MySpace question: What would you do?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Nov 27, 2008.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I went in to get a pen from my twelve year old daughter's room and her MySpace was booted on her computer. I won't lie. I looked on It really does not seem like my daughter is doing anything wrong. Sometimes I do check her MySpace and cell just to be sure and everything seems pretty twelve-year-old normal, but one thing bothered me a lot. In the heading of her MySpace she said (and she is talking about the boy she likes--he lives 45 min. away and I think she's seen him all of three times and always in a group)--I digress: The heading said "He doesn't know how much I love him. I'm not his d***k. He can't play with me." (gulp) I am positive that my daughter has never done anything with a boy. Without explaining how I know, just take my word for it. However, I feel like this kind of language is inappropriate to head her MySpace. What would you do? I want to tell her to change it, but I don't want to act like psycho mom either. It disturbs me that she knows enough to even SAY something like that. She is very well-developed, very pretty, looks older and boys notice her.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I must be way behind the times or just not thinking clearly today. I can't figure out what the word is LOL! That might make a difference. Kind of like when I was a teen- "scre*ed up" meant "high", but my mom thought it meant something sexual.

    Anyway- it might just be the legal problems that ensued from difficult child's use, but I would be concerned about the myspace page to begin with. Around here, they are doing the investigations where they have investigators pretending to be kids to find predators online. This has lead to them making BIG issue of young teens online and using myspace before the age that it says you should be having a myspace page.

    True, I wouldn't have minded so much if my difficult child had been more trust-worthy, until I saw that the rest of the authorities around here were flipping out over it.

    But to get back to your situation, it sounds like maybe a heart-to-heart talk is in order. I think you stay pretty up-to-date on what is going on with your kids, so that's my suggestion- a "girls' lunch out" or something like that might be a good idea.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PS- I guess you are aware that the teens and tweens are always going to be at least one little step ahead of us in what they know- they just hear too much at school and by nature want to push the limits some. My son let me know the other day that he understood the importance of making sure a "woman is pleased" as well as him, when that time comes. Well, I'm glad he feels that way, however, I KNOW that he hasn't done anything like that yet too (just like you said about your daughter). My difficult child doesn't even have a girlfriend so exactly WHY does he need to know that at this age? And, I can't help but wonder why and how kids are talking about things like this at this age.
  4. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Our kids do not learn how to be people the way that a tree learns how to be a tree.
    It is important that we monitor and limit our children in things that can hurt them.

    The oprah on internet porn and predators was enough to cnvince me to find out more aboout what my child is doing on the internet.

    Across the board keeping the computer out of a kids bedroom and under scrutiny.
    Hey. Where are you otherwise giving prostitutes access to just say hi to your kid?
    It is not about her...what she thinks she knows and wether or not you trust her it is because we do know that these preditors are actively getting into our childrens lives because we let them.
    otherwise why do you think using the language of a street prostitute is now so common? Is it because you think of yourself as one nasty $%^%$?
    I hope you are just not upset and kind about it with her. It is not her fault and her interest in boyys is sweet.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    RF- I realize that you are pretty new here (on this board) so I will point out that MWM is a VERY attentive and protective MOM to all her kids. Th computer controversy is a hard one to battle with our kids in many of our homes. Kids get snatched off the streets, too, but we all have to decide how much to keep our kids locked in the house to make sure it doesn't happen to them. MWM is capable of making those competent decisions for her kids, I'm sure.
  6. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Welcome to my world. I have a 12 yr old who lives in milieu with other kids who use horrendous language to shock each other and adults. There is no correlation, in my opinion, between her using that language and acting on it. They all do it, even the meekest, most demure looking girls on the honor roll. Part of the blame is on the music video culture and the coarsening of the mass entertainment out there.

    However, I think a heart to heart is in order. I think if she left her screen on, in your house, and you're paying the bill, you have the right to know what she's up to. He"", for her own safety, you must. Just a few years ago a 13 yr old girl was murdered during rough sex by a married 26 yr old man whom she met online - she asked her aunt to drop her off at the mall at 7 p.m. like every Friday night and pick her up at 9 p.m., as usual, only she didn't show at 9 p.m. or ever, because she was 40 miles away dead in an embankment. This was a girl who made good grades at a Catholic school but had a secret persona online. She met up with the guy and he killed her.

    Sorry to tell you that story, but you must know what is going on with her and her friends. My daughter desperately wants a computer in her room but it isn't going to happen at age 12. The only computer is in my room and I'm the administrator and can get into her account. I routinely check her Facebook to see what is being written. and they still stay two steps ahead.

    So talk to her, as calmly and non-judgementally as possible. She probably is like most middle school girls and desperately wants to be accepted. But she ought to know that other parents may not want their kids to hang out with her if she uses that kind of language and runs with a fast crowd. My youngest has learned that lesson the hard way, as have I, and we spend a lot more time together at home or doing stuff so she is not only being influenced by friends.

    Try to keep the communication open so that she can go to you with anything, you will be happy you did.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, and thanks. For those who didn't get the d word, let's just say it's a nickname for Richard :)
    My daughter's profile is set to private. All her friends are people I know (other than the Green Bay Packers and a few rock stars who aren't going to be contacting her anytime soon).
    Keep the suggestions coming. I really want to know the best way to approach this. My daughter is never with boys alone. She has seen this one kid three times: a his basketball game (they hung in the hallways with a bunch of other kids before the game and hub was there because the school is so far away), at her birthday party (needless to say hub and I were both there) and at the YMCA last night. We live in a small town and one of my best friends works at the Y and she was there last night. The kids played basketball. Nobody touched. She had another "boyfriend" before this one. He was a year younger and half her size, went to a nother school, and the only time she saw him was at our indoor skating rink. Every time I'd walk in before picking her up, the girls would be sitting together on one side of a picnic bench and the boys on the other. On her cell phone, one of her friends asked her "Did C. ever kiss you?" She answered "No. He's afraid, I guess." Young love. This year she is taller and better developed than the other girls in seventh grade though. People think she's 15 or 16 and she' quite a pretty girl. I don't want boys to get the wrong idea about her. She's a good kid.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Heart-to-heart or some kind of conversation about appropriateness of language- maybe a few- maybe you can find a movie that helps get the point across. That's my suggestion- I wouldn't worry about it too much, now that I know what the word is. LOL! That doesn't even sound quite right in slang use for a girl to refer to herself that way.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I would simply say it's not appropriate and that it has to be changed to something more appropriate. Then, I would use it as an opportunity to have 'the talk' and make sure to really cover the part on not doing things just to get a boy to like you and anytime you say no, it means no, etc.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I think I'll do the latter. If she squirms and rolls her eyes when I start talking about sex I'll say, "You started it, dear. Now you have to listen or that computer is mine." That usually works :)
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am with Heather. Let her know that her MySpace is monitored by you, and that the language should be such that she wouldn't be upset if her Grandma or Grandpa saw it (or whatever older person she cares for). I found that to be pretty effective with Wiz at that age.

    It is also a good excuse to bring up sex and chat about that - and if she objects, well, she brought it up, LOL!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    I would have to have a talk with her about where "playing" leads and that she's too young but should feel comfortable talking with you about it. I would tell myself that since she's not his d**k and he can't play with her, then maybe that's a good thing? Because he's got his hands full already?

  13. compassion

    compassion Member

    From my experience with difficult child 15 , the MY Space at age 12 or younger is
    often Fantasty. The concern I have and do today is the oversexuization-esteem is connected to sex-it is an obsession. I have taked so much-monitored etc. -the issue I am curreny having is poting sexua pics of hersef and she there are pics of her doing inappropriate stuff against the aw-driving at 15, drinking, smokimg, partying. I now monitor her account daiy as she is taking and ast summer started meeting up with oder boys. I am monitoring ce phone and My space. I deete profies with gorifying drugs, acoho and antisocia behavior. I try so hard to channe into heathy activities:voeyba singing, youtrh groups, kids that do not party and crrety AA or therapy daiy. Compassion
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm with Witz - she said he CAN'T play with her like he would play with his ... er... appendage. So she's not doing anything inappropriate. Just saying it!

    I would talk to her about appropriate language on what is basically a public space (just because it's flagged private doesn't keep it that way permanently).

    She is at the age where she is getting more input from peers than from home. You've already done the bulk of your job as parent. Now you're still sort of steering, but she is heading down the hill in a billycart with no brakes... you did the work to push her to the top of the hill and talked to her about steering and control along the way. There's not much more you can do now except hang on for the rather bumpy ride to follow and hope that your careful teaching to date will help her get to the bottom of the slope safely.

  15. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'd want her to know how using such language reflects on her, she'll counter that everyone talks like that (of course). But that's when you launch in with her not being common and she's better than that. Talk to her about how her friends probably don't want to use such language either but are afraid of not fitting in. She can be a good friend by setting a good example, as well as keep your trust in her.

    Good luck. I'm personally dreading the tween and teen years.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I told her and we had a little talk. Or rather I talked and made her listen. The entire conversation she was beet red and had her hands over ears, but when I asked her what I'd said she recited it back to me (blushing even more) and finally said, "I can hear you even covering my ears." She changed her MySpace message.(Phew, glad that's over!)
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    One more thing to do/say now - "Honey, I'm happy for you that you've discovered that boys can be more than just beings that open the door for you (maybe). You still have a long way to go before you settle on THE one, but it will be an exciting time, sometimes a scary time (for me as well as you), a time when you will need to really think and to rely on everything we've taught you as well as all you still have left to learn. Never forget - I am here, I was there once in my day, please talk to me too. I'll try to remember what it felt like for me and try to forget (mostly) that I'm also your mother. I'll just remember the Mom bit when I need to."

    See how that goes. Because now is the time you need to keep the communication doors open.


  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Marg, you are great. That is WONDERFUL! I'll tell her, but she needs a few days of peace. Honestly, I never saw her turn so
  19. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Well, both my children have Arto - the Danish myspace. What I do is installing RealVNC on their computers now where the school work has demanded that they have a laptop on their own - both. Some high school are demanding that all students have one, so they have to be update in a modern world and we parents can go to the nearest "IT living room" run by the county and be educated. It cost a little for us parents but is free for retired people. My mother-in-law did start with internet aged 70 and she is "friend" on Arto with my daughter. It is never too late.

    We just have to acknowledge that we are living in another time and be on Myspace etc. as our offsprings are.

    RealVNC allows me to access their laptop in a watch mode without the children noticing me. They know that I have installed the software and they also know that I don't mind dating if I am told with who.

    One case did change the whole appoach towards Myspace alike places. When they appeared years back a public employed specialist went on National television warning parents about these community networks. He is in jail right now for abusing girls he found - on these networks. The parents became wake very fast and now the community networks are filled with parents. So my children know that they cannot trust people from the so-called security business - employed by the government or not. They can only trust us - their parents, so we have no secret.

    They have been taught about sex aged 10 as part of the mandatory education provided in our schools. Sex education is a part of the national curriculum here in Denmark. Since the introduction some 20 years ago the average sexual debute age for girls has been unchanged - it is a little over 17 years of age for girls and a year younger for boys.

    Some parents which have sexual active girls aged about 12 to 14 are adviced by the state to take their daughters to the doctor and get a P-stick shot into their arms. It prevents pregnancy for 3 years and cost about 200 dollars. When my daughter was forced into a drunken environment by our family coach she got one regardless of the fact that she is not sexual active. The only sideeffect seems to be a problem with acne.

    So don't be afraid with myspace. Dialogue is the answer and get her to tell you how to create an account and upload photos etc. If you play interested she will open up. Children like to be heard.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sexually active girls at I know my daughter isn't sexually active. I can't be sure, but I don't think she will get involved in early sex. We've talked about it a lot. Although it does happen, I don't think it's THAT common in the US for, at least, middle class girls to have sex at 12 and 13. I sure hope not!!! Even my older daughter, who became involved with drugs, did not get involved in sex until she was seventeen! And since she told me she experimented with cocaine and heroine and has been very honest about her life, I can't imagine she would lie to me about when she first had sex!
    12 and 13. Oy. I am keeping the lines of communications wide open with my daughter. Even my boys did not have early sex. One was in his 20's. The other was 19. And my autistic son...he hasn't even kissed a girl yet (except on the cheek).