Need advice about my 20 year having a baby

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Garnetta G, Apr 22, 2019.

  1. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    My daughter off to college got pregnant we have supported her are completely bought or car bought everything the baby needs the baby daddy is in jail hes a piece of krapp the every time the baby has a doctors appointment I have drove over in its 2 and a 1/2 hours away today she wanted me to come over for his circumcision I can't make it today because my live in your own has a very important appointment in so she wouldn't stood there with it in my face that I'm not reliable after me keeping the baby or we can I was there in the birthing Room and like I said all the materialistic things about which I could care less about but that was the reason we bought our car was built to take care of the baby without me having to make a trip for 2 hours there and 2 hours back I don't know what to say to she's man because I won't come and she don't understand that her little sister has important appointments as well
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You have your hands full. Of course, you want to do what you can for grandchild, but you need to decide on boundaries. Things can get out of hand quickly. I imagine once the baby daddy gets out of jail, things could get worse. Possibly jail time and a new baby will give him some motives to start adulting. But maybe not.

    I can see thru my crystal ball of past experiences... That some women will do all they can to support the guy, but will neglect themselves or their child. He might want $ for cigs, beer, weed, etc. he will use the car when he wants to. Then you end up helping him on top f your daughter and grandson.

    At the beginning of this forum is an excellent article on detachment. I would read it over and over. If you are married, discuss boundaries you want to set up. Tell your daughter, politely, what you want to be able to continue to help with, and also what you will be unable to do.

    Also, is the car in your name? You might check the legalities of what liabilities you might be responsible for.

    Good luck... Adding a grandchild to this mix just makes everything harder. Ksm
     
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, G

    You grandson is very cute! However, you should probably remove his picture and change your username (if that is your real name). We try to stay anonymous here, for the sake of our loved ones, especially the minor kids.

    Ask a moderator to change your username.

    I will be back soon, I have a few things I need to do first.

    Apple
     
  4. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    thank you I changed it I'm new
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    What you need to do, G, is not say anything back to your daughter and go about your business.

    As long as you attempt to defend and justify your actions, the more she will argue, belittle, and throw things in your face. I have a feeling that this pattern has been going on for a long time now. This is how she gets her way.

    You don’t need your adult daughter’s permission or approval. You don’t need other people to validate your decisions.

    I think you need to go to counseling and learn to trust yourself and set boundaries. This is very important.

    Your first obligation is to your eleven year old daughter. Everything else needs to take a backseat.

    Apple
     
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  6. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    Thank you for reading my article or should I say my VENT/RANT yes when the dad gets out I pray it gets better but I'm worried. My hubby n I have honestly done everything I can do for her to show her I'm here & I LOVE HERE N BABY & she won't need for anything for her n baby she words a full time job when she's not o leave and pays her own bills at her apartment so we got her a car so she can just cover the insurance told her we would pay for the bottles formula and I diapers or anything else baby needs for year and then she wants to act like a complete brat. it hurts I mean she has an 11 year old sister that is really crazy about the baby he just so tiny I know she hormonal still but words hurts
    Yes the car is in a my name and will stay in my name because I don't trust they guy cause if he gets caught driving with drugs I'll just say it stolen because I've Not/ nor never will give him permission to drive it..
     
  7. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    :youreright:
    Yes you're CORRECT she deffent knows how to get her way. Especially with a guilt trip
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Have you noticed that the more you do for her, the more entitled she becomes? The more you tell her that you will make sure she will never want for anything, the more demanding she gets?

    Stop this pattern.
     
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  9. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    :staystrong:
    I know my hubby tells me the same I have to stick to my word. Yes the more she gets the more she wants... its hurting my 11 yr she asked mommy when is going to be just us again?? that hurt
     
  10. Garnetta G

    Garnetta G New Member

    Thank you, I really tried that exact covo n well it didn't go over well. Hard words were it's so hard being single mom and I said that's exactly why didn't want you to get pregnant this young bet I can do everything I can help you better take over your child and we have done everything bit she just gets so rude and hateful when I'm just trying to explain her I have a live a husband and 11 year old and her to take care of as well❤
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    She made an adult decision to have a baby and many 20 year olds work, are responsible, and are GRATEFUL to loving mothers who help them when they can. Your 11 year old still needs a very active Mom who puts her first. 20 should know this. If not, she needs to learn.

    I would stop buying 20 stuff. Just for the baby, if you have the means and want to. 20 is spoiled, nasty to you and entitled with no reason to be entitled. I would not respond to her mouth. She will just keep arguing. Suggest she get welfare, Medicaid, a food card, WIC and apply for housing. Most single mothers have no choice. You didn't sign up to support a third child.

    A curcumcision is not an emergency. She can wait and do it another day.

    Best wishes and be kind to yourself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    You will never win your daughter’s approval or respect by giving in to her or giving her everything she wants. No amount of “help” will make her act nice or appreciative. And no amount of reasoning with her will make her be grateful.

    This is actually hurting her by keeping her from growing up, and by creating in her a sense of entitlement.
     
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I would research what help is available for your daughter and grandson. If you are in the US, she should apply for the WIC program. She might also apply for other benefits. If you guaranty her you will provide for the baby, she will not have an incentive to take that over in the future.

    I am glad that she is working and paying bills, that is wonderful news. I just am afraid that issues will grow if boundaries aren't set, and you and daughter grow into adult relationships instead of parent child relationship of the past.

    Ksm