Need help resolving my last (most recent) major error ... of many.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Apr 14, 2015.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The disaster that prompted me to reach out to you wise mothers, resulted after I volunteered to enroll as a student in several online community college courses, to support my son to do so. WRONG. I did he work. He laid around my house up all night doing nothing for 3 days. I ended up hysterical. OK. My problem now is that he is still enrolled in several courses, and if he does not drop...they turn into F's. I have repeatedly asked (read begged) him to drop the courses. He said I could do it as he has no computer....he has my Tablet and is staying one block from the library (free computer). I feel as I if I got him into this mess, I set him up, by my enabling behaviors. After all, to whom is college important? Who is the one to whom being productive, focused and forward moving matters? Can I do this one last thing? Drop his classes for him (OK, for me)? I do not want to feel as if my bad behavior dug him in further? PS (I may not have the strength yet to do the right thing, but I need to hear the right thing.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know the details about how he signed up - did (a) you sign him up, after bugging him to take some classes and him saying, "yeah ok fine mom?" Or did (b) he bug YOU about wanting to take classes, and you helped him out by doing the legwork?

    If it's (a), and this was more your idea than his, I might be more inclined to do the work to drop the classes, just for your peace of mind. If it's (b) however, and this was all his idea, I'd say do NOTHING. They're his F's, not yours. Logical consequences.
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Copa, it's clear that you are learning a lot right now. Don't forget these vital lessons.

    I can't remember how old your son is. Personally, I think it is okay either way but if you want to go online and drop the classes, go ahead and do it. One day he will thank you.

    Take this experience to heart, Copa. We can't push/pull/drag other people into adulthood. They must walk the ugly, rocky, hard path themselves. Some paths are much uglier than others, as we all know on this board.

    Hang in there. We understand.

    P.S. Can you complete a signature (directions on a thread at the top of the PE forum)? That way, we can refer to it for more perspective when we reply. Thank you!
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There isn't really any lesson I can see that he will learn from this if you do NOT drop them... and some major peace of mind for you, if you do... I'd be inclined to:
    1) drop the courses for him, and
    2) not ever again to the leg-work for courses for him... it's now on his plate.
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  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    The first time Difficult Child daughter got arrested we got her a lawyer. Boy, I wish I had that money back. The really insane thing is- we were the ones who had her arrested!

    Not the same situation, but we've all been enablers.

    Boy, I wish I had that money back!

    I would probably drop the courses, but learn the lesson. If we're working harder and caring more about their situation than they are - first of all, it's a waste of time (and money). And it's actually not helping them, it's hurting them because it's preventing them from learning how to deal with their own challenges. And it's not like they appreciate us for doing it. They resent us for doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's a new day and you are much wiser than you were yesterday. You did what you thought was something that would help him and it would have IF he would have applied himself. It was a generous thing you did but now you know he's not going to finish.
    If it were me, I would drop the classes.

    Many years ago my son enrolled in college. I encouraged him to not take so many course hours but he would not listen. He got burned out within 2 months, of course now he owed for the money he had borrowed for student loans. I being the naïve mom I was at the time told him I would pay his student loan debt because I didn't want him to start his life out with bad credit. Well I'm the one who got "schooled" to the tune of $5000.00. I was worried about his credit, oh how naïve I was!! He has done more things to screw up his credit all by himself. If I would have known what I know now, I never would have paid that student loan.
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Brilliant, Crazy in Va. It was my bad, I bugged him to sign up. He went along for the ride. But, good news. He came by of his own accord to drop the classes. Thank you very much.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Tanya, DoneDad, Childofmine and InsaneCndn. Everybody is thinking of like mind. I am so grateful to you all.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2015
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I want again to thank everybody who helped me resolve this mini crisis involving dropping the college courses when it was ME that created the problem by pushing my son to enroll. First, he came forth yesterday to drop the courses himself. Second, today he came by and we had a short talk. In a mature, reasonable and moderately respectful tone of voice (OK, still foggy and groggy from all the marijuana from last night) he said he would be handling his personal business in the manner and at the time he thinks suitable.

    Where he is staying is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and possibly risky. He mentioned he might have to leave there in a few days. "How can you," said I, "do you have the money?" (How helpful is that, I say, cringing).

    He responded, "If I have to leave, I'll handle it It's nothing I haven't handled before."

    3 days here on the board, and I feel changes. How can that be? Thank you all.

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    Last edited: Apr 22, 2015
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    How? You aren't alone. You see that there are other people out there with similar problems. That alone is a terrific thing and gives people strength. :)

    Now, read what you wrote.
    "he said he would be handling his personal business"
    "I'll handle it"
    Your son is telling you to butt out. He's telling you to let him run his own life. It's hard. It's SO hard, when you see them messing up. But it is HIS life. And letting him handle things is what you need to let him do. At some point your mom let you handle your life, right? That's what grown-ups do after all.
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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Remember when I posted the Halleluiah piece. This is like that. Risk and sorrow and pain and triumph and hope.

    Oh, good, good, good for you, boy or young man.

    Good job, Mom.

  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    That's great. He is taking some initiative and that is a positive thing.

    He is saying that he can handle it and you have to let him.

    The tricky part is when our Difficult Child handle things in a way that we would not, we have to fight the urge to go into "rescue" mode and tell them "this is what you need to do"

    You are doing great!!!