Need input

[slsh]

So, haven't seen thank you since... I don't remember, sometime before Memorial Day. I've been up and down about it and what he's (not) doing with his life but I think I've made a kind of peace with the way things are for right now and they way I think they're going to go once he hits 18. Very detached, not getting worked up, not asking questions, etc.

So he called me today, telling me that X's b-day is this month and he wants to go to a town a couple or three hours away to see her. Now, X is a girl he met in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #3 and fell "in love" with. If I remember correctly, she will be turning 17. She returned home shortly after thank you left Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #3. Definitely she's a difficult child. I believe they've made contact through myspace.

He needs my "permission" to go. To be honest, I wish he didn't. It's pretty much a no-win in my book.

So many concerns. First off, he says mom knows and is okay with it. My unasked question was, is she out of her everlovin' mind???? But then I thought maybe she doesn't know, so I told thank you I would want to talk to mom first. Of course, how would I know I was actually talking to mom? It could be anyone, you know? And then... what would I say if I really thought it was mom? "Our kids met in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), so obviously thank you's got issues, and based on what he's told me about X, she's a walk in the park in comparison. He has a long history of obessing about girls who are acquaintances as well as inappropriate sexualized behavior, to say nothing of his baseline thought processes which are at best described as bizarre. And by the way, what on *earth* are you thinking? Are you looking that forward to grandparenthood and/or having your daughter stalked by my son??????"

I could always say "no" but... to what end? I'll just once again confirm my place as b**** of the world (no, I couldn't care less) and be "ruining his life" (whatever). And honestly? If I say no, I give it at least a 50/50 chance he'll go anyway because he knows it all.

No point in making this a reward - because he won't do whatever it is we're "rewarding" and will still expect to go. We're not going to start promoting change with rewards at this late date - they've never worked anyway.

On one hand, I wish he were already 18 so this wouldn't be my problem but on the other hand I feel an obligation to warn this mother about what a kettle of worms my son is and that she really should not be promoting a relationship between her daughter and him. I really do feel strongly about that.

My gut says to say no (reason being that I don't think it's in anyone's best interest right now, period) and tell him he'll be 18 in 9 months and can do as he pleases then. There will be heck to pay (which is not a problem) and, like I said, a pretty decent chance he'll go anyway (which *is* a problem because he doesn't have a whole lot of common sense and I can just see him getting stuck in Middle-of-Nowhere, IL, calling me to "fix it" - to say nothing of the fact that in spite of detachment I still turn into a knot of nerves when he's AWOL).

I could always tell thank you that maybe *she* should visit him?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Insights?

Thanks!

 

[DammitJanet]

My input? I think you are between a rock and a hard place. Nothing you do is going to make a darn bit of difference in the long run anyway. Face it. He is gonna go. I doubt alerting this mom to your sons inner charms will carry much weight either.

I vote for just a resigned ...sure...have fun.

I cannot tell you how many times I wondered why on earth seemingly sane intelligent people either dated or had their daughters date Cory!

 

[KTMom91]

I agree, you are stuck. If it was me? I wouldn't give permission. If I'm legally responsible, I want to be able to tell the nice officer that this behavior was not approved by Mom.

 

[klmno]

I can't say I've been there done that with this one- but I like your own ideas- no, he cannot go right now. If he goes after he turns 18, so be it. She can come up here if she wants and her Mom allows it. If he goes anyway, I think it would be agood idea to have a talk with her Mom. It sounds to me like you are resolving this pretty well on your own!!

 

[meowbunny]

Three to four hours away? How long is he planning to visit and how is he getting there/back? I would guess the mom has to have some sort of idea about thank you since they were in the same Residential Treatment Center (RTC) -- it usually is a pretty big red flag.

As you said, you can't stop him from going, so you may as well say yes so long as he isn't staying overnight.

I hate those rock/hard space decisions.

 

[everywoman]

Sue, I don't know what I would do. I have spoken to mothers about difficult child before, and it usually made no difference. He was not the same person in front of other parents. They saw him as nice and polite. Last year one of my freshmen girls started hanging out with a local difficult child. He was 18 and waiting trial for robbery and beating an elderly man. I told her that I would call her parents (I taught both of them) if I saw her with him again. Someone told him, he told his mother, she called the school, and I got called to the Principal's office. He lectured me about getting involved and "telling the young man's business." He said, "How would you feel if someone did that to your son?" I told him frankly that I would tell them myself. He knows that I would, too. So, I would probably call the mother. Just so my conscience would be clear.

 

[KateM]

Sue, it is a hard call, but if it were me, I would not give my permission, especially since you think the girl's mom is "out of her ever lovin' mind " to say yes!Also, your gut tells you to say No. I would go with that feeling.

 

[slsh]

Thanks guys. I chewed on this while I continued on with painting this afternoon - boy, you can really think while you're mindlessly brushing away, LOL. What finally dawned on me is that if he were living at home, the answer would be no. Same rules must apply, regardless of where he lives, while he's still a minor.

So, the answer is no. I feel better and at peace with that. He can do with it what he will, and I will be at peace with that too, including if he goes AWOL.

When you see the fireworks over Chicago, that'll be thank you going ballistic because I'm unfair, I don't trust him, I'm ruining his life, he's not at home because of *me* so *my* rules shouldn't apply, yada yada yada. Deep breath and rhino skin at the ready. Probably wouldn't be an opportune time for me to bring up the job interview he skipped because he knew he was going to flunk the drug screen... or maybe so???? I can probably bring up diversionary topics as least as well as he can now.... I learned from the master, LOL.

by the way, I just assumed it's an overnighter because it's probably at least 3 or 4 hours one way by public transportation - you can be sure I wouldn't be driving him!

 

[Wiped Out]

Is that what those fireworks were?

Fwiw, I think you made the right decision!

 

[gcvmom]

I also think you made the right decision. You are still legally responsible for him, and even if he were 18, I think I'd even call the girl's family to let them know what he's all about.

 

[witzend]

I'm totally on the fence on this. He doesn't need you until he wants something. M did this when he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and TLC. One time he called to ask for permission that I could have given, but wouldn't talk to me, and his dad wasn't home yet. After two tries being vague with me, he actually got a staff member to call and ask if I would ask his dad to call him because there was something really important that M needed an answer to right now. I told her "when pigs fly!" It was a non-family visitor, the principal from his school. It would have been too late by the time his dad got home. But they all acted like I was a monster for not acquiescing, and it didn't serve me well. And, I would have let him see his principal, but in hindsight M probably would have told him I had abused him, so it worked out well I guess.

I don't know that there is any right answer. If you say yes and he does something dorky, you're the dimwit who let him go. If you say no, he's got another gripe as to how unreasonable you are. Mostly, though, I would resent that he thinks he can just ignore you for months and then think he can say "jump" and you must say "how high?"

Maybe you can talk to the staff, if there is someone you are comfortable with, and explain your dilemma. If I did this for him, I would consider it a great big future bargaining chip, and I'd be sure that everyone knew it.

 

[Sara PA]

I think the decision you made based on the reason you made it is logical and sensible.

 

[JJJ]

I think you made the right decision. I'm glad you painted it out

 

[OpenWindow]

Yep, I agree with your decision too.