Need practical advice here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Jul 18, 2012.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Diva's been on Lexapro for about 2 months, with noticeable improvement. The psychiatrist I found also does therapy, and she refuses to talk to him. He's not going to fill scripts without the therapy, which is something I *absolutely* agree with. I'm not willing to have her on medications unless she starts working on her baggage, which would fill a cargo plane.

    Her "problem" with therapy is that she "doesn't trust anyone" - because of thank you and me. Umm... yea, okay, whatever. I can't even begin to unravel her convoluted thinking because.... well, it rivals thank you in the bad old days.

    Even getting her to admit to psychiatrist that the Lexapro has helped, and knowing that no more scripts would be given without the talk therapy, wasn't enough to get her to stick with it.

    been there done that with- thank you. Can lead a kid to therapy but can't invest them.

    I kinda got the sense yesterday that her adamant insistence to psychiatrist that she can't "trust" me and that's why she can't/won't do talk therapy was ... I don't know, just another dig at me? I'm the reason she's such a mess and I'm the reason she can't/won't get help. I don't know - could just be maternal paranoia, but sheesh.... took all my strength not to just tell her to grow up and start dealing with- her own stuff rather than keep on blaming me, but ... whatever.

    Strategies for getting her to participate? She really truly is a mess, and there's really no reason for her to continue on this way (reason meaning help is available, not that there's no reason for her to be a mess). Carrot/stick approach won't cut it - like thank you, I suspect she has a very high tolerance for misery and would happily cut off her nose to spite me. I'm not sure why I even factor into this at this point but it is what it is. I probably should have barred her from talk therapy - she'd be begging to go.

    So I've got a severely depressed kid who refuses any therapy whatsoever and is unwilling to work on getting past her so-called reason, and is utterly and absolutely in misery. This is talk therapist #2 down. She refuses to consider trying again. Who's got the magic phrase that will get her to at least think about helping herself????
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sue, you have my sympathies and positive vibes. Unfortunately, I never figured out the magic phrase, for a I do not think one exists. I struggled with getting difficult child to see a therapist, talk, share, vent, etc. Once she was around 15/16, she would just sit there. After the sexual assault, we were tougher on getting her to open up, but she too had trust issues. Only recently has she sought out counseling on her own, with the therapist of her choosing, does she go and share. And I mean, she really let's it all out! During those in between years when she refused, it was really difficult, she was difficult, always blaming someone else, usually my H, for how horribly messed up her life was.

    Maybe someone else will be of more help. You could just make her go and sit there and let the psychiatrist work some tricks of his own to make her talk. We did that once or twice and it worked for a little bit, though difficult child was not very forthcoming. Sorry I couldn't be more optimistic! Hugs.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    " If you won't accept help here, at home, would an out of home placement help?" I know its a back door threat but I figured it will give a starting point for your thread.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When easy child/difficult child was younger she was the same way. She didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't think she was depressed, etc... I finally was able to get her to take an on line depression screener and then she decided she would try therapy (although the first time she wasn't going to get out of the car but did).
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Kids have a hard time revealing what they don't like about home life and parent's rules. A few times difficult child would try to threaten me with, "then I am going to tell therapist about this" thinking it would hurt me. I just said, "Go ahead, tell all.". There are some things that he believes will get me in trouble if therapist knew.

    If she would just start out complaining about what she thinks is wrong and then how she wished it would be maybe the following step would be her to learn through the therapy that she has the power to make her life easier. Change is scary even for the better because what if it doesn't work? Easier to hang onto unhappiness then to chance making life worse for yourself or your mom.

    Encourage her to let the next therapist know how she wished her life would be.

    Also, is there a way she can choose a therapist? Our facility has pictures of the tdocs and psychiatrist's in the office and on-line. You know how sometimes we feel a connection by just seeing what a person looks like. She needs someone who will just listen to her for awhile without her feeling she is being judged. I know therapists thrive to do so but sometimes they also think a hard approach is needed. I think your easy child needs a soft approach. Maybe a female therapist who specializes in girl talk? Who can get her to open up and dramatize like most girls do?
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Maybe she'd do better in group therapy? I know with Eeyore he did 5 days of PHP which is almost all group therapy and it really helped him to start addressing the depression.
  7. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    When I was a 14 y/o difficult child my parents decided to put me into talk therapy and I adamantly refused. However, since I was a minor living in their house they just made me go. I refused to talk to the guy. After a few sessions i did tell him some stuff but he and I never clicked (a different therapist and I probably would have opened up a lot more eventually). I am thinking maybe just getting her there is half the battle. I'm not sure how old she is but if she is a minor she really has no choice but to go if you say so.

    JJJ's suggestion of group therapy is good too. I did better in that.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Gosh, my only magic phrase was, "You don't go, I take away your games."
    "I don't care."
    "Your phone is next."
    Guess who was sitting in the car?
    Our docs have let us get away with-1 or 2 missed sessions, where the adults went instead (it's actually a good time to catch up and fill in the doctor on stuff you don't want the kid to hear) but understandably, the dr needs to see the person face-to-face to make sure they're not drooling or whatever.
    I wish I had more to offer you.
  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    My 2 cents here is to move the focus from the me as an object , to me as a process. That means focusing on enjoying ' doing' things , good experiences . The self determination theory of intrinsic motivation talks about the 3 basic needs of people - autonomy - to be self directed , competence and relatedness = belonging and good relationships . So the message I would give her is to find the things that give her satisfaction, pleasure and self fulfillment , maybe you could invite her to join you - have fun , no therapy talk

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    autonomy - to be self directed , competence and relatedness = belonging and good relationships

    These are very true.
    I still don't think that asking her to join in for a fun session won't work but anything is worth a try.
  11. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My advice - let her stay on the Lexapro without the talk therapy for a while longer. You say there's a noticeable improvement. Maybe in time she will improve to the point where she IS willing to engage in talk therapy. In the meantime, the medicine is helping so why take it away? Let it do its work alone. The alternative is a return to the unhappy child she was before Lexapro.

    Some people are not talk therapy people. One reason I've had such a hard time trying to push difficult child in talk therapy is that I myself am a hater of it. When we did marriage counseling, I left each session feeling twice as bad as when I went in. When my doctor gave me Lexapro (ironically), I felt so much better that I was able to quit therapy. I'm not advocating that Diva never try to deal with her issues in talk therapy, just that you put less pressure on her about it. Threatening to take away a medication that is helping her may not be the best way to help her at this point.

    Just my 2 cents - feel free to disregard.

    Good luck.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sue, I am out of the loop and didn't realize Diva was struggling. I think setting the atmosphere differently may help. The tug of war of me vs. you makes it really difficult for a young teen to see the goal. If she feels badly, asking her for suggestions on how to work through the obstacle to the goal of feeling better may allow her some control. Once, long ago, I was of the mentality of "my way or the highway" but after living through and watching their pain and feeling my pain, I changed that to "what does my child need? How can I help them find their way?" I am still pretty firm but it's usually about a plan that we had a conversation about and he agreed to beforehand. I just hold him accountable to his own plan. (sometimes to his dismay)
    If she is unhappy, then trying suggestions she makes may make her more willing to try your suggestions. I know Depression takes on a life of it's own and can defeat the best of intentions. I hope the Lexapro continues to help her and she can start to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
    I'm sure she knows you are on her side and want to help her but she may need to hear it. Although she may suffer with the same issues of thank you, she is not the same person and has not had the same experiences both positive or negative so you can't approach her in the same way. Her crooked thinking is probably genetically similar to his but hopefully on a different scale. Hugs. You do have your hands full.