Need to talk.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by RainyGranny, Jul 10, 2012.

  1. RainyGranny

    RainyGranny New Member

    First post. I have a 25 year old daughter, married, with- a daughter. She is an only child, which she blames for all of her problems. In hs she always picked the worst friends. They stole from her and eventually got her kicked out of hs. I was so proud of her in Band & Color Guard. She never made good grades but that was her choice. She's very bright. She graduated from an alternative hs and finished her sr year in 2 months. By the time graduation came around she had her Real Estate license. I couldn't have been more proud. But she started back with the old group of friends. Got fired and refused to try again in Real Estate. She got her Medical Assistant license while she was pregnant. Got a job, fired after a month and never tried to find another job. They moved from Texas to S Dakota. Broke my heart to see her and my grandbaby go. But they lasted 6 mos and came back with their tails between their legs. They both got jobs. She got a job at Walmart and fired after 2 months because of her attitude with a customer. Her husband is making decent money now.
    My daughter is the most lazy person I know. She has no self-esteem. She has a filthy house and doesn't take care of herself either. You can't criticize her about anything without crying and claiming no one cares, no one loves her. She blames everyone but herself for her problems. She lies and now stealing from me. I have been saving extra $ and put away in my closet. I was going to surprise my husband and hand him $ to pay off his motorcycle when I had enough. Was almost there. I had $ in my wallet that I stash for my bills and when I want to just buy something. In one day, I realized my wallet was empty. Then I went to my closet and the envelope was empty. I confronted her and she admitted to taking it. My husband wanted me to press charges but I couldn't because of my granddaughter. She has no insurance so I paid for her to talk to the Dr yesterday. He put her on anti-depressants. I don't know what she told him, but I'm sure she blamed everyone around her.
    Because of her bad choice of friends in hs, she really doesn't have any good friends now. She doesn't have insurance and I can't afford to get her in counseling. She doesn't do any hard drugs but her and her husband do smoke the incense that you can buy at head shops.
    I have lost all respect and trust in her. We are changing our locks and she will not be allowed at our house any more if we are not home. I know she's a good person, I just don't know what happened to her. She needs counseling and I don't know where to turn. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
  2. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Welcome to this board. I'm so sorry for your pain, but I am glad that you found us.

    I am so glad that you are changing your locks and not allowing her in your home when no one is there. You can NOT trust your daughter at all right now, and you must protect your home and your property. My h and I had to change our locks because our son was stealing from us, and we also had to make sure there was no other way that he could sneak into our house. We had to make sure that our patio door was locked at all times, because our son tried to squeeze through a small opening in our patio door before we locked it. Just make sure that there is no other way that your daughter can get into your home and steal from you.

    I'm sure that others will be along with advice about your daughter. I am sending you good wishes for peace as your deal with this difficult situation.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Welcome granny! I think you have done all the right things...helped her see the dr and get the medications that MAY help her, changed your locks, and state a solid boundary about her not being permitted in your home when you/H are not home. Good for you!

    All you can do at this point is wait and see. Hopefully, with medications she will begin to feel better and take an interest in her future. There are places she can go for counseling that allow patients to pay on a sliding scale-Catholic Charities, YMCA, YWCA, or a local mental health clinic. You can suggest she look into this but ultimately it is up to her.

    I think my primary concern would be to be involved in my grand baby's life. Do you see her/him often? Is he clean? Well fed? Happy? Social?

  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Granny,

    I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, and sorry most of all for your granddaughter - that is a heartache because she is truly helpless in this situation.

    I agree that you must change your locks, put locks on windows, garage if applicable, etc. I'd lock them even if I'm home, so they can't just surprise you if you're not prepared. Hide all valuables, medications, even car keys. There are free/low cost counselors available thru many organizations, churches, etc. Don't know what state you're from, but if you check around, I'm pretty sure you can find something.

    Most of all, the incense that your daughter and her husband use is most definitely a "hard" drug, although because of some loopholes it is legal in many states. It's a manufactured hallucinogen that can cause psychotic episodes and even violence. Different batches have different chemicals that can cause permanent brain damage. Where is your granddaughter when they use this incense? What if she got hold of it somehow - it would surely kill her! If they don't stop and get help, I'd call child protective services for your granddaughter's safety. Her filthy house, stealing, sketchy friend choices and pattern of losing jobs seems symptomatic of frequent drug use. That incense is serious son and his friends were taking it and it nearly destroyed him.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Granny, from what I've heard, I consider incense a hard drug. It's not meant to be smoked and heaven only knows what it's doing to their brains. Only real difference is that it is not illegal to buy.

    You're doing the right things. I'm going to guess depression is a theme here, perhaps something else to go along with it, but maybe not. Daughter has to want to change herself, it's not something you can do for her as you know.

    Welcome to the board. :)
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I am assuming your daughter and her hub are drug users (most who steal from their own parents are). If so, you can turn to Al-Anon/Narc-Anon for support and comfort. I did when my daughter was a drug user (she stole from me too). You can not help your daughter...she is of age and needs to do things herself. If this were me, I would probably try to be getting custody of the granddaughter. in my opinion you should have filed charges against your daughter when she stole. The granddaughter is not having a decent life in that house anyway. And your daughter didn't suffer consequences because of her criminal behavior.

    I have fought depression all my life. Most people who are depressed do not break the law. It is a very difficult disorder, but it in no way causes one to act out in an anti-social way. I would not let that be an excuse for her doing so.

    Hugs and keep us posted.
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would call the local NAMI office and find out what low income mental health care there is in your area. My daughter sees a psychiatrist and gets her medications from a local community health center. She only has to pay $5 copays for the medications and visits.

    There is also a sliding scale so the fact that you said your sister in law makes a decent income might mean she has to pay more than that but it would probably still be cheaper than self pay for regular mental health care.

    As far as her stealing from you, do what the others suggested. Do not let her alone in your house or even out of your sight while she is visiting. If she stole from you before, she will do it again.

    Finally, smoking incense is serious drug use. It could explain her depression and laziness. I would be very worried about your granddaughter. Have you noticed any signs of neglect? If so, I think you need to report it to CPS although I know it would be very hard for you to do.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this.

  8. RainyGranny

    RainyGranny New Member

    Thank you for the advice. My granddaughter seems to be happy and well taken care of. She is a Joy! We get her over here every chance we can. Her other grandparents do the same.
    My h told me last night that he's done with our daughter. He doesn't want her around at all. Breaks my heart. She cussed my mom yesterday. So now she's broken that connection. I hope these medications kick in quick. I just don't understand why she's turned into such an ugly person. We gave her love and support her whole life. Yes, she's spoiled. How can that turn her into the person she's become? How can she be so hateful & disrespectful to the people that love her the most?
    She's always crying about being lonely and having no friends. Gee, I wonder why.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm sorry you had to find us. You are not alone, there are many of us who share a similar story. I think you've received good advice from the other parents here and I would go along with everything that's been said. You're doing all the right things and it's difficult, I know,I have an adult daughter who I've had to set very strong boundaries with. And, I had to go to court to get guardianship for my granddaughter who presently lives with us.

    It's a long road, this detaching process from our kids, it hurts, but it becomes necessary when they are specifically using drugs or in my case, mentally ill. The important issue now is that you get support for yourself. As others mentioned, Al- Anon or any of the 12 step groups are wonderful, or private therapy if you can afford that, or a group for parents of adult children lead by a therapist, you may have to do some research to find out what's available where you live, but there are many resources for support for you. Support will make this path you find yourself on, much, much more comfortable for you. I highly recommend that to you. I hope your life calms down and you find some peace. Hugs!
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    1) That's not incense.
    2) She shouldn't be smoking it at all, let alone be under it's influence with a baby in the house.
    3) Your husband is right. You should call the police and report the theft.

    You need to protect your granddaughter. Pay for your granddaughter's care, not your daughter's care. Your daughter is 25 years old and has a history of blaming you. She will continue to blame you, and you shouldn't pay for that.