Negative thoughts - Byron Katie/Welcome to Holland

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Allan-Matlem, Oct 18, 2010.

  1. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    It is tough enough parenting a challenging child without having to deal with our negative thoughts
    in my humble opinion the way to go is
    a -Do the ' work ' by Byron Katie - what would you be like without your negative thoughts
    b - see the positive - ' Welcome to Holland ' essay
    c - see yourself as a process or work-in-progress going in the right direction

    I hope this helps
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Allan,
    I must say that as much as I appreciate the "Welcome To Holland" essay that it is a bit simplistic and somewhat misleading. Personally, I appreciate unique perspective and thinking "out of the box" but if Holland is unable to hold it's own in the world events, it will be left behind or at the mercy of those countries that are insistent that their way is the only way. As a parent of a child who took me to Holland and a few other countries, I want to make sure he has the ability and weapons to protect himself and have as much of an independent life as his ability allows. Acceptance of their uniqueness does not mean we sit back and think "oh well, he is unique". We have much more work than those who go directly to Italy.
    Negative thoughts are wasted energy. I never said "why me?". Why not me? I get no special favors. You get what you get. The challenge is whether we rise to help our children or plead victim. In my mind,as a parent we must help guide them to a law abiding, tax paying, moral adult with as much independence as possible. Reality is different than negative thoughts. Being a child who goes off course to Holland may be discovering new lands. I'm all for it but many get lost if they are not equipped with tools to navigate. Some may say that a parent is negative but they may be realistic.

    Thank you for this post. It made me stop and really think about how I feel. I knew I never really cared for the "Welcome to Holland" essay but I don't think I really thought about why it didn't describe my mindset.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Allan--

    You know, sometimes I need a little "dark humor" to get through certain situations....I mean, sometimes you just gotta laugh or you'll go crazy, right?

    I liked the "Holland" story - but I especially enjoyed the parent response that said "Holland would have been lovely - Why do I feel like I ended up in Beirut?".

    I'm always open to new perspectives - sometimes this difficult child stuff is just so "out there". Jokes, stories, positive mantras, new ideas, yelling into a all has its place.
  4. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Thanks for yourperspectives and Fran , a deeper understanding. The essay , I think was written by a mom of a down syndrome child. For kids with behavior challenges - Haiti and the chaos might be more closer to reality , but with our kids I think there is also more hope and possibilities of learning and growth so they do become responsible and caring adults , not so with down syndrome , so Daisy Beirut seems more accurate. I think they call Beirut the Paris of the middle east but problems between members of the Lebanese family does not give much hope over there. When there was internal peace , Beirut was amazing.

    Ultimately being positive and seeing the positive will depend on the color of the lenses we wear and what picture we paint of the world.

    It is tough , but often it is one of the parents who has to create ' the joy of life in the home , the music, the dance , the hope - despite our kids we should be coping better

    This is pretty important especially if you are trying to ' work with the child ' rather than using tough love , consequences etc . A lot of moms get blamed by not being firm enough and letting kids manipulate them , that they are too soft. The dhs then look for the quick fixes that will teach the kid an everlasting lesson. Moms realize that trying to break a kid into submission will just lead to more conflict and chaos . If you want to convince your husband otherwise , one needs to cope better and believe in the path you are travelling , no matter how slow the progress , but when you are stressing out , husband will see this as a sign to do something different

  5. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

  6. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You are correct Alan, my son has the possibility of more independence with time, training, maturity and drive. The potential is there somewhere.