I'm new to this group as of today...I was searching around for someplace to vent. I think I need help. My daughters are 10 yrs and 2yrs and I have gotten to a point where I dread coming home from work because I don't want to be around them. My older one especially. She has been in and out of treatment for various mental health issues and is on medications (Lamictal), but I feel no bond with her. I never have actually- she and I have never really had any real relationship since she was born. I was 20 and pretty messed up back then. I mean, I make sure she has clothes and food, and I make sure she has what she needs when she needs it,but other than a sort of controlling, 'do what I say' feeling, I never really feel with her like I do with my little one. She is currently diagnosed bi-polar, PTSD, and they say a now the possibility of conduct disorder. I've been battling with her since she was 2 1/2 years old. I think sometimes if she spent the rest of her life away from me I would not feel anything...except maybe relief...in fact the group home she was just in discharged her last week (she went in for walking her little sister in highway speed traffic and cutting herself, but after six weeks they said she no longer required 24hr supervision, so the insurance said she had to go home now) and now that she's home I feel even more resentful toward her. My two year old was doing great till the older one came home, and now the little one just cries all the time, has started hitting, biting and being angry all the time. My babysitter says she's a totally different kid now that my oldest has come home again. I work all day, then I come home, cook dinner, give the baby a bath, and try to get my schoolwork done (working on my Master's). I can't concentrate on school, work, or my kids at any time. I feel like the world is closing in on me and I'm trapped by everything all the time. I don't feel like I have any control at home anymore- my older one is manipulating everything and my little one completely disregards everything I say now that my oldest is home again. My husband works on the road, so I am by myself in this. He can't come home for any length of time (he does come for one day a week now) until February of next year due to a contract he signed. So, I'm doing this by myself. House, work, kids, school, pets, etc etc etc. Some days I wish he'd come home so I could pack my bags and just leave and start over someplace else, with no kids, no husband, just me. I get so angry sometimes and I scream and yell and my kids get scared, and the dogs get scared, and then I feel like a horrible person and get depressed. What kind of mom has two kids and only wants one of them, if any? I started sleepwalking about a month and a half ago and having panic attacks in my sleep- I wake up and I can't breathe and I have to get out of bed and turn on the lights to try and calm down. I put notice in at my work..I'm quitting because I can't function- don't know what I'll do when I leave, but I have to cut out something...The money my husband makes will be enough to get us by for a couple months without me working, so a couple of months is how long I plan to be out of work...I don't have any time or money to see a therapist, (I'll have time when I leave my job next week, but no extra money..how ironic), but I think I might need to. Last night I actually felt like I understood mothers who abuse their children - At the end of their rope, no help, no outlet, freaking out and nobody understands no matter how much you try to explain. People just look at you like you're crazy when you say you can't stand your kids... I feel like such a horrible parent. I don't even want to go home anymore when I get out of work. Has anyone else been here?