Thanks so much for everyone's comments. I realize that I didn't really give a lot of info, and was more venting because I was sitting here at my desk not wanting to be at work, but dreading 5pm at the same time. I'm gonan give some background- I apologize for the length this will probably be, but maybe someone else has insight that can only be had by getting the details. I had my daughter when I was 20. I didn't do any drugs or drink while pregnant, but emotionally I was a mess. Her father and I split when I was just 2 months pregnant and he wanted me to abort, saying I couldn't possibly be a good mom...ever. I refused and made it my mission to prove him wrong. When she was born I was more focused on trying to prove a point and be spiteful than love a child. I had no idea what I was doing, and resented her a lot of the time, as I was young and didn't really want/know how to deal with the responsibility. She was diagnosed PTSD with-dissociative disorder at age 3, after a b/f of mine molested her at age 2. We don't know how many times or for how long- he lived in my house for 3 months- we only know that she was definitely molested, there was physical proof of it, and she has always been extremely verbal and was able to tell us just about everything. At that time I started to wake up and try to do 'mom' stuff cause I felt like it was my fault. I had dated a bunch of guys just so I didn't have to be alone, and in the process put my child in a situation like that. I was going through a lot of stuff then, including a rape that happened in my own apartment. I'm also diagnosed bi-polar and PTSD, and was switching medications and seeing several docs. They said that her controlling behavior and out of control tantrums were a result of her molestation. That the abuse took away her control, so she felt the need to regain it everywhere else in her life. At the time it made sense. We stayed in therapy from then till now. She's been seen by psychotherapists, psychiatrists, had exams, testing, IQ testing, etc etc. We've examined the possibilities of ODD, ADD,and even DID because of her tendency to dissociate. The kid has about an 128-130 IQ, so there's no issues in that department other than she is smarter than I am at a 124
. At age 6 she began precocious puberty, and we had to start seeing a pediatric endocrinologist for that. She went on Lupron at age 8 to slow it down until this past April when she turned 10. She is off that now. Two years ago she was diagnosed COBD by her long time psychotherapist and psychiatrist, but we didn't do medications because I hated the idea of putting my little girl on medications so young. We moved from New Hampshire to Oklahoma in August of 06. Last school year her behaviors began to escalate. She never really had good social skills with friends, but they got worse, and she started stealing more, lying more, and she got sneakier than I have ever seen. I can't possibly list all the stuff she does, but trust me, it blows my mind and sometimes even the therapist shakes her head in disbelief. Her intelligence makes it very difficult because she thinks of things to do that most adults I know wouldn't. She doesn't break stuff and hurt people directly- she does everything in a way that you don't know its happening until it is too late. Its all very quiet and sneaky. In March of '07 she put Germ-X in her teacher's drink on her desk. When the teacher drank some of it, she immediately realized something was wrong, looked around, and saw my daughter, smirking at her, from the back of the classroom. Campus police got involved, the school wanted to expel her, but instead we made an agreement to get her re-evaluated with psychiatric, and she spent the rest of the school year in a self-contained classroom. I've seen that smirk more than once since then. Its like she takes pleasure in knowing she has made others upset. She doesn't show remorse for things she does unless she picks up on the societal cue that she should feel bad. She'll look around, see people are upset, and then puts on a sad face, like she suddenly feels bad about it. Maybe I'm crazy, but the look in her eye says different to me. Other people say she's charming, smart, and wonderful to deal with. They say she's helpful and empathetic and blah blah blah. At home she is the complete opposite..making everything take 3x's as long as it should, she's rude and obnoxious, and enjoys frustrating me to the point of tears while she smirks. The dangerous stuff started this year- cutting herself, putting her 2 year old sister in dangerous situations, etc. People who haven't seen her in action look at me like I'm crazy when I try to explain her behaviors. I often feel like that guy with the singing frog in the box from the old Looney Tunes cartoons..does anyone remember that? The therapist here in Oklahoma says we're looking at CD along with the COBD, and that her lack of remorse is more disturbing than anything else. It is to me too, but most people don't see it because she's getting better and better at reading facial expressions and knowing what the 'appropriate' response should be. I have gone to school for psychology, drug/alcohol rehabilitation, criminal justice, and right now I'm halfway through my Masters in Criminal Justice. I'm no dummy, but she makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten, hiding in a corner from the boogeyman. I say we have little bond , but I know that's not entirely true. I worry about her and I feel horrible when I'm yelling at her, and I am scared to death when I can't find her when she goes off on her little 'unauthorized walks' she often does to scare me. But we never have any good feelings it seems. The idea of taking her someplace fun and doing stuff with her just exhausts me thinking about it. I can't stand taking her places and doing things with her because I am always suspicious of what she is doing when I'm not looking or what she has done that I don't know about yet. She was only at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6 weeks. The first two they acted like I didn't know what I was talking about, then they started to see her behaviors, but she quickly adapted to the environment and realized what it was they wanted to see. Last Wednesday they discharged her, saying that we could handle it from here in outpatient therapy-that she didn't need 24 hour supervision for safety any longer. The only long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s they have here require that I give custody to DHS or put her in a religiously based program, which is out of the question- I'm not Christian and I refuse to put her in a program where they are going to make her study the bible three times day. I did call those places though. One was 8 hours away and they said that even if she came in a non-christian, she will be a christian when she leaves. That was all I had to hear. I'm not knocking anyone's religion, but I'm all set with what sounds like a violation of rights to me. I'm also not giving her to the state, so I feel pretty stuck.
Her first therapy out of the group home isn't till July 7th, which they set up, not me. I wish I had someone who would take her for the summer or even for longer than one night at a time. Most people don't trust her, and my family is very 'arm's length' with each other. My dad, who lives here in OK, makes superficial attempts at being involved, but that's about it, and the rest of my family is in various parts of the country. I don't have more than a few friends here because I never even have time to step out of my house except for work and grocery shopping. Most of them know how she is anyway and won't take her - many adults are scared of her. I even do my classes online because I don't have time to go to a brick and mortar school. I guess i just needed to find someplace where other people have similar issues..I just always feel isolated.
