new and need help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by evesheart, Apr 17, 2008.

  1. evesheart

    evesheart New Member

    I am a mother of four and am starting to get frustrated and looking for some other suggestions with people that have the same kind of problems. My boys were diagnosed with ODD and the 10 year old was diagnosed with ODD with CD. I have two younger girls that sometimes I have to wonder. The boys were both starting to emprove but lately have really started to back slide. A lot of times I think it's my parenting.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us point you in the right direction:

    How old are the kids?
    What kind of doctor diagnosed the boys with ODD/CD?
    Are they on any medications? If so, what medication/dose?
    Are they in therapy?
    What kind of behaviors are you seeing that concern you?
    How do they do in school, both academically and with peers?
    Any developmental or speech delays?
    Any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?

    Again, welcome.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's very unusual for someone to have ODD without there being some other underlying problem that could be contributing.

    Serious suggestion (it's what I did) - get ALL the kids seen by one specialist at the same time. That way, any problems in common (due to either heredity or your parenting) can be observed, as well as issues each child may have individually.

    In the meantime, get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It could well be your parenting that has aggravated this. Not to say that you're not a good, strict, consistent parent - but with some kids, the parenting techniques that work so well for most kids, can be absolutely disastrous for others. You could hand your ODD child over to a "perfect parent" who has perfect children and they would have the same problems as you. The book provides alternative ideas and methods as well as reasons for why it works. I found it made my job so much easier, and so much more peaceful. Grab a copy from the library, or have a look at the discussion on this in Early Childhood (forum or archives).

    It won't cure any underlying problem but it can help you understand it. It can also help you greatly reduce or even eliminate (with careful handling) the oppositional behaviour you observe. And with that out of the way, what is left is the underlying problem for which help is still required.

    When you have a better idea of what you're dealing with, it's always easier to manage.

    Welcome to the site, we're all here to help each other.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome! You will find a lot of support and experience here. We all have thought it was our parenting at some point, but usually there is a lot more going on that we just aren't aware of yet. Who diagnosed your sons? It is typically recommended that neuropsychological testing be done (this would be by a psychologist who is trained to do it- I think most or all have PhD's) and sometimes it is good to have a psychiatrist evaluate them also. I haven't heard of any children being diagnosed with CD at all or any with ODD without something else going along with it. That doesn't mean they are "completely nuts" (LOL) or can't be helped, but usually they need a little supports in other areas that we just aren't aware of. That is what the testing is for.

    Anyway, welcome again and if you're comfortable, tell us a little more about the situation and I'm sure others will come along who share those experiences.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi and welcome!

    I echo Smallword's questions. Sometimes we need a tad bit more info to offer input. ;)

    I do want to say that when we have a child (or children) with challenging behaviors, our parenting skills have to be tweaked. That's not to say that we've got poor parenting skills, but we do have to kick it up a notch. I had 2 enormous areas that I had to work on - consistency and not reacting emotionally to my son's behaviors. Both of those areas took a very very long time to get down (most of the time - I still occasionally blow it). Consistency is a real bear for me - there were some days when I would let a behavior slide just because I was too wiped out to deal with one more thing, and then other days when I *would* address that same behavior. From a kid's perspective, it's massively confusing.

    I also fell into the trap of seeing my pcs' behaviors in difficult child terms and punishing as if they were difficult children. Totally *wrong* strategy in my family. My pcs respond to positive reinforcement so well, so appropriately (unlike my difficult child). When I was able to kind of split my parenting skills into one set for difficult child and another for the pcs, life got a whole *lot* better for all of us.

    Again, welcome!