New and needing it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by carlard, Aug 1, 2008.

  1. carlard

    carlard New Member

    I found this forum just a few minutes ago, and please excuse any typos, I'm a bit of a mess today.

    I guess I had to have reached my "bottom" before reaching out in this way, but as I'm sure many of you understand, I just cannot find the support, or just the ...words..I need to hear from anywhere else right now. I'm feeling very alone, which is funny, as my phone is ringing off the hook.

    My difficult child is a 7 year old redheaded boy who was my only up until 4 months ago. I raised him alone, of course today I'm feeling guilty for that, and how close we are. I have a 4 month and two day old baby girl, with husband, who is not difficult child's father. He and I have been together for 2 years, we relocated to his state to be with him.

    Being here, with him, in this suburban town is the most stable I and difficult child have ever been. He does not remember biological, and we moved frequently due to my own bad choices and circumstances. We were relocated after Katrina (we were in LA), and moved here in Feb of 07. All during that time people would comment on how polite and just generally GOOD difficult child was. And he was! Though I rarely let him out of my sight except for day care. My own personal issues rearing their heads.

    When we moved here, I promised myself I would start him in therapy, just because..well, we had been through alot. A stepparent leaving, the hurricane, multiple moves, no support system ( I was not speaking to my own family).

    He began having disruptive behavior in school, social skills needing work. About once a month a note would be sent home- while his academics were above norm, his relationships with peers was rocky.
    Fast forward to first grade, this past year. He was suspended twice for major meltdowns consisting of refusal to follow teacher directives, at one point attempting to hit a teacher who tried to put him in time out. The principal, one of the few trained in restraint, had to hold him in the boy's restroom until I could come get him.

    We had just started outpatient therapy the week before.

    IEP meeting. No diagnosis, we can't help him much without one. How bout a 504? Well, he has a slight lisp, we can do speech therapy, and we are moving him to the developmental classroom.

    The last few months of my pregnancy saw increasingly defiant behavior at school and home, to the point where he would scream bloody murder if i so much as told him to take a shower when he didn't want to. Therapist recommended "The Explosive Child", and we began using the CPS program (Collaborative problem solving).

    After baby was born, difficult child yet again began acting out more frequently. Was suspended, again, the Principal told me to consider home schooling.
    He was suspended the last week of school for causing a scene in the school hallways, screaming and refusing to give back a tinker toy he wanted to play with. At this point, I knew his patterns, CPS was working at home, but not so much at school, as they use a different system. If he woke up in a foul mood, chances were he would have a bad day at school, no matter what I tried to do to diffuse him.

    Therapist referred us to a Partial hospital day school his office was affiliated with. difficult child was excited, it was summer, he was bored, and he LOVES school. After two weeks there, they gave a tentative diag of ADHD for impulse control. He seemed to have blocked executive pathways for social nuances, and could be set off into a screaming kicking meltdown from the smallest things. Then he would calm, and be the kindest, sweetest child. He began saying, during calm moments, that he hated being bad, would look at me tearfully and ask why he was such a bad kid. Broke my heart, and all I could do was explain that he wasn't bad- that he just had some stuck moments that we were helping him learn to overcome.

    psychiatric DR at Partial scripted adderall, 10m in the am. He did well in partial, they were optimistic. I informed them he was melting down more rapidly at home, so they scripted 5 mg of the same in afternoons.

    One week later, things are calm, too calm. I told Dr and social worker that I was waiting, I knew it was building up. They stayed optimistic, said the medications were working. But after another meeting, we discussed ODD diag with the ADHD in addition to a mood disorder (all run in my fam). Dr said wait a week, and if needed, he would script prozac to balance the adderall.

    Yesterday- dropping difficult child at Partial, he was in a foul mood (clenched fists, gritting teeth, growling) Because I pushed the elevator buttons instead of him. I left him with the nurse, warning her he might have a hard day. She nodded, expecting it, and I walked down the hall for the weekly parents meeting they hold there. At 2 pm I went to pick him up, bare feet, baby only in a diaper, expecting he would get in the car and we go home.

    Instead, they asked me to come up, as they could not release him until he had calmed. I find he is upstairs, in a quiet room, banging on the doors, walls, with feet and hands, and yelling to be let out. He had argued with a peer, it became heated, they asked him to go to a quiet room, he refused, they dragged him- he assaulted a counselor. Dr was there, soc worker was there, said if he did not calm in 15 minutes, they would call crisis, as they could not release him like that. One hour later, he is still raging, crisis comes, I am calm, but a bit freaked out. Dr says tomorrow he will script prozac, that crisis could calm him, and we were getting FST *(family stabilization team) to get ready for the next day.

    difficult child , now calm, informs crisis he wants to hurt people when angry, and wants to die when he is sad. They relay this to me, and say that crisis supervisor feels he needs hospital level care for suicidal tendencies. At this point I break, but still outwardly calm, baby in arms. They ambulance him to ER for medication clearance and to find him a bed somewhere. 6 hours in ER, they have a bed at psychiatric hospital across town. At 11:30 pm he was finally admitted, and I can't remember anything they said, or that I signed, because I'm more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. husband had met me at ER, and was supportive throughout, but I'm still feeling isolated.

    I woke up today feeling like I have a hangover. I'm sort of numb, but I keep tearing up, though i cannot seem to sob like I want to. I don;t know what I'm supposed to do. I called his therapist, left a voice mail, but feel like I should be doing something! Anything! Do I call the partial to follow up with them? Do I set up an outside psychiatrist in addition to therapist, do i call his gen pediatrician? Is there some sort of handbook for this? husband truly is wonderful, but selfishly, I can;t help but think that he can't understand, difficult child isn't -HIS- child...I know I'm acting horribly by thinking this, but it's what I'm feeling. My mother called at 7 am, I can't bring myself to talk to her. She went through this same thing, with me, at 16.

    I know everyone here understands this, I don't feel like I'm unique in this, but I personally have never felt so...lost. Here go the tears again.

    I apologize for the length, but I just had to vent and get this out.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh Carla - reading this just brought tears to my eyes. Welcome and I'm so glad you found us.

    We need to have a serious chat about the school situation but that can wait. Let me just say that with the # of suspensions, an IEP should be a no-brainer, but some school districts (SDs) can be really dense. Principal suggesting home schooling was in my humble opinion borderline illegal - but again, not something you need to address right this minute. Once your little guy gets stablized, we have an excellent sped 101 forum to help guide you through the process with the SD.

    I think admitting him was right on, but I know it must be breaking your heart. I hope that the treating psychiatrist will be able to get a handle on what is going on. Also, when it comes time to start discharge planning, the hospital therapist/SW should be working with you on resources once he's home. I think without question he needs to have a psychiatrist to monitor medications, as well as his therapist. I would get recommendations from hospital staff. If treating psychiatrist sees kids outpatient (and you like him/her), I'd try to follow up with him for continuity of care. Some states have better community resources than others but things to ask for would be respite care and crisis team intervention.

    We're not docs and we certainly don't have all the answers. We bring to the board our own biases bases on our experiences. Take what you can use, and skip the rest. ;) My bias would be to not jump to Prozac but to ask about a mood stabilizer, especially since there's a family history of mood disorders. I'm very very leery of antidepressants in kiddos but again, that's just my bias having a kiddo who is bipolar. I would hope that hospital will do full psychiatric testing on him and come up with a plan (pharmacologic and therapeutic) to help him function better.

    What you need to be doing today is some self-care. Truly truly, I understand how distraught you are, but he is in a safe place, receiving treatment and being well supervised. You need to take care of yourself right now - it's not selfish, it's survival. The very best thing you can do for him right now is build yourself back up so that you're strong (emotionally and physically) when he comes home.

    You also need to keep reminding yourself that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! None of us entered parenthood as perfect people, and none of us have been perfect parents. We learn as we go. If you've given your best, tried your hardest, and made changes you needed to make to be better (which it certainly sounds you have), then you're doing okay. "The Explosive Child" is one of the basics here on the board - excellent book with really good strategies. I also loved that it gave a bit of insight into the thinking of our challenging kids.

    Again - take care of yourself today, hon. Welcome!!
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to the board, Carla. Have a cup of coffee and pull up a chair.

    Slsh had some wise words for you. You really DO need to take care of yourself.

    I am glad you know that you are not alone. You have found a safe place to land.

  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. Sending you hugs {{{HUGS}}}. You are not alone, we all can relate to what you are living and how you are feeling. It really does help to talk with people who are living similar circumstances, so you found a great place for that. I have learned a great deal here and have gotten some much needed support and advice.

    I agree with slsh, the sd had no business suggesting home schooling!!! You need some peace during your day. It is their job and the law, I might add, to educate your child no matter what his needs are. In my opinion, home schooling would not be good for any of you. Your son needs to be with children his own age to build up his social skills and you need to be able to take care of yourself as well as your little one. Do not let the school district bully you, or anyone for that matter (not even the doctors). Do not let the "professionals" intimidate you.

    You have had a rough go of it, I am so sorry about Katrina. You made it though, you are a survivor and you will survive this too. You must take care of you before you can be of any help to anyone else. So while your son is in the hospital take a breather. My daughter is also in the hospital now, this is her 5th week and it is like a vacation for the rest of the family. Thats not to say we dont love and miss her very much, but lets be honest, these children are not easy to live with. So consider this time respite for you, husband and the baby. Take a long hot bath and let Calgon take you away!!!

    Raising a difficult child is very difficult, it is demanding and utterly exhausting, not to mention heartbreaking!! It does get easier as time passes. You will get used to all the emotions and one day, believe it or not, you will be able to detach a little and get some of your life back. The beginning of this journey is always the hardest.

    Come here as often as you need, this is a wonderful community to belong to. The people on this board are amazing, they have helped me tremendously.

    Hang in there hun. God bless. :)
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Welcome (with HUGE hugs for you!)! I'm glad you and yours got out of La. safely.

    Step 1: You're not a horrible person for feeling ANY of the feelings that you have. OMG! You're human! If you were to do a formal poll of the parents on here, you'd be amazed at some of the emotions we've ALL felt now and again.

    Step 2: School districts are more psychotic than our kids. Chant this to yourself every day for the rest of difficult child's academic life.

    Step 3: Be good to yourself. You won't be ANY good to ANY body if you don't. Make sure that you're not dealing with any kind of post partum issues as well.

    Step 4: husband sound like a good egg. I don't think he'd be reassuring if he didn't think of your little guy as his own. Some guys are just good. You might have one of those! lol!

    Step 5: Call the psychiatric hospital and ask to talk to the social worker, the family coordinator, or whatever their title might be. Explain that you were exhausted, had a baby in your arms and the comprehension levels just weren't there AT ALL.

    Step 6: You need some diagnosis' done for him. I'm not comfortable with medicating with "tentative" diagnosis's. difficult child 1 that I have is text book running side by side with your son. I was reliving his life while I was reading your post (as well as his academic career!). Ask for them to do a full neuropsychologist on him (I don't know if they do that inpatient or not). This will pretty much check him and his history out from soup to nuts and they'll be able to more fine tune things. We were medicating for ADHD/ODD for YEARS and Concerta was making him worse. We moved to a mood stabilizer (Abilify) and we have a totally different kid in the house. EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT!!!! Something else to chant on a daily basis!

    Step 7: Come to our site OFTEN! The validation is so dead on - so many of us have been going through this and every single participating member will tell you that they found a wonderful place. Make sure that you stop in at the Watercooler forum for some adult conversation (which there are some of us that manage to behave childishly - me - on there as well).

    We're here and truly understand! Gotta go! I'm off to pick up the ugly purple minivan AGAIN with the same problem (we're up to $1200. bucks on this air conditioner! I should have been a mechanic!).


  6. Oh Carla, my heart goes out to you. Admitting your child to a psychiatric hospital is extremely hard, but you did the right thing. (I remember the first time I admitted my son, I broke down and cried after I left the doors as I walked away after signing the papers.) You have come to a great place here at CD. It really is a soft place to land.


  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Welcome Carla.
    Others have already given you great advice, so I will simply chime in with gentle {{{{HUGS}}}} for you.

    Beth is right. Your husband does sound like a good egg. It's great to have someone supportive to lean on when everything is melting down around you.

    Do make time to take care of you. You need to keep your strength up to fight the battles to get your son the right kind of services, and you need to be kind and soft and gentle with yourself in order to do that.

    Come by often. This is a great bunch of people and I have received so much help from them.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Your son is safe right now. Take a few deep breathes and gain some of your energy back. It is OK to feel relief that he is not arguing with you right now. ;)

    The adderall could have him getting even angrier. The prozac is not the best answer either.

    He needs an evaluation with a group of doctors. A team. It is called a multi-disciplinary evaluation. It can be done at a Children's hospital. It is not only for mental health, there are medical doctors involved as well. It is meant to consider all possibilities. The little guy has been through alot but that does not mean he is not allergic to something or have something medically going on that changes behavior.

    I suggest you get the current team to recommend this for you and keep all people on board together. Get them used to communicating together and with you. Your son could be needing mental health treatment for many years to come and it will be helpful to have a team of medical personnel behind you.

    Now, since you mentioned your own history, I tend to think this is mental health - unless you have some other medical thing going on that was never looked into. Have you ever had a diagnosis? Tried medications? Do you see yourself in your difficult child?

  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    First, I gotta tell you I think you're an awesome mom! You told your son exactly the right thing when he asked why he was so bad. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate our children from their behavior. You are doing this and doing it beautifully.

    Many kids move a lot for various reasons -- financial, professional, military, etc. Some kids handle the moves with no problems. Others fall apart. Either way, it is a fact of the families' lives and the kids have to find a way to deal with it. Beating yourself up because you had to move a lot is an exercise in futility. Believe it or not, the big thing is that you loved him and he knew it. The moves may not have been fun but you were there for him throughout. Believe it or not, when he gets older that's what he'll remember and treasure.

    I raised my daughter as a single parent. The agreement with my ex was that we would stay married until the adoption was final (I wanted a child, he didn't) but would move out the day after the adoption and have no responsibility for my daughter. That is what he did and I'll be eternally grateful that he made sure I had this wonderful, difficult child in my life. Raising a child as a single parent isn't easy but it is much better than raising a child with someone who resents the child or just isn't cut out for parenthood. Even infants can sense when they're not loved. So, be proud that you did manage to raise him alone. He sounds like he's been a pretty wonderful kid through most of the time you've been kicking yourself for not giving him everything you think he deserves.

    Hospitalizing a little one is hard. It is hard when it is for a physical ailment. It is even harder when it is mental -- at least you can see the treatment for the physical. Mental is more difficult. Worse yet, once the initial shock is off, the child frequently seems to enjoy the stay -- no responsibilities, lots of fun stuff, much easier to be the good kid because the stressors aren't on them. So, for the pain in him being there, many, many HUGS.

    If possible, see if you can get a neuropsychologist exam started while he is hospitalized. This is really your best chance for an accurate diagnosis. I really don't know much about medications but I would be hesitant to agree to Prozac for one so young.

    When you have a chance, get a copy of the book "The Explosive Child." Many of us have found it to be extremely helpful. If nothing else, it gives us a better idea of what is going on in our kids' minds.

    For now, know that you really are doing a great job as his mom and, from the sound of it, your husband is doing a good job of being dad (let him, it sounds like he loves both of you a lot). Read as much as you can to find out what might be going on in his mind. Be prepared to fight the school district (A LOT) to get him the help he needs. Don't give up. There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it just seems like there isn't. (Remember, you broke down at 16 and look where you're at today.)
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I just wanted to add my welcome. You've found a soft place to land. :flowers:
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hello and Welcome!! You've already gotten some good advice- I'll just reiterate what I think are very important (but I'm no dr either!!). I'd be hesitant to agree to prozac- knowing what I know now and given your son's issues that he's exhibiting - I'd ask about mood stabilizers or something else too- I personally would not feel comfortable with a stimulant or anti-depressant in this situation, especially when it appears that they are just looking for a trial medication. Secondly, I think he needs neuropsychological testing and, if it were me, I'd try to get an MDE after that with a psychiatrist and developmental pediatrician.

    Those results should give you a strong place to start. You'll get diagnosis, specific effects it is having on him in general and at school, and will come with recommendations for m,eds, therapy, school (IEP), and anything else.

    Oh- and keep coming back here!! There are great parents here who understand how you feel, will "listen" when you need to talk, and offer plenty of experianced advice that you can consider while going through this. You aren't alone-
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Adding my welcome!
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to pop in and say hi!

    Poor kid and poor you. Sounds like an adjustment disorder overlying something else. You've gotten some great advice here. I hope you get some answers soon.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hi, Carla.

    You poor thing - and your poor son, such a lot to deal with.

    He sounds like a decent kid under all this, and it sounds as if, despite everything you've both been through, that you've been really trying hard to give him a good, consistent upbringing. You would have had problems much sooner if this had been simply a parenting issue.

    I have no clues as to what they will determine in the hospital. That is something totally alien to me here in Australia. But a couple of things I feel I should emphasise -

    1) I have a difficult child with a clear and obvious diagnosis of high-functioning autism. He seemed initially to be a easy child, with high abilities. The problems showed up as he got older and still wasn't talking. His older brother had no language delay to tip us off. But otherwise - VERY similar to what you describe. Amazingly similar.

    2) A lot of this is in how you handle them. A kid with impulse control issues, or with a need to be in control of his environment (and with all you've been through, including Katrina, this would be very understandable) would need to be directed to tasks carefully. You don't do it by forcing him, dragging him, or insisting on instant compliance. Instead, you give warnings of need to change task as well as a good reason. For example, difficult child 3 playing a computer game, he's just got to a new level he's never reached before, he's excited about this new achievement - then I come along and shut off the game because he has ignored me three times already when I called him to have his bath. And he swears he didn't hear me - with his excitement, he probably didn't.
    So what I do instead - I ask him if he can either pause the game now, or tell me how soon he can get to a point where he can either save or pause. We then write this down on a Post-It note and stick it where he can see it. I then revisit the situation and check. This gets me good compliance. I don't yell, so he doesn't.

    3) If my difficult child 3 had been in the situations you describe that your son was in, and he began to rage in ways that were escalated by the environment and situation, he would say and do the same things your son did. I'm not saying your son was in the right, only that it's highly likely that what he did was perfectly logical, from his point of view given the combination of how he was handled and how he has been feeling. There doesn't need to be anything huge wrong with him, for a situation to get as badly out of hand as this one did. I've found with difficult child 3, to not let things get out of hand. But there have been times when people didn't know him well enough and DID let things get out of hand. For example, at his last mainstream school difficult child 3 was walking from his classroom to the school hall when he remembered that he had in his hand a book his class teacher (Mr A) had asked him to put on his desk. But Mr A was not there, and the teacher supervising, Ms B, refused to let difficult child 3 go back to put the book on Mr A's desk. difficult child 3 became increasingly frantic and loudly argumentative, insisting that he had to do as he had been told. Ms B tried the authoritative approach ("you will do as I say, NOW") and was met with increasing resistance from difficult child 3. By the time they got to the school hall (about two minutes) difficult child 3 was being verbally abusive, physically threatening and violent. They had to get everyone else out of the school hall because difficult child 3 was in there, throwing chairs and whatever else he could get his hands on. If someone had gone in there and physically restrained him, I know it would have escalated even further. Luckily someone called the principal who thankfully understood difficult child 3. Mr A was called and he sorted the problem out by taking the book from difficult child 3 and making it clear he wasn't in trouble for not putting the book on his desk, although he WAS in trouble for throwing chairs! No further action was taken because the principal and Mr A both considered the problem had been mainly due to Ms B's lack of understanding of how to appropriately manage difficult child 3. However, it was written down in difficult child 3's communication book so I could have my own written record of the incident. And for me, it became the deciding factor to pull difficult child 3 out of mainstream permanently. There are too few Mr As in the world, and too many Ms Bs.

    Whatever is the problem with your son, keep an open mind and keep helping him the best you can. Don't beat yourself up over what you can't change. And recognise that a great many kids could have reacted like this. All it takes is an initial problem that gets out of control.

    I'm not saying your son hasn't got a serious underlying mental health disorder. He could well have,especially considering all you've been through. But it's equally possible that he's just had enough, and lashed out; then things just got too far out of hand. If he's got a short fuse, or has impulse control issues, or has difficulty task-changing (for all sorts of reasons) then any one of those could be a trigger for these problems that keep happening.

    difficult child 3 has a short fuse. He has impulse control issues. Plus he has difficulty task-changing, which always led to a lot of problems in mainstream school settings. difficult child 3 also doesn't view people as being different to him - for difficult child 3, everyone is equal. That means he sees himself on an equal footing with teachers, parents, younger children, babies, total strangers - everyone. A teacher being sarcastic to him - he doesn't understand. A teacher might say to him, "Take this ball to the store-room now," and difficult child 3 might reply, "Why? I didn't get it out, I wasn't using it." And he would use the same tone of voice the teacher used to him. If the teacher felt a desperate need to save face, a bad situation could develop.
    And nothing we could do, could teach difficult child 3 to not behave this way. The only way to teach him to behave, was to behave properly towards him - to set the example to him. We've learned - difficult child 3 dishes out exactly what he receives, because that is how he learns what is appropriate.

    There can be many reasons for this. For difficult child 3, it's connected to his autism.

    Medication for ADHD has helped difficult child 3 a great deal. Without it, he just doesn't function, especially in a classroom environment.

    I remember when I was a kid at school, aged about 7, I had a couple of incidents where for various reasons, I misbehaved. I was at a new school and finding it rather confronting. The school was much bigger than my old school and kids were alternately very nice because I was new, or very mean because I was not what they expected and the novelty was wearing off. I remember trying to talk to one girl who had been chatty to begin with and I really wanted to be friends with me. She was wearing the sports uniform, a tunic with a tasselled cord round the waist. I had never seen one before and it looked really pretty, the tassel very silky. I asked her if I could touch the tassel to feel if it felt as silky as it looked, and she said no, very meanly. So I bit her. And she tattled. I then felt really bad, although I was still very angry with the girl for being so mean. The teacher sent me to sit "over there" and I didn't know exactly where she meant, so I found some bushes nearby and hid there for the rest of the afternoon. I did hear them looking for me but stayed hidden. Nothing further was ever said or done.
    These days - the situation could well have been escalated to nasty levels.
    I had never bitten anyone before or since. As I "learned the ropes" I felt less insecure and more able to cope with the wider range of personalities and to not react so inappropriately. I also learned that the girl I'd bitten who had SEEMED so nice initially, WAS one of the mean girls and I stopped caring what she said or did. But at the time - I just wanted to die. I felt so bad inside, I had done something very childish for a very petty reason, but all my frustration had just welled up and biting had felt like the only thing left for me to do.

    We expect kids to be able to act with reasons we understand, as adults. But to a kid, actions, impulses and reasons can be very different. And they can't always explain it to us.

    I hope you get some answers than can help your son. In the meantime, don't be too alarmed by the depth of emotions he expresses. Childhood is NOT a happy time for most of us, but too many adults forget this. I hated my childhood, I spent a lot of it very miserable and resenting the lack of respect I got and lack of control I was permitted over my own choices. I longed for adulthood, when I could be seen as an individual and be permitted to make my own decisions without being patronised.

    And now I AM an adult - I do not look back with amusement at the presumption of a small child. Because I know that small child was right to feel angry at being treated in such a cavalier fashion.

  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You have been given some great suggestions on where to go from here. I just wanted to add my welcome. I hope you wake feeling more rested and more optimistic this morning.

  16. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I wanted to add my welcome and tell you how much I admire all you are trying to do to help your difficult child. It isn't easy to be put into this position, having to question the professionals.
  17. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Carlard, I am so sorry you are going through this. Go ahead and have a good cry - take care of yourself for your own health.

    Poor little guy has been through so much. I wish the school would be more open in asking for your input instead of suggesting home schooling. It would be so helpful if the staff would sit down and discuss what you are doing at home that helps. My difficult child goes to a private (our church's day school) school. He does not have an IEP and because the staff at our school is so in tuned to each child's needs, I feel I do not need one. The teachers will do EVERYTHING that I request from allowing a bottle of gaterade or water on his desk to chewing gum if he needs to. We discuss and come up with a plan together to handle issues. Most of the time these plans have come from the coping skills activities difficult child learned in a psychiatric hospital. I will talk to them about helping me with an IEP next Fall when he goes to public school.

    We have learned with my difficult child that he often needs a very long time to mull over something before apologizing. This could be up to 24 - 36 hours. And even at that, if he still believes he had the right to do something and can explain to me why, he may still refuse to apologize.

    I agree with the others. The SD has no right to suggest home schooling. Do they even know that you are able to home school? Not everyone has that talent.

    With everything your difficult child has been through, I wouldn't be surprised if anxiety will be added to his diagnosis. That is the diagnosis my difficult child has. He started with self harm thoughts and has felt evil. Both scare him. I don't believe that the feeling like you want to die is always suicidal. It is a statement to ask for help - stating I can't do this anymore. My difficult child's self harm thoughts had his body telling him to do things to hurt himself that could have ended in death but he did not want to die. He just wanted to end whatever was going on.

    You are a good mom - you knew something was brewing - you did not let your guard down as things started going smoother.

    Take any support you can from husband - let him get involved so that he can understand.

    I know how you feel about your mom - I just couldn't talk to my mom and certain other relatives when difficult child was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I didn't even want to tell them he was admitted. Then I realized that I would not get the support I needed if family did not know. I have been fortunate that EVERYONE is being supportive. If you find anyone who isn't, then no more news for them and on to the next person.

    Not everyone needs to know anything or everything, but search out your support people (that will include us also so keep on board).

    How are things going today?
  18. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Hello and Welcome,

    Sending you a big hug for all you've been through. Try and take this time while your son in in psychiatric hospital to recharge.

    I understand all too the well the feeling like you need to do something for your son and not knowing what to do. I hope that you will be able to get more information from the doctor during this inpatient stay that will shed some light on the situation. Good Luck.

  19. SRL

    SRL Active Member


    My advice to you would be not to let up on the search for answers just because he's been through this experience. Assessments done in crisis situations don't always yield clear results. If this were my kiddo, I'd want to have him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician or pediatric neuropsychologist just so something isn't missed. Being unstable such as he is now can mask issues (ie an unstable child with high functioning Autism can look bipolar).

    Hang in there--many parents here have experienced what you are going through.
  20. carlard

    carlard New Member

    Thank You ALL so very very much!

    The morning that I posted this, I was a total mess. I had to go to a WIC appointment, and I sobbed through it all, they were very disturbed lol. I was driving, and having a hard time of it, so I tried some deep breathing, nothing worked. I finally broke down and called my own gen practitioner, who asked me to come in that afternoon. Scripts for Celexa for my own depression (coupled with post partum and sleep deprivation, now THIS) and ativan to hold me over til the celexa kicks in...I managed to visit with difficult child that afternoon. He was very hyper, telling me all about what they did that day, that he had missed me, all about his roomate. It was a short visit, as we had been dong a re-intake before. Apparently they realized that I most likely had no recollection of what I had done the night before, and they just wanted to reclarify things.

    I spoke wit the soc worker at the partial, who said that he was handling referrals and such for me, and that difficult child would return to them as a "step down" when he was released. That we would discuss post-plans then, for now, I was just to know he was where he was supposed to be, in good hands, and that I needed to take this time to help myself. Again he mentioned this being true bipolar, and that he had never seen it quite this textbook (oh joy, that's so comforting!)

    husband and I went out to eat after that. I was in no shape to go cook at home. My closest girlfriend called me then, and she and her husband met us for dinner. One ativan and half a scorpion bowl later , I was actually laughing at something friend had said. On the way home, that ended, and I felt guilty for having fun while difficult child was at hospital. I slept like the dead, got up the next morning, made plans to go see difficult child for supper time.

    psychiatric hospital called me that afternoon. Apparently it's the law that they notify when they have to "hold" him. He had a conflict with a peer, tried to punch him, threw some chairs in the cafeteria. They said he was able to calm rather quickly. They had to hold him again when he had to have blood drawn, that, to me wasn't nearly as surprising.

    For curiosity's sake, I asked if they had been giving him the adderall he was scripted. They told me they were holding that for now. This worried me, I had read of horror stories of cutting aderall cold turkey. I wondered if his blowup that afternoon had anything to do with it. There were no social workers on call on weekends to dicuss it with.

    So we went to see him that night. he seemed mellow, a bit distant, but nothing I could really point out, one of those, "I know my kid, and this ain't normal" type feelings. I chocked it up to him being ired, red eyes and all. He was a bit hostile during parts of our visit. I told him I had see our friend for dinner and she says hello. He yelled at me "Why didn't you tell me that last night?!?!" I calmly explained we had not seen her until after we had left him. At another point, he made some smart mouthed comments about how late I was to see him, but I let them go. He did not acknowledge his sister or husband in his goodbyes, and I left there feeling a bit worried, a bit relieved.

    We are to see him again today, and I'm very curious which difficult child I will be seeing when I do. So I'll update, and take a spin around other areas of the forums. I'm feeling better today in that I'm not crying, but I still feel like I need to. It's under surface now, like the medications I'm on won't let it out, but it's still there. Calm enough to remember that I have a house that needs tending, and a teething 4 month old who is calling for me. So I'll check in with everyone later. Again, thank you all, you have no idea how much better you all made me feel.