New day, new perspective

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Nov 2, 2017.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    It happened to me last night. Finally. Nothing really changed on the outside, but I felt the shift in the inside. I had a busy day working then husband calls and tells me he will be working late. I went for a long walk down by the creek. I heard the frogs and birds and watched the sun go down. I walked home and started to sweep my front porch. I had been in complete agony and grief, being around my 35 year old bipolar daughter takes a lot of patience, guts, and nerves of steel.. I went into deep meditation and thanked God for the lovely evening and peaceful walk. I always talk about 'giving it all to God' and I try but for some reason I hold on to some of it. Well last night I felt the intense agony, grief and pain lift. Just like that, I felt the Holy Ghost lift my spirit. I do know that my daughter's journey is HER journey and if she chooses to act bad that is on her, I can walk away lovingly. And that is what I have been doing. I have been walking away lovingly and solidly. I do not like the way my daughter acts around me or the way she treats me or how she messes my home up with her toxic actions and vibrations and how she tries to destroy my soul. I will have a 'Do not disturb sign on myself'. I got a message from her saying that we all need to go to family counseling. That is her way of trying to get her foot in the door to do more damage. We have gone through many sessions and many hours, I have spent close to one hundred thousand dollars, after insurance, on her behavior and by now at age 35 there should be great improvement but it is back to square one. My husband and I will not sit through the same old stuff over and over again. She will change when she can't take anymore of her own B.S. And sometimes I see the change but always back to square one. I have been making sure all of our financial dealings are on lockdown. I have been checking credits and other ties we have to our daughter and if I do find out she has forged our name you better believe it that I will press changes. I understand deeply that by not holding her accountable for her own behavior I am not helping her. I understand that the greatest gift I can give her as a parent is the gift of independence. Much of being a doormat is that I so desire a close relationship with her, she is my only child, but she is not acting like my child she is acting like a deviant trouble maker. I have to find a way to cushion the need for a daughter. I love my nieces but they don't fill the void I have for a connection to my own daughter. The deep sisterhood that I felt with my grandmother was such a great experience. I felt grounded and not alone, I felt deeply loved and deeply cared for, traits I show my daughter. But then I realize that my grandmother and I had a magical relationship and just because I want to feel that connection again does not mean I can have it with my daughter. I have tried it with my mother and in reality my mother just pisses me off with her rude ugly comments. I do have a wonderful loving husband but that is not the same as a deep connection with another female. I can only talk so much about sports and really I don't care so much about them. I have several sweet girlfriends. I don't have a bestfriend anymore, she found out her only son was gay and it has changed her in ways that are awful and she started verbally attacking me, she now is overweight and very bitter. I am sorry for her stress but we ALL are loaded down with stresses that we can't help but we can help how we handle them. Blessings to all.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    New Star
    I know that epiphany as I had it myself not to long ago. It still pains me that my son is and chooses to be the way he is. He is still young and I am hopeful that he may change. I no longer have expectations and grave dispare.

    It truly is a spiritual shift of mindset and it is almost indescribable. It is what it is as we can do nothing to make it any different. As Copa says the Ball is Truely in their court.

    Be kind and good to yourself this has been a long road for you.

    Accepting her and protecting yourself with healthy boundaries is not loving her any less.
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so glad that you are finding some peace in letting go of the chaos and drama from your daughter.
    You sound healthy and strong in spirit.

    Like you, my son is my only child. I hold onto a little hope that someday we might have a close relationship but as I said, it's a little hope. I am realistic enough to know that may never happen and I'm okay with that.
    I have successfully detached from my son and his chaos. I have taken my life back and started living for myself.

    I love this!! The mental image of this is something I'm going to hold onto. Even though I've detached from my son's chaos I know all too well that there will be times in the future that he will try and suck me back into that dysfunctional mess he calls his life. I will use this image to help me stand strong.

    Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing with us.

    ((HUGS))
     
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  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you littleboylost. My love for my daughter is ever lasting but I do know I have to protect myself. I am so glad that you had that spiritual experience, we can just do so much then they need to kick in and do it. I have always worked much harder than my daughter on her bipolar but it does not good. It has to come from her.
     
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Tanya. I saw where you had adopted your difficult child at age 7. I can't even imagine all the heartache you must be feeling. Taking on an adopted child with all the money and paper work that goes into that and then having him not make good decisions. I am so sorry for you. I have many friends with adopted children and watch the struggle. My niece adopted 3 children from parents that were on crack and or in prison, her youngest sons birth mom did not even know she was PG until she gave birth. Hard to believe! Now these 3 are growing up and I see major problems already. I know that adoptive parents have so much love to give and to not have that love returned is so heartbreaking. I think that I will make up a card and when my daughter comes around and wants to talk all that self made drama and BS I will hold up that card that says 'Do not disturb'. A few weeks ago we took a short road trip together. She talked nonstop about her boyfriend telling me that are going to break up, I have heard that over and over again for 7 years. Plus all her other drama. Then I told her about a problem I was having and she told me to shut up. I knew if I said anything more it would turn into a war zone. I will not allow her to continue to rob me of my time and health.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you've found your center, your epiphany will ease the path.

    Over time, it all becomes your new normal.

    My daughter is my only child too. She leads her own unconventional lifestyle, which works for her and since she's unwilling to make any changes, it's the life she's chosen. I am out of it in every way due to my strict boundaries. She has no leverage or control at all in my life and interestingly, it works better for both of us.
     
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  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi recoveringenabler, I am glad your strict boundries are working for you. My bipolar mother in law would not leave me alone. I had to set my boundries with her but it ended up with her stalking me. She could not leave me alone. I almost had a break down after being around her. She kept trying to make contact with me after I wrote to her and told her that I am completely done with her. It took much strength and determination but I had to cut all ties with her. I told my husband that if he allowed her into our home I would leave and spend the night somewhere else. I was that done. My daughter had witnessed me having to do this. She will never know how hard it was. At the time my daughter agreed that it needed to be done. Since she had witnessed me having to do this, she knows that I am capable of doing it and she knows it may happen to her again..Life is much better when you are not on the end of endless, unnessesary abuse.
     
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    He's my biological son, my husband adopted him at age 7.
    My son's bio-father was not in his life much at all and yet my son has turned out just like him. This is where I believe nature -vs- nurture can be an overpowering influence.

    I know all too well how saying something can cause a spark in them and yes, enter the war zone.
    I'm glad that you standing firm and strong in letting her rob you of your time and health.
     
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Tanya, I get it. Bio son. It is odd how heredity plays such a large part. My daughter has not been around her bipolar grandmother or aunt yet acts so much like them, it is a particular type of bipolar or borderline or whatever but it is the same ugly strain. I hear and see the same mean destructive words and manners and even the way my daughter conducts her life. My mother in law was deeply Catholic, went to Mass everyday quoted the Bible all the time and tried to live by it but her bipolar got the best of her. My bipolar sister in law tries to be nice but it is off and on and not for long. My bipolar brother in law is out of our lives, just could not take him one second longer. A couple of years ago my husband and I were riding our bikes in a park, his brother rode past us and yelled something at us, he did not recognize who we were and I thought, what a jerk and then realized it was him and said a prayer of graditude that he was out of our lives, just the tone of his voice creeped me out.

    Now here I am stuck with this family curse. Not even sure which side it came from and it does not matter, it is here. I heard my dad's dad was awful, I heard that from many people. My dad tried hard but was an alcoholic after 6 PM, he never drank during the day, he worked hard, he was a functioning alcoholic. My mom was an only child, totally different than her mom, my dear grandmother. When I was little I was always asking my grandmother if mom was really her child. I believed that there had to be a switch at birth since both women were such polar opposites. Grandmother stayed for us kids, would hate to see what my life would have turned out like had she not been there.