Pookybear, I think you hit it on the head - these kids are often extreme, thinking inefficiently etc and we would have to work really hard to make them change this - and endure all the problems associated with them fighting this too (and probably still not succeed i making them change the way they think). But it's easier and more effective for us to change OUR way of reacting and interacting, which then makes it easier. We meet them where they are (because WE are the adults, we are capable of doing this) and we can then slowly, as they can cope, move them back towards the way we want them to be.
I tell people that they need to change their mind-set - this is what I mean. Once you make this kind of change in how you react to your child, you find your feelings about your child and their behaviours also undergoing a phase shift. This also makes it easier.
About your son's reading - I'm going to suggest something, and I'm working here on the premise that somewhere in your son's head he needs to process information like my difficult child 3 - like someone with autism. (Currently watching a documentary about Kim Peek and they just announced, in amazement, that he processes information differently. Well, duh. They also said that because of his problems in conceptual coding, it means there are deficits in other areas. It DOES account for his prodigious memory, however. He wouldn't have that, if he could think and process more like the rest of us).
To your son and reading - I found difficult child 3 needed to get the lot in one holistic package. However, my son was able to pick up phonics really easily. Sounds like this is an area of weakness for your difficult child. So you need to adapt this to take into account his problems.
What I suggest you do is read a book to him. In other threads I have suggested reading it together, getting him to read some of it too. With difficult child 3 I used to read the "boring bits" while he did any dialogue (with funny voices). But if he's having constant difficulty 'locking in' his recall of the correct phonic link between the sond of the word and the look of the word, then you are going to need a different kid of repetition.
You need to link, through repetition, the look of the word, the sound of the word and the context but in a way that doesn't ask anything more of him than to just listen. It's vital that he take this in so you need to lower his resistance to the challenging component of this task. You NEED him on side for this, it needs to be something he enjoys and wants to do, as much as possible.
So two things you could use as the texts to read - a book he likes/wants (his choice); or TV/movies of his choice. When watching TV or a DVD, use subtitles. Try to avoid other languages (because they have different pronunciation rules and it can be confusing). Something that helped us a lot was a TV program for adult migrants, that taught them English. There was no sense of being talked down to (which really sets difficult child 3 off, always did even when he was a toddler) and also only English was used. The actors spoke clearly but a little slowly, which made it possible for him to understand. difficult child 3's language delay is completely caught up now, but he still can't absorb fast text. A comedian whose patter relies on speed will lose difficult child 3. He wants to, but just cannot mentally keep up and also absorb all the words that were spoken - it has something to do with how his brain processes language. It is NOT normal, even though he sounds and seems so very m=normal these days.
Interestingly, Kim Peek when he is talking about information he has learned, he pronounces words phonically. I noticed this, the program didn't mention it. It's something I've noticed that difficult child 3 does - he often mispronounces a word even after he's heard it pronounced correctly. His mispronunciation is directly connected to the phonic logic of the spelling. For him, it is how that part of his brain works, it lays strong emphasis on logic in phonics because that was how he learned his reading so very early.
With difficult child 3's mispronunciation, even if he habitually gets the pronunciation wrong (after correction, too) he still understands the meaning of the word (often he learnt the meaning form context).
Explain to difficult child that you are trying something to help his brain learn; that everybody's brain learns differently, and if you can work as a team to find a way that works for him, all he has to do is tell you if it's helping or not. Ask difficult child to select a book he wants and you will read it aloud to him. If you can tape record it at the same time, even better - it will help if he can play the tape any time he wants, while reading the book. The aim is for him to listen to your voice AND run his finger under the line of test. Forget that this is considered a bad habit - at this stage, he needs to see the connection between the word on the page and the sound as you say it.
Something that will annoy you, but you need to put up with it - he is likely to want you to stop and go back. If he has the chance to listen to a tape, he is likely to play it over and over, to zip back and listen to a bit again and again. He MAY be past this, I don't know. But from experience - no matter how annoying this is, how much it seems that what he's watching is just not sinking in - let him do it.
That's why maybe watching a documentary on DVD, with subtitles, could be a way to help. Let him rewind, fast forward, do whatever he wants. Over and over. But encourage him to keep the subtitles on. There are a lot of really good documentaries out there. You might be able to borrow some form the school or a local library. Or friends. But be prepared for him to maybe ant to watch them over and over. difficult child 3 would fight watching something for the first time, but after that he would be back at it until he had it completely memorised. He also keeps asking me to explain what something means - he knows he has difficulty with complex meaning, especially double meaning. By asking, he gives me the chance to continue the interaction and also the learning experience.
difficult child 3 finds reading narrative difficult. He's had to do it for school and for us it's a major headache. We've found our ways around it but it's hard work for us. Factual writing - not a problem. For difficult child 3, the problem is conflict.
Something else that is really good - comics. Comic books, especially those written for either very young children, or older readers. Despite difficult child 3 being a very good reader, and having been reading fluently since he was a toddler, he still prefers reading books for early readers. He's in high school, for heaven's sake, and he STILL re-reads every "Spot" book he can get his hands on!
With Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, ADHD kids and a number of other diagnoses, they are often highly visual. This means that simply reading the book to him may not be enough to get the information into his head. Linking the "audio file" to a matching visual input can speed up the learning of the whole. Making it as holistic as possible reduces the problems of fragmented information.
So often we're advised to break up a task into simple fragments, but with difficult child 3 (and other high-functioning autistics I've encountered) they may do better if the steps are made easy in terms of short grabs, but not if you break it up into a smaller workload as well. A short but intense effort is better than a longer but simpler task. It's hard to explain without a good example.
Your son may not have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but I'm betting that in this, he is sufficiently similar for this to help.
Watching this TV program tonight on Kim Peek has been interesting and informative. I've also learned that a lot of what I have observed in difficult child 3, and implemented as the result of my observations and my instincts, are only now being seen as "amazing breakthroughs", "experts now believe" and "contrary to previous thinking". But I'm nobody special, I'm just a parent paying attention! We ALL have this ability to observe, make assumptions, test those assumptions and to change the way we do things to take advantage of something that works even better.
So value your parental instincts. Be prepared to make changes, according to what you observe to be effective. Be aware that when he begins to really work at it himself, your son will know better than anyone else, what works best for him. He may not even be fully aware of what he is doing, but if he's bright (and it sounds to me like he is) then he will be subconsciously looking for mental stimulation and will follow the path that gives him the most knowledge acquisition in the shortest time. It may not be 'knowledge' as you or a school curriculum might value it, but somewhere in there, is something that he feels he needs.
Example: difficult child 3 used to watch videos over and over, skipping back and forward to view short scenes over and over. Often his viewing was out of context and he had no idea what the video was about. A neighbour with a similar son commented that his son "had nothing going on in that head, it was just mindless activity." but it was not.
difficult child 3 also memorised huge chunks of text from videos, DVDs, songs on the radio - everything. There seemed to be no understanding with any of this in the beginning - "the light's on but nobody 's home". However, at a later date he used chunks of this text in context in similar social situations. A bully was chasing difficult child 3 and instead of the situation getting out of hand (as had so often happened in the past) difficult child 3 just delivered a line from an obscure computer game; "I'm sorry, I've got no time for this, I'm busy right now. Can I come back and ignore you later?"
I've also seen difficult child 1 do the same thing, very subtly. A local comedian dropped in and began throwing jokes around. difficult child 1, who had been studying humour (in the same way difficult child 3 studied videos and DVDs) simply drew on his prodigious recall and was able to match the bloke line for line. I had to step in and stop them, difficult child 1 was having fun and the comic was losing his sense of humour, he didn't like being outclassed by anyone else. It was all humour based on puns and word association. Interesting.
I'm glad you're getting a lot out of the book. Keep us posted on how you get on.
Marg
