strangeworld
Active Member
Warning, this is gonna be long. Having a very hard day...after several very hard years. I've been lurking around this website for a while now, thankful to have found it about a week ago.
Our 19 year old daughter is once again, home "visiting" after her stay downtown at the park (or possibly with friends - hopefully) for a couple weeks.
There's so much backstory here - not sure how to condense it all. She is, like many of those on here, unbalanced emotionally, uses alcohol and pot (not sure if anything else). There's been a diagnosis of depression and anxiety disorder at 15 - was on antidepressants until about 17. She abruptly went off - was hanging out in this park with her friends - stopped going to school - did not graduate. I signed her up for the CHSPE test twice (high school diploma equivalent) - she missed by 3 points the first time, second time did not show up. I decided not to pay for any more attempts. She uses pot and drinks heavily - from what I know. She hangs around with people who also have either decided to not grow up or have serious mental health issues or are addicts.
She was living with her boyfriend - 24 yo - for almost all of last year until they had and altercation and she stumbled and her front tooth got knocked out. He also has mental health issues but from what I understand, he is not an abuser. He is in jail awaiting his trial. She will be there to be truthful with the judge...that she was at least part of the problem. He did not "push" her down, but was guiding her away from the door of his apartment and I think she was so drunk that she stumbled on some cracks. I don't know and she said she doesn't remember. I don't think he should have been physically guiding her away from his door but I don't think she should have been pushing her way in either. We will let the jury decide. I've seen how she gets - actually have called the police on her four times in the last 4 years.
But now, she's "homeless" again...so back and forth between the park, friends, and here, our home that she considers her home.
We don't give her money -stopped giving her lunch money back in her junior year of HS when I smelled alcohol all the time. She had her backpack stolen a couple weeks ago and all her stuff was in it. Previously, a few months ago, I helped her get her ID (she doesn't have a driver's license), her EBT card, and an Obamaphone. It was at a convenient time for me, so it was okay. Here is the problem - I feel such a pressure to do the "right" thing. I read about enabling and I don't want to do that, although I am torn as to what exactly is okay to do out of love. Well, today I helped her again. I did pay for her ID. I am so sick of the guilt I feel that I am "enabling" her. I'm sick of society's expectations and condemnations of parents who help a "little too much".
Today as she was griping about having her laptop stolen (which was given to her by her younger brother when he got a new one) and then started asking in a whining tone about the upstairs computer (the monitor is in my son's room - he does a lot of video stuff and loves to have two monitors). She was hardly ever here last year and so we figured she would never use it again. I decided to tell her (while were driving back from getting her ID, EBT card, and phone) that she will need to think about moving out. We have offered to pay for school at a community college or even trade school or whatever. She has a college fund. She doesn't want to do school. So I said she needs to start looking for a job - part time or full time...she said she won't do that. She will hitch hike with friends to another country???? If it wasn't so scary, I would laugh.
Anyway, it goes on and on and I know you have all been here where you are feeling like you are either enabling or abandoning your kids - where is the middle ground? I absolutely love this girl and keep having flashbacks of when she was a sweet little child. This is breaking my heart and my spirit because I feel hopeless at this point. I have been on and off depressed for about 5 years. Periods of contentedness in between these bad times. And I'm going through the beginnings of "the change" too which makes everything amplified. I am consumed by guilt. And here's why. I feel better when she's not in the house. Even knowing she's up to no good probably drinking heavily and smoking pot. At least she's not yelling and screaming at me. And I feel guilt that we might have contributed to her inability to launch. I feel guilty that I didn't stop her from meeting these friends of hers...letting the rope out too soon maybe. I am sick of bashing myself with guilt. No one is a perfect parent. I get that intellectually, but not emotionally.
I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way about her that I used to. I feel like she's a stranger. But this is my daughter - my first born. I love her deeply and every once in a while I see that kid come back into her eyes, but then it's gone in a flash. It' s been a few years of on and off verbal abuse by her and I feel like I was so weak at times that I just couldn't deal and I shut down. She blames me and my husband for our "high expectations" of her (yes, we did have high expectations because she is brilliant and she knows it). She flunked a class, then a couple more and still has the nerve to say it's our fault because we expected more??? She blames us for not letting her get her license but at the time she didn't want to get it...then the drinking started. I feel guilty because I was an alcoholic and quit drinking permanently when she as one year old. Our family on both sides has a lot of drug/alcohol abuse. WE never had alcohol in the house except for the last two Christmas holidays - some wine and a 6 pack of beer for our guests. Somehow I thought we "saved" her from this awful disease by not having it in the house. But we let the string out too far and then peers came into the picture.
I know you will tell me to see a therapist (I have been to a couple and am going to go to another one probably soon if I can't get a grip). And I have been to Al-anon several times. It's helpful but the times of the meetings is not good for me except for one day a week. I am going to try to make an effort to go a couple times a week. I don't know of any support groups in my town (I asked therapists and they don't know of any either). My husband is more of a tough love person and I feel like it's going to come down to sink or swim for her. I can't help but feel like it would be throwing her to the wolves. I know none of her friends (other than one I briefly met when she was couch surfing at his place with a couple others). How do you let go when it goes against every fiber of your being? As mothers we are built to protect our kids and we do that all the way up to when they start spitting in our faces and then we are told to "detach", "let go and let God", etc. I am absolutely devastated with this situation because my kid is struggling and I can't help her other than let her have a safe place to stay and a warm meal at times. How many days a week? How often do you ask that they check in if they are on the streets? Is this OKAY? Even if they are not TRYING to move forward? Am I not allowed to give to her without expectations of contribution of some sort in return? I just want to have a bit of a relationship with my daughter. I feel trapped. She has already become a "homie", a "townie" and I was spying on her at her hangout the other day - on her birthday. It makes me sick and sad and I just want to have some sort of peace of mind.
I don't want to pay for a therapist to just blah blah blah blah. It's costly and even though I can afford it, it just seems to be a venting session and I temporarily feel better but I KNOW what I have to do deep down if things don't change. Cut her off. I just can't do that right now and I feel like it's either my sanity or I'm sacrificing my daughter's chance to grow up. Isn't there a middle grey area? Baby steps I guess...but it's so hard living in this uncertain phase of life.
These forums help me a lot- even if it's just to calm me down in the moment. Thanks for reading, especially if you made it to the end!!!
Our 19 year old daughter is once again, home "visiting" after her stay downtown at the park (or possibly with friends - hopefully) for a couple weeks.
There's so much backstory here - not sure how to condense it all. She is, like many of those on here, unbalanced emotionally, uses alcohol and pot (not sure if anything else). There's been a diagnosis of depression and anxiety disorder at 15 - was on antidepressants until about 17. She abruptly went off - was hanging out in this park with her friends - stopped going to school - did not graduate. I signed her up for the CHSPE test twice (high school diploma equivalent) - she missed by 3 points the first time, second time did not show up. I decided not to pay for any more attempts. She uses pot and drinks heavily - from what I know. She hangs around with people who also have either decided to not grow up or have serious mental health issues or are addicts.
She was living with her boyfriend - 24 yo - for almost all of last year until they had and altercation and she stumbled and her front tooth got knocked out. He also has mental health issues but from what I understand, he is not an abuser. He is in jail awaiting his trial. She will be there to be truthful with the judge...that she was at least part of the problem. He did not "push" her down, but was guiding her away from the door of his apartment and I think she was so drunk that she stumbled on some cracks. I don't know and she said she doesn't remember. I don't think he should have been physically guiding her away from his door but I don't think she should have been pushing her way in either. We will let the jury decide. I've seen how she gets - actually have called the police on her four times in the last 4 years.
But now, she's "homeless" again...so back and forth between the park, friends, and here, our home that she considers her home.
We don't give her money -stopped giving her lunch money back in her junior year of HS when I smelled alcohol all the time. She had her backpack stolen a couple weeks ago and all her stuff was in it. Previously, a few months ago, I helped her get her ID (she doesn't have a driver's license), her EBT card, and an Obamaphone. It was at a convenient time for me, so it was okay. Here is the problem - I feel such a pressure to do the "right" thing. I read about enabling and I don't want to do that, although I am torn as to what exactly is okay to do out of love. Well, today I helped her again. I did pay for her ID. I am so sick of the guilt I feel that I am "enabling" her. I'm sick of society's expectations and condemnations of parents who help a "little too much".
Today as she was griping about having her laptop stolen (which was given to her by her younger brother when he got a new one) and then started asking in a whining tone about the upstairs computer (the monitor is in my son's room - he does a lot of video stuff and loves to have two monitors). She was hardly ever here last year and so we figured she would never use it again. I decided to tell her (while were driving back from getting her ID, EBT card, and phone) that she will need to think about moving out. We have offered to pay for school at a community college or even trade school or whatever. She has a college fund. She doesn't want to do school. So I said she needs to start looking for a job - part time or full time...she said she won't do that. She will hitch hike with friends to another country???? If it wasn't so scary, I would laugh.
Anyway, it goes on and on and I know you have all been here where you are feeling like you are either enabling or abandoning your kids - where is the middle ground? I absolutely love this girl and keep having flashbacks of when she was a sweet little child. This is breaking my heart and my spirit because I feel hopeless at this point. I have been on and off depressed for about 5 years. Periods of contentedness in between these bad times. And I'm going through the beginnings of "the change" too which makes everything amplified. I am consumed by guilt. And here's why. I feel better when she's not in the house. Even knowing she's up to no good probably drinking heavily and smoking pot. At least she's not yelling and screaming at me. And I feel guilt that we might have contributed to her inability to launch. I feel guilty that I didn't stop her from meeting these friends of hers...letting the rope out too soon maybe. I am sick of bashing myself with guilt. No one is a perfect parent. I get that intellectually, but not emotionally.
I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way about her that I used to. I feel like she's a stranger. But this is my daughter - my first born. I love her deeply and every once in a while I see that kid come back into her eyes, but then it's gone in a flash. It' s been a few years of on and off verbal abuse by her and I feel like I was so weak at times that I just couldn't deal and I shut down. She blames me and my husband for our "high expectations" of her (yes, we did have high expectations because she is brilliant and she knows it). She flunked a class, then a couple more and still has the nerve to say it's our fault because we expected more??? She blames us for not letting her get her license but at the time she didn't want to get it...then the drinking started. I feel guilty because I was an alcoholic and quit drinking permanently when she as one year old. Our family on both sides has a lot of drug/alcohol abuse. WE never had alcohol in the house except for the last two Christmas holidays - some wine and a 6 pack of beer for our guests. Somehow I thought we "saved" her from this awful disease by not having it in the house. But we let the string out too far and then peers came into the picture.
I know you will tell me to see a therapist (I have been to a couple and am going to go to another one probably soon if I can't get a grip). And I have been to Al-anon several times. It's helpful but the times of the meetings is not good for me except for one day a week. I am going to try to make an effort to go a couple times a week. I don't know of any support groups in my town (I asked therapists and they don't know of any either). My husband is more of a tough love person and I feel like it's going to come down to sink or swim for her. I can't help but feel like it would be throwing her to the wolves. I know none of her friends (other than one I briefly met when she was couch surfing at his place with a couple others). How do you let go when it goes against every fiber of your being? As mothers we are built to protect our kids and we do that all the way up to when they start spitting in our faces and then we are told to "detach", "let go and let God", etc. I am absolutely devastated with this situation because my kid is struggling and I can't help her other than let her have a safe place to stay and a warm meal at times. How many days a week? How often do you ask that they check in if they are on the streets? Is this OKAY? Even if they are not TRYING to move forward? Am I not allowed to give to her without expectations of contribution of some sort in return? I just want to have a bit of a relationship with my daughter. I feel trapped. She has already become a "homie", a "townie" and I was spying on her at her hangout the other day - on her birthday. It makes me sick and sad and I just want to have some sort of peace of mind.
I don't want to pay for a therapist to just blah blah blah blah. It's costly and even though I can afford it, it just seems to be a venting session and I temporarily feel better but I KNOW what I have to do deep down if things don't change. Cut her off. I just can't do that right now and I feel like it's either my sanity or I'm sacrificing my daughter's chance to grow up. Isn't there a middle grey area? Baby steps I guess...but it's so hard living in this uncertain phase of life.
These forums help me a lot- even if it's just to calm me down in the moment. Thanks for reading, especially if you made it to the end!!!
