Newbie~at my wits end.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mimm, Apr 20, 2010.

  1. Mimm

    Mimm Guest

    :whiteflag:My husband has a 6 yr old son from his first marriage that lives with us full time. We have taken difficult child to see a counselor who referred him to a Neuropysch, very quickly the Neuropysch diagnosis'd him with ODD and stated there was alot more under the surface. Outwardly with first impression, he charms everyone. He is very smart and very manipulative. It's insane for a 6 yr old to be this scary.

    He targets those smaller or less dominant than him, and only provokes those that are bigger when he feels he is safe or protected. He threatens to destroy the posessions of the other kids in the house, or to hurt them if they defy him or upset him. He has already hit his 2 yr old sister and kicked our 5 yr old in the stomach.

    He openly defies the teacher at school, repeatedly refusing to do as told. The teacher states its almost as if he is trying to test his authority.

    He takes absolutley NO responsibility for anything he does and always blames everyone else. Its always someone elses fault. He has forged notes from the teacher, stolen from the school, and the other children in the house and has been caught stealing snacks and chocolate. He is a compulsive liar, and will lie about anything (even things that wouldnt get him in trouble)

    We recently found out he has been lying to his bio mom, telling her we beat him, don't let him eat dinner with us, or don't let him eat the good food (only leftovers), that we leave him with babysitters when we go somewhere fun. *We have 5 kids total, we couldnt afford to hire a sitter every time he's in trouble LOL*

    The doctor is waiting on the insurance to approve the medications they want to prescribe. But I'm at my wits end with this, he has openly stated he does not want me or the kids there (any of them), I have tried everything to help him. I praise him when he does good things and tell him he's a good boy. I put a reward system into place that all the kids follow, It works great with the other kids, he just does not seem to care. We've stipped his room, tried time outs (long ones too, due to him misbehaving while already there), early bedtime, chores, and there have been occassions where husband had spanked him due to him purposely hurting one of the other kids and telling us he didnt care.

    Nothing seems to work. And even as long as this post is, ive typed and deleted and retyped and edited and tried to be brief but it only skims the top of his behavior issues.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    First of all, are they any psychiatric problems on either side of this boy's family tree? It sounds like a lot more than ODD to me...ODD rarely stands alone anyway. Was he nurtured and loved by one consistent parent as an infant and toddler? He sounds like he may have attachment problems, which can cause antisocial-like behavior in kids. Does he wet himself or poop inappropriately? Set any fires? Is he mean to animals? How was his early development? Ask hub if he spoke on time or made good eye contact or acted strange in a ny way. Does he know how to socialize with his same age peers? Is his mom, by any chance, a substance abuser? Did she drink while pregnant? Can he live with Mom?

    I personally would not let him alone with the younger kids. He sounds like he could be dangerous when you're not looking...especially the baby...and maybe the other kids are too scared to tell you what he does. Unfortunately, I had a foster child who was very damaged and hurt the younger kids (badly) when we didn't see...and they never told us out of fear of him.

    I wish I had better advice, but my #1 issue would be safety. If the doctor wants to put him on stimulants or an him closely. Both can make an acting-out kid act out even more.

    Others should come along, maybe with better advice. He sounds very difficult. I'm sorry you had to join our little group, but we have good folks here who understand.
  3. Luvbooks7

    Luvbooks7 Guest

    Hello, welcome, and are you sure you weren't writing about my daughter?
    Seriously, this place is great, lots of smart and experienced people on the boards here.

    I don't have any experience to offer you, but I can suggest some books that I'm wading through right now, I wonder if the authors were watching us and writing about us?
    Again seriously, here are 3 books that might help you at least learn some more about ODD and difficult children.

    The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene PHD
    The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids by Ernest W. Swihart Jr. and Patrick Cotter

    The Defiant Child by Douglas Riley

    another one I recently picked up and started reading is
    The whipped parent by Kimberly Abraham

    Sometimes I wonder what "reaches" these kids, they don't seem to care about any rewards or punishments, just dominating the household and causing chaos.

    I am sure that others will read your post and share some wisdom from their experience.

    Here's a hug for you

  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    With all due respect, what medications would the doctor prescribe without a diagnosis? There are no medications specifically for ODD.

    ODD rarely stands alone. It is typically a symptom of an underlying disorder. When the underlying disorder is identified and treated, the oppositional behaviors generally subside.

    Welcome to the board.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Welcome - WOW, you do have your hands full - how many 6 year olds would even think of the possibility of forging notes let alone do it? Midwest mom is correct - do not allow him to be alone with the little kids - ever. And even when you are nearby, watch him like a hawk. It is amazing how much harm can be done under your nose. He can torture your little ones right before your eyes and unless you are watching for it, it would be very hard to see. What looks like normal sibling rivarly could be much more dangerous in this situation. Watch the little ones for signs of fear and/or constant avoidance toward him.

    I hope your insurance approves quickly. I don't have any advise on discipline since not much mattered to my kids either. They had nothing that could be taken away. My only advise is to remain calm and collect as much as possible. Do not show the fear you may be feeling for him. Work on detachment skills which means never take anything he does personally. Whatever he does is not a indicaton of your parenting skills. You can do everything right and it would still not change his behaviors. I hope the medications that are being planned will help.

    The books mentioned should have lots of helpful information and give you strength to continue. Another book to add to your list, "The Manipulative Child". I loved it and wished I had read it when my Diva was 5 or 6. Although I read it about two to three years ago when both kids where older than what I saw the target age being, it did strengthen my resolve to be the parent I wanted to be. It helped me to recognize manipulation in the form my children were using as well as how that grew from me wanting to allow my children choices to where they always expected things their way (their choice). I always encouraged them to figure out a way to make certain things work and they turned it around to try to demand/manipulate everything they wanted. I did use the strategy it teaches on my Diva even when she was 17 years old and found it successful (at least I was at peace going through the difficult situations).
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi there! I am going to go out on a limb here and bet that you live fairly close to me since you said military in your signature. Was Daughtry just playing for you the other week? WKML mean anything? If so, we are close by and the ground shakes when they practice dropping

    Im not sure exactly what type of neuropsychologist you got that simply told you ODD. Did you go to a Developmental Evaluation Center? Or a private neuropsychologist. Who is your sons psychdoc. If you are where I am assuming you are, I can give a great referral. He is booked out about 4 months now but he is so worth it.

    Well once you tell me that, I can work on more. LOL
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board!
  8. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    I am sorry about your difficult situation. in my humble opinion the way to go is try to connect with him , so he can learn to trust you and see you as a help to solve problems, work with him instead of trying to 'do' things to him and manipulate his behavior. It means removing communication and language which expresses blame , punishment or even praise - that can well easily be taken as stroking him because he is jumping through your hoops. When we spend some one on one time , it could be also with a mentor , older brother, buddy-tutor , maybe check with your church or any other charitable organization that can find people to spend time with your son , - the one on one dynamic allows connection and more important allows the kid to interact with you without trying to resist , just thinking , being reflective and perspective taking .
    check and especially the vide clips
    Education is a long process , no magic bullet , nurture yourself