Hello out there - Well, the moniker says it all. AHHUM: Angry Harsh Hostile Unloving Mom These are all the names I have been called while trying to navigate the so-called authorities & bureaucrates over the last 4 years. Here's our story: Son is 15, 16 in April Son ran away for 10 days last Jan. We reported it to the police immediately and were assured he would be sent to detention if/when he was found. Mind you, this is the 3rd time he's run away, it's the middle of Winter and the authorities are finding frozen bodies every few weeks or so. I know you can imagine the horrible things that go through a mother's head. This is on top of the past 2 years being extremely difficult with this kid, more on that in a bit. So difficult husband (married since Son was 1) & I even allowed him to move in with his BIO (at Son's request) up in Idaho for 6 months. Anyway after he was picked up, again after 10 days with no word from him, and a couple possible sightings from neighbors, the police refused to put him in detention, because it's not against the law in Utah to run away unless you cross state lines. Quite honestly, I was so very angry I didn't want him in the house, it was just enough to know he was safe. I wound up walking out of the police station, telling the officer "Fine then, you keep him". Well Mr. Officer chased me down & threatened to cite me for child abandonment and making a public scene. Really, the kid RAN AWAY for 10 days, the only reason he would be coming home is because he was caught, (apparently it is against the law to refuse to allow the run-away back in). AND, I wouldn't be making a public scene if you weren't running after me, gosh. So I went back in & they literally had 2 other officers come out & block the door so I couldn't leave without him again. I wound up getting the # & address for DCFS, Dept of Child & Family Services. I went there requesting assistance with the kid, explained the latest incident, a bit about the last 2 years, including a separation between husband & I for 4 months all because of the stress in our home due to this kid. Again, I was extremely angry, so needless to say this came through in my attitude & voice. So I wound up being in a room with 3 people, very angrily asking for help, explaining why we needed help "The atmosphere in our home is toxic, my oldest son never comes home, he doesn't like the drama. My husband and I seperated & came close to divorcing all circling around the actions of this kid." They refused any help, except to refer me to another government agency, this would be the 4th TODAY. So we wound up taking him to a shelter type place where they kept him for a few days. About a week later I got a call from an agent with DCFS. I thought they were following up to offer further assistance. It took me a couple seconds to realize this dude was investigating me for emotional abuse and, boy howdy, B***h Mode was right back & in style. I was so angry I was shaking. I wound up giving this guy an earful for about 20 minutes, hardly let him have a word. He wound up coming out to our house a few days later, unannounced, when just husband & older son were home. From what I'm told, they both backed up every comment I made to him & his co-workers I had originally talked to. It's my assumption one of them are the one's that filed a complaint against me. Which is so f**king laughable, if they were concerned enough about the kid when I was there, why on earth did they allow me to leave with him when I was requesting they take him for a few days, ass backwards! So a few more days pass, meanwhile we've got Son in counseling, 2nd time, and this counselor has actually got him going to every class, every day, which has not happened in months. This f***king CPS dude goes to the school, with no authority that I know of, and pulls him out of class. Then I get a call from husband this guy has a couple more questions for me before he can close the case, call him and arrange a time to talk. So I call him, leave a message telling him when I'd be home and when is the best time to call. An hour and half after the times I gave him, I left a message telling him how rude it was leaving me waiting, he's the one that wanted to talk, I have interrupted my day & put it on hold to make sure I was available to answer his questions, would you please call so we can conclude this business. He wound up calling back within 20 minutes and after the not so nice pleasantries "Hello, Ms. ^^^^, how are you?" "I am p*ss*d, irritated and resentful, how bout you" Well, the first of these all important questions was "Is there any Indian affiliation in your household?" "Excuse me, what the hell does that have to do with emotional abuse?" "Nothing, it is just a question we are required, BY LAW, to ask." "No, I don't believe it is. Perhaps in future you should preface that question that it is POLICY to inquire, but you are under no obligation to answer, because, I have worked in the public sector and do know law. Now, what is your next question? At which point dude seemed to be at a loss for words. But he did get around to asking about Son's "father", phone number, address, place of work, etc. "Oh, you mean the guy who never supported his kid, disappeared for over 8 years, that I tracked down by illegal means, allowed my kid to live with for 6 months, and the kid was so horrible up there that the "father" will not allow him to come back, will not pick up the phone when Son calls, will not return calls and doesn't work, that "father" well here you go, here's his info, blah, blah, blah. I wound up pulling the religion card on him and explained that, despite what the norm is here, I was not raised in the faith. I was raised by 2 hippies in California. I am a woman who can and will show emotion when I speak, I will speak above a whisper and I tell the truth. In no way, shape or form does this constitute emotional abuse. I believe the complaint was based on how I spoke and less on what I said. I expect this investigation to be concluded, with no findings, and I expect a letter stating that fact within a week. I will not hesitate to file a complaint against you and your office with my attorney, Mr. whatever. Mr. whatever hates dude, I could pratically hear dude's a-hole pucker & suck up his chair when I mentioned the attorney's name. I did get my letter. Since that time, Son has run away countless times. He has gotten 5 tobacco citations and a truancy citation, those all within a months time. These he had to go to court for, but they are not considered judicial citations, so no need to see a judge, here's the fine. I think the total was close to $400. In the meantime, Son is still acting up at school, still smoking, still disappearing for hours at a time, we are getting calls from school on a weekly basis, just a nightmare. So I wound up requesting, again, for him to be transferred to the alternative school, where I was hoping for a little more one on one attention. This state absolutely refuses to admit a child may need to be held back a grade. When we first moved here Son had difficulty adjusting and it showed in his grades. I requested, being the first year here, that he be held back in elementary & not advanced to Jr. High, allowing him more time to adjust. You just don't have a 10 year old kid making top grade and a year later barely passing his courses. We were told they don't do that at this age, you have to wait until 9th grade for retention. Well the next year, he is doing worse, I again asked and was denied to have him held back. Well after 2 years of seeing there are no consequences for not doing the work, lets see what happens if I don't go to a class, then to skipping a whole day, to where we were in Jan where he was missing days at a time, again with little to no consequences. This is mixed in with calls from the school about him acting up in class, stealing from the teacher's desk, accusing a teacher of kicking him. This poor woman has been a teacher forEVER, ready to retire after this year, and all of sudden there's rumors going around she kicked my kid. She called the house, in tears & spoke with husband, explaining she accidently kicked his chair when she walked past. After confronting him, Son admitted this is what happened. I have spent hours corresponding with teachers/counselors/faculty trying to help with his poor grades. I've got hundreds of emails back and forth where I've been told they would do this, that or the other, and very few of them actually followed through on what they said they would do. husband has spent hours & hours & hours at the school, collecting work, talking to teachers, etc, again with very little follow through. I have had to go to the Board of Education twice, and again pulled the religion card. I hate when the men around here accuse me of yelling because I have attitude in my voice. I will usually start yelling at that point and ask them if they really want to go there. The condesending attitude is maddening. Then we get a call from school saying Son had purposely burned a girl with some kind of word working iron and was being suspended indefinately. You have to jump through all these hopes before he can even be considered allowed back to school. It's my understanding, from the different stories I've heard, while the tools were heating up, all the kids were touching them to each other forearms. Jason wound up getting this girl on both arms and caused burns bad enough to go to the doctor. The Vice Principal admitted he didn't think Jason did this with malice, more along the lines of flirting. We wound up having to take him in for a psychological review, chemical tests (based on the psychiatric evaluation) a school policy review (that woman scared husband), a meeting with the fire chief. Did not have to do the court of peers thing because this is when he wound up transferring up to ID. The move to ID was inspired because Son ran away on New Years Eve (this would be the 2nd time, the first was after I had the nerve to get mad at him for shooting fireballs in his room with a can of WD-40 and a lighter, not the first time fire has been an issue. I about had a heart attack when I found a whole bunch of illegal fireworks next to the furnace and water heater). Not sure of the reason he ran this time, except he wanted to hang with his friends and knew he would be denied if he asked, guess it's easier to ask forgiveness then permission. When we found him, we took him to the police station, who in turn cuffed him (that's a proud mom moment I'll never forget) put him in the back of the car & took him to a cooling off place for kids that need a break from home. Had to go pick him up a couple hours later and while talking with the counselor person, it was decided Son would go live with Bio, I'd already talked to Bio about it, and was mighty impressed that he agreed to man up and help out, considering he & Son had just meet on Halloween! So less then 2 weeks later I dropped him off up there. After he got out of school for Summer break, I went to get him for what was supposed to be a few weeks, back to Bio's 4th of July. But once Son was here, Bio wouldn't answer the phone to him or return his calls. I finally got Bio to talk to me and he explained that he couldn't/wouldn't live like a junky. He'd finally gotten himself out of that kind of lifestyle and refused to have to live that way again, always watching your money, cigs, pot, booze, lighters, all things Son helped himself to while living there. Sometimes I trully wish I could be that irresponsible to just say, "I don't like it, I won't do it", but noooooo, Miss Goody Two Shoes is willing to do whatever I can to help this kid despite himself. So in April, because of his continually running, Son was finally sent to the judge and placed on probation. He was under house arrest, had stipulations about school, enrolled in smoking cessation classes, go to family counseling, at first this was to be in home & the only place that offers it is DCFS, so requested the judge to change that, really was not in the mood to invite these people into my home again. Drug counseling was ordered after he ran again and when he was picked up was found with a baggie with pot residue. During this entire nightmare we are continually told to stress the positive whenever he does something good. Should have seen the face of the police officer when I praised Son for not littering by throwing the practically empty baggie on the ground. He wound up getting locked up for a few days in detention for the contempt of court (run away while on house arrest). So we did this dance a couple more times until this June when the judge finally ordered him in for 30 days. I requested and got him credit for 7 days time served and he was given 6 more days for good behavior. He came home on Friday, within the hour he tried breaking into our bedroom (oh, yeah didn't mention we live in a prison, locks on bedroom, office and pantry, and have a safe in our room), that afternoon, husband left our bedroom unguarded for 2 minutes while he went in the garage to get a tool, Son went in stole a pack of smokes, got into our safe (left open) and stole back the paraphenelia the police refused, 3 times, to remove from our house. Then when I got home, he kissed me hello, waited for me to go in the house then left without a word and was gone for almost 2 hours, again while on house arrest. While he was in detention, husband &/or I went and visited him EVERY day, EVERY day he said he was done, was ready to do it the right way, blah, blah, ****. The next day, Sat, I told him all this stuff was going to be reported to his PO, as was required by court order, so he ran. husband & I went looking for him and he ran from us 3 different times, the last time with the parting shot to husband "F**k you, I ain't gonna be locked up again." He was picked up Sun for shop lifting, a red bull, can you believe it. He was sent to O&A (observation & assessment) for the 45 day treatment program. At the exit interview for the program, it was determined Son is depressed and should be medicated, at which point I made it VERY clear this is not an option I was willing to consider at this time. Oct. 2010 - Son had been home since the beginning of Sept (this is the longest he's been home all year) when I got a call from school, he was caught with a couple other kids smoking pot off campus during lunch and was going to be suspended. It was determined that Son was just hanging with the kids and wasn't smoking. The VP believes this and did not suspend him, but I was given a copy of his transcripts, he has 15 unexcused absences and is failing 4 classes, has a D in one, a C and one A. We were to meet with the PO on Friday, Son to be locked up for the weekend. So between Mon & the meeting of Fri with the PO, we are to attend so called family counseling, where we get to play "fun" games and eat unhealthy food. After the "fun" game there was a discussion on the way people argue & the tactics used to stop any meaning full conversation. I asked one of the counselors, repeatedly how we, the parents, are suppossed to stop being angry when the behavior doesn't change. The counselor refused to believe Son has done NOTHING to improve the situation. I wound up becoming extremely angry and walking out of the meeting. So move forward to Fri & meeting with PO. PO is giving Son "Affirmations" for not having a positive drug test for awhile, while not addressing the fact that Son is smoking spice instead (doesn't show up in drug tests) & in now drinking. Became angry & called PO on his idiocy. Meanwhile Son states he doesn't know what She (me) wants from him and I responded by, yes, yelling GO TO SCHOOL, GO TO CLASS, DO THE WORK, TURN IT IN. The usual mantra of the last few years. Enter the deputy to take Son to detention. In less the 10 seconds I was threatened with citation, arrest & tazering & asked to, at first, leave the room & then the building, which I did with no arguments. Mon, go to court for detention hearing, Thur, go to court for disposition. Provided a copy of the PO's recommendation (was not given opportunity to read while in court), which is full of lies about me, to the point the judge was angry with me before walking in the room, the hearing became more about me & my anger then Son (who was removed from the room while judge disciplined me on my attitude). I was reprimanded for the re-fi we did on our home to be enable us to pay child support ($498 mo) to the state if Son is removed from our custody, which we have been threatened with several times over the last year, and for which I already had to pay for the time spent in O&A. Judge orders Son to remain in detention for a week. So since return home, 1st week of Nov., Son is on best behavior, going to school every day, no daily calls from the school, helpful around the house, clean drug tests (Though still smoking cigs, gotta pick your battles), better attitude, GREAT. Until 2 weeks ago, son has a dirty drug test, got suspended from school for attitude issues & disrespect to teachers. The following Mon (last week) son disappears again, and have not seen him now for 10 days. He is posting on his FB page selling pot. We are at a loss as to what to do now. He has absolutely NO school credit for the last 2 years, I have been "let go" from my job because of this issue. When Son is picked up we are ordered to take him to detention immediately. I am afraid Son will be taken from us & placed in state custody, I do not know if a modification of the support order can be made due to the fact that I am not working. It is a real possiblity that on top of losing Son and my job, we will lose our home. As stated Son has been in couseling, only depression has been diagnosed. I have looked into finding a physcologist to see if we can get him diagnosed with something else, but can not get him home long enough to get him to one. Please any suggestions or recommendations would be greatly appreciated.