Not looking good so far.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    My difficult child son (age 25) was released from jail yesterday, after 7 months. He was supposed to go to a halfway house and was ordered to be on work release, whereby he would be looking for work/working , then return to jail at night and weekends.

    Instead, they opened his cell and told him that the statutes have changed-he didn't have to do work release, as the time served counted for that. They just let him go! His ex girlfriend's mother is looking after him for now, but he is pretty much homeless. He has to report every day to be breathalized and/or drug tested, but otherwise he is on his own. He is hoping to talk his dad into letting him stay (because of the mandated testing) but I don't know if that will happen.

    I feel blindsided by this-the walls are closing in. He is scared and desperate and I just don't see this having a happy ending...

    Any words of encouragement?
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    BG---warm hugs for you. I understand. My difficult child was let go from jail last Wednesday night---last thing I thought would happen. I was completely blindsided and pretty much crumbled and cried for the next 18 hours.

    He is homeless as I would not let him come here. This is his fifth time to be homeless in the last four years.

    He will be 25 on July 27.

    I gave him a little money for his RX for depression and a letter I had written and then said, let's not talk until next Thursday (tomorrow).

    I needed some space from it all to recollect myself. I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting every day since last Thursday.

    Here is what I would suggest: feel your feelings. Cry, take a nap, lie down, take a walk, write it all down, scrub the kitchen floor---do whatever you have to do for the next little bit.

    Try (I know it's so very hard, almost impossible) not to rescue him and take care of all of this for him right now. Give it a little time and space if you can.

    If you just can't, that is okay too.

    This is a transition, and a possible turning point for you and for him. Maybe, just maybe---both of our difficult children will do something different this time. Just one thing different would create a ripple effect of differences.

    Private message me any time if you want to talk more. I am here for you. I so understand. Please try to get to an AlAnon meeting---and go to six until you decide if they are right for you or not.

    Warm hugs. Hang in there. Keep posting.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is NOT your battle, this is not your responsibility. It is his. Refrain from doing anything and get yourself as much SUPPORT as you can. Your son has choices and only he can make them. If he makes a bad choice he will return to jail. That will be the outcome, you have no control over that, you are powerless.

    When we are hit with a sucker punch like this, usually we go into a scary, stuck, dark place where we don't know what to do. We allow our feelings of helplessness, fear and sadness to take over and then we are immobilized. Don't go there. If you are already there, find a support group immediately, a 12 step group, someplace you can go to get a reality check so you can get back to reality. Reality is this: this is your son's life, it is up to him to make a good choice or not. There is nothing you can do but respond differently and take care of yourself.

    There is a huge emphasis on taking care of YOU here, that is the key. Find support. Take some action for YOU, like go for a walk, talk to a friend, get a massage, take some action which will take your brain away from this place it is in now.

    I know where you are now, most of us here do, it is a really awful place, but you have the power to change your perception, thereby your experience. Find a way to nurture and nourish yourself. YOU are the priority now. Your son is in his world. Stay in yours.

    Sending hugs. And prayers for you and for your son.
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  4. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thank you, ladies. I feel like I am in that dark place. It just never ends. I hope he has learned but I feel that even when he tries, he gets smacked down.

    I'm SO tired of worrying. At least in jail I knew he was relatively safe.

    I'm in a pretty self pitying mode right now. I have to admit that I drank a lot of wine last night after he called. Does nothing for the coping skills or inner resources.

    Am going to dinner with friends later and once again I have to sit with this knowledge and tell my stinking story.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    BG, another thought. Instead of fighting what you are feeling RIGHT NOW, lean in. Lean into the feelings.

    Just feel them. They will not kill you.

    Leaning in means you will move through them and get to the other side. It's like rowing a boat to the other side of the lake.

    Get in, row, just keep rowing, and you will see the shore ahead. It's there. Keep rowing.

    We'll help you row. Bring us with you.
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  6. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thank you so much!
    Bawling like a baby as I type this...
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    blackgnat, I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.


  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    The only wisdom I have to share is get support services for yourself... be it therapy, support group etc. Alcohol is a depressant it will depress you more and won't help you to think clearly when forced with those tough decisions in life.

    Sending hugs and positive energy to you
  9. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Just heard from him, on his new phone, BOUGHT FOR HIM BY THE EXGF's MOTHER...

    He discovered that he has $1,000 on his card (the State of Colorado provided him with a disability allowance of some sort, which accumulated funds while he was in jail) and so he can afford a week or more in a fleabag motel. He says he feels better about the situation. As one would.

    I told him to make good choices. He said the exgfs mom is keeping the card for him so he isn't tempted to buy anything illegal or legal but deadly (booze) with it. I asked him if he had been tempted to do so and he said "Oh, YEAH". Hmmm.

    I wonder how long it will be before I get the jail call?

    Do you see how far from healed I am? He's okay, so now *I* am, too. I'm even showing my cynicism.

    What would your take be on the exgfs mom? I talked to her last night. She is obviously very kind-she said that God is telling her to help him and that there is something about him which draws him to her. Not sure what to think-except if she has control of his money, he's still not learning responsibility.

    What do you think? Just girding my loins for the next round.
  10. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Definitely wise to not drink this pain away! Thanks for the kind thoughts.
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I would say you are right to gird your loins. It wont be long before this god fearing woman gets the same treatment you have gotten. It wont be long before she realizes she can't fix difficult child.
  12. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    You just described me. I havent head from my difficult child for a while and I am very uptight and anxious. Having terrible thoughts about something bad having happened to him. My therapist always tells me that I cant base my emotions/life/attitude etc on how my son is doing. But I still do. Sometimes more than others. But when I hear from him and I know he's ok, I feel like I can breath again.

    I am sorry you are going through this. I am thinking of you.

  13. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    exgf's mother seems to have well intentions and keeping that money out of his hands will increase his chances of staying out of jail. I'm praying he can find employment and be determined never to be locked up again.

    It sometimes works that way, I didn't straighten up all together but sitting in county jail for 5 days when I was 17yo made me determined to never end up there again. and I haven't so far...

    sending hugs and positive energy your way
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I believe you have to let your son go and see what happens as well. As you just found out, he is good at talking strangers (or people who are not THAT close to him) into doing things for him. Most of our difficult children are very good at getting sympathy, especially from those who never lived through this, can't imagine it, a nd think that all they need it (fill in your own blank) love, God, understanding, a helping if we haven't done all we can. ''

    My son once got his friend's mother to feel sorry for him. He had chosen to leave the house and was warned that if he did he couldn't come back so he was homeless at the time. This mom called me up to yell at me and ask me what kind of person I was to let me son be homeless. I never did hear the reasons, but three weeks later he was homeless again. She had thrown him out.

    Most people don't know how good our adult kids are at eliciting sympathy and pretending that their own families don't care about them. But if they step up to help, they soon learn the truth. Expect this ex girlfriend's mom to do the same unless she has fallen in love with him and is sleeping with him. Weirder stuff has happened with our difficult children.
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Blackgnat, I remember your pain, guilt, and confusion when you brought your son to Colorado. I am so very sorry things have not worked out well for him there.

    Do you have a plan for what will you do if he asks to come home?

  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    exgf's mom seems to have good intentions. Whatever her intentions are, that is between she and your son. You're caught in his drama and being ripped back and forth by the winds of his insane life, you've got to get off that wheel and get back on stable ground. If you can get yourself to a 12 step group or somewhere where you will feel seen and heard, where you can get understanding and empathy, you can take a deep breath and remember that you're in your own skin, in your own life, and let go of his life so you can get back on level ground once again.

    For me, the only way I was able to get off of the death grip that codependency or enabling has was to seek out as much support as I could.

    I'm sorry BG, this is such hard stuff to go through. Please find some kind of supportive atmosphere so you can lean on them as you go through this. I hope the crying helped. It helps me, it's a big release and often allows us to breathe deeply once again and allow new thoughts to enter our heads. HUGS.
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  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Blackgnat, I don't have anything to add to what I think is excellent advice. He is 25 and has resources available to him. I think the most important thing is to not be pulled this way and that by his choices and the consequences of them. You have no control over them and you will be exhausted and miserable if you try.
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sending a bunch of HUGS
  19. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I know. That feeling very well. Every time my son is released from jail or psychiatric facility I get very nervous cuz I don't know what happen. Will he beat on our door in the middle of the night., will he ask to come in or will he ask to at least sleep in the backyard or the driveway. I never know. We are prisoners in our own house. Sometimes we have to close all the blinds, turn lights off and not answer the door or phone. One night the doorbell rang very late. We did not hear it. Finally I awoke to my phone ringing. It was the police wanting to know why I was not answering the door. They wanted to come in and we're looking for him. At the time, we had two identical cars and they checked the garage thinking my car was here, it was horrible.

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  20. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I feel your pain. If my difficult child's exgf's mom had helped him out likewise, I probably would have been relieved. Screwy thinking, i know.

    When our difficult child was about 17, his best friend's parents took him in. The mom told me that one of her daughters had told her some things (relayed to her by our difficult child) that made her think difficult child was not best off in our home. Very, very judgmental without giving specifics--based on difficult child's accounts! We worked for the same school district. But, i said very little to "defend" ourselves, because I knew she wouldn't get it. My respect for her went way down and has never come back.

    Within three weeks, they had kicked him out for lying to them. She never came to me to say anything along the lines of "Oh.....nowww, i get it. So sorry i judged you."

    And difficult child moved back in. I remember saying to him on the phone, Not until we have a talk about rules. When he walked in that evening, his comment? This house stinks. Wish we had never let him back in that evening, but he was 17...

    It never got better until he moved out. Now, he can never come back. It is a sad scenario, but our lives got better.