now i'm loosing it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 25, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    this isnt good i'm supposed to be ok for her and now it seems i'm loosing it yet agian and while at work. i'm afraid to take xanax here. don't know how it's going Occupational Therapist (OT) make me feel been a hwile. i've had bad day obviously. hard time iwth her this morning, i climb all the way up to office im afraid to take elevators now i got stuck last week and almost had panic attack till they got us out. i get weird on train now knowi g i'll be so far from her. my days have turned into a literal struggle and this shouldnt' be. i should have more control right now. i went to bank they gave me problem when i tell you the tightening in my chest scared the hell out of me.

    i'm sitting quietly at my desk completely drained and exhausteed wanting to just get my bag nad leave becaue i just cnat pull it together.

    people go thru far worse than i and are so strong. why is it i can't keep it together. what am i suposed to do now?

  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Do you only have the Xanax that you're taking prn? You might benefit from something to take on a daily basis until things stabilize for a while. I have huge anxiety issues (family tendencies) and although I started out on one SSRI, ended up needed a tri-cyclic and recently had to bump it even higher because of all the crap going on around here. This is the best I've felt in YEARS and I know it's because of my medications. Call your doctor and ask what can be done for you so every day isn't such a struggle -- it doesn't have to be so hard.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i have it but afraid to takeit here. granted not as bad as other day but cna't focus on work now. i cna't be like this she needs me normal. i've doubled up on therapist, got the xanax sleep as much as i can eat well, read things at home have been quiet except for the kids stuff, my littel one. what more can i do to stabilize myself. everything sets me off now things that i used Occupational Therapist (OT) hanlde with no problem are creating huge issues for me. i hate that muy little one goes thru any level of this it must be horrifying for her
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i've never had this before it started with her, sure i'd get pressurized like other people do but not this. this is overwhelming comes out of no where type of stuff and stops you dead in your tracks. i'm sitting at desk doing breathing. i'm beginning to think maybe i should admit myself for not being able to handle all of this. maybe i just need a break sometime to not worry or help her cope. she's supposed to go to dads this weekend yet older one's staying home which is a handful of just driving and picking up back and forth all weekend. my cup runneth empty.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Paxil is something that's supposed to be really helpful for panic/anxiety issues. So is Lexapro. But you have to take it for a few weeks before you'll see results -- the good thing is that it doesn't make you spacey or drugged like a tranquilizer would. If anything, your emotions become more focused and not so out-of-control. It won't affect your productivity -- if anything it should help you stay more focused and in the moment instead of worrying about all the what-if's in your life.

    Sometimes we get to a place in life where there are simply too many stressors for our coping systems to manage. For anyone on this board dealing with the issues that come with having a difficult child, it's very understandable for this to happen. Don't get sucked into feeling guilty that you "can't handle it" any more! We are only human. It's okay to ask for help, and sometimes going on medications while things are tough is an acceptable way to get us through to the other side where stabilty is hopefully waiting!

    Hang in there!
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    what medication are you on? if you dont mind me asking. i'm open to anything right now. i seem to be calming down bit now did quiet breathing at desk. i've nevre been like this i really haven't. i've been handling her sleep issues, anger, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) stuff for years with no medication's and doing a pretty ok job of it. when the hallucinations happened i knew i had to go further with it for her sake. yet it seems like as of late i'm not controlling me very well and that scares me becaue the way i see it i have to be good all the time.

  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I started out on Celexa, but it just didn't do enough for me. Our psychiatrist switched me to desipramine (generic for Norpramin). It's a tricyclic antidepressant. My anxiety had me going into depression a number of times, even as recently as this past fall. I have had a rare moment or two of "seeing" things in other objects (I was seeing skulls in the clouds and in patterns on the ground -- weird stuff), and in desperate moments was thinking of some pretty drastic stuff. Adjusting my dosage really nipped all that in the bud. Considering all the chaos going on right now, I feel pretty good (my friends are just shaking their heads at all the issues in my family right now).

    Anyway -- I'm not someone who thinks that popping a pill will solve everyone's problems, but I do know that there are times when it's appropriate to get medical support for stressful situations when you are being taxed beyond your limits. What's worked for me, may not be the best choice for you, so the best thing is to talk to your doctor in earnest about what you're feeling and all the stuff on your plate so the two of you can come up with the best plan for your situation. I also see a therapist about twice a month, and I come here a lot, sometimes just to read and know that others are out there who can relate to my life. You gotta take care of yourself first or you won't be in any shape to help anyone else!

  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks for talking to me it has helped bring me down somewhat i also took walk and smoked cig. up on roof. i hate being this way, i really do. i feel so disappointed in me when i feel this way. im' going to call my dr. tmrw. xanax is a quick hit i think i need something more powerful. i didn't realize till i was walkign stairwell up to 7th floor that i need some everyday assistance that i'm actually avoiding an elevator. i have to try and get here as much as i can to spend the money on her evaluation. i'm sorry you went thru that it's so scarey right when you really think your loosing it. i go to a therapist weekly now, come in here. yet i think i've posted and vented too much lately on here. it's just where i run to now when i can't go anywhere else. i have my days where i dont' read others posts because i know i wont' be able to give any type of good support.

    crazy people at office are wondering what's up wtih me some are saying quit your job and stay home with her. i'm afraid to quit my job my boyfriend and i are no where near on solid ground he's got tons of issues he has to work on finally said he'd come to counseling to keep our home stable and calm right now, which is good because i was looking to fly a few days ago. yet i don't have the energy to fly anywhere. i cna't even take the lirr without meling down.

    thanks so so so much to you i mean it i really appreciate it. i was sitting here grapsing at straws and getting very scared. i went blurry today for twenty min. when it hit too
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jennifer -

    Go back and read your first few posts on this thread and then read your later posts. It's obvious something is going on. Whatever it is, you need more help with it than you have right now. Whether that be medications, intensive therapy or both.

    I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I'm in a really good place now, but it took me years and years to get here. When easy child was 10 and was suffering from severe depression, I spiraled into a dark, scary depression myself. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for 5 days diagnosis'd with borderline psychotic depression. I was doing the paranoia thing in a big way. My anxiety was sky high and the depression was oppressive.

    We cannot take care of our children until we take care of ourselves. It took me a long time to buy into that because my kids always came first. Even when my therapist was telling me that I couldn't see it - I just saw that my kid needed help and so I ignored myself. The toll is hefty. Not only on our children, but on ourselves.

    Please, take care of you. And don't ever apologize for posting or venting. That's why we're here. I'm glad you feel safe enough to post here about everything going on.

  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i went to see my gp yesterday she said i'm not clinically depressed and this type of anixety after dealing with rin for so many years is normal. i also asked my therapist she said no, just really bad anxiety.

    am i missing something, are we missing something? im open to hearing it all truly i am. i have great days like yesterday when she does well, yet this morning her clinging to couch and crying and seeing her little face, then missing 3 early trains, walking into office late yet again, bank issues, just life.

    pls at this point i want to be filled in. today i got another of last years medical bills sent right here to my office where i work, nice right? unbelievable.

    thanks for listening and don't worry pls. say what you feel
  11. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! As you know no one can diagnose on here. But if you were asking about one of the kids, one of the common threads that would be coming your way would be "trust your instincts".

    Were I in your shoes, I'd write down all of the things that I consider either "extreme" or "issues of concern" (crying jags, sleeplessness, etc) and put a value of # of hours that you're spending like that. Then I'd think about the happier feelings and figure out the hours spent like that.

    If one value is significantly higher than the other in a negative sense, I'd go to a psychiatrist. Sometimes professionals (therapists, gp's, etc.) are so used to their patients, and so used to you being able to bounce back like the Bumble on Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, they don't notice that you're at a breaking point.

    As a temporary measure, I'd also make a list of the stressors in my life and put them in order of importance. Don't sweat the bills, if you send them a couple of bucks a month (and I mean a couple of bucks a month - medical that is!) they'll leave you alone.

    Look at the suggestions that the gang put on your other post about how to handle your babe in the morning and consider some of those solutions.

    Brutally: if you don't take care of YOU, you're going to be unable to help her. If I were you, I'd research the medications you're on thoroughly and take them as directed. If you're taking them all "willy-nilly" they're not likely to help!

    Keep the faith and let us know how you're feeling! We care!

  12. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jennifer, whether it's severe anxiety or clinical depression, it's treated the same way -- with antidepressants (either SSRIs like Prozac or Lexapro or tricyclics like Amitriptyline or Notriptyline). I agree with Beth -- if you can't take care of yourself, you can't help your daughter. It sounds as if you need to seek out a psychiatrist who can accurately diagnosis what's going on with you and recommend appropriate treatment to make a difference. Good luck and hugs.
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow that's scarey. ok thanks :) i mean that. i'll call tmrw and get appointment. i thought my pyschologist was enough. ??? so i've basically made myself sick with worrying for her. amazing. i sit and do breathing with her and work with her and mommy didn't practice the same stuff.

    i'm going to take sometime tongiht and go through those other posts when i have quiet time. i'm always posting and half reading because sometimes i dont' get a minute. i'm sure you know how that is.

    thanks again i appreciate it.

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I sat here quietly tonight alone in the apartment after my little one had left (hysterical crying and saying i don't want to go with-dad), she used to love going to dad's every other weekend. Lately she doens't wnat to leave me at all, ever.

    anyway like i was saying i reread my posts as you had suggested and sat down quietly adn thought, no "lightbulb" moments......LOL.....i'm sorry to say but I see what you are saying. I handled her upsetment tonight well I just told her that i loved her, that leaving me is always hard but i'm only a phone call away and she will enjoy her time with her dad once she calms down. He doens't know how to do the breathing with her he doesn't take the time unfortunatley. Yet it seems that her anxiety has lifted somewhat this week, could it be due to fact i lowered the dosage of abilify? they say side effect is anxiety. there has been marked difference.

    I've had some extreme thoughts too as of late the past week or so actually at different points besides the anxiety. don't want to go into detail, and know i'd never actually do anything but it's a strange feeling i haven't felt before almost like something's pulling me. i know strange.

    i'm going to call my therapist tmrw she said she knows a good pysch and start going to him. she is really there to hear me vent she doens't really offer anything othre than that.

    at least i have a quiet house right now. my big one's at movies with friends. i have no plans this weekend. part of me just wants to lay on couch with remote and watch movies then i tell myself thats unhealthy and not to do it. is it unhealthy to shut off world for a while?

    thanks so much not sure i would of come to this conclusion otherwise. i problem would of just shut it down like i usually do

  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What is healthy is taking care of you.

    If that means vege out on the couch and watch Lifetime or the Comedy Channel, do it. Take a bubble bath. Call an old friend. Color your hair. Color a coloring book! Do something to relax and to take care of you. You took healthy steps to really take care of yourself by seeing a new doctor. The short term is to comfort yourself, and you not only CAN do it, you SHOULD do it. You are ENTITLED.
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member


    then whats up with the guilt i feel? ok clearly that's for the pysch guy.......:)

    its like i have to make myself and tell myself it's ok i don't know how to stop


    actually i looked up signs of clinical depression i fit the bill exactly. i was a yes to all the symptoms. i always thought depression was like those commercials the woman dragging themselves thru hallways kinda thing. i have very functional moments but yet nothings the same anymore i can feel it. it's all different. my view of my life is different. i used to be this bubbly funny person before all this started and the cup was always half full. now it's not. i think watching my kids loose their home, their pets, watchign them cry because i spent all the money on the doctor's of which did not give us hte proper diagnosis changed my view of alot of things. made me question my faith temporarily as well.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok im going to go for broke here but when i head to roof to smoke a cig when i get overloaded at office i feel some sort of weird internal pull. (if you know what i mean) i don't want to do anything insane at all ever. i'Tourette's Syndrome almost not even in my control. so starting next week i'm steering clear of the roof. to be honest it scared me very badly. was like i was being pulled by something. off to the pysch i go.......(me skipping......LOL)

    things is if you guys hadn't been so blunt i probably would of just written this off againa nd said oh well i need a night out with girls, etc. thing is i don't look forward to anything anymore except figuring out what's wrong with my daughter.

    thanks so so much
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to send some hugs your way.
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thank you, hugs are always a good thing.

    i tried sitting down with my boyfriend tonight he asked me how i was feeling if i had to use the xanax today, we text thru day so he knew where i was at midpoint thru day.

    i told him everything i was afraid to but i did. he said ok you need to go see a doctor, not your therapist she isn't doing anything for you, a pysch. i agreed. see tha'Tourette's Syndrome the thing i'm not dysfunctional tha'Tourette's Syndrome how i viewed depression to be. so we sat there talking about stuff for a while i made us tea.

    the next thing iknow he opens up fridge to get out milk and says come here you gotta see this. i walk over and there's like 3 gallons of opened milk in fridge. totally ridiculous. so he was sort of joking but i got mad. he was like ok what doens't belong in there?? LOL........i looked at him and said ok tha'Tourette's Syndrome a little funny. then few min. pass we were discussing some of the issues we've been having here his favorite words idiot adn jerk and i told him that i do nto feel he should be calling kids that at any time. he said well i don't call them that i say your acting like a .......... i said it doens't matter its ridiculous to speak to them taht way. i right away drew line down middle and said don't speak to my kids that way.

    i'm very touchy lately about alot of stuff i'm finding. then few minutes passed and he makes comment about the pizza box on table. he had brought home pizza night befoe so i could give it to kids tonihgt. so what is what i'm thinkin i just sat here telling you i think i'm depressed i could care less about hte stupid pizza box. and there it went on and on both of us arguing. him saying t's always about you i only said that i'd take the pizza box out in the morning otherwise it'l be there when iget home. so now i'm upset while he's snoring upstairs.

    he also said why do my feelings not matter? why is it always well don't worry about it or nows not the right time. so i said to him i'm sitting here telling you all this stuff and your talking about milk cartons and pizza boxes. his response was well i have feelings also and i only madea comment why couldn't you let it go.

    so i said i dont care how you feel about the pizza box i think your insane and walked outside to smoke. this is wht we do when we argue. some have said its' verbally abusive what he does to me or with me. yet where do you draw the line if two people are engaged in an argument? i was verbally abused towards end of my marriage he would call me names, rip me apart say horrible things. taht isn't what this is so what would make it that?? he did name call a few times in past though when he gets really upset.

  20. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I would go talk to someone. I found when I was struggling with my issues and was not medicated. Things were so much heavier and intense than they needed to be. I could not let go of the little things, I could not stop to breathe at times, I could not see through all of the BS and garbage. husband and I were fighting over such stupid things. I could not let go of something he said earlier... I was so worried about getting K help, I could not help myself.
    Now that I am on the right, and continuing to tweak my medications, things are easier. I can see the reality. I can breathe even when things are so intense. WHen the whole world is telling me NO I can take a deep breath and say I can get through this, it will be ok.
    When K is at her worst, I can step back and deal with it for the most part in a calm manner... that is the difference, I don't feel like I am always going to fall apart.
    My Bipolar is not always getting in the way!!! Just a little!!!
    Please go and talk to someone... I went and talked to my doctor today... I am tweaking my medications starting tonight!
    I am thinking of you!