Now what?


New Member
This is new to me. I have been reading and reading...hopefully this is the right place to post.
Divorced mama of 3. Very abusive relationship. Kiddos saw and heard alot. Even after the divorce (with 2nd wife) Which is why we are where we're at. Their dad is incarcerated again. He sends them letters which I read. I find the content of these letters to be just more head games.
He is telling the kids he'll see them soon if mom let's them go visit (oldest is an adult). I did let them go visit when his family would go the 1st time he was in...only after the kids came to me and said they wanted to go see him..of course they missed dad, i know this.
I'm not letting them this time. He wrote me and said i shouldn't punish the kids because he messed up. the way i see it is he's the one who keeps punishing them. In and out of their lives for the last 5 years. always on their toes because they don't know what to expect. Kiddo #2 has said (before he was even locked up again)they won't go visit him if this happens again.
Kiddo #3 has asked when they can see dad again.
I want the emotional, psychological roller coaster to end for them. It rips me apart watching them go through the hurt.
There is alot more to our story. But this is kind of the jist of it. Am i wrong not letting them go visit? Correctional facilities is not where i want my kids. My mama bear is out and in full roar.

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Well-Known Member
It sounds like these are minior kids. If so, I'd move the post to General Parenting in order to get a bigger response.

Heck, every time you have to drag those kids to that dreadful jail and they have to see their dad as an inmate, that is stressful to them. There is no win here. It's up to your ex to make it a win, get straight, and stay out of jail. I am not sure I'd allow a child under 15 to visit an inmate, even the father. I'm think I'd save the letters for when they were older and more able to figure out the truth from the BS too.

My youngest daughter's birthfather, who was supposed to have an open adoption with her, was in jail when we adopted her for armed robbery (drug addict). He got out and was no sooner back in jail (DUI). She looked online for him and found him in prison!! She was in her teens. He had tatooed her name on his arm and that made her feel sad for him, but she read his crimes and did not want to visit him. He scared her. His family of origin could have been good positives in her life as the women, at least, were doing well and were loving, but they refused to see her if she didn't see him so, as to date, she has chosen not to see him. She is 19 a and going to college for Criminal Justice. She has never drank or smoked pot...she would tell me and, at her age, she knows I wouldn't chastise her and her friends say she is a very nice girl. She does want to be a cop or in Corrections. I wonder what her birthfather would think of that. She is very determined. Sleeping with the enemy? I wonder if his plight motivated her. She is in her second year of school for this.

Luckily her birthmother is clean, sober, level-headed and she at least has that of her DNA tree to hang onto. We did let her visit her birthfather at first, but it got too hard and upset her a lot and she had bonded to us closely and to her, even now, her father is my husband. They are very close.

You have many difficult choices to make, as did we. Her birthfather made promises he did not keep, such as throwoing a huge party for her at Chuck E Cheese when she turned two. My daughter was precocious and understood and kept asking about it, but it never happened. She gave up on him and even her birthmother who never visisted her either, although she is welcome into our family. I think her husband doesn't want her to see our daughter as they have made their own family...and she being half black is an outcast in a very active and close mostly white/hispanic family. So one day I think they will meet again, at least I hope so, but not sure she will ever want to meet her daughter. Birthmotoher is afraid of him. Partly why s he agreed to adoption. Partly she is mature and caring and loved her daughter and her own family did not accept any child who was partly black. Hispanic, yes. Black, NO!!!

I hope you can figure it out. Our daughter is absolutely magnificant as a person in spite of knowing her FOO (family of origin history). We don't lie to her or keep secrets so everything is out there.

Hugs and good luck. Try General Parenting.