OUT OF CONTROL 15 y.o. with- ODD

[timer lady]

tara,

It's a difficult situation. And you most likely have no say in what your brother decides about difficult child. There comes a point, if you can no longer safely parent a child - there needs to be an alternative.

Adopted children have a much higher incidence of mental health issues; that combined with abuse, neglect & attachment/adoption issues tries the truest & most loving parent.

husband & I had to place wm in a therapeutic group home run by foster parents. It's not right - but he wasn't safe in our home & totally unwilling to allow us to parent him. Never tolerated the intimacy or emotional demands here.

If your brother goes this route he can reframe this - as can you. We are "a family of different addresses". We've get along with the foster parents who run this home - do our best to treat them as family. In turn, foster parents are working with us.

I'm not saying to give up on this child - it's a matter of survival. difficult child choices are his choices.

Sending you very understanding (((hugs))) tonight.

 

[DDD]

While I want to offer every bit of support that I can, it really
seems apparent that you are seeking to save him from himself and
feel if he is not an active part of your family he will end up in
jail etc. Your nephew is more than likely going to end up in trouble and in jail even if you stay next to him 24/7. He has
every indication of attachment issues since before he was verbal,
he has manipulative behaviors, he more than likely has substance
abuse issues and he is doing what he wants to do and placing the
responsibility (or guilt trip) on the family. The chances are
probably 90% he is going to end up in trouble/jail even if he
continues to live with the family. He has chosen that path...and
perhaps he is incapable of choosing another.

Many of us are well educated, loving parents who have given our
all to our difficult children. Some have difficult children with serious mental health issues and some of us have difficult children who are substance abusers. None
of us can "cure" our teens. None of us. All we can do is make
sure that every route to help is explored and then set the basic
rules & enforce them consistently. If "loving family" protected
difficult children, I guarantee you that this CD website would be hanging on by
a thread....and probably wouldn't even exist.

As a school teacher you are professionally aware that you can't
take a student with an 80 IQ and expect them to function in an
AP class. Limitations exist in many ways. All you can do is
provide the best opportunities and then see what choices your nephew makes. Support your brothers choices. If he says that
his son must be inside the house be 10 or the doors are locked
for the night, don't open your door to the boy. difficult children most often
"play" the family members. Consistency is necessary. Letting him face the consequences (yes, even if it is incarcertaion) is
the only choice. Yes, I know. Nobody in our family had ever
gone to juvie detention or jail before our most loved easy child/difficult child. We
are not "jail" people. Our kid is. Your nephew probably will be
soon. It's rough but I don't believe you can change the course.
DDD

 

[peg2]

I have a similiar post going,"anyone familiar with boot/wilderness camps. I have 17 yr.old ODD,Impulse control. He was 12 when first placed, has had 2 placements, residential placement and lastly a group home. Just came home again last August. Something does have to "click" and it will(or not). The placements are like a respite for us, I couldn't contol my son, he disrupted the whole family, had to be placed for everyones safety. I had him placed both times because I had no open case with Youth&Fam. Services, he was just a behavior problem. Came home each time when he couldn't get anymore out of it, one time 16 months last time 14 months. My son isn;t that bad, jsut disruptive, cuts school, hangs out with friends until late. There is nothing one can do when they hit a certain age. My last resort is wilderness camp, but this will not "cure" him. I have no other option(maybe), but can we live through another year of this? Sometimes we need them to live elsewhere, but you can't dump the problem on another family member and besides, who says one always has choices of where to live. They have to learn life is not always fun!!! I believe, after years of going through this and working in the field myself, that nothing really works. It's something from within, I believe the light bulb comes on(and sometimes it doesn't). But we have done all we can. I haven't decided on a camp for mine yet, I will see what the summer brings.
Hope this helps. Hugs..................

 

[hearthope]

You have been given really good advice.

I just want to add one thing. My son was 14 and out of control. I turned to docs and then to the police for CHINS petition.

He ran away from Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He ran from the police.

I then felt like I was racing against time to get him placed in rehab for substance abuse before turning 18.

My son had us all fooled. He was abusing drugs and alcohol.

He wouldn't come home if he was high. He didn't care about the consequences of breaking curfew, he didn't want me to see what he was really doing.

I got him all the help I could before he reached 18.

He is now 18, living with difficult child friend and his mom, has courtdate june 7 on original charges of theft and not making his restitution payments.

He was only given one diagnosis in all the testing we did. It was adhd. that diagnosis was overturned by psch. hospital and it was ruled just sub. abuse

I love him and always will. I cannot will him to make better choices. He knows I love him. He knows he broke my heart. All of that is less important to him than the drugs he is currently abusing.

Your nephew is not looking at what he is doing to you and your brother. He is looking for his next high however he is getting it (drugs,stealing,living on the edge)

I almost allowed my son to destroy my family, read the detachment links