We are beyond frustrated and have no clue where to turn to next. Our 13 yr old granddaughter, whom we adopted when she was 6, has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Conduct disorder, attachment disorder, DMDD, and possibly borderline autistic traits and a few that I am sure I have forgotten about. She is defiant and hateful. Has destroyed others property including her own, threatened to kill me and her bio mom, has been physical with her bio grandmother and the police were called as the bio grandmother is disabled. Told her she wished she would die. She has no empathy for anyone. Has caused harm to animals, plays with fire (at her bio grandmothers) She has been to 3 Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and on mental health hospital. We have private insurance as we do not qualify for any state (texas) assistance. The insurance will deny her as not medically ness whent he facility states she does need to be there....My husband and I have came down to the point of wanting to turn her over to the state as we have no other options. She has and is inn therapy. Please help us!!!
Out of control and violent
- Thread starter cpardue
- Start date
How very sad and concerning .
What brought about this adoption?
Are either bio parents mentally ill? Was there possible drug use or alcohol during the pregnancy?
Right off the top…when she threatens to kill you, you should call the police. Period.
Make sure you keep your valuables locked up and consider a lock on your bedroom door.
If there is an opportunity for group therapy…I would explore this.
This sounds very very severe. Take good care of yourselves.
What brought about this adoption?
Are either bio parents mentally ill? Was there possible drug use or alcohol during the pregnancy?
Right off the top…when she threatens to kill you, you should call the police. Period.
Make sure you keep your valuables locked up and consider a lock on your bedroom door.
If there is an opportunity for group therapy…I would explore this.
This sounds very very severe. Take good care of yourselves.
Fire setting and animal cruelty are very concerning. Reactive Attachment Disorder is very troubling. The Macdonald Triad comes to mind. She is a huge liability if she’s setting fires. I think turning her over to state care would be justified at this point. You sent her to therapy, residential treatment, and mental health treatment time after time, which was warranted. She’s headed for violent criminal activity. It’s a long time until 18, so if she commits a violent crime or burns down a house, you could get sued. People could die. Surrendering her is best.
Please keep yourselves safe.
Please keep yourselves safe.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Several years ago I read in the newspapers about loving and devoted parents who surrender their parental rights so that their children can get the medical and mental health treatment that the children require but cannot get. The article was sympathetic and understanding.
When children are in the custody of the state there appear to be no limits to the care that they can access. When children are "in the system" they have their own attorney to ensure their constitutional rights and their needs are attended to. I know this because my son when I adopted him had an attorney who came to my house to meet me before my son came to my home.
What we learn here on this forum is there are times when our parenting does not fix our children. It is very difficult to face this. I am so, so sorry.
At 13 her acting out may only get worse. And there is a liability for you involved. Parents can be held liable for the property damage and other crimes our under-age children may commit. I would contact a family attorney to discuss your options.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
If you've used your real name as your member name I suggest you change it to something anonymous.
This really does not sound good. I also have heard of parents giving up their children to the state to get the help they need but haven't heard of any outcomes.
So I'll tell you what someone else I know did with his son. On safety, lock up anything she can use to harm herself or anyone else, including kitchen knives and any thing she can use to start a fire. If she gets physical, starts swinging her fists or throwing things around, there's this hold you can do where someone with the strength to do it would basically tackle her and hold her down until she quiets down. He said it worked for his son, but then he had the strength to do it. Not something I could do though.
What worked the most was this "wrap around" program they finally put the son in, mainly because he became a problem wherever he went, trouble at home, trouble with the school, trouble with neighbors and others in town, juvenal arrests and detention for running rampant also. It seemed he needed to get in enough trouble to qualify for this wrap around program. This boy went to an out of district school paid by the school system, had therapists coming to the house, I think paid for by the county and then finally ended up in a residential treatment center for a couple of years that was also a school, also paid for by the system.
What is going on with her with school, does she go? Does she have an IEP? Does she have issues there? Has she had arrests where maybe someone in the court system would be an advocate for her? She should have an IEP and some services, at least on paper, from the school. And maybe you could call your county offices to find out what could be possible for family help with this type of situation.
So I'll tell you what someone else I know did with his son. On safety, lock up anything she can use to harm herself or anyone else, including kitchen knives and any thing she can use to start a fire. If she gets physical, starts swinging her fists or throwing things around, there's this hold you can do where someone with the strength to do it would basically tackle her and hold her down until she quiets down. He said it worked for his son, but then he had the strength to do it. Not something I could do though.
What worked the most was this "wrap around" program they finally put the son in, mainly because he became a problem wherever he went, trouble at home, trouble with the school, trouble with neighbors and others in town, juvenal arrests and detention for running rampant also. It seemed he needed to get in enough trouble to qualify for this wrap around program. This boy went to an out of district school paid by the school system, had therapists coming to the house, I think paid for by the county and then finally ended up in a residential treatment center for a couple of years that was also a school, also paid for by the system.
What is going on with her with school, does she go? Does she have an IEP? Does she have issues there? Has she had arrests where maybe someone in the court system would be an advocate for her? She should have an IEP and some services, at least on paper, from the school. And maybe you could call your county offices to find out what could be possible for family help with this type of situation.
Have you heard of this program?
pfd.hhs.texas.gov
Most states have what is called a SED waiver. Severely Emotionally Disturbed waiver. It is a way to get Mecicaid assistance even if the child has insurance thru their family. In KS, my adopted grands qualified based on their mental health issues. The social workers helped me apply for it. They received medical cards, on top of our BCBS, which meant we had no co-pays. And they had treatment options that covered what our insurance did not cover.
Hope this might help. Ksm
Youth Empowerment Services Waiver Program (YES) | Provider Finance Department
OverviewThis is a Medicaid Waiver Program for children with severe emotional disturbances (SED) and their families.
pfd.hhs.texas.gov
Most states have what is called a SED waiver. Severely Emotionally Disturbed waiver. It is a way to get Mecicaid assistance even if the child has insurance thru their family. In KS, my adopted grands qualified based on their mental health issues. The social workers helped me apply for it. They received medical cards, on top of our BCBS, which meant we had no co-pays. And they had treatment options that covered what our insurance did not cover.
Hope this might help. Ksm
Thank you all for your advice. We have an appointment on Monday to get her assessed again through the local mental health authority so she can hopefully be placed in a state facility. She has a therapist and a psychologist. She has no empathy for anything besides herself. And she does not start fires, just plays with lighters and matches and melts things. This happens when she is with others. We have all those kind of things locked up and all potential weapons locked up as well. I know this could be a start to starting fires. We do have a lock on our bedroom door and sleep with it locked at night. We are doing everything we know to do to keep each other safe as we do have animals as well. Her behavior is way worse when she goes with someone else.
mindinggaps
Member
@cpardue Do you know what medications she is currently on. For an extreme situation like this, the only hope of getting control is figuring out the right cocktail of medications. It will likely take a mix of antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers and potentially stimulants to even begin to reign things in.
mindinggaps
Member
Good point - quality psychiatrist care is essential here. Hopefully she can get some help through the local mental health authority. I'd be shocked if she wasn't medicated already, but it may not be the right mix. Given the diagnosis set, it may be tricky to get the cocktail right and it will probably require regular monitoring and adjustments based on symptoms. But with ODD and DMDD, she can never be left unmedicated.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I want to tell you (again) how grateful I am you're here, MG. You give me hope. I admire you greatly.
mindinggaps
Member
Thank you @Copabanana! I haven't posted much on here as of late, but I do check in from time to time just to see if there are any topics which I may be able to provide some insight into. Perhaps I will post an update on how things have been with me, but overall life has been fairly positive and stable. As always, a few bumps in the road and I remain dependent on my cocktail which has required some adjustments. But things are still overall good.
