I thought I would start a new topic to you on your question about attachment in children adopted at birth.
Yes yes yes it can and does happen. Many of the good books on attachment that have been written speak about this, some more than others.
We started seeking therapy for our daughter at age seven, although we knew from when she was a toddler that we had problems. We also treated each symptom as it came up and we didn't have much luck. As she got older the problems became worse.
We finally took her to a center that deals exclusively with attachment and bonding, the founder is very well known and has written several books on the topic. While I am not advocating this type of therapy and I am not sure I truly believe it works, at least for many, it did teach me many things. The first thing was that during the time of our therapy there were nine other families that they were treating who had all adopted their children at birth. That fact just cannot be denied any longer.
Another thing that the therapy taught me was that my child blamed me for the fact that she was adopted. It made no matter that we had a wonderful home, loving family, she had every opportunity that she could want, that her life was good if she only took the time to stop and realize it. There was a hole in heart that even we couldn't fill.
While my difficult child hated the therapy, I credit it for turning the corner for her in being able to put her anger where it belonged and away from me. Finally someone said out lout that it was not our fault that she was adopted, that she never adopted us like we adopted her, that she was intent on not being part of the family, that she was holding out in hopes that her birthmother would come back, that she was afraid to show us love for fear of us going away, that we put up with her for 13(at the time) years and if we were going to give up we surely would have by now. That her birthmother cared more about drinking than caring for her.
These things were hard for her to hear, heck they were hard for us to hear for her. In the end I think she was finally able to put away some of her anger and accept us as her family. It was interesting that until then she did everything she could to differentiate herself from us, let everyone know she was adopted and we weren't her real family. After that she began talking as if she were part of us, even began using our family as her source when projects came us, e.g., making ethnic food for cultural day or a family tree.
I know she still wants to find her birthmother when she is 18 but I believe it is more now a curiosity and she had finally decided she can love all of us.
We stopped the therapy because she hated it so and it was hard for us to put her through and in all honesty I was skiddish and she was in her worst time. It took several months after stopping to realize the full impact it had on her.
Life did not turn completely around for the better. Two summers ago she began running away to hang with thugs, going to the skate park, trying to act like a
and everyone was starting to call her that. Then it extended into the school year with her getting detentions and suspensions and cutting school and drinking and experimenting with drugs.
We were at our breaking point and I honestly was beginning to think about alternative living arrangements. We began calling the police when she didn't come home or when she went into her wild rages. She had charges filed on her several times. We were lucky because the juvenile officers we dealt with were wonderful and they sized up the situation and wanted to help. We made appointments to have the juvenile detective talk to her, husband and I and even Grandpa went with her. They saw that we wanted help, not punishment.
The last straw came when she cut school and I found her at a boy's house with about fourteen other kids, drinking and using drugs. I called the police, had her charged, took her to a lab for testing and she went to juvenile court. She ended up having to spent the weekend in detention and finally it was the shock that she needed to make her realize what she was doing.
I know this doesn't work for everyone but it did for us. Very few people know what we went through in all those years trying to get help for her. She resisted our love for 15 years. This year she wrote an essay for English class in which she said after staying in detention she finally decided to change her life for the better. She is now getting decent grades, has not had any detention this school year, has a whole new set of friends that she hangs with, has not done any drinking or using(we caught it way early thank goodness, after only trying pot once and snorting adderall once). Her behavior at home is so much improved. She got her driving permit this winter and she hasn't gotten into any trouble since last summer.
We have many friends who have adopted children. I would have to say that only one family is not having problems with their children. The others have had far worse than we have in some instances and some have had milder problems. Many of them report the same thing we have experienced, that adopting children at birth is not a cure for attachment problems. That many of these children carry problems that make their road in life much more difficult. Last year difficult child briefly became involved with another girl at school who was adopted. It did not take long to realize this girl had issues. When I finally met her mom to discuss some things that needed discussing, we just both hugged each other, knowing without speaking the pain we were both going through.
I've written a book, I hope some of it helps, if just to let you know that you aren't alone.
Nancy
Yes yes yes it can and does happen. Many of the good books on attachment that have been written speak about this, some more than others.
We started seeking therapy for our daughter at age seven, although we knew from when she was a toddler that we had problems. We also treated each symptom as it came up and we didn't have much luck. As she got older the problems became worse.
We finally took her to a center that deals exclusively with attachment and bonding, the founder is very well known and has written several books on the topic. While I am not advocating this type of therapy and I am not sure I truly believe it works, at least for many, it did teach me many things. The first thing was that during the time of our therapy there were nine other families that they were treating who had all adopted their children at birth. That fact just cannot be denied any longer.
Another thing that the therapy taught me was that my child blamed me for the fact that she was adopted. It made no matter that we had a wonderful home, loving family, she had every opportunity that she could want, that her life was good if she only took the time to stop and realize it. There was a hole in heart that even we couldn't fill.
While my difficult child hated the therapy, I credit it for turning the corner for her in being able to put her anger where it belonged and away from me. Finally someone said out lout that it was not our fault that she was adopted, that she never adopted us like we adopted her, that she was intent on not being part of the family, that she was holding out in hopes that her birthmother would come back, that she was afraid to show us love for fear of us going away, that we put up with her for 13(at the time) years and if we were going to give up we surely would have by now. That her birthmother cared more about drinking than caring for her.
These things were hard for her to hear, heck they were hard for us to hear for her. In the end I think she was finally able to put away some of her anger and accept us as her family. It was interesting that until then she did everything she could to differentiate herself from us, let everyone know she was adopted and we weren't her real family. After that she began talking as if she were part of us, even began using our family as her source when projects came us, e.g., making ethnic food for cultural day or a family tree.
I know she still wants to find her birthmother when she is 18 but I believe it is more now a curiosity and she had finally decided she can love all of us.
We stopped the therapy because she hated it so and it was hard for us to put her through and in all honesty I was skiddish and she was in her worst time. It took several months after stopping to realize the full impact it had on her.
Life did not turn completely around for the better. Two summers ago she began running away to hang with thugs, going to the skate park, trying to act like a

We were at our breaking point and I honestly was beginning to think about alternative living arrangements. We began calling the police when she didn't come home or when she went into her wild rages. She had charges filed on her several times. We were lucky because the juvenile officers we dealt with were wonderful and they sized up the situation and wanted to help. We made appointments to have the juvenile detective talk to her, husband and I and even Grandpa went with her. They saw that we wanted help, not punishment.
The last straw came when she cut school and I found her at a boy's house with about fourteen other kids, drinking and using drugs. I called the police, had her charged, took her to a lab for testing and she went to juvenile court. She ended up having to spent the weekend in detention and finally it was the shock that she needed to make her realize what she was doing.
I know this doesn't work for everyone but it did for us. Very few people know what we went through in all those years trying to get help for her. She resisted our love for 15 years. This year she wrote an essay for English class in which she said after staying in detention she finally decided to change her life for the better. She is now getting decent grades, has not had any detention this school year, has a whole new set of friends that she hangs with, has not done any drinking or using(we caught it way early thank goodness, after only trying pot once and snorting adderall once). Her behavior at home is so much improved. She got her driving permit this winter and she hasn't gotten into any trouble since last summer.
We have many friends who have adopted children. I would have to say that only one family is not having problems with their children. The others have had far worse than we have in some instances and some have had milder problems. Many of them report the same thing we have experienced, that adopting children at birth is not a cure for attachment problems. That many of these children carry problems that make their road in life much more difficult. Last year difficult child briefly became involved with another girl at school who was adopted. It did not take long to realize this girl had issues. When I finally met her mom to discuss some things that needed discussing, we just both hugged each other, knowing without speaking the pain we were both going through.
I've written a book, I hope some of it helps, if just to let you know that you aren't alone.
Nancy