Partner with ODD

[Lillica]

I know this site is for parents, I was just wondering if anyone had a partner with ODD. I haven't been able to find any sites or support groups that discuss this.

I'm really struggling right now. He has ADD but I don't think hes aware he has ODD too. I wasn't aware either til my friend's child was diagnosed with it and she sent me the information on it.

 

[Stella Johnson]

Welcome!
What does he do that makes you think it is ODD? How old is he?

Steph

 

[Lillica]

He's 24 this month, has a very LONG history of ADD and problems with anger & behaviour (from what his mother has told me).

My personal experience with him is that he is a generally very negative and easily irritated person. He has problems with anyone thats in a position of authority or that he feels has authority over him. His parents, my parents, his boss at work, counsellors (thus hes being resistant about relationship counselling).

Whenever theres something thats associated with adult responsibility, he REFUSES to do or he just ignores it. We have 2 young children, this can't go on!! He deliberately aggravates or teases them, and doesn't know when enough is enough.

He does it to other people too, my brothers, his friends etc - when they dont do what he wants them to do, he starts being really irritating and annoys them!

If he gets mad at someone he gets arrogant and does vindictive things, shows a complete lack of caring or compassion and this continues til they do something that he likes or approves of then they're back in his "good books".

Its like walking on eggshells. I never know if I'll do or say something to set him off. He really has a LOW frustration level, and if he gets frustrated, hes not nice to ANYONE.

I've noticed soft drinks set him off.. think tartrazine is one of the things hes hypersensitive to. But it seems anything can do it. We've got cycles where everything is good, when its all good hes fine but when its not good, hes AWFUL!

Then somehow its my fault? When I try to discuss his behaviour he starts in on about how I need to look at my own behaviour and not piss him off!??!?? I just want him to see that his behaviour isn't acceptable adult behaviour and that he shouldn't be behaving like that around his children.

 

[flutterbee]

I wanted to add my welcome.

The only advice I can offer is to take care of yourself and don't let yourself get sucked into his manipulative behavior. You recognize the behavior for what it is, which is a great start. It took me years to figure it out when I was married.

I'm really too jaded to be able to objective, so I'll let others come along and help you with that part.

It's also my understanding that ODD is only a childhood diagnosis and that if the behavior continues into adulthood, it's something else. I don't feel it would be appropriate to go into too much about that part as it would all be speculation since your husband doesn't have a confirmed diagnosis, other than ADD.

 

[Stella Johnson]

Well, if he is that resistent to any kind of therapy or medication... I don't know what to say. It isn't good for your children to learn these behaviors or to see you being treated this way.

Until he is ready to do something about his behavior there is nothing you can do other than take care of yourself and your children.

ODD is generally a childhood diagnosis. It can lead to a conduct disorder diagnosis and worse. It really does not sound like this is a good place for you and your children to be.

I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was one. I can tell you it was the best thing I could have done. My daughter and I are much happier on our own. I now have a wonderful, understanding, loving boyfriend. He's great with my daughter, better than her own father.

Just my 2cents. I know I am a stranger and it is easier for me to say this to you from the side lines. I know it isn't easy.

Steph

 

[neednewtechnique]

I do not like ultimatums, but in this case, I think you have got to give him one!! Get help or Get out.... Especially if there are children involved. Trust me, I KNOW that this can be almost unbelievable, because you love him very much and you know that he is suffering, and you want to be there for him and try to help. But, there is only so much you can do before you INSIST that he take an initiative to get help if he is going to remain a part of your life and your children's lives. These types of disorders are often linked with very agressive and even violent behaviors. We fear for our safety when it comes to our 12 year old daughter's temper tantrums, I cannot IMAGINE dealing with this in a 24 year old man, especially when I am sure that he is much bigger and stronger than you, there is NO way for you to defend yourself against him, and no way to protect your children from him.

Not to mention, they learn by example, especially when they are very young, and could start showing some of this behavior themselves.

Whether or not he has ODD, that is a touchy thing. Generally ODD is a childhood/adolescent issue, because more times than not, if left untreated, ODD turns into Conduct Disorder. I don't have any difficult child's with Conduct Disorder, but with our difficult child's ODD being so serious, we have been cautioned, on several occasions, the severity of this if it turns into Conduct Disorder (CD). Generally CD is so affecting, that the person is unable to function normally, and is usually taking their behavior to such an extreme that the law has to be involved. I have heard of such manifestations of CD that a person with this disorder is likely to be violent and intentionally cruel and torturous to either people or animals, or both. There is a website that contains some information about CD, and also contains very helpful information related to the differences between the two, AND the natural progression from ODD INTO CD as a person grows older. http://www.hamiltoncenter.org is the website, and from there you click on the Mental Health Information tab, and it will take you to the list and you can select the Conduct Disorder link.

 

[flutterbee]

Conduct Disorder is a childhood diagnosis, also. It's still something else in adulthood. However, I think we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves as he hasn't been diagnosis'd with anything other than ADD. I'm not comfortable going any further on that particular topic because we are not professionals here and we cannot diagnose.

What I do think is important, as CJ said, is to put you and your children first. You can't change him. He has to want to change. If he won't go to counseling with you, at least consider going for yourself.

 

[busywend]

And watch for the same signs in your children if they are his - sorry to say that a lot of these things are passed on.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with wyntersgrace and know what she is talking about and feel she is on the right track.

There is a book out maybe you should read called Walking on Eggshells that might be good for you to read.

 

[jbrain]

Just wanted to add that a red flag goes up for me when you say he deliberately aggravates and teases the children--doesn't sound good...
Jane