Is this my fault

[Jade32]

Hi my name is jade I have three children and my eldest has adhd odd and conduct disorder.
Brooke is 14 and I’m living in hell.
She’s what the police refer to as a runaway. She’s always missing longest 9 days tonight she’s just come back from 4 nights.
She’s hanging around the streets fighting and drug taking drinking and nicking all around her.
She switches between personalities! She’s on bail for fighting id say bullying.
I’m at a loss.
She’s come home tonight after 4nights as if she’s done nothing wrong barely dressed and love bites up and down the neck and on her chest.
All of her friends the ‘parents’ literally don’t care so I’m the over baring mum.
She’s robbed me blind money cash cards even took the key to our safe and took all the money out! She had men come to the house with her kick the door in and search for money.
She’s nicked out of her nans house.
Soon she will be pregnant.
I know her father has never bothered much but I made him make contact about three years ago and since then popped in and out until he has decided her behaviour he won’t have so has cut contact the nan has just done the same.
Again all my fault she even told me tonight.
She’s been through 6 schools in the past two years and stopped going all together 4 months ago.
I have the police always say my door and I actually pressed charges for burglary which had been dropped down to criminal damage. I only did this to open her up to the young offending team to get more support.
She has a social worker I have two other children 11 9.
Brooke sent 6 women to my house to drag my out in front of them but luckily I wasn’t in.
She’s so rude calls me every name under the sun.
I’m not proud to admit I have also called her many things and I’m not proud but I am tired heartbroken and feel very upset.
She was on medication for her adhd but since she’s been using substances they have refused to proscribe.
I did put her in a rest bite place they made our relationship worse but she didn’t stay just stayed out with the excuse I put her in care.
She’s told her friends I beat her. I never have but I’m not proud of my mouth.
She’s emotionless no remorse empathy nothing.
She admits she feels nothing which is really sad.
She has her stepdad but the relationship there is very strained now.I just don’t know what to do! I’m trying to get her a therapy unit away from here with intensive therapy but it’s not easy.
Any suggestions or even someone that understands.
My family don’t ‘believe’ in adhd or conduct disorder! Don’t even get me started.
Or I get this is normal teen bad behaviour but it seems extreme even for conduct disorder.
I see her flip into two different people and the little girl stood in front of me wouldn’t go missing for 9days answering the phone with a what! Or just not answering it at all.
I just can’t understand it.
Everything and I mean everything is my fault! No matter what I do or say she’s hates me.
Getting her to the unit is that to much will it make her worse!? I’m sorry if this is unreadable I can’t spell particularly well.
Best wishes
Jade x

 

[Crayola13]

I’m sorry for all the agony you’ve been going through. Do you feel like police are doing enough to find your daughter when she decides to go? Sometimes police don’t search for runaways, but they should since she’s 14. I share your concerns about her possibly getting pregnant.

If she leaves again try calling any of the local youth shelters? It sounds like she’s either staying with friends or on the street. Are there any boyfriends or previous boyfriends she might be staying with? Maybe try to track down the parents of these other kids she associates with. Her friends probably aren’t going to divulge any information. Post her photo at the local food banks and soup kitchens if she flees again.

 

[Jade32]

I’m sorry for all the agony you’ve been going through. Do you feel like police are doing enough to find your daughter when she decides to go? Sometimes police don’t search for runaways, but they should since she’s 14. I share your concerns about her possibly getting pregnant.

If she leaves again try calling any of the local youth shelters? It sounds like she’s either staying with friends or on the street. Are there any boyfriends or previous boyfriends she might be staying with? Maybe try to track down the parents of these other kids she associates with. Her friends probably aren’t going to divulge any information. Post her photo at the local food banks and soup kitchens if she flees again.

She came back last night at 3am put her head down spoke to missing persons unit and left again.
No they are not doing a thing I don’t even see a police officer she’s technically missing but not actually as she’s around doing what she wants and playing the system.
I’ve been round friends houses cut them off have massive full outs as most part unreasonable people and then she moves on and the people are getting worse and further a field! She’s in and out of London like a hot cake! I’ve heard her boyfriend is 17 so you would think the police would do something but no! Unless she cooperates they say they can’t do anything she has love bites on her chest!
She’s manipulating me and using my emotions to control me. Telling me its because I’ve turned her dad and nan against her but I haven’t they haven’t bothered for years and now I’ve begged them for help.
All they have done is come in undermined me and blamed me then walked away again when it became more difficult! Lit the match basically! I don’t even know if I’m making sense! I’ve had enough I’m not perfect but I generally have given this kid everything she pushes me to my limits and then acts the victim.
I can’t actually cope I told her social worker today I can’t live like this no more and I can’t live without her she’s my daughter I love her so what now xx

 

[Ascending]

Are there any programs sshe could go into that might help her?

I keep recommending this book for people with manipulative children:

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People https://a.co/d/cS0zYUe

In your case maybe you’re dealing with other manipulative people in addition to your daughter. Like her dad for example which it might also help with.

 

[good vibes]

Your title poses a question. Do your other children exhibit similar behaviour? If not, then you've answered the question. ODD married with ADHD can lead to serious behavioural issues. The term 'conduct disorder' is more controversial. Some don't like the term as it's a precursor and suggests eventual psychopathy. The reality is that most teens diagnosed with conduct disorder do not go on to be psychopaths and many eventually end their anti-social behaviour. Similarly, ADHD symptoms often dissipate after the teenage years and some young adults even appear to 'grow out of it'.

It's difficult to give advice on your current situation. Given a supportive environment and good therapy, many young teens will improve and can be unrecognizable by 17 or 18. However, with two other younger children at home, is there a risk to their development by keeping Brooke at home? At age 14, there's a reasonable chance that her behaviour could escalate before it subsides.

You seem like you're at wit's end. Try to remember that you are a person as well. Beyond being the parent of a seriously challenged daughter, Jade is a person who has value and is not going round fighting and stealing. You are entitled to be safe from your daughter. Give yourself permission to make rational decisions about Brooke that also take into consideration your ability to cope. Also, forgive yourself for your filthy mouth. You are human and this situation is extreme. But, in future, try to control it - before going off, give yourself time to take three very deep breaths. Hopefully, it'll give you time to get back in control and avoid more regrettable words.

One last point, if you make the decision that Brooke can't live at home, keep the communication channels open and keep trying to show your affection for her. Treat the arrangement as temporary until Brooke's no longer a threat and you both agree that it's time for her to be at home. There are many people on this forum who've had to divorce their adult children and sever communication because they've been repeatedly abused over years. However, at 14, there is still plenty of hope but only if there is someone in her life who will encourage and mentor her to make good decisions.

 

[Blighty]

Hi Jade
It sounds really intense situation. A whirlwind. I don't have that experience you describe, but I know that by focusing on your own self care and your other kids, and taking the focus off your daughter for as much as you can, can only help the situation.
Have you got a counsellor who can support you? What do you do to take care of you ?
By caring for yourself you will be modelling behaviours which may rub off on your daughter. If they don't, you still benefit and you deserve love and care so much.