Past my limit

[flutterby]

I am so stressed that even posting this is causing an anxiety attack. I feel like I can't breathe, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty...and I've taken 1mg klonopin.

difficult child's anxiety is at an all time high. Everything - and I do mean everything - is now a trigger. She *completely* lost her mind over the idea of having an ultrasound today, so needless to say, she didn't have one done. She is still feeling bad, however I think it's all a direct result of her anxiety. She is catastrophizing and obsessing over any thought that crosses her mind. It is literally making her physically ill.

She hasn't been to school since last Tuesday, although yesterday and today were snow days. We have doctor's notes for the days she's missed. But, I know she's not going to go tomorrow. And I don't know what to do. Eventually juvenile court will get involved because of truancy, but I really don't know what to do. She has all but shut down. The anxiety has total control over her. She doesn't want to do homebound or partial days. She doesn't want to go back to homeschooling, even if I were homeschooling vs the online school. We don't have any other options.

And I'm sick. This fever that has been going on for like 3+ months now is over 100 and I'm having cold sweats. I'm not sleeping because I keep waking up drenched in sweat. Except yesterday, I slept all day. I'm exhausted, drained and feel like I'm out of options. But, I don't know what other options I have. I'm it. I'm her only safe person.

I have an appointment with the new psychiatrist on the 17th, but the first appointment is just me. I don't know what to do until she can get in and...see what happens.

There's other stuff, too, unrelated to difficult child that is just pushing everything over the edge with me.

I keep having to stop her and tell her that I can't do this right now - an hour or so into the catastrophizing and obsessing and crying and and and. I feel like I can't breathe. Just thinking about it causes anxiety attacks. Hell, just reading the articles on how stress effects your health that I posted on the News Forum stressed me out. Seriously. It's out of control.

I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow for my SSDI application for a "Mental Status Examination". Not really sure why as I didn't apply based on depression. Maybe it's related to the cognitive issues, I don't know. I do know that I'm ripe for it, though.

I'm going to try to get in to see my doctor tomorrow. Something has to give. Why in the hell am I running fevers for months on end if I don't have an autoimmune disorder? If it's not autoimmune, what is it and what do we do? I can't keep living like this with no end in sight...no treatment in sight...no relief in sight.

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

And I'm angry. I'm angry at difficult child for refusing to help herself for so long and now it's come to this. But, what good is that going to do?

 

[Jena]

hey,

i've been gone for so long outta here yet saw your post and wanted to lend an ear. sounds like your at your breaking point which in a way is good you have no where to go but down and de escalate now. my anxiety attacks were so bad at one point well not so long ago i left my job. i couldn't handle them and it. for me breathing, imagery meditation works wonders.

have you ever tried meditating?? go to library and get a book out. immerse yourself in something that has nothing to do with all the bad going on around you, that's what i do. i redirect me. it's the only way to survive some days. as far as the fever. stress has caused me to have fevers in the past, crazy right?? stress can do so many wild things to your body.

just some ideas and thoughts. as far as the rest vent away we are all here listening........

((((Hugs)))

 

[crazymama30]

Flutter, I wish I had words of wisdom, a magic wand, or anything that might help. It is very hard to take care of yourself and others, I have done it at times but not to the same extent you have.

I am here and listening and care. I wish I could offer more.

 

[Gran2Angels]

Flutterby,

I am new here. I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted to write and say that I care. Your post touched me right in the heart, as I'm right there with you. I can't stand it either. The only relief I find is my nightly cry and morning prayers. I try to start each day out new and as positive as I can.

I too have had fevers from stress. Along with chronic sinus infections and pneumonia. It all just wears us out. Rest usually helps me. I hope you can find some rest and relief soon.

As you are traipsing through your meadow, I pray flowers start to bloom AND SOON.

Gran

 

[KTMom91]

Heather, I wish I knew how to help, or had some advice, or could do something that would ease your stress and difficult child's.

 

[nvts]

I just want you to know I'm thinking and praying hard for you. I understand the anger and frustration - the feeling like nothing's going to give but you NEED something to.

I wish I could take some of it for you. I wish you could throw your difficult child on a plane and she could stay with me for a while - just to give you a break!

I remember once a friend of mine used to "visualize". She swore it worked. She would picture putting everything in glass bottles (like those Ball Jars) and screwing on the lid as tight as she could and putting them up on a high high shelf. Then she'd drink a cup of tea with a cookie or something sweet and deep breathe. I guess it's worth a shot.

Myself? I'd put everything in jars (like she said) and then visualize taking all of the jars out into the backyard and taking a bat to them!

Feel better hon, we're all rooting for you!

Beth

PS: I could pm you my phone # if you need an ear - just let me know!

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather,
I'm sorry things are so bad for difficult child right now and to be dealing with that on top of having a fever for so long no wonder you are past your limit. You are in my prayers daily. I really hope that things calm down on the difficult child front and that those doctors figure out what is going on. Gentle hugs.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Heather,

I'm so sorry that things have gotten so difficult for both you and difficult child. It appears that both of you are dealing with similiar anxiety issues that are affecting your physical health. The two of you are sharing this time of high anxiety.

Seeing the doctor today is good. One of you needs to have this oppressing blanket lifted a little so you can both begin to move forward. I hope you get some relief from the doctor today - at least I hope you can get in there today - tell them it's an emergency......

It's difficult when one of our members here is suffering so to know what to say. We are like family here and it's difficult when all we have is the keyboard to express our feelings. It seems so feable sometimes to say we are sending hugs.

But know that we care and concerned. You are in my prayers - it's what I can offer at this point along with my support here on the board.

Take care Heather - there will be a light.

Sharon

 

[DaisyFace]

Heather--

I wish I knew the right thing to say to make it better...

I do have a small suggestion, though for easing a small part of the anxiety--I think you need to give your "brain" a rest.

DON"T read articles about what stress is doing to your body. STOP worrying about tomorrow. TAKE A BREAK from reading about other people's problems (yes, that includes this board, if necessary. Writing about yourself--OK....worrying about all the rest of us and our families--NOT OK...at least, not now).

You need to stop and block out the incoming stimuli that is adding to your worry and your chaos. If it is causing an anxiety attack....give yoruself permission to stop thinking about it for a while. The world will not stop because you are not "on guard".

Even difficult child will be OK for a few hours. Yes, she needs you....BUT she doesn't need you to be worried for her 24/7.

I hope you can get yourself into a quiet corner for a few hours and just RELAX!!!!

You need some peace.

--DaisyFace

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry things are so bad. It really is awful that you cannot get help and difficult child refuses to help herself. I am so very sorry.

Others have given great ideas. I have a few suggestions for things you can do. Don't evaluate IF you can do them. They will problem seem impossible. Just let the idea simmer in your mind - it may suddenly seem like a doable idea and at that point - go ahead and do them. If they are just too much, that is OK. They are JUST ideas. NOT orders.

Have you considered skipping the first "mom only" appointment and taking difficult child in because she cannot wait? It is an option, no matter what the secretary tells you.

In difficult child's current situation, not able to go to school, not able to function at all, have you considered having the psychiatrist arrange a hospital bed? It won't be an "emergency" such as going through the intake, per say. A psychiatrist will have to order it. Not sure how things are with old psychiatrist, but new psychiatrist may help if you take difficult child in with you for the first appointment. No matter WHAT the standard order of things is, if you take her in and she is in such crisis, they will see her at least a little bit.

I hope that both of you feel better soon. The fevers of unknown origin are awful to live with. I am so sorry they are so bad. You can tell the doctor that she/he HAS to fix you because otherwise we will get a posse to pull his lungs out through his nose, if it will help?

Take deep breaths, and know we will listen anytime.

 

[totoro]

I was thinking along the lines of Susie as well. Maybe she does need a break at a Hospital or treatment center for anxiety.

I don't know? I wish I could give you both a break.

 

[flutterby]

I am going to have a stroke.

I missed my SSDI appointment today. I had it in my head for 2 WEEKS that it was at 11:00am. I finally find the place and there's no one there. I wait. Nothing. I come home, find the letter and it was at 8:45am. I called SS right away to let them know what happened and I'm hoping they'll reschedule me, but I don't know if they will . And without this, it's probably an automatic denial. This is one of the reasons I filed - cognitive issues!!!

I'm not going to see my doctor today. She only had 2:30 or 3:00 available. The psychiatrist's office called and they had a cancellation at 3:00pm, so I'm taking it. Things can't wait any longer with difficult child. It's at least an hour away, in an area I'm not familiar with and I'm trying not to think about that. Driving was always my thing - my freedom. Now, with my cognitive issues, it's just another stressor. Especially when I don't know where I'm going.

My doctor isn't in on Friday's and I refuse to see the other doctor in the practice. He's way too proud of himself. I can't stand him. So, I'll see her on Monday. I hope. I am having my root canal finished on Monday so I don't freaking know.

Thanks for listening and for the support. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to be the one that ends up in the psychiatric hospital. They do have inpatient facilities where I'm taking difficult child for the psychiatrist, so if they feel she needs it, she'll get it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[idohope]

{{Hugs}}

Hope the psychiatrist appointment brings you a step closer to help for difficult child and that you get yourself to the doctor soon as well.