Personal support ~~ WWYD when you don't have any?

[AK0603]

I am dealing with- my 10 yr old DS with issues, I have posted alot recently. I live with my husband (his step dad) and when DS comes home I don't feel like my husband is into this with me. He is frustrated and wants to give up on him, and has told me on and off that it's my fault, and my issue now. I didn't listen to him (he likes punishment to be screaming at someone, and taking all things away for minimum of 2 weeks) he was brought up in a more strict household, you know smack your face off for a smart mouth. :shocked:

I am moving in July back home where I'm from just for more support, we have no family here. I am so scared because husband and I aren't on the same page, I feel like he doesn't care anymore but I have a 10 yr old DS that wants to die. :frown: I have to make it until July.

 

[DDD]

Most of us have not had the support we needed from spouses,
family or friends. Actually, most of us have been blamed or
advised that more discipline is/was needed. It is hard to cope with the stress alone.

The CD family provides support for one another on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Without these cyber family members many of us would not have made it. Glad you are part of the group. DDD

 

[AK0603]

Good to feel I'm not alone. :smile:

 

[Liahona]

I know this is against all the parenting rules and that many here will probably disagree with me, BUT what works at my house is that I disapline difficult child 1 until I'm about to lose control then husband takes over. If husband tries to disapline first he is way to strict. He was raised very differently then difficult child 1 needs. Therefore, when he says something he sticks to it (great for consistancy!) but what he says for punishments are more than difficult child 1 can handle. Sometimes I've questioned him in front of the difficult children (this is where most would disagree with me) to get him to back off. Since I've started this husband has been more open to picking battles and not making issues of the little stuff. Something else that has been suggested to husband by (more than one) therapist is one-on-one fun time. When I can get husband to do it this really improves their relationship. Its taking time, but slowly we're getting on the same page. I'd have hit the roof if he'd ever said he was giving up on difficult child. You have more patience than I do.

 

[Wiped Out]

Amy,
I'm sorry you are struggling. It must be very difficult to not have husband on the same page as you. Would he ever consider counseling? I hope things start to improve-remember we are here for you. Hugs.

 

[AK0603]

We tried counseling about 1.5 yrs ago, they wanted for us to do marriage sessions 1 time a month, but wanted to see him 2 times a month in addition to that. He went 2 times and then stopped. The dr. wanted to talk to him about his anger/anxiety/depression, losing his father 6 yrs ago, alcoholism as well as verbal abuse situations in the past as well as young sexual abuse for 3 years that happened to him. When people want to talk about things like this, he won't talk, he leaves, or finds a way to blame everything on someone else, or start yelling about other issue to take the focus off him. If that makes sense.


We are however doing family sessions with my ds with the issues. We have only been 1 time, but he has agreed to do this 2 times a month, so I know he hasn't given up, but he does say it from time to time. It breaks my heart. I know they are not his flesh and blood, but their real dad lives 600 miles away, and refuses to move here, etc...that's another story.

I think my son who is going through this is alot like my husband, anger out of control, smart mouthed, selfishness, etc...but husband doesn't see it this way.

I'm so happy to have found this site, I feel some support here at least.

 

[totoro]

Don't feel alone Amy. We really have been there in one way or another, sometimes time helps... other times nothing helps... it just really depends on who is willing to step up too the plate and start dealing with the reality of the situation, ya know.
Luckily for me husband stepped up, but noone else did, not any of the rest of the family so to speak. Sometimes you take whoever is there for you, whether it is a sibling, parent, husband,wife, friend or us here.
I think after my in-laws realized they can't fix my kids it is easier to just back off and blame it on us... friends sometimes can't deal... sometimes we are alone.
This site has really helped me stay focused and realize the reason I am here, and what makes me happy.

big hugs

 

[Liahona]

I'm sorry your husband has so much on his emotional plate. I'm glad you found us.

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry, Amy.

Your husband does have a lot of issues. Sigh.

Is there any way you two can do anything alone together, away from the anger and discipline and constant supervision... just go for a walk or go to a movie? It's a lot of stress on all of you, and clearly, he doesn't deal with-it well.

My husband needs a push now and then... I bought him a card to congratulate and thank him for waking up difficult child an hr early and giving him his medications for a week... it only lasted a wk. but at least husband tried it and I didn't have the struggle for a few days. It was a nice break. And he keeps the card by our bedside, so I know he liked the support. Guys really need a lot of support (in case you didn't notice!)

You are NOT alone!!!! Keep breathing. Wish I could offer more.

 

[Fran]

Amy, it's pretty difficult to have to deal with a difficult child let alone a life mate who is throwing more fuel on the fire. I'm sorry for you. It makes the journey so much harder.
The truth is your husband knew you had 2 son's when you married. Although he is the step, he is still part of this blended family. We don't really get to give up on our kids. He doesn't either.
I appreciate he has issues. Who doesn't? He can get help, stay quiet and fume but he isn't supposed to turn this around to make your dealings with difficult child harder. He is supposed to be the support for you.
What happens if one of his daughters is a difficult child? Should you both give up? It just doesn't make sense for parents to think this way.
As far as family being more support. Sometimes they are but most times they aren't. I hope your family will be the support you think.

I hope your husband realizes these kids are difficult but they need parents. We don't like the chaos and emotional outbursts from the difficult child but they still need us. He doesn't realize how important he is in this boy's life.
He shouldn't make you decide between him and your son. It is cruel and unloving. He will lose every time. You have to be your son's advocate.
I'm not saying that you aren't to be sympathetic to tough job it is to be a step. He gets lots of the work and not a lot of recognition.
I hope he comes to see what he is doing to you and works to be a part of a team to parent the children. All of them.
Hugs, Amy. This is a tough job.

 

[AK0603]

Thank you everyone! Off to bed for the night, had a panic attack and had to take a Xanax, that makes me so tired.

 

[Marguerite]

Your husband has issues which he finds hard to deal with. he's about to lose you, which is probably also going to be hard for him to deal with. He has choices. He must make those choices and be prepared to live with the consequences. Neither choice will be easy.

In the meantime you have a son who needs stability and support. He is your highest priority. Your feelings for husband will understandably have to take a back seat in order to help your son. Life isn't fair.

I hope husband can see that he can make it easier on himself as well as you, but the ball's in his court. I do hope you can make it work, but right now if husband won't deal with his problems, how can he be equipped to help you with your child?

You may just have to both be content with a long-distance relationship for a while and see how that goes.

You can't change husband, any more than you can change your son. But people can adapt and choose to make changes in themselves, especially if they are positive, healing changes.

Marg

 

[houseofcards]

Amy, I am sorry you are going through so much right now. I thing the advice you have been given is excellent. I only wanted to add that it is a shame the the counsellor jumped right in on such tough emotion issues right away without taking the time to build a safe relationship with your husband first. He should understand that not every t-doctor would move that fast. But it is just a side note if your husband doesn't want to change.

 

[oceans]

Amy- maybe you can find some support in your area. Check out NAMI. I found that they have many support groups in my area. I just signed up for a class for family members of those with mental illness. It is supposed to be full of helpful information, and the woman running the class said we would meet many other parents in the same situation that we are.

http://www.nami.org/

I am going to the class, and then signing up for the most appropriate support group.

Do you live near a university medical center? Sometimes there will be information and support groups you can find there.

It is important to have support. It is great to come here, but it also helps to find some where you live.

 

[1905]

I don't have any family. Not a family far away, just husband. Dealing with our difficult child is and was a challenge because we both are different people, but our goal was always the same to help difficult child become independant and able to function in the world. We clashed and still do. You need to know you are a strong woman, you will not give up on your child. No matter how much you want husband to be different about difficult child, he has his own opinions. And issues. You are a good mom, and husband will have to take a back seat, difficult child is the most important thing.

 

[TerryJ2]

"The truth is your husband knew you had 2 son's when you married. Although he is the step, he is still part of this blended family. We don't really get to give up on our kids. He doesn't either.
I hope your husband realizes these kids are difficult but they need parents."



Absolutely, Fran. I second that.

 

[BusynMember]

Until you go home, look for a support group for people who live with the mentally ill. NAMI is good. Your hub doesn't sound very caring, and you can't make him care, but I sure wouldn't allow him to scream at my kid, and if he slapped him across the face, he would be gone. He has issues, but lots of us had bad childhoods. It doesn't give us a right to give up on or be mean to our difficult children. He knew about this boy when he married you, and, frankly, husband is choosing, as a grown man, NOT to get help for his own issues. Until he does, he will likely not be a good mate for anyone, not just for you and your son. He needs to deal with his own stuff before he can deal with somebody else's. He wants you to get rid of your son? How dare he!

in my opinion it's a no brainer when choosing between a child who is needy and an adult who is just intolerant and doesn't understand. The child wins, again, just my opinion. Lots of us have to reach out beyond our family to get support. Hopefully, time will go fast and your family will offer you much support when you return. As for husband, I'd tell him to either learn to control it, get help, or get out. I wouldn't allow any husband to verbally or physically abuse my child. He isn't helping by his behavior. And no matter how he was brought up, people have to be flexible and realize the world isn't "the way I was brought up." In many states, a slap across the face is abuse, and an adult can be charged. (((Hugs))) You still have us.

 

[Steely]

Hi Amy,

I just wanted to reply to your post, to let you know I have been there, and I know how hard it is, but I think you are doing the right thing by moving back home for more family and support. Obviously you are not getting it from your husband, and you absolutely need it to provide a successful environment for your kids.

I was in the same boat several years ago. My husband and I were married for a couple of years, and in that time my difficult child went from being slightly stable, to being hospitalized twice. My difficult child sensed from the beginning that my husband was not fully committed to him as a "son", and they pushed each other's buttons accordingly. My husband was critical, rude, and aloof to my difficult child, despite many sessions of counseling on how to help a child such as him. In the end my husband asked me to choose between my difficult child and him....and of course you know my answer.

It was a horrible position to be in, and a horrible question to be asked, but even more horrible was the negative effect this man's comments and pessisism had on my difficult child over those few years. I underestimated how this affected my difficult child until the husband left....and only then did I see the tears and pain that he had suffered from this man's constant negative input into his life. It has taken my difficult child some time to recover, and even with that, there is a permanent scar there. I regret every moment I stayed married to a man that did not believe and hope the way we as parents have to with children like ours.

Hang in there, and go with your gut.......it is so unbelievably hard in the beginning of a separation....but your child/children will benefit more than you can imagine from a postive and loving environment.......where love is unconditional....and kisses are given despite behavior.

 

[AK0603]

[ QUOTE ]
To clarify...are you and your husband moving very close to your extended family? This sounds like possibly a good idea.
Are you close to your family?


[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, my parents, sister and her children. And then their bio father, all my life long friends and extended family lives about 2 hours from there too.

And to reply to the last post: I will be going with my gut, moving with or without him. At this point I hope he chooses to stay here and deal with his own issues. I have enough of my own.

DS will be home very soon, hopefully Monday, I saw him for a couple hours today and he really opened up to me, more than he ever has before ever! So this is a step in the right direction. I miss him dearly and hoping when it's all said and done that I have my old son back. :tears: