Please Help Me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mandie, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    Please, please, please help me. I don't know what to do anymore...I have a 5 year old little girl. When she was a baby she didn't just cry the three hrs/day to achieve the diagnosis of being colick, She cried all day. She was a terrible terrible two, a horrific three. She started to calm down at four...a little. She just turned five and I am beside myself. My daughter is very anxious...she screams, she screams all the time-over anything, everything. I cannot get her to stop. When she has these fits-which are multiple times a day-she throws things, she injures herself, she scratches her legs, she pulls her own hair and she says horrible things to me. She swears and calls me names and says she is going to kill me. Last time she actually prayed out loud that God would take me away. My daughter is sweet and gentle and thoughtful 50% of the time, but the other 50% she is... like this. She behaves really well at preschool, only occassionally she will cry, but just wimpering and briefly. But at home, the fits go on for hours. I have tried time-outs, re-directing her, getting down at eye level and talking softly to her, postive reinforcement, alone time with mommy, schedules, rewards-nothing has worked. Two of my neighbors have complained about her behavior, calling me an awful mother with out-of-control children. My heart is broken. I spend my days trying to create an amazing childhood for my kids. We play, we explore, they are my whole life. Having children is all I have ever wanted. Why has this happened to me, what am I doing wrong? Please help.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    First - welcome. We're never happy that parents need to find "us", but glad that those who need to, DO.

    Second - Repeat after me: I am NOT a bad mommy. I am NOT a bad mommy...

    This is NOT because of anything you are doing. Your daughter has problems, and needs help - getting help for her problems will also help the rest of the family.

    Has she ever been evaluated for anything? If so, for what? by whom? when? any diagnoses? any medications?

    What is the family structure - it sounds like you have more than one child...

    If you're starting from scratch... for a minimum, there are likely sensory issues - sometimes its as simple as tags on clothes that set some kids off - too much noise, bright lights, beign "bumped" , etc. These can be related to more than one possible diagnosis, so I won't guess.

    Have you seen "the book"? Around here, that's "The Explosive Child" (author: Green, I think). It doesn't fit every child, but might be somewhere to start at least - see if the library might have a copy, for starters.

    You might want to start a Parent Report (see site resources) - you'll need it for when you go through various cycles of evaluations, so might as well start prep work.

    When you have a few extra minutes, try setting up a "sig" (signature) - it shows up on the bottom of each post - some are brief, like mine, others longer... but it tells the other posters about your situation so we "remember" the situation.

    Take a deep breath. You are not alone. It isn't "bad mommy syndrome". We understand.
    Again, welcome.

    Others will be along with more specific questions and/or advice...!
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Aww hon! Calm've found the right place...huge hugs for you (you've described my first daughter to a "T"), so I can tell you I know how you feel. I had a school call ACS with false allegations in order to get me to take her out of her school - that was 1st grade! Ugh! It was awful.

    First suggestion? Go get a neuropsychologist done. It'll help figure out what is going on.

    Second? I'd see if I could get an occupational therapy evaluation. Let me ask you this: have you ever noticed if she's over-reactive to particular sights, sounds, tastes or consistancies, itchy tags or materials? She could have sensory integration issues that are "setting her off".

    Don't allow other people to slam're a great mom...if you weren't, you'd sit there and shake your head and dismiss it. You're investigating, you're taking the initiative and you're asking questions...a lousy mom wouldn't do that. If they walked a mile in your shoes, they'd be sobbing after the first few feet!

    Others will stop by, but for now, I welcome you to our little corner of the web! It's a great group with a ton of experience and strong shoulders to lean on!

    Hang in there! We're here for you!

    Beth :hangin:
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'd agree with serious sensory issues being involved and a full evaluation. My first response was to check for something on the autism spectrum, but don't rule out anything right now. There are a number of things that can cause hypersensitivity but those rages sound like my Kiddo, who is a high functioning Aspie (and my own rages as a kid).

    Also keep a journal of what she eats, when, her moods, etc. It sounds weird, but also include weather (including barometric pressure and pollen/mold count) and moon phases. Some folks are very sensitive to things that other people are able to easily tune out. If there's an allergy (food, seasonal, whatever) it makes things worse.

    The Explosive Child? Yeah, get that. In my brain it's become The Book, I really think of it in those capital letters. Even if you can't use everything in it right now, you'll find it helpful.

    Sounds also like she tries to hold it together at school, and home is her relief valve, where she is safe to release all that pent-up anxiety or whatever she's struggling with, because she knows you love her and will still love her after her rages. Ever get snappish with your parents because you were mad at a teacher? You didn't vent at the teacher but you'd be grumpy to everyone else. Upset with work and take it out on spouse? Same principle, different degree.

    You are not alone, hang in there. *hugs*
  5. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    Thank you. For the first time, I feel like someone understands me...I bought "The Book"-I just ordered it tonight on Amazon. I have two children, a boy and girl, 4 and 5. My daughter has not been evaluated. My husband thinks we should. I have talked to her pediatrician two different times, but he thought it was just a phase...My mother says if I get her evaluated, I will ruin her chances of having a normal life, but I can't see how she can ever have a "normal" life like this.
  6. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    Thank you so much for your advice-I will see if I can set up those evaluations. I'm so nervous. What does a neuropsychologist evaluation involve with a yr old? Is the occupational evaluation for sensory sensitivities everyone keeps talking about?
  7. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    OMG-autism??? I think I'm having a panic attack....journal is a good idea. I have this big pit in my stomach. I'm so scared.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Mandie -

    Slow down. Take a deep breath. There is no need to panic.

    Whatever your child is, is what she is. No label is going to change that. What labels DO is provide some guidance as to things that work and/or don't work - medications, therapies, school accommodations, changes at home, etc. - AND, without a label, the door to many resources is closed. But the "label" - whatever it ends up being - will be a term that covers a broad spectrum of possibilities. It doesn't define your child.

    neuropsychologist - or other evaluations at that level (we don't have access to neuropsychologist...) - is usually in-depth testing for multiple possible labels, but they will only find what they are looking for.
    Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluations will not result in labels - but may explain some of what is going on, and as a result may provide some therapy (by the Occupational Therapist (OT)) and therapeutic interventions (by you) that may help. Results of Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluations are also useful to other (including neuropsychologist) testers. Again, though, they can only find what they are looking for. We found it was faster to get into Occupational Therapist (OT) - and one does not replace the other, so its fine to book both.

    This is why you need to start your own documentation - so you have the data available for the other professionals yet to come.

    YOU are the first professional. You are this childs professional mother. The others are people you choose to bring in, to fill gaps where you can't.

    Slow down. Keep your head on straight. Be like a duck - everything looking smooth and cool on the outside, but paddling like crazy beneath the waters... The more professionally you can approach this, the better response you are likely to get from other professionals.

    Yes, its scary. And nerve-wracking, especially the waiting! And whatever happens on this round of testing, it will not likely be the definitive answer - there will be more testing, more questions. Its a process... We'd all like instant, definitive answers. But... we get through it all, somehow.

  9. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello Mandie and welcome.
    I can well understand your distress and confusion. I would say you are at the beginning of a journey - a journey that will involve you become wise and knowledgeable and skilful about what is going on with your daughter and how to handle/treat it. Without knowledge and external input, everything seems really overwhelming. You obviously need to have your daughter evaluated and seen by a paediatrician/child psychiatrist/neuro-psychologist - in my view, the more opinions you get, the better - to start to get some understanding of what is going on.
    I really understand about your daughter being lovely some of the time, and monstrous the rest. My son is like this. I think for some time I didn't really want to acknowledge the monstrous side fully, or was hoping it would go away (or something), and also didn't want to accept there was anything different about him. There was a kind of process of grieving, I suppose, for the son I wanted but was not going to have, and now I am in the phase of having accepted that he does have this difference and that is how it is. It is much less frightening to me now. I also did a lot of reading and researching, and the more I understand, the more equipped and less overwhelmed I fell. Well, it is still difficult, and some days are worse than others, but understanding what is going on at least gives me some clues as to how to handle it...
    Finally, those carping neighbours - I have those too :) They are just ignorant.
  10. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Please don't panic. I promise you that finding a reason behind all of the wild behaviors is a better place to be than having an out of control child with no reason behind it.

    The first thing that you should do is call your pediatrician to schedule an appointment to discuss developmental and behavioral issues. Don't do it at a sick or well child checkup--make sure there's plenty of time for this. You will want to ask for a referral at that appointment to the most reputable diagnostician in the area. That may be a neuropyschologist as was mentioned already, but it also could be another specialist such as a developmental pediatrician. If you've already discussed behaviors with your pediatrician but haven't got anywhere with him/her, bring in a video of a typical tantrum (don't let the child know you're filming). It's very possible that the doctor will want to direct you to a therapist or child psychiatrist--tell him/her that you want a more thorough evaluation before going those routes.

    There's a book I'd like for you to get called "What Your Explosive Child Is Trying to Tell You: Discovering the Pathway from Symptoms to Solutions" by Dr. Douglas Riley. It will start getting your mind rolling about some possibilities and solutions.

    In the mean time, read the thread at the top of this board about adapting The Explosive Child (book by Ross Greene) techniques to young children. Lay low on things like discipline unti you have some answers. It's not worth a two hour battle to make her pick up something like a toy. Concentrate on keeping her safe, and keeping siblings safe. Something may be going on that's making her not ready to handle the sorts of direction that typical kids her age can handle so you want to sort that out before pressing on.

    Hang in there.
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2011
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm also thinking high functioning autism with sensory issues (hair pulling and scratching). You may not get that diagnosis at her young age (we didn't), but I'd look into myself. Here is an online test you can try. I've been told it is quite accurate if it is answered honestly. High functioning autism can be helped. Some other disorders...not so much.

    Are there any psychiatric problems on her genetic tree (on both sides, even if she's never met Dad). Things tend to be hereditary. Any mood disorders or bipolar?
  12. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    I want to say Welcome...wish you didn't have to be here...but I'm glad you found us...I'm new myself and learning alot from the ladies on this board...wish I would have found this place when my daughter was going through stuff would have been nice to talk to others while I was in hell...but now my ds has been having issues and I found this site...which I feel I can discuss stuff without judgement. :)

    the journal is a great idea. Something I need to do myself.

    ps. you are not a bad mom...parenting is tough enough and then throw on some behaviours out of the normal..and we are human....I've had many meltdowns over the years. I know tell my has to have a time out.
  13. littlecritters

    littlecritters New Member

    Yours was the first thread I read when I found this forum, and it made me feel better, not being alone.
  14. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    Thank you, I really appreciate that...I felt the same way when I came across this website. Just knowing that I am not the only mom out there that is going through is all that gets me through the day sometimes. Hang in there.
  15. Mandie

    Mandie New Member

    Thank you, I really appreciate that...I felt the same way when I came across this website. Just knowing that I am not the only mom out there that is going through is all that gets me through the day sometimes. Hang in there.