Please, Higher Being, tell me...

[wakeupcall]

what to do? How do I handle this?

After all the progress my difficult child has made, tonight he had the biggest rage to date. husband is out of town, of course. Last night wasn't too good, but I got over it......yet tonight it was all out war. I finally locked our Yorkies in my bedroom, but then difficult child pounded on the door to terrorize them. He has hit me, thrown things at me, defied me in every way possible while screaming at the top of his lungs. This has gone on for two hours. Today I even took him to the movie, to McDonald's, etc. Some repayment, huh? It's been all I could muster to not beat him, but I finally just cried. I can't call husband....what could he do, he's a thousand miles away at dinner with the big boss. My daughter is on vacation and certainly doesn't need my phone call, difficult child has run off any friends I ever had, my brother thinks there's nothing wrong with him (what does he know, he doesn't even have any children) and my mom is deceased. So who is there to call to vent this on? And no, I can't dial 911. Sorry, I just would never do that. I'm so very sad. I finally gave him a Melatonin, so perhaps that will help calm him down a little. Does nothing ever work? All these years of doing this and doing that and he still screams, tortures the dogs, throws things......I just don't understand and I never will.

 

[nvts]

I am so so sad that you're going through this. I do know how you feel about 911. I don't know that I could do that either. Can you have the psychiatrist paged?

In as much as we would with our easy child's you can't look at this as some repayment for McD's and a movie. Something has set him off whether biological or emotional (whether real or imagined). Don't blame yourself. While he's in the other room search your steps through the course of the day. What could have gone wrong that he would think of as wrong vs. what would seem like nothing to you. Remember: something inconsequential to you could be mind bending for him. You know you can't reason with him during a rage, you have to let him get through it and then be prepared for the exhaustion or sorrow or even forgetting what he did during the whole outburst.

Please let us know when he finishes. I'm sending good thoughts your way...
Beth

 

[wakeupcall]

How long will this go on? I'm about at my limit...

 

[Marguerite]

It may have just been too stimulating a day. We get a lot more raging in the evenings. difficult child 3 was beginning to get wound up last night, I was able to take him aside and say, "Please be aware, you're a bit more tired than usual and you seem to be a bit more irritable than usual."
He said right back, "It's not my fault, if everyone would stop hassling me..."

I had to turn it off fast and he seemed to be focussing on blame, so I pointed out, "This is NOT about blame, it's just me making an observation. I'm not hassling you, I'm concerned for you and trying to help you gain some control - I know it's much more difficult when you've had a busy day."

He did hold it together, but it was difficult and it took all our concerted efforts to keep our own cool so as not to escalate him. In the evenings when he's rude, we tend to not react unless we feel he can cope with it. He really is far less equipped to cope when he's tired and medications have worn off.

And a thought about your brother - he reckons nothing is wrong, so I think when difficult child is raging is the BEST time to call him. Sometimes talking to a more remote family member can calm a raging difficult child - not that the other family member has more power, it's because they're more of an unknown quantity. Our difficult children tend to show their worst to those they feel safest with.

Marg

 

[Fran]

Not being a higher being but a struggling mom....

It's time to call his doctor. It may be time for a medication review or a hospitalization.
As parents we keep tolerating behavior and don't notice it has escalated past the point of intolerable.
One of my mistakes was not realizing I should have called the doctor sooner or taken difficult child to the hospital when things were unliveable.

Don't become a prisoner to his illness. Get him help. You can do it without your husband, daughter or brother.

 

[meowbunny]

Hon, I can understand not wanting to call 911 but you can't live in terror. You need to call and have him escorted to the ER. You don't have to mention he has hit you, just that he is a child with an illness and he needs to be seen by a doctor NOW. I'm sure if they hear the screaming and kicking through the door they'll understand.

If he were older, I have no doubt they would take him to juvie but I doubt they would at 11. When my daughter would rage like that, she would immediately calm down when the police showed up. I was willing to settle for that since she was one of those that once she calmed down, the raging stopped. However, if she was one who would start again when emergency services left, I would have insisted she be taken to ER for help.

I am so sorry you and he are going through this.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Just thinking out loud here.

I've seen you post in the past about your dogs. I would highly suggest you placing them somewhere so that they are safe, if even for a little while. It is not fair to them that your son terrorizes them.

Secondly, what is your fear of calling 911? He is 11, the police would not arrest him or anything. Maybe if the police showed up at the house, your son would know that you meant business?

Please, don't think me bad for suggesting, I am just musing. And you can vent here, that is what we are here for.

Big hugs and strength being sent your way.

 

[wakeupcall]

Sorry, I guess calling the police just is not in my list of salvations. I suppose if he was chasing me with a knife, I would.

As far as calling my brother to talk to him...yea, my brother hardly knows him. I called my bro yesterday and he asked me if difficult child was 15 yet. *Sigh* some uncle, huh?

I did lock my dogs up to keep them safe.

It's finally calmed down around here...almost three hours later. I've gone to my bedroom and put the dogs on my bed with me. difficult child came in, got into the bed, and fell asleep. I just dragged him to his own room. This is so draining and I know I don't handle it well or correctly. I can't stop crying.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Fran about calling for help. The police or doctors are not going to arrest your son. Have him get help even if that means he needs to spend some time in a hospital. My son was 11 when he first started his out of home placements. No it wasnt the cure all obviously but we had to do something.

Parents cannot be held captive to out of control kids. I am convinced that mental health care is growing by leaps and bounds and it has to be better today than it was even ten years ago. I have seen the growth. Please call the doctors or have him escorted to the ER. Its for his own good too. I have a mood disorder and it is miserable to be that out of control. Trust me on that one.

 

[wakeupcall]

I hear you, Janet, I really do. But this hasn't happened in a very long time and with husband out of town, well.....you know how that would go over. It never would have escalated to this point if he'd been home. For whatever the reason it's ME who is the trigger. I hate it, but I am his mother. What does one do?

 

[jannie]

I am sorry--I'm glad things have calmed down. You and difficult child have been suffering for so many years...something else needs to be available...What about contacting hosptials tomorrow to discuss inpatient programs..either day treatment and/or 24 hour care. Someone else besides you needs to observe him over a period of time. What about prn medications in emergencies such as this. Call mental health and ask about a crisis mobil unit that is available to deal with mental health breakdowns.

I know 911 is scary and I understand not wanting to do it, but what is the worse that could happen? The purpose of 911 would be to help get him calm and possibly escort him to a hosptial. You're not looking to lock him up..just get him help.

I know you don't want to hear about calling for help, but so many of your posts are concerns over significant difficult child behavior. Hang in there. Sending hugs

 

[slsh]

Pam,

I'm really concerned that he's hitting you and throwing things, and that this went on for hours. I absolutely agree with- Fran that a call to psychiatrist is in order. I think it's time to come up with- a safety plan as well, with psychiatrist's input. What does *he* suggest when this happens? How can you and difficult child be safe?

You may reach the point someday as he gets bigger and stronger where you may not be able to safely weather a rage like this - calling 911 and requesting an ambulance for transport to hospital is a perfectly reasonable and safe option. I don't mean to be alarmist, but a raging difficult child is out of control and it is entirely possible for him to hurt you, or even himself, unintentionally. What happens then? 911 may not be the answer for you, but ... I just see some really huge safety issues here, for both of you.

I'm glad things are calmer now - hope tomorrow is a calm one for you.

 

[wakeupcall]

I think you're right, Sue. We have a therapist appointment. on Thurs. husband has been taking him, so I'll have him ask what should be done. But I think he'll say call the police too. He's told me before to call the police should he ever refuse to go to school (!!), so that's probably his standard answer. This is exactly why I don't like having a separate therapist and medication doctor. One hand never knows what the other is doing.

I, too, wonder what happens as he gets older and stronger. Is this where if I don't think about it, it won't happen? He isn't hitting me with his fists, but hitting me with whatever is in his hands like his blanket, his pillow, baseball glove.....more swinging it at me than deliberately standing there pounding. Does any of this make sense?

He just came in and apologized and kissed and hugged me. This is so very sad..........................my poor little boy.

 

[Fran]

Do you really think that if you did something different he would stop raging? I don't think so.
You are the trigger because you are his mom. I am also. I kept wondering what and how I could change but eventually I just decided I could only change so much of who I am. I learned different parenting techniques. I learned when to get help.

My husband traveled quite a bit so it was always me dealing with things. If my husband came home and was disapproving of how I handle things, well.. it would be fair to say that maybe husband can take difficult child with him on his trips. I did the best I could, if husband has a better idea then I was open. I'm still waiting for his better idea.

When you look for help, keep your focus on the goal which is to get difficult child stable and to be able to live a day without tears. Doesn't seem to be too much to ask.

I understand everyone has a different level of comfort with mental illness, police and hospitals. I sort of threw it all out. It made dealing with difficult child that much harder. I couldn't keep up the pretense.
My child at times was a raving mad man and I was two steps behind him in the raving dept. He wasn't that way all the time but when he was not doing well he was awful and life was truly a burden. It isn't a measure of love if and when you call for help. It's doing what is necessary.
Anyhow, that's how I thought and how I got through some tough times.

 

[Alisonlg]

I just wanted to offer you some big, gentle hugs...from one mom who broke down in tears today to another. Thank goodness tomorrow is another day, right?

At least you got him into his own bed so you don't have to share tonight. :wink: Enjoy the space and silence.

::::::

 

[Wiped Out]

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))You must be exhausted. I'm sorry difficult child was so out of control. I definitely agree about calling the psychiatrist. tomorrow. I know whenever difficult child starts spiraling up or has a particularly bad time I call the psychiatrist.

We now have a crisis number to call (from difficult child's therapist) if he is getting violent. Would your therapist's office have anything like that available?

I hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

 

[wakeupcall]

He's awake in his room now. He's watching tv. Both dogs are still in bed with me. I remember my mom telling me there was nothing wrong with him when he was a toddler. Then he started medications at age 4 and she came unglued over it. I wonder what she would think now? Sorry, guys, guess I sound sorta out of it.

Oh boy, now there's a tropical storm in the Gulf of Mexico heading right for us. What else can happen? I'll be glad when this day is over. I have a horrendous headache.

 

[gcvmom]

For whatever the reason it's ME who is the trigger.

I always get the worst of my kids ' behavior -- on the one hand, I could be flattered because I realize it's because they can relax with me and they instinctively feel safe and that they no longer have to "hold it together."

On the other hand, I would love it if they would have just a tiny bit of anxiety around me to help them toe the line a little better!

I'm finding my difficult child 2 is become less and less tolerant of stimulants and they cause him to be irritable and more prone to outbursts at day's end. They sure do help his attention and hyperactivity, though. He got just 10mg Focalin today and we still saw some minor explosions this evening. I'm thinking of cutting the tablet in half tomorrow to see if that works any better.

You've got to be exhausted dealing with outbursts like that. Call the doctor first thing in the morning. This is urgent and really needs addressing NOW.

 

[wakeupcall]

difficult child has never had adverse reactions to stimulants. That could be exactly what happened, though. It started about 1 1/2 hours after his last Focalin XR. My poor difficult child has severe ADHD to go along with this mood order. He can't even sit to eat dinner without getting up 20-30 times, literally. I wish I knew the answer. I've always questioned whether or not difficult child has ever had a "real" rage....I question no more. This is the first time this behavior has lasted hours. There were times in the middle of it that he pulled his hair and screamed, then he would rake his hands down his face....like he didn't know what was happening. medications, or not, I guess it's bound to happen now and again.

 

[timer lady]

Pamela,

I don't say this lightly. Stop looking for zebras when there is a horse standing right in front of you.

difficult child needs far more care than you can safely handle right now. This isn't a judgment on your parenting; this isn't a judgment on difficult child's personal diagnosis's or medications.

difficult child is not responding to all the interventions you have put in place for him.

You know that I've been through placements with both kt & wm. We are a "family of different addresses" with wm. And it is working. Is it the best solution? Not in my mind. It is what works & is safe for our entire family.

Sweetie, I'll be praying - today is a new day. If you can, treat it as such. :flower: