Well, I am new on here and wish I didn't have to be here, like so many of you. Words like frustrated, exhausted, spent, hopeless, etc. do no justice to how I feel at this moment. My hopes for posting this, are that I will find support, advice and resources. I would like to say finding an "answer" would be the ultimate hope, but there may be no such thing. My husband and I have 4 children, but Brenden, our 11 yr. son, is why I am on here tonight, so here goes. Baby background: as a baby, Brenden, was extremely happy, and I mean all the time. He was healthy, no problems during pregnancy or delivery, full-term, and all that good stuff. The pediatricians always said he reached his milestones slower, but they said he was still within the "normal range". Talking was the one milestone he didn't reach. Brenden was 6 years old before he learned to talk in 1-3 words phrases. At 11 yrs. old, Brenden has completely turned our lives inside out. From the moment he wakes up, he is angry, violent, verbally abusive, demanding, severe self-injurious behaviors, continuous eating when not on medication, excessively loud whether verbal or nonverbal (such as banging objects,etc.). He does not hesitate to swing his fist, sling spit, throw food or any objects he can get his hands on, he will continuously name call, his profanity is so out of control, he throws tantrums, cries like a toddler, screams and the bad behaviors go on. He has difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, gets up very early and the moment he wakes up his mind, mouth and behaviors are running a hundred miles per hour. He wets his pants several times a day, bites the skin off his finger-tips until they are sore and bleeding then cries because they hurt and then continues to do it more. He can't stand certain smells, sounds and certain fabrics. He has been wearing a size 8 slim pant since 2nd grade and is now in middle school. His weight flucuates from 63 to 74 lbs. He has never been over 74 lbs. He complains of leg pain and has done so for years. His baby teeth do not fall out, they loosen, adult tooth comes in and he has to have the baby teeth pulled out. He cannot answer open-ended questions, even simple ones. Multiple choice and sometimes even those are difficult. He can't express his feelings, even when sick. Decisions are practically imposssible, but gets extremely aggressive is he can't have choices. The list goes on. Brenden consumes all of our time and energy; he leaves no room for anyone else in the family. He has been evaluated so many time, so many doctor appointments, so many medications tried and we are in no better of a place. The diagnosis is always different. He has been diagnosed with developmental delay, autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, add/adhd, aspergers, cognitively impaired, etc. The doctors have even gone so far to say that there is nothing wrong with him other then the fact that his parents need counseling to learn how to parent. I have had a doctor tell me that my son's problem is caused by my depression, because I was sitting in his office crying out of sheer frustration. My husband, myself, our families and our friends, all fear the day we may have to call the police because of his behaviors. He has tried different medications, but is now currently on Vyvanse and Geodon. They "work" enough to get him through the day at school. Mornings, evenings, weekends, holiday breaks, summer......unbearable. My life is Brenden and Brenden is my life. There has to be something that the doctors are missing. The medications are not a solution, barely even worth subjecting our son to-there has to be something better then putting chemicals into a body that already seems to almost be a victim of all the poisons in our environment. Brenden is a beautiful boy; his eyes sparkle like a lit christmas tree, when he does smile and on those few occasions that he says he loves me and says "ur beautiful, mom, are you my honey?" (Honey is only said to those he loves), he makes you feel like maybe there is a chance we can have our lives back. But, then 2 seconds later the evilness comes back and he reminds you that this is really the way things are. If still reading, I sincerely apologize for the length of my post, but I just love my son and I can't help but believe there is more for his life then this. I am desperate for support, information, advice, your experiences. Brenden deserves so much more and he deserves the chance to wake up one day and feel a "calmness" in his soul and I want my family to do more then just "survive" this hell that we find ourselves in.