Please respond

[ML]

I really would like some feedback on the issue of manster feeling like we don't love him as much as x y or z at times. Is this oversensitivity or paranoia? What helps with this? Does anyone else have this issue?

Thanks,

ML

 

[Jena]

Hi,

Yes i have this issue with difficult child. It is that emotional neediness that never goes away at least with her. She will often say you don't love me as much as ................ same thing. Yet she knows that this is not true.

So, I don't see it as paranoia at all. I see it as the clinginess issue and emotional neediness. I just calmly tell her that I love her, will always love her. Our love is special, in case's where she uses her sister I simply tell her I love you and your sister with the same special kind of love.

If she continues to carry on over and over again non stop after the first reassurance I simply redirect it each time. I don't let her trap me into this same conversation over and over again.

I hope this helped

 

[trinityroyal]

ML,

I see this with my difficult child a lot. A LOT.
In his case it seems to be a combination of Theory of Mind difficulties and a boatload of grandiosity. Essentially it boils down to...
"I, difficult child, am the centre of the universe and ALL mom and dad's attention should be turned toward me. If they give attention to anyone other than me, it must be because they love that person more than they love me"

difficult child's psychiatrist has really been focusing on these two areas with him lately. Helping him to understand that love for someone else does not cancel out love for him. That parents do not choose between their children but have enough love for all of them, and more people besides. And, he has been reinforcing difficult child's understanding that other people have thoughts and feelings that are different from his own.

I wonder if Manster is dealing with a similar level of confusion...

Hope this helps,
Trinity

 

[ML]

It helps a lot!!! Thanks ladies. You would think by now I would get that most of them have this stuff but it still is hard when it comes out of the blue and I don't know if I'm handling it the best way. Trinity it sounds like your difficult child is benefiting form therapy yes? Like Jennifer said, the reassurance doesn't always work and re-direction is the only way out. Again, I appreciate the feedback xo ML

 

[Wiped Out]

With my difficult child we hear it and for him it's mostly an emotional response when he isn't getting what he wants so I don't put too much stock in it. I tell him I'm sorry he feels that way but that I do love him very much. I leave it at that.

 

[klmno]

ML, I only have one child - I don't know the answer - but I offer my support and strength, I know you're trying to do the right thing.

 

[ML]

KLMNO I have only one too and I used to call it onlyitis. But at times it ruins his evening. He was mad that I gave too much attention to his friend at the school sock hop and sulked and withdrew. I took him home and he cried in car the entire time about how unfair it was. He was very upset. He calmed down after a while but it took some time.

 

[susiestar]

It could be any one of a number of things. With Wiz it was often manipulation, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), fear, self-loathing based on whatever he had done that we didn't know about yet (it was a SURE tip-off that he had done something, quite frequently).

HAve you brought it up with his psychiatrist and therapist? I think they might be helpful, but often all a parent can do is hope that this too shall pass. and that just hoovers.

 

[Shari]

ML, I wish I had some advice, but honestly, I don't. My only thoughts would be a self esteem issue, and maybe if you can forewarn him when there will be others getting some of your attention, maybe that would help?

I don't know. I only hear this from my wee difficult child in dealing with Two Brooms, and in that case, he's right. She does loves others more.

 

[Marguerite]

ML, it's emotional neediness and it's part of the insecurity that is part of the disorders. Think about the world from his point of view - it is confusing, it is scary, it is unpredictable - he needs to constantly be sure of what he CAN be sure of.

In any relationship, we see other people as not putting in the same effort we do. it's normal to feel this way but for an insecure, off-balance child it is hard for them to really understand this. You need to be a strong, self-assured person to know this and he definitely is not.

Keep reassuring him, show him. One of the best ways to show him is a variation on "random acts of kindness". Let hi see you do this to other people too - I make a point of telling someone if I think their shirt is a lovely colour and brings out the best in their skin, or if their hair looks lovely, or if they have a beautiful smile. Now do the same for him. Catch him out being good and tell him how pleased you are with him. But even when things are bad, make it clear - you always love him, even if you don't always love the things he does.

We WERE where you are now. But not any more - difficult child 3 now acts surprised and puzzled when people ask him when he last felt worthless. Like, "Stupid question - never, of course!"

difficult child 3

 

[ML]

Great ideas! I like to hear progress has been made for those of you working at this longer then I have. It does give me hope.

 

[KTMom91]

For quite a while, Miss KT believed that she was totally unloved, and nothing that was done or said could change her mind. During the junior high years, she decided she didn't have a family, and told us that frequently. That lasted till sophomore year, when she hated the sight of me and was sure I hated her, too. We "hated" each other until just a few months ago. She still doesn't believe she was ever wanted or loved. With her, though, I don't know how much is really what she's feeling and how much is her drama talking.

 

[flutterbee]

With Wynter it was her complete attachment and dependence on me - which in turns makes her insecure. She needs me so much and giving attention to anyone else is threatening to her sense of security. Now instead of getting upset and crying, she claims that I'm nicer to so and so than I am to her.

She likes to think that I treat Devon like he walks on water and he gets away with everything while she's treated like the red-headed step-child. The truth is, she's always gotten waaaaay more of my attention than Devon because she demanded it. Not fair to Devon, but fortunately he has always been an independent and compassionate child - even when Wynter is making him crazy...like tonight.

 

[Ropefree]

..when you feel like that remind yourself that I always love you dearly. Hold that thought. I do love you so...smile into your heart with all that love you do have that will always be yours...I love and approve of you...
Your child needs to learn to affirm their self. Maybe you do to. Louis Hay...
What is really important is the child can say what they are feeling...that is so good. Not only that but expressing all that feeling...feeling loved less..feeling you love another more...and feeling upset about feeling...wow...that is a lot of self expression. When does he feel loved well? And when does he feel love is enough for everyone to feel love?