Proud of Hubby

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by stressedmama, Oct 19, 2016.

  1. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    2+ years ago when my hubs was in denial about his daughter's addiction, he was her biggest enabler. We would argue often because I could see what was happening and he refused to see it. Even after he realized she was an addict, he was still Mr. Softy and thought he could fix things and would always try to soften the blow with her. Me, I've always been a tough love kinda gal so we were not seeing eye to eye at all. He couldn't understand my detachment. He couldn't understand why I didn't like her. I told him you can love someone and not like them.

    He has slowly come around and after many different detoxes, rehabs, etc., she just left another one. She's been there since January and was getting close to graduating the program but it wasn't happening on her timeline so she bolted. AGAIN. She is more terrified of succeeding than of failure. She self-destructs every time she gets close to success. At 34 years old, she still doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility for herself, let alone her 5-year-old son whom we have had guardianship of for the last 2 years.

    The part where I am so proud of my hubby is that he has come such a long way in his recovery of being an enabler. She called last night to tell him she left. He didn't really react. He basically told her she's on her own. She called again today, he gave her the name of an attorney to contact for some legal trouble she was in prior to this last rehab and told her again, he's out. And not only did he tell her that, he actually meant it! He can make himself physically sick worrying over the most menial of things. And this time? He said he's not even going to worry about it. She can figure it out and if her mom wants to help her, so be it, but he's done.

    I am not optimistic for her, but I am absolutely optimistic for him!!
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  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Stressed. Kudos to you and hubby in your progressing to detach. There's no manual for this and each family is individual in their struggle. My husband also was the one who had the greatest difficulty in seeing the truth.
    What a blessing that child has in grandparents who are willing and able to parent him now. He will be better for your stability and your love. Thank you for making a difference in the next generation. Even without optimism for your daughter ( I too have only a small amount of hope of success for our son), at least you may have made some headway in stopping the cycle. I admire you. prayers.
  3. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Stressedmama, my husband is a softie too, and his compassion and willingness to help our daughter was probably what kept her in our house for five years, despite her off and on attempts to stay on medications, get a job, and act decently towards us and others.
    My husband saw her today at her court hearing, and he was distressed about her appearance and lethargy, but he also said he was certain that having her deal with her own problems was the best way forward for everyone. I was glad to hear him express this.
    I'm glad your husband has come around :semi-twins:
  4. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Thank you both for your kind words. GS is truly our blessing and not our burden and there was never any question that we would take care of him. And will continue to do so for the long haul.

    I'm happy to hear our hubbies are all coming around. There's a fine line between being supportive and enabling. I remind my husband of that often and he has accepted it, thankfully!

    Warm wishes and hugs to everyone walking this walk. It's so nice knowing there are others out there who truly understand. The struggle is real!
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Horray for him, I remember your story. I'm glad he has finally gotten it, you both deserve a peaceful life. I hope his daughter gets the help she needs.
  6. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I truly believe there is a lot to that sentence.! I think our Difficult Child's feel that failure is easier..after all if you are successful at something then people will come to expect success and to maintain success is much harder than maintaining failure. Hence they must figure its way easier to fail than to put forth real effort and take a chance at success. What a shame.
  7. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    She is pretty typical of a drug addict in that she sets herself up to fail. Been there. Sometimes we are consciously sabotaging ourselves, and other times it is subconscious. The prospect of facing life directly, without the aid of substances, is terrifying for any addict. And gets scarier the longer we continue to use. Succeeding means making drastic, often unpleasant and difficult changes. It really is a hell of a lot easier to fail. This is the kind of thinking that causes relapse.

    Relapse is a crucial part of most addicts' recovery, though. Relapse isn't actually inevitable, but it is HIGHLY probable. It's what we choose to take from each relapse that really matters. As long as we can learn something about ourselves, and our triggers, relapse can be beneficial. It's a lot of trial and error. It requires true humility.