Pushing the boundaries

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child came home 1 1/2 hours after his bus came thru the neighborhood yesterday saying "Sorry I'm late, Mom, I was talking to a friend at the bus stop for a few mins.". I told him since he's on house arrest he can tell it to the PO. Yes, my intent before was to work with difficult child to listen to me, not just the PO, so that he might actually be able to live with rules in society someday without system involvement but I figured out last night that if he won't even comply with PO requirements, he sure won't have any respect for anything I have to say. So I had no more to say to him the rest of the evening. I checked this morning and he'd spent about 4 hours on the phone last night with the same boy. I said "Well, I hope you didn't have any homework due today". Then, I saw him doing homework before he left for school. I told him he's grounded off the phone for about a week and to make sure he's home within 20 mins of his bus dropping him off today. We'll see. At this point, it might just be more valuable for me to just step back and let him blow this opportunity as fast as he wants to.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Woah buddy! Hmmm, house arrest means you are confined to home except for certain exceptions...lol. Not talking at the bus stop...duh!

    Cory's PO came down on him so hard from the first day he started house arrest so he scared him. He put that ankle monitor on him and Cory was standing out by the guys car to say bye to him and the guy barked at him...DUDE...you are on HOUSE arrest...NOT YARD arrest! LOL. Cory ran so fast it wasnt funny. Actually they were nice and gave Cory 4 hours a day off from house arrest because his dad was out of town and I am disabled. He was allowed out of the house so he could do yard work, go to the store with me, do stuff with Keyana...etc. I thought that was really nice of them.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm sorry, klmno....Was hoping it would go better.

    I have to agree with you, tho...he's 15 now...if he's gonna shoot himself in the foot, its probably better sooner than later...

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It seems he has gotten into a passive aggressive trend but I'm not sure how to handle it. He is doing things like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, not turning lights or tv off when leaving a room, etc. I'm sure he wouldn't have stood at a bus stop talking for that long yesterday- he probably went to a friend's house. Honestly, any fool would know this kind of stuff isn't worth getting on bad terms with PO and me. The PO was going to let him off house arrest next week when we see him instead of waiting the full 30 days. He has no ankle bracelet on- yet anyway- I don't know what the PO will do, if anything. I locked the beer up in the trunk of the car so that hasn't been an issue again but we're supposed to go that teen program tonight.

    I called a military recruiter this morning to see if difficult child had any chance of getting in upon high school graduation with his Department of Juvenile Justice record. He said yes if difficult child stays out of trouble and does some community service or a few good things between now and then and he'll probably have to have a psychiatric consult to convince them he was just young and dumb when he did those stupid things. He said out of all of it, the assualt charge would be their biggest concern so he better never get another one. He could either go active duty then have a lot of financial assistance for college or he could get (at least apply for) scholarships thru the rotc program then do active duty.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know, it might be best if the PO comes down like a ton of bricks.

    I mean, if Cory's PO had been all nicey nice and been lenient, Cory would have taken a mile. As it was, his PO was rough and tough in the beginning. He drew that proverbial line in the sand and dared Cory to flop his big toe over it. When Cory was supposed to be back in the house at noon, they were calling here at 12:01 to make sure he answered the phone. When he was on intensive probation, his PO would drive up to the house at 7 pm to make sure he was home...and then he was apt to come back anytime after that to make sure he stayed home! Cory better be in his pajamas...lol.

    When Cory moved out, his PO was at his house constantly.

    Slowly his PO started cutting him slack as he learned Cory could be trusted not to leave or run off. As Cory obeyed him...he left him alone. Now they have a great relationship. Cory missed an appointment last month and the PO just called him to ask what happened. No sweat.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yep- I might be calling him again this week to ask for that. And to let him know that the wonderful mentor still hasn't started.

    The best thing- well, only good thing- that happened yesterday was that difficult child got his new jrotc uniform issued and on his own, hung it proudly in his closet with boots positioned on the floor below. The recruiter said the best thing for difficult child would be for the jrotc leader or school recruiter to talk to him and let him know what he needs to do and guide him some.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I think Janet has some good advice. It doesn't seem like it would hurt to let him know he has someone serious watching him and not about to let him mess up. (Besides Mom) ;)
    Also it shouldn't always be on your shoulders, or at least feel this way. Let the PO carry some of the weight, especially if he seems decent.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'd dang sure try to get the PO to get on him, too. Give him the ankle jewelry for a while...
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Now the question is whether or not he'll really come home on time today and willingly go along with me to this program this evening. Still, no call from or about the mentor today.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope he shows up on time this afternoon. If not, I would certainly call the PO and demand that he be the heavy and bring over the jewelry immediately.

    Honestly k, leaving the cap off the toothpaste and leaving the lights on are very, very minor and so very, very typical. Coming home and hour and a half late when under house rest is totally not typical. He's getting cocky and the best thing that could happen to him would be the PO putting the fear of our creator in him along with attaching the bracelet. Better now than two weeks or 6 months from now - he needs to really, really get his responsibilities and limitations asap. And, if he can't follow the rules with the carrot of early getting off house arrest in a week rather than 30 days, what will he try when officially off house arrest?

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well this PO doesn't make house visits- that was one of the reasons for the mentor- to also monitor difficult child's compliance. We have a meeting scheduled with PO for next week to talk about how he's done so far. I called after the drinking incident and don't want to call again unless difficult child does more- like not coming home on time again or worse. I'll just let PO know next week.

    The other little stuff- I know it's typical teen but in Department of Juvenile Justice they had to really walk the line and difficult child knows this stuff bugs me and I don't buy that he's just "forgetting" all these things- I think he's pushing boundaries big time. I'm surprised he even did his homework before school this morning but I've made it clear that I advocated for him to get into mainstream but he's in high school now so the rest is up to him- I am not going to monitor homework like I did in middle school. He can choose how bad he wants his goals and follow suit accordingly. I'll participate in IEP issues, of course, but I'm not going to ask them to forgive missed homework or bad grades when it's due to his own defiance or lack of caring and nothing more.

    Also, in order to get off parole in 6 months he better get a grip real soon. Really, it might be good for the PO to toss difficult child in the detention center for the weekend as a reminder. But then difficult child always seems to meet people he wants to "hook up with" once they are both released so it's always a toss up if it does more good than harm. He can't get the type of ankle bracelet where they come right out to the home if the juveniles offends because he's not awaiting a trial. It would still be a situation where PO would know but wouldn't address it until we see him again. He could take him to court and have him recommitted for not being willing to comply with rules of parole but I tend to doubt he'll do that for this stuff- but you never know. I hope if his GAL hears about it she starts getting a clue- how exactly does she think all this is my fault if difficult child refuses to resepct rules or that sending difficult child to live with my bro will change that?
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Not home- why am I not surprised?
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, k. Is he home yet?
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Nope- I guess I will be calling PO tomorrow
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So not good. Sorry. They need to revamp how they supervise these parolees. This isnt working. Even if he isnt on a monitor...a few times of dear mr PO sitting at his front door when he is supposed to walk in from school would encourage a bit of a fast pace from bus to door!
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Are you kidding- they'd have to pay our PO's over-time and mileage and there's no way they are going to do that. I think he's going to a friend's right up the street and playing video games- he'll be home soon because the boy's parent(s) get home from work.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't want to get paranoid but I do wonder if difficult child was just planning on getting out and doing what he wanted to have a good time then killing me and running away until he got caught. I know darn good and well that he isn't so impulsive or insane that he couldn't have waited ten more days to get off house arrest and get a curfew to go out after school.

    I know he's going to go ballistic as soon as he finds out I reported this to PO- whether it's me telling him tomorrow or he finds out at the meeting with the PO, he'll explode on me as soon as we're home alone again.

    ETA: I just got a call and caller ID said "ABC BBB" (our jurisdiction). It turned out to be a recorded message from the sd about testing but I had assumed it would be the cops. Will my heart ever quit sinking when things like that happen? I mean really, at this point, why do I even hope for better?
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010