Question for those whose

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    have difficult children that are sometimes violent. Yesterday, this new lady who is working with us (from the program difficult child qualified for) said, of course, she is very concerned with finding ways to stop difficult child's violent behaviors.

    In the meantime, she said if he seems like he is going to get violent to sit down. That she knew of only one child that would hurt someone while they were sitting. Make that two I told her as difficult child had definitely done that and more than once.

    My question is has anyone's difficult child been violent to someone who was sitting down?
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    That's an unusual insight. I imagine the thought is that the victim is more passive when sitting and more aggressive when standing from the difficult child's point of view.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    All three of my kids have been violent when I've been sitting down. It makes me get up pretty quickly though!

    I hate to say it, but those who haven't lived it don't always get it.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sitting, standing, laying down -- it didn't matter. If she was upset enough to hit, hit she would. The only time I was truly "safe" was when I was driving. She caused a minor accident and I think that scared her enough to keep her calm in the car.

    Guess at least you and I can add to this woman's list of kids who will hit if a person is sitting.
  5. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Yep. When my son was violent, he'd punch me when I was sitting down. It wasn't about me, it was about his malfunctioning brain. If the potential victim being passive is suppose to make the violent person less aggressive, it would depend on whether or not the perceptions of the violent person about the potential victim are distorted or not. In my son's case, not only were his perceptions distorted -- he was psychotic on SSRIs -- his actions were often compulsive acts, not logical choices.

    I can see how becoming totally passive and submissive and thus non-threatening would work in some situations, but certainly not in all.
  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    hmmmmm I have been kicked, pinched and smacked when sitting, of course I was sitting on my difficult child's at the time !!!
  7. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I've been kicked while sitting. I can see how appearing non-threatening could help but I am not sure I'd want to make myself a sitting duck so to speak.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    YES, If I try to sit she will punch me or grab my face. Spit in my face. Throw things and have a better shot at my face!!! i sit a lot and will just try to ignore her, to not be confrontational, some times it makes it worse... others if I don't ignore her, it is the wrong choice. Whatever I do is almost always the wrong choice! LOL

    It depends on how bad her anxiety is also.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I have to say I've never heard such a nonsensical statement; wm had no qualms "attacking" me if I was sitting, standing, sleeping, walking or otherwise occupied.

    Keep your guard up is what I say. I don't mean to sound bitter but I think this lady needs to have a difficult child or 2 in her home for a couple of days.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the replies! I understood what she was thinking but I just couldn't believe it was unique to my difficult child. The interesting thing is that she has dealt with difficult children in her home. She used to have a theraputic foster home and had some difficult children of her own that she adopted.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think this person is clueless about difficult child's. IMVHO.

    Perhaps she told you this for you to try when difficult child is violent? IF so it's a poor tactic.

    In order for children who are violent to stop - they need to understand WHY they are angry and they need coping skills taught to them so they can STOP the anger and DO something about it.

    WIthout those skills - you are fighting a loosing battle.

    It IS okay to be angry - IT IS NOT OKAY to be physically violent with anyone when you are angry - instead they should have an arsenal of exercises or outlets in lieu of that rage.

    You sitting down isn't teaching your difficult child a thing - And actually you make yourself MORE vulnerable. True - it should not happen IRREGARDLESS - but if she wanted to teach you something helpful - Get the book How to talk so your teens will listen and how to listen so your teens will talk. It's PRICELESS. Even when they get angry - YOU have tools to disarm them.

  13. losttheplot

    losttheplot Guest


    Let me add another kid to the list....MY own 007

    7yo difficult child has broken my nose while i was lying down...he has punched me and winded me while I was sitting on the floor... I have been attacked while sleeping..... this is when i was actually asleep and I awoke to being hit and kicked in my bed.....

    I have to say it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing if he wants to get me he will regardless of what way i am sitting or standing....

    Mind you I was told by our therapy team when difficult child started to hit me with rocks to ignore it.... How in the world does one ignore a brick? I think these therapists should live with our kids one day and then give advise......

  14. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    "Mind you I was told by our therapy team when difficult child started to hit me with rocks to ignore it...."

    Sorry, but that made me laugh simply because of the absurdity of it. How can these people be so clueless and still take our money?
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I was just reading info on Va's coalition for youth website again and ran across a section on "evidence based therapies". It said that most psychiatrists and tdocs do not know how to adequately practice these because as they become researched and tried and accepted, if the therapist and psychiatrist haven't sought out training on how to do it, they will never know. Apparently they might need to get continuing education (not sure) but they don't have to have regular training on updated therapuetic methods.

    That surprised me- but it could explain a lot.
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When they're young (read shorter than you) and you sit, you just give them a more accessible target.

    Obviously doesn't really get difficult child's.
  17. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think a lot depends on the diagnosis and age. A child with asperger's is not going to get that sitting makes you defenseless. A child under 7 or one who is truly raging and has no control is not going to care about your position.

    However, an angry child that is hitting will probably stop when old enough to have at least the true beginning stages of empathy, unless there is a mental illness that prohibits that empathy. So, a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child will hit regardless. So will a child on the autistic spectrum (unless very, very high functioning). A BiPolar (BP) child who is still not regulated will have out-of-control rages and not be able to stop regardless of the victim's position.

    So, it may work for some children, even some with some emotional and behavorial problems, I doubt it will work for most of ours. The reality is that our kids are the extremes -- even for most problem children. The parents of kids with mild problems leave here pretty quickly -- they've found some solutions or the descriptions of our kids scare them away pretty quickly.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Ever heard the expression, "sitting duck"?

    A fairly famous piece of footage from Aussie TV shows a debate between a number of "personalities", including radio redneck conservative Ron Casey and Normie Row, a 60s pop star who got drafted to the Vietnam War purely as a political stunt (his number didn't really come up in the lottery, he was hand-picked for political gain and our biggest pop star had his career killed) but who did his service and is proud to have served his country, even though people like Ron Casey hadn't been very welcoming or supportive to Vietnam veterans, not considering it a 'real' war. They were debating on live television the upcoming referendum on whether Australia should become a republic.

    Scene set.

    Ron Casey made a point in the debate about fighting under the Australian flag and Normie Rowe replied that HE had fought under the Aussie flag and would happily have fought even if we had a republican flag; Ron Casey made a disparaging remark about "that was only Vietnam" or similar, Normie got heated about it and got out of his seat, walked over to Ron. Ron waved dismissively from his seated position; Normie shoved him. Ron launched out of his seat and knocked him off the platform with one, single, mighty punch. Next thing the pair of them are going at it, on live television.

    It happened within a second, they had both been sitting down to begin with. They were both experienced with the media (therefore less likely to physically lash out especially while cameras were rolling), generally both very easy child (in every sense - well, at least Normie Rowe) but this escalated too fast for anyone to prevent.

    A raging difficult child, especially one who is less tuned to social cues, is not going to be thinking about the morality of attacking someone who is in a more vulnerable (and less threatening) position.

    Sitting down - absolutely no likelihood of it being effective as a deterrent.

  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I asked my husband about this and he spit water across the room!!!

    This has to be some of the stupidest advice ever given to the lot of us. Truly idiotic, in my humble opinion.

    husband's words, "Hasn't she ever watched COPS?"

    I haven't, but I know my difficult child preferred to attack me when I was sitting because then I didn't have the leverage to restrain him.

    sorry she gave you stupid advice.
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    And sorry she gave you advice that made you somehow feel different.
    "I have only seen one child do this",
    is a statement that would make me feel even worse, because I knew my child would be the one.
    That is what is amazing about our board-we all have the ones.


    Think of puppies. If you sit down with a puppy they suddenly have no limits. You say no, and they don't even get it. If you stand, then the whole dynamic takes on a different tone. My dogs behave completely different if I tell them to do something while I am laying on the couch vs standing up.
    FWIW, I think this also works in reverse. As my son started to tower over me, his violent tendencies towards me went away pretty quickly. Knock on wood we have not had any episodes for over a year - and I think partly it is because suddenly he realized he really did have the physical power, and it finally scared him and sunk in that he could really hurt me. Somehow, he finally matured, got it, something.