Questions on how to cope

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Starshine22, Jun 30, 2019.

  1. Starshine22

    Starshine22 New Member

    My 41 year old son is severely mentally ill and on the streets homeless in FL. It's not the first time. My 13 year old Grandson was taken from him last year after they were missing 3 weeks a missing person report was filed. I'm having such a hard time coping with all of this he refuses to help and medication. I really believe he's Schizophrenia he believes people are following him and he can't tell me who they are. I just found out he was arrested for domestic violence and the other guy has a restraining order on him. He also missed a court hearing for his son and no one has a clue where he is now... How do you cope with all if this how do I find peace of mind?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome Starshine. I wanted to say hi and to respond briefly. I will return later when there is more time. I am so very sorry this is happening. I hope that there is news soon from your son, and that he finds a place to stabilize and to receive help

    Nobody could cope with a story like this. Everybody and anybody with a heart would be devastated and in pain, worried sick. We would all be like you, lost, stunned, and not knowing where to turn and what to do. I think this is a normal and natural response to these circumstances.

    I am glad that you found us. I believe that posting here is one way to find clarity and direction. By posting we put into writing what you feel and think, and you are able to build strength and endurance. For me it has been enormously helpful.

    Right now as I see it you can do little if anything for your son. He will likely run into authorities one way or another either hospitalized or picked up. And if this happens there is the possibility of treatment. That his son was taken, while horrible for your son, was likely the best for the child, as you are aware.

    The reality is that over your son's situation and your grandchild's you have no control. Great worry and agony, but no control. And this is what all of us here have in common and what brings us together. Right now is the time to get support. Whether through a 12 step group, a therapist, a spiritual community, or being with friends, like the people here, who understand. We do have control over what we do to find support and to center ourselves in our own lives.

    The thing that might help is to remember that this is one moment in time. Your son is at his worst. We have no way to know what will come next. There are all kinds of services available for adults in crisis, depending upon where you live. Everywhere has recovery programs, short and long term. Right now son is disoriented, destabilized and fearful. This is what happens to people on the street who are mentally ill. My son is mentally ill and homeless, too. And in my work I worked with men and women in these circumstances. There is always a place to come in from the cold. Most people do.

    The hard part for us as parents is that we put ourselves out there with them, mentally. We do not have to go there. It does not help. A kinder choice is to try to find solace. So that we are better equipped to better cope.

    Others will be along soon. Weekends are usually slower.

    Welcome. Please be kind to yourself today. I will try too.
  3. Starshine22

    Starshine22 New Member

    I'm sorry this has taken so long to get back to you. Thank you so so soooooo much for your beautiful note. I read this and cried my eyes almost out it was exactly how I was feeling I'm so sorry you are experiencing the same thing. I was placing myself there with him my mind was racing with fear for him. It made me realize at the same time you are right there is nothing I can do to help him and putting myself is such distress is not helping me or my family there is none any of us can do we have all tried everything . As you know the first thing you do is blame yourself what could I have done differently or better but mental illness is not any of that it just is. I do see a thearpist I have an appointment with him Friday. I randomly get moments of panic stricken fear for him and get overwhelmed by it. He's 1,500 miles from me I have begged him to get help he refuses to take any kind of medicine and he refused therapy any kind of help. He married in January by April it was over. He could never hold down a job for any length of time. I don't think it was he didn't want to work he was not mentally capable of it.

    I'm a Christian I pray all the time for him I had a friend tell me to put it at God's feet and leave it alone don't go back to it I couldn't do it until this past Monday and it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders he's in God's hands now. I will pray for you, your son and your family.

    Thank you so so much for all your help.
  4. beebz

    beebz Member

    Hello Star . *hugs* HUGE HUGS ! huge warm sobbing hugs and then a big squeeze of your cheeks to tell you that you are going to be OK. I am in the same position as you. I can sometimes give advice better than I can take it, or listen to it. It is just how God made me. I will give you all the time you need and in the end I feel better when I don't think of myself. Am I on a pity pot? because I feel like you with the "how to cope" issue.

    There have been some posts here that have said things that God plays over and over and over in my head every single day. One is something like -I will not let my life feelings emotions and happiness be held hostage by _____ any more ! ! !
    I am going to live my life. M--- is an adult and he has played me for the final time etc etc etc.

    Then, there are the bad days; and when I have a bad day it turns into a bad week, a bad month, a bad several months and then I feel like I didn't really have any good days at all.

    Things and coping is easier said than done. I can't shut my heart off to this adult man who is still a human and should not be dismissed in life. I believe my son has multiple mental disorders also, and he was diagnosed with them clinically also; but he only wanted to take the drugs that got him high and I could not dole out his medication like he was a widdle baby and I was changing his diaper and spoon feeding him. Also because that came with the additional worries of him ransacking my home looking for the hiding spot, asking me for "more", trying to tell me I forgot to give him his medication, telling me I am old and forgot, blaming me, the stress of it all on me, the snowball effect of giving him his medication was a huge poop-storm - not fair to me !

    I don't know what to say to you - I wish I could take away your grief, your pain your stress, your peace of mind. I can't physically or magically do that. I can only pray, hope, beg, close my eyes and ask my god to give you some peace, some calm, some rest, some new ways to cope (a puppy) lol, a good joke. Some tasty food - your favorite candy ! The flowers, creeks, waterfalls, sunshine, moonlight, whispering breezes, glittering stars at night, learning how to use a telescope and seeing Saturn's rings (I did Saturday night) -
    flying kites, so dang fun, you get the picture I hope - find the gifts that are right under your nose and mostly free.

    I have you in a prayer of mine - regards - ~Beebz

    Ps - sorry for the scatterbrain posting -
  5. Starshine22

    Starshine22 New Member

    Thank you so much for this lovely note. No worries with your post it was great. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone in this that there are so many of us going through the same thing. I understand your head spins with all crazy thoughts but I have had to take about 10 steps backwards and just breath I felt like I had stopped there for a time. I'm so sorry you are going through the same thing. I know it's out of my hands I can't rescue him I never could I can only rescue myself that's a hard pill to swallow some days as you know, excruciatingly hard some days. I was blessed to be a stay at home Mom so I was there for him and his brother there 22 months apart he's the older one. I made sure they had a fun filled childhood truthfully I was a young Mom 22 and I had as much fun as they did. I was thrilled when school was out for the Summer and cried when September came. I always kept them close to me I love being a Mom. I think back and he was always laughing having a grand time my yard was filled with kids. He was always so funny with a contiguous laugh you couldn't help but laugh right along with him. Mentally illness took him away I really don't even know who his is now it's ravished him. He came to see me two years ago he looked older then me I thought his life was taken it's toll on him he was tetering back then but he wasn't homeless. It's so hard on all of us I do understand it's a horrible helpless feeling but taking care of ourselves I'm learning is critical to this whole process and being in thearpy has been a God send for me I'm hoping for a miracle because so much can change in one day at the same time I have to be realistic and have been waiting for the phone call for some time now that he's gone then I think they all live such a tortured tortured life maybe that's the blessing in all of this..

    It's difficult no doubt and I pray and pray and there are moments I can feel his heart beating I feel like I can feel him. But Copeabanana was right I had to remove myself from being right there with him that's to heavy a burden to carry I've picked myself up brushed off and have carried on trying to enjoy my life the best that I possibly can and just deal with today it's all we have... Flying a kite that sounds like a fabulous idea! Thank you again for your note...