Quick update


Well-Known Member
My marriage has cycled back to the "calm" phase. I am still here. Thank you for all the supportive words of encouragement. They help a lot. It is embarrassing to be in this situation.

No communication from DS as usual.

YS is back in school, and we have a meeting there later in the week to discuss his evaluation. From the tone of some correspondence that is going back and forth, it seems like he, unlike DS, will actually be receiving an IEP from this district. As of now the plan is that we will attend this meeting.

YS has already missed a day of school not one full week into the new semester. We have to do all that we can, but "given the givens" as an old therapist of mine used to say, I don't think that anything will change. We offered YS another way, to live with us, and he refused it. He is back in his comfortable prison.

Dad will keep enabling these boys, and they will continue to take full advantage - both of them. At least YS will have some extra support, or so it seems, for the remainder of his days as a public school student, which I honestly think are limited. I think he will drop out or follow his brother's lead into the world of "online" (non-existent) school.

I think online school does work for some children, but these two are just scam artists.

YS is no longer dating the girl who saved his life. Apparently they are in contact and consider themselves "friends". I do not know the situation, who ended it, or anything else, but YS is stubbornly refusing to grow or change from his near death experience, he wants life to continue exactly as it was before his attempt, and for everyone to just forget about it. Literally nothing has changed from September 4, except now he cannot walk and has cognitive disabilities. She is a young girl, and she has issues of her own. So I am glad she moved on and that YS is accepting it, apparently.

YS is no contact with his grandmother and very limited contact with my wife.

Thanks all for being here and listening.

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
Wow. I am gobsmacked that YS wants to continue to live with his father. I'm glad that the two of you offered an alternative. Do you think that his lowered cognitive level is part of the reason for that decision?


Long road but the path ahead holds hope.

I am glad that hints have calmed down for you. Remember nothing changes is nothing changes. Be good to yourself and get some supports in place.

I hope the relationships continues to remain calm and loving for you.

How difficult it is to watch the train wreck and be unable to help. I know this feeling.

Big hugs and good luck with the school meeting.


Well-Known Member
Staff member
It sure is interesting how this has evolved.....odd, but not that surprising considering what you've shared about your wife's ex and the grandmother and how the boys are being enabled by the ex.

I hope you feel calmer and more centered...... you sound better...... perhaps the best case scenario is that now you know where the chips have fallen and hopefully, as the dust settles on this episode, you will gain more clarity, more balance and a new sense of what the truth is for you and what the next step is.

It's been a brutal few months for you.....take good care of yourself.....


Roll With It
I am glad your marriage is in a more calm state at this point. I hope that YS gets some supports in his IEP. It sure sounds like he needs them.

You may need to prepare yourself for your wife to be more upset and to be less calm, to take more out on you, during or just after the IEP meeting happens. Especially if she is essentially cut out of the process by either the father or the school. I don't know how likely that is, but I know it can and does happen in some divorced families. I hope this doesn't happen to you.

In many ways, it sounds like the next few years of YS life are shot. He will have to make some big changes to have anything different happen. I doubt your wife could or would force him to live with her. Even if she could, it might be terribly unsuccessful. Sometimes there just isn't an option that is workable. And that just truly blows.


Well-Known Member
Pigless, sadly, while YS does have some memory and attention issues, his desire to stay with his father is genuine. YS and DS have it "made" where they are. There are no rules or expectations, they do exactly as they please and there are no consequences or accountability. Drop out of school? Fine by their father. Use drugs? That's okay too. Sleep til noon and refuse to work? No problem! What teenager wouldn't want that kind of life? And what teenager would exchange it for a life of rules, supervision, consequences and accountability, especially with a parent about whom they feel ambivalent at best?

It was always a fantasy that YS would choose us over his dad. But it was necessary that we make the offer, for him and for us, and we did, and he refused, and now we have to move on.

Susie, thanks for the insight re: my wife possibly blowing up from the stress of this IEP meeting. I agree and I will do my best to be "bigger, wiser, kinder and stronger" in the moment. I plan to walk away once the next argument gets heated and stay away until she is calm.

And I also agree that YS will need an epiphany to move forward into the kind of life we would prefer him to have (that of a productive citizen with good self-esteem, the ability to self-regulate and self-manage, along with having a decent education and employment prospects). The more likely outcome, especially given his disabilities now, is that he will live with his father well into adulthood.

As my new signature says I am focusing on me.


Well-Known Member
It’s very sad that YS is back with his dad, and nothing seems to have changed.

Glad things are going better between you and your wife. Maybe at some point you can get her to go to marriage counseling? You don’t want to live the rest of your life waiting for the next big blow up.

Has she given medication a chance?


Well-Known Member
No wisdom to add, just to say what a journey you've all been on. Enjoy your moments of less drama. And I hope the new year has far less of it.