Reading all the Va Tech stuff

[AK0603]

Makes me feel so sad for all parties. I know that the boy who did the killings was on medications and came to USA 15 years ago I believe, but they do not say (or I haven't seen) any talk of parents.

I read he was talking of suicide, drawings and writing were morbid, and I start to wonder, my difficult child does that kind of thing. He's been suicidal, he draws morbid things depending on his moods as well. Some days it's "war" other days it's been the family...I can't help but wonder if something like that could be me one day, with a son who just lost it? Scary, and although he gets tons of help, it's just a thought that does cross my mind.

Am I alone in this? I feel bad to even think it.

 

[Loris]

I think that goes hand in hand with the saying " therefore by the Grace of God go I" or something to that effect. Look at Janet's post today about a standoff. I have been involved in much of a similar situation such as that with my oldest. Two police chases, to be exact. Any of us have children capable of anything, which is why we try so hard to help them. And as Fran said in a post I just read about jails, it's also for any number of reasons. It's horrible, but true. All you can do is to try to continue to seek help and get answers for your son. Just the facts as they are.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Amy,

many times when you hear in the news about someone who has done some terrible dead, a mental illness is revealed. I believe that parents all over the world who parent difficult child kids are given pause by these stories.

As Loris said, we stay in the fight and do our best to help our troubled kids find their way in this world. There is so much potential...........


Sharon

 

[Sunlight]

when Columbine happened, I thought of ant and his antics and how much trouble can come from them.
just as with Columbine, I wondered about the parents of the shooter. I felt sorry for all involved. both sides.

 

[AK0603]

I know I read where a teacher begged him to go into counseling, so obviously he wasn't going. But you do wonder about the parents and how they are feeling? Did they try and help him and just give up? Or they didn't know what else to do? He was in a hospital previously as well.

It's just scary to me.

 

[BusynMember]

I felt a sick chill when I heard this. Obvioiusly, this boy was mentally ill. His dorm mates had expressed concern about him and they had been ignored. I don't believe any of our kids will go that far, although you never know, but we can't think that way. My prayers are with the poor families who lost loved ones, and the family of the child--they will be vilified worst of all. I'm sure they loved their son and wanted to help him. After age 18, there is little a parent can do about treatment, even if they are in college and on the parent's dime. I doubt a counselor would have helped--he sounds too far gone--however, a counselor may have alerted the police or hospital that he was a danger to others and gotten him help before he totally lost it. Very, very sad. Very, very depressing.

 

[Nancy]

I've thought about this a lot. husband and I both agreed there was a time when we would not have been surprised to find out our difficult child was involved in something terrible, maybe not to this extreme, but close. That got me thinking about this parents and wondering if and when they thought the same thing. I don't think they could have been surprised at this news, although shocked and terribly sadened I'm sure. They are in an undisclosed location, I'm sure for their safety.

Look at how hard it is for us to get help for our kids. So think how much harder it would be for parents who speak no english to find what little help their is. According to his roommates, he saw this young man's parents only once when they dropped him off at school in the beginning of the year and they never came to visit and he never went home and there was never any known telephone cotact. That tells a lot.

I asked my husband if our difficult child was exhibiting those signs if we would have notified the school and we both agreed we would have. Hard as it may have been I think I would have sensed something terrible waiting to happen.

This is a tragedy of enormous proportions. Looking at those pictures he sent NBC, I have seen many exactly like this on the myspaces of aquaintances of difficult child. We have a neighbor who I would nto be surprised at all if he would do something similar some day. We need more help for mentally disturbed people. Even when teachers and roommates and fellow students turned him in, nothing helped.

Nancy

 

[slsh]

Guess this is a topic in a lot of our homes. My heart goes out to Cho's parents - they are dealing not only with the grief of the loss of their own son, but also the unimaginable grief of knowing their son caused the same pain for 32 other families.

None of us can know what challenges they faced and I do not for a second think the question can be asked here "where were the parents?" This man was a 23 yo adult, living on campus, sending up enough red flags (in hindsight) to worry professors and peers who were on-site, and yet he was still able to carry out his plan.

There were two cases in the last year or 2 of universities who "uninvited" students to return because they were being treated for depression. There's a slippery slope here - are we going to deny college educations to all students being treated, or *not* treated, for depression because of some vague, unsubstantiated potential for violence? Are we going to penalize those who *do* get treatment? Who has the wisdom to determine which adult is truly a danger and which isn't? And realistically, until Monday, Cho didn't demonstrate anything more than very seriously odd behavior. He had already been evaluated, and released. Had he not committed this crime, none of us would have ever known of him, he would more than likely have continued to not receive treatment, he would have graduated and moved on.... how many other Cho's are in our communities, disturbed people who haven't (yet) committed violent acts? Do we force lock up because of the potential? That's not the standard of treatment today and I think it's unlikely that standard will or should change.

How many of us have gone to school offices with- concerns about their kids' potential for violence, and how many of us have been brushed off? And how many of us have kids who at one time time (or more) have been judged a "danger to themselves or others" yet they're not in a locked facility today?

As with Columbine, this is a "there but for the grace" moment in our home. More than with Columbine though, it has brought home to husband and I that in a few short years, our ability to intervene, seek, demand treatment for thank you will be cut off. Our ability to protect him and protect the community will be extremely limited.

I don't know what the answer is, weighing the rights of "adults" to self determination, knowing that severe mental illness in my humble opinion almost cancels out appropriate self determination, but also recognizing that without overt signs of imminent danger, a parent's gut feeling about the health of their adult child's mental state is not going to get any attention from anyone.

It's just an incredibly tragic and sad situation.

 

[lordhelpme]

husband and i had this discussion also. we can only do what we can. i do think though that there should have been more done for this young man but the bueracracy got in the way.

 

[Steely]

You are not alone - it is a fear that has plagued me since my difficult child was a little guy. I would go to bed at night crying, worrying that I was going to have to visit him in jail for a horrendous crime one day. I still worry about it, but try and project positive images towards his future. This Va thing, however, has caused all those fears to resurface.........aaaggghhh! I am with you - it is a haunting, horrible fear that none of us like to admit - but I guess we can only try and remain positive.