Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, May 5, 2009.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Ya'll I am trying so hard to redirect. Yes my hubby and I had fun. It was glorious. I went to the beach all by myself after I dropped him off at the ballfield. Divine. I appreciate all of your wisdom. Witz - I did remember what you have told me at the end of your posts - set yourself free - I did feel it. It is pouring rain here now - sometimes I wonder if he is soaking wet or what - but I am trying to redirect and go get my sister something for her birthday. Somehow I hope it will all be alright. It is hardest I think for me at night. I think how darkness makes you feel sometimes. It is sad to be alone at night - so I think I will try and not worry about that and let my Higher Power help me - my hubby does too - he is so different than me - he doesnt worry about things like I do - thank goodness - I will go back and reread the posts again. (smile) I still need you guys though!
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Susan, I'm glad to hear that you're trying very hard to redirect.

    Worry is a very hard habit to break. I wonder if there's something you can do to help yourself. The rubber band around the wrist has already been suggested by several people.

    You say that night time is the hardest. Is there something you can do at night, during the time that you find most difficult to redirect? I'm thinking about something that you love to do. Something just for you, or something that you and husband love to do together. Maybe if you spend your time doing that, then you will have less time to brood about what your difficult child is up to. Focus on you, husband and your marriage. It's your turn to be the focus of your attention.

    Sending strength.

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Susan, you are not the first one who has worried about rain and cold and where are they sleeping. But your son is not a child and he is living his life how he chooses to. You have to let it go for both of you. Does your mother approve of every single thing that you did since you moved out of her home? Did you ever tell her to butt out (or want to tell her to butt out) when she told you about all of the mistakes you were making? Or maybe you did something just to spite her.

    I think that you have no idea of how powerful you are in your son's life. Your disapproval at his age is a mighty weapon that he is fighting against with rebellion. And where does your disapproval get you? While you have made improvements when you let things go, I don't see that anything you did or didn't do over the time you have been here has made one lick of difference in your son's behavior. Other than that at times you have enabled him in his drug seeking, which is not in either of your self-interests.

    I really was helped by doing counted cross stitch. It helped to break up my train of thought when I was obsessing. You start with a blank canvass and a pattern that has the different colored threads represented by different on a grid. Of course, just setting up the canvass and the threads takes about 2 hours. You have to count the symbols on the pattern, then count the holes in the canvass, and do that many stitches. It takes concentration, so you really can't get all involved in some other thought, and even if you find yourself doing that, you can't get up and make phone calls or whatever because you will lose your place if you don't stop at a logical stopping place.

    Please stop thinking about what he is doing and where he is doing it. I guarantee you that he doesn't give a rip about what you do for yourself or where you do it. Set yourself free.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am glad you were able to go to the beach and feel free. It is wonderful to hear you talk about looking for something for your sister.

    Keep working on redirecting your thinking. Witz is right that your son IS living the life he CHOOSES to live. Not the live he chose, in the past tense, but the life he CHOOSES, in the present tense.

    Every single minute, every single hour, every day, every week your ADULT son CHOOSES drugs over life. It IS very hard on you, I know it is. But he has POWER with this choice. He KNOWS you agonize and worry and that gives him tremendous power over YOUR life and the lives of all your other family members, esp your easy child and husband. Some part of him RELISHES that power when he thinks about y'all at all.

    I think a new project would be extremely useful, esp one you can do at night. I am a HUGE testament to the fact you can cross stitch at night - for several years that was the ONLY time I could do it because toddler hands and needles don't go together so well, LOL.

    Get a project, if not cross stitching then something else. ANYTHING to take your mind off of the destruction of the drugs and into something constructive.

    Get a kit and stitch the Serenity Prayer. Or another prayer, or motto, or just something you find pretty. Take up painting, bake all night, whatever takes your fancy!

    And keep snapping that rubber band - it takes a while but it really does help!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, stands. You're doing great.

    Remember that drug addicts are way more concerned with the next fix than the elements. He is choosing to live this way, and he is more concerned with staying high than staying dry (haha--I'm a poet and didn't know it!) :tongue: He is also probably not alone. One thing drug users are is pack animals.

    Your son is a well-honed con artist, as are all drug addicts. If he wants to be dry, I'm sure he has some "friends" who will give him shelter. I promise you he isn't afraid of the dark. He's not that little boy you thought was so cute when you sent him off to kindergarten. He is a grown man (and at his age, he truly is) and he is deciding how he wants to live. He doesn't want your shelter, food and guidance OR your help (except when it comes to money for drugs). He wants his drugs. Have a good time with the rest of your life. Don't let him take you down with him. He is your son and you did your eighteen years--he is no longer your responsibility.

    Great that you had so much fun with your hub! Let him spoil you on Mother's Day and be sure to appreciate your child who has tried so hard to live a good life and make positive life choices. You will never forget your difficult child, but don't let HIM control YOU. YOU sure don't control his thoughts.

    Have a nice day :D
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Rushing a bit...
    but saw some "key" words that I thought were interesting, starting with the word "redirecting."

    It is one of the words I used in a recent post. Did you see it? Did you get the idea there? This would warm my heart.

    Redirecting is a very important tool in all of this. If you are a teacher, surely you know that if your mind is busy in a different place, you (or your student) can not be thinking (or obsessing) about another issue. Often times those issues are not healthy for the individual. So, redirecting/distracting is a healthy tool. No reason not to do it for ourselves. So, finding things that we LIKE to do pays off in a major way.

    Cross-sitch. Folks have told me that this has actually helped them lose weight! Exercise!!! Can't beat this! Walking is always a great choice. It is easy on the body. If you can do it early in the morning, you will get the added benefit of early morning sun, which might help with Vitamin D...anti depression benefit there. (by the way, you can take a D3 tablet if you walk inside at a gym, etc. it has helped me and many others when under too much stress and feeling down).

    Also, I agree with- the others....nuruture your relationship with your husband. He sounds like a good man. Put energies there.

    Sadly, from what I have read and listen to and recently observed with daughter's semi boyfriend....UGH....drug addicts are con artists extraordinaire.

    You actually HELP them when you refuse to play the game. With both of my children, enabling was detrimental. (Re-read 100x).

    husband has often filled in for missing "others" at times. Birthdays, mothers day, etc. It is okay. Perhaps there will come a time, when you will do something like this for another.

    When the going gets tough...even if your spiritual side is limited...surely you can say a little prayer.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    You all are so helpful. difficult child did go for a job interview with the man that has hired him 3 times and also fired him that many. MY husband took him. I can hardly be around him much. I feel very anxious when I am. Anyway, the guy is going to hire him again - so it is being said. The problem then lies with how he will get there. He seems to think a guy will let him live at his house for sixty five dollars a month! Bizarre. So we will see. It all seems so crazy with no planning. I did tell difficult child that he could not come to our home high, with drugs on him or looking for drugs - even alcohol. If he did he would leave. I believe he cannot ever come back. He doesnt come to see us - we are a stepping stone. That makes me sad but I am redirecting my thoughts. I will take your advice and set myself free. I love the way that sounds. Ya=ll just keep praying for me. I lost my mother about 4 years ago and I miss her very much. My daughter got me the sweetest present - I am watching her dogs for them while they are out of town this weekend. I love her so much and everyone else in my family too. My easy child son works at the movie theater and we are going to see a movie on Sunday - free! I think we will see the one Matthew McConaghey is in!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, Happy MOthers DAy!