Reposting from "Family of Origin"

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I had posted on another forum, and it was suggested to post this here.

    My DGD is 15, we adopted 10 years ago. Biomom has secretly told her she is moving back to our state and town this month. DGD told me yesterday all this, and that she is moving in with her when she turns 16. She must think that she can do what she wants at that age! Just like she thinks now! Maybe she thinks it is like divorced parents, and the teen can finally decide who to live with...

    I told her that if she gets court approval, then she can do what she wants. It gets her to drop the argument and puts it back on her plate. I told her I will not be held legally and financially responsible for her or her actions if she isnt living here.

    I don't think the court would think she is capable of being she just finished a 6 month court services for sneaking out of our home and hiding out (with help of her boyfriend) for three days. The court imposed a no contact order for the two of them. Fast forward, she completed the requirements of the court order, and now everything is dropped. And, boyfriend is now 18... She is 15. I have called the judges clerk and asked for help reinstating the no contact, I have called DGDs court services officer, who can do nothing, because the court has dropped everything.

    He did mention that if they are over 18, he could tell me if they are on probation. So I asked, is boyfriend on probation? Yep, and he gave me the PO name. I called him and told him what was happening, and he said to go to the police, and he could have something to work with.

    I have talked to the principal at school, who has talked to security at school, and they have boyfriend and DGD on tape at school, and boyfriend can be arrested for being at the school.

    I called the social agency that is following with us for 6 more months, and asked them about our situation. The police won't give me a no contact order unless DGD goes with me to request it. She won't. Plus, if she did, she can break it when ever she wants, it is only binding on the boyfriend.

    We saw DGDs psychologist last night and she spoke with me for about 10 minutes, she told DGD that she would not reveal anything that I don't already know about. Luckily, I know lots, but DGD thinks I am just a stupid old lady. But the psychiatric slipped (Fruedian slip?) and mentioned that DGD had bailed boyfriend out of jail!!!

    I was hoping that knowing he could be charged with indecent liberties with a minor, they both would put things on hold til she is 16...4 more months...

    I have enough info to go to the police...but I keep waiting for her to come to her senses. But I don't think it's going to happen. But this will probably hurt our relationship for the future...not that we have much of one now.

    And this is why she wants to move in with rules, inappropriate boyfriend would be fine with her. Heck, she would probably hit on him too!


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  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry. This all must be breaking your heart. I'm thinking the more that you fight with DGD on this issue, the further you push her away.

    I wouldn't ordinarily say that you should allow a minor to self-destruct this way, but your case seems to be different to me. Having biomom in town really throws a monky wrench into your lives.

    It may be a good idea for you to contact a family law attorney. Since you are legally her mother, what repercussions will fall on you if she moves in with biomom? Have you actually spoken to biomom? Is there any chance that biomom really doesn't want the girls living with her? Is there any chance that biomom might agree with you about the older boyfriend? It might be worth having a powwow with her. Maybe, just maybe, she is older and wiser and can wrap her mind around the inappropriate part of the boyfriend.

    The other thing that I think you really need to hear is that DGD may be pulling away from you now, sowing her oats. I honestly believe that after she experiences life with biomom, that she will realize how much she misses the stability, those rules that she now hates, and the love that you have provided her. At 15, she doesn't yet understand how those infernal rules are meant to keep her safe. All she sees is the restrictions on her freedom. She is too young to comprehend the necessity. She doesn't understand yet about guys using girls. She doesn't understand how she is ruining her own future.

    Argh. :919Mad:
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    ksm, I just had an idea. Please don't throw tomatoes at your computer and feel free to reject this idea. You will not hurt my feelings one iota. I like to toss out all ideas because once in a great while, the out of the box ideas are the winners.

    What if . . . you and husband accept the inappropriate boyfriend. (I personally agree that he's a loser.) What I am thinking is that IF you agree that she can see the boyfriend with supervision and limitations, would she then be willing to continue living with you instead of biomom? She is stuck on him, because he is taboo. If he's not taboo anymore, maybe the relationship will be short-lived. And if she is still living with you, you can still monitor things like birth control, grades, and other potential issues for her. She could still learn important life lessons from you. Maybe allowing her this one true love (which we all know is more than likely not) will allow you some measure of control in other areas. Maybe it's a worthwhile concession if you gain elsewhere.

    Ducking the tomatoes now. :bag:
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Pigless- we tried that almost a year ago. We invited him over and told him they could see each other but only with our knowledge and permission. Time together would be spent in public places, like the mall, or movies, or at a home where parents are. He agreed. One week later, we were on spring break, in the next state over, and he started calling and texting DGD that an old girlfriend had got back in touch with him, and she had a baby, and it might be his, and he was moving her into his moms house with him. DGD was a basket case. She was 14!!! And no girl that age should have to deal with that! Then this baby mama went back to previous boyfriend and ended up pregnant again! And the same two boys were still trying to figure out if they were the baby daddy to either child!

    Plus this guy uses meth, drugs, alcohol. Is on probation for several offenses, including assaulting one of the last girlfriends... KSM
  5. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I agree you should find out the entire story on bio-mom. I have seen over and over, and had this happen personally, where the absentee parent will make promises and dangle the carrot of coming back into their kids' lives and then never follow through. It is sad, and it just keeps kids stunted in this never-ending limbo. They cannot help but idolize the bio-parent and hope "this time" their parent will come into their lives again. Many times these kids don't even really know their missing parent and have this fantasy of an ideal relationship with them. They seem "perfect" - bc you can't make mistakes if you aren't around - so that is who they want to be with. And these poor kids stay on this rollercoaster of raised hopes that end in the rug pulled out from under them over and over again. Just because DGD "says" this is what bio-mom is promising, and perhaps she even is, that doesn't mean bio-mom will actually follow through. And what is so often maddening and unfair is how these absentee parents keep these already struggling and damaged kids from moving forward with their "today I feel like being a parent, tomorrow I won't" games. Just a thought...
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is complicated, more than most adopted kids, because her bio. Mom is your daughter and they know each other. She can do what she wants to do at 18. Complicated. Boyfriend sounds terrible.
    I hope you can come to a suitable solution. Do you have any relationship with your daughter at all? Any chance of getting her to agree with you?
    (Sigh) difficult for sure and really hope for the best. You have tried so hard for your kids.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Bio-mom is ex-daughter-in-law. Oldest granddaughter isn't even ksm's son's bio-child. And this bio-mom is... beyond belief.
  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    I will preface this with I can be a real *itch, but I will tell you I would do exactly what you are doing. If the man is over 19 I would go to the police and I would sign whatever complaint against him I could. I would make sure that the school is very aware of the situation and that your wishes are that he be arrested if he meets your child on school grounds.

    I would also stick with telling her that she is welcome to live with bio if she files for and gets legal permission to do so.

    The thing is, since you have legally adopted her bio has no more legal rights as a parent than any other stranger on the street.

    Now I'm hoping I get these details right, I had a friend that kind of went through this with her teen.

    Since she is legally your child and a minor, you are legally responsible for her, even if she isn't in your home. If you give her permission to live bio you can also be held responsible for her financially, too. What you have to do if she leaves without legal permission or your permission is call the police. Every time, and make sure you tell them she does NOT have your permission to live/stay there.
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  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Well, the proverbial s#!t hit the fan last night. We let her leave with one "friend" for one hour... And she didn't come home, and would not answer phone, text or FB messages, even though I saw her logged on to her account. I called the police, and instead of coming here and talking to us first, they went directly to his house and picked her up. Supposedly, one office took boyfriend aside and one took her and the story they got was they wanted to "break up" in person. Yea, right. Don't believe it.

    Then, they didn't take her to JV or file an official report. But here would be a report on file in case this happens again. Yea, right.

    She sat there like she was incredibly put out, self righteous, unrepentant teen as if this was all nothing. I took the phone away. After she went upstairs, I got on computer, checked her texts and saw that while she was in the back seat of the police cruiser she was texting her undying love for him and how she would need him so much more than she ever did. Oh, and an apology to HIS mom... The one that doesn't care if underage teen girls are at her house partying.

    I am so done. I am going to print out her last two texts to him and have the police add it to their report! And then I am going to call his PO and report what happened last night.

  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Time hasn't helped bio mom at all. She could be the poster child for Difficult Child. 48 years old and still a mess. If she does come back to our county, and tries to help DGD get court permission to move in with her, I will notify the court that bio mom still has an outstanding warrant for her arrest from when she lived here over six years ago.

    She told older DGD she was moving back and going to get a house in the country and have a horse for them to ride.

    I know that at some point DGDs will be able to make their own disastrous decisions...but until that time I will be a major road block to hormonal stupidity. I am just hoping youngest DGD is not biggest fear.

    Oh, she has already been treated for a bacterial vaginosis three separate times in the last year. Dr. said it isn't a reportable std, but is usually spread by people who have multiple partners. Sigh...

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  11. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    This sums up my difficult daughter's entire teenage existence. I literally was the roadblock that kept her from completely wrecking her life. I always compared her to someone behind the wheel of a high powered car, no seatbelt, pedal to the floor, barreling toward a brick wall. I sat in the passenger seat and did whatever it took - pulled the emergency brake, grabbed the wheel, threw it in neutral - more times than I can count. I tried it a few times once she was an adult, but now I just refuse to be a passenger in the car.

    I would immediately have her put on birth control. I know a lot of people have a lot of different feelings on that, and some are afraid that it "gives permission" or "consent" to have sex. Kids like this don't want/need/ask for consent or permission for ANYTHING and sex is no different. I refused to have my daughter pregnant (and yes, we went through the HPV thing with her bc of multiple partners). This is JMO.

    I know it is hard to sit in that speeding car, seeing disaster around every corner just when you think you have hit a smooth patch. But I think you are doing the right thing by saving her from herself for as long as you can. We never know when somewhere down the line something we did will "kick in" and they will be able to direct their course with some sense and responsibility.

    Teenagers are hell. Wouldn't relive it again for anything, even as bad as she is as an adult - because now I can choose to get out of the car.
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Small update...the probation officer I had been talking to called yesterday and told me that he called the boyfriend and his mom, to his office and then introduced him to his new adult probation officer (the previous one was juvenile probation - they promoted him to the adult department!) and they also have a no contact phone calls, text, social media of any type and even third party messaging! Breaking this could put him in jail for up to 60 days.

    DGD is taking this hard. She pretty much did not leave her bedroom after coming home from school and refuses to respond to anything I ask.

  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    First love knows no reason. This has been true since the beginning of time. You are doing your best to protect your daughter. I don't imagine that she is going to be pleasant to be around anytime soon.
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh no Ksm, she must feel all Romeo and Juliet with this guy. 15, so young and confused and "loving" a bad boy. What a mess. How does anyone stop a stubborn, headstrong teenager from going down this path? I know from following along that you have done so much, including trying to accept this "relationship" with restrictions that have been broken.....UGH. How do you save someone from going down this road?
    Big flags and warning signs here. Is there some place you could take her, a domestic violence counseling center? I know that you tried a therapist. How worrisome to have this young teen involved with this young man.
    Yes, be the roadblock, her attitude is not pleasant, she thinks she is in love. Doesn't even realize the heap of trouble she is projecting for herself.
    Good for you!
    Good! I hope she has some friends who see the danger in all of this.....My Tornado at 14 was introduced to a 21 year old by a classmate. We had no idea what was going on. It was frustrating, no help from authorities. I am glad you were able to find backup for this. She is not going to like it, but too bad. Down the road, she may, or may not thank you, but you are doing the right thing.

    I am curious as to how her sister feels about all of this. Could this boy try to reach her through her older sister?

    Keep up the good work, I know it is exhausting.
    Take good care of yourself warrior Mom.


  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    New Leaf..older sister doesn't like this boy. She probably knows more about him than I do, because kids hear things around school, even though he dropped out over a year ago. Younger DGD doesn't seem to have any friends left. Older DGD said he is very manipulative and doesn't want her seeing other friends, even females. I saw one text where Difficult Child texted him that his last girlfriend's sister talked to her at school...and basically said that her sister was still involved with him. He responds..."why are you talking to her!" Difficult Child " I didn't! She came up to me!" "That's why I asked you... So you could tell me the truth."

    another time, she texted him that she could get a ride over to see him from Caleb... And he gets mad and says, I told you not to talk to him, I don't want you around him.

    I just found out Monday night that she helped bail him out of jail, but no details. Supposedly, she pitched in $150 to someone else, who bailed him out. And I know she has given him at least $20 three different times, by putting it under the back wiper of our van. I know she had $100 left of Christmas funds... So I don't know where she got came up with the rest. Don't know if she is stealing from us. We don't keep a lot of money on hand at all...

    I have broached the BC pills subject a couple times in the past week, but she vehemently says she is not sexually active... But there is a text that she made that she "wanted to make love again" and he responded "whenever you are ready, baby." And a text to him that she is "three weeks late" and he responds, "hell, yeah!!" I read that on Saturday, but Monday, Difficult Child called from school, saying she needed to come home and change clothes because she got her period... Yesterday she asked for Midol... She will deny sexual activity, because she knows he could go to jail. She actually admitted to authorities that they had had sex...she was 14 then. That was when the police first found her at his house, after sneak No out the window...

    Right now she is in the middle of a three week drivers Ed class, she has done the driving hours, just needs to get online and complete the study quizzes, then pass the test. I can't even get her to leave the bed and try to get this finished. $175 might go down the drain...

    I made an extra appointment next week with the psychologist...

  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she sneaks out again to see him, when she comes back, can you take her direct to hospital to do a statutory rape check? They might be able to come up with evidence. I don't know if they still do that check - they used to.
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    What a difference a school day makes...she and of the other girls involved with him talked at school today, compared notes, and it seems like he was lying to both girls.

    She was actually happy...said she is so over him, and now friends with the other girl, who is 14. wow... I wish this creep would spend time in jail. Which could still happen if I am aware of any contact!

    She came home, worked on drivers Ed online, now cleaning room...

    Not sure how optimistic I am, but if he contacts her in 6 months...jail time.

    An expensive lesson for her...all her Christmas money is gone.

  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Wow, Ksm, I read one post this morning and came home to the update. it is dizzying, to say the least........
    I hope she is truly over him, and this is not a ruse. Keep a close eye out, because of the history. I hope this creep will stay away, and your daughter realizes how he has used her.
    I think it would be good to keep the appointment. Just to be involved with a guy like this, must have done a number on her head and heart. Ksm, I am sorry, but can't help but wonder if maybe this guy introduced her to meth? Just concerned, have seen too many kids try it and get hooked, one of them being my daughter. It is a bad, bad drug........

    You must be exhausted......sigh. keep up the good work. Hopefully this will be a pivot point for your girl.

  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good time to celebrate "girl power" - us girls need to stick together, we don't do well when we get isolated, etc.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    today is girls day after all............