Revenge seeking

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Oct 28, 2010.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Tigger has always worried about being seen as 'weak' and talked about getting revenge on people who bullied him.

    He is now over the top with it. So far, it is just mean words and bullying behavior (yep, got to complete the circle :mad: ). IT NEEDS TO STOP.

    I'm sure someone on here had a difficult child go thorugh this phase (please, let it be a phase!!).

    I've tried telling him only the weak seek revenge. His teacher has tried telling him revenge isn't allowed at school. Nothing is working. Help!!!!
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's tricky, because a lot of it is caught up with an extreme sense of justice. "You did A, therefore I get to do B back."

    Social stories can help, if he takes it on board. But maybe what you need to do is take away the blame factor. We found that once you pull back from finding where responsibilities lies, it's easier for the child (eventually!) to get that sometimes bad things happen to good people and it's nobody's fault. Or it was an accident and the person who did it already feels bad (ie is already being punished, worse than anything you could do).

    It really takes a lot of social sophistication for someone to learn that the tit-for-tat stops here.

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmmm. I can see why you're worried. You could explain to him about Karma.

    Nichole had several kids in school who picked on her, taunted her.......didn't bully her only because she'd beat the tar out of them. But regardless they made many school years miserable

    She's noticed now that she is an adult that every single one of the kids who picked on her have turned out to be drunks, druggies, or worse. Now those kids were the popular kids in school, some of them honor students ect. She was a bit stunned. Then realized that Karma can sure be a *itch ..........and often kids who make other kid's lives misearable is because they're pretty messed up themselves (or their homelife is whatever).

    I was surprised to see this posted on her facebook page not long back. It was something I'd always told them as the kids were growing up, but they never believed me.

    Sorry I don't have any real answers except that. I feel for tigger that they've pushed him to the point where he feels like he needs to lash back at them. But the best revenge is to grow up and be successful at whatever it is he wants to do. A win/win for him.

  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I did go through this with difficult child and it pops its ugly head up when he is extremely upset. He sees the world in black and white rules - you either do things right or wrong - if you do something wrong, you need to get punished - if I don't see adults punishing you then I will because you deserve to be punished for doing wrong. You are not suppose to talk in class - the teacher will not tell you to stop so I will. You can not change the rules of the game - the teacher will not step in and make you follow the group rule at recess so I will.

    He was 12 at the time. His anxiety was running deep and he could not tolerate any rules being broken so he became the unofficial (unwanted) enforcer of the small school. The teachers and I were fully aware of it and kept a tight reign on him. Being a very small school, it was easier for the teachers to team teach and work with him one on one if an issue came up. I think just having all the adults in his life standing firm and together yet working positively with him really helped him get through. He did not want to be that mean person.

    There was no punishments - just redirecting and constantly talking about and working on coping skills. He acknowledged that he did not want to behave like that - it took a long time to overcome it - mainly because a medication he was on became a disinhibiter. I kept him on it knowing that it did this because it also helped him get through school - it held his anxiety down while he was learning how to cope and take control. Lots of tears on my part as I heard how mean he was. I really feared for his future. However, he took control of who he wanted to be and overcame this need for revenge. Sometimes it is a renewed little battle but he is doing awesome.

    Keep communications open - tell him that his strong will can help him do the right thing to be the person he wants to be. Share that being a strong person does not include getting revenge - help him find ways of expressing the situation and looking for solutions (tell a teacher, tell mom, ect.). My difficult child learned how to recognize when the anxiety/anger would start and to take action on that feeling before it got to the point of trying to seek revenge. He is learning that you can not make anyone stop what they are doing/saying - you can not control others but you can control your reactions.

    Journaling was something the teachers had him do - sit down and write about it. Write what happened.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    in my humble opinion, the solution to being bullied is self-confidence. If a child is confident within themselves, it's very difficult for the bullies to "target" them being they are not easily intimidated.

    I agree with Andy - redirect.

    And if you can, get him involved with something that he can really take pride in...preferably with a different group of kids.
  6. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    JJJ, when my difficult child has been bullied he will become highly frustrated and say he is going to knock so and so out ! He will run on and on about how he doesn't care if he gets in trouble, if the cops come, etc. I just let him get it all out and then recall some of my own childhood experiences of being bullied and how I handled out without violence. He has never acted on it only blows off steam and then feels much better. Has Tigger ever acted on a certain statement or threat he has made against another child ? If not, he may just be venting ....