Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by joneshockey, Aug 8, 2010.

  1. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    I just found out that I am pregant with my 3rd child... Quite a shock, since FF1 & I decided a long time ago that we were going to be done after B2. I am terrified what affect this will have on our family, since B2 is the baby and the challenging one... B2 still has sooo many agressive tendancies and I fear that I will be kicked or hit in the stomache. I have talked to his therapist about this and he is going to work with him about this as the baby's arrival gets closer and I start to show. I am also afraid to tell my parents about this baby because I think that they will blow a gasket, since they are well aware of the challenges we already face daily with raising a difficult child. FF1 has already played the "what if" game with B2 just to see what his reaction would be to having a baby sister/brother. He said that he would "run it over with the car" - at 3 1/2 that scares me a little bit (even though he has said that about his older brother too)... I know that it would never happen, but it still is conerning to me. I am going to mention it to the therapist when B2 goes back in 2 weeks. I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions of how to get children ready to accept a new sibling? Maybe books or other ideas. Thanks!
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There are books around the place, I've seen some. Golden books... I suggest you go to your local library and ask a librarian for help.

    I had a similar experience, I got pregnant with difficult child 2 when I thought I was past having any more children. There was a 7 year gap between the baby and the next child, and I was old enough to need amniocentesis. It was a problem pregnancy for me (although all mine were difficult in different ways). My mother did not "blow a gasket" but did advise me to have a termination; told me she didn't have that option in her day. I was hurt, because as I said to her, I was the youngest of 8 kids, the youngest by 7 years and was a change of life baby. Did she mean she would have terminated me if she had her time over? I made the mistake of confiding my distress in my eldest sister, not realising that our mother had for years lied about the true marriage year; my eldest sister was born only six months after our parents married. So both of us were upset by what Mum had said to us!

    If relatives of friends "blow a gasket" then tell them to back off. This baby was conceived in love and will be born in love. You will cope, because people do. I coped, despite being disabled. I wasn't thrilled with having my chance at finally having some time to do my own things, blown out of the water, If I had known difficult child 3 would turn out to be autistic - I'm glad I didn't know. But he is an amazing kid, and there have been aspects to parenting that I have found thrilling.

    Another interesting point - by the time we began to have problems with difficult child 3, I had already learned a lot with the previous three. And when difficult child 3 was diagnosed, it also pointed the way for difficult child 1. If it hadn't been for difficult child 3, I doubt difficult child 1 would ever have been diagnosed.

    Your kids are much closer in age than mine. easy child was in high school at 12, when difficult child 3 was born. I remember difficult child 3 attached to her as if she was his mother; when she saw a specialist about headaches when she was 14 and the toddler climbed up onto her lap, the doctor asked easy child if she had had the headaches during her pregnancy! Nope, that's my kid; he just thinks his sister is his mother...

    You have two boys. Maybe this time a girl?

    And maybe this time you can enjoy the pregnancy and the baby, knowing so much more this time.

    Congratulations! Just do what we did, tell people you have decided to raise the national average IQ.

    And if anyone says, "How did this happen?" just tell them, "In the usual way!"

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm so sorry that what should be joyous time has you plagued with stress and worry. You'll need to come up with a way (if possible) to ensure that B2 won't harm the baby pre- or post-natally. As an example, baby will need to bunk with you and FF1 rather than have his/her own room for awhile until you can gauge B2's reaction.

    I'm going to move this to General because it is most definitely difficult child-related.
  4. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    I am also concerned about telling my older sister the news as well because she has been trying to conceive for years and hasn't been successful... I know this news will probably break her heart! I am trying to stay as positive as I can, but wish that I could be happier about this. I guess the :Dbright side of all this is that I still have ALL my baby things, since I have been saving them for my sister! Marg thanks for your insight... I would NEVER consider abortion and am sad to hear what your mother's comment was. I pray that my mom doesn't react in the same way! I am probably going to wait as long as I can before telling any family. FF1 told me that we better hope for a girl, since I am already so out numbered by boys (the only other girls in the house is Holly & the rabbits)!
  5. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Congrats on the baby. It is supposed to be a happy time so I totally empathize with your situation. I am pregnant with a surprise after we felt done too. My mother in law was shocked at first but everyone is excited now. I hope everything goes smoothly for you when youd decide to tell everyone. Pregnancy is a stressful time for some mom's because of natural worries and those lovely hormones. It is natural to be concerned, totally normal for anyone. It's a big life change even when planned.

    As for the 3 1/2 year old injuring the fetus, I doubt it is likely. I don't have a link but recall a website I read that was a doctor addressing a Moms concern because she had fallen on her belly. The gist of it was that a baby is very well insulated and it takes quite a forceful blow to injure them, a blow that would injure Mom as well such as in a major car accident. You should ask your ob doctor to make sure. Althought your difficult child should not be allowed to kick at or hit you I don't think the risk of injury is as likely as you may fear. I would suggest some sort of rooming in or co sleeping arrangement until your difficult child gets over the normal new baby sibling rivalry that all youngsters deal with. My difficult child is 16 and I went through this with him, he did well but having a baby monitor in baby's room along with a lock on the door bought me piece of mind and some sleep. difficult child would never hurt baby diva and is excited about the one on the way but sometimes when he is having an episode the lock and monitor just help me feel more secure anyway.

    My baby is very active and rough plays a lot so I have concerns when my new one comes home. At 18 months she is far from a difficult child, just a busy kid who doesn't know her own strength. Our plan is to get one of those portable plastic play yards to put the new baby's swing or bouncer in. That way we have a barrier between the two if I happent to get up for some reason like filling a bottle or answering the phone.

    Lastly, I have read that if the new baby comes home with a special gift for the siblings it helps make them get welcomed. Maybe a cute note with To: difficult child from: your new baby brother or sister. Even though difficult child is young maybe he will feel important if you include him by letting him show how grown up he is by helping hold a bottle. Maybe even consider introducing the baby to people as difficult child's baby borther or sister instead of just by their own name. I think the most important thing is for difficult child not to feel left out or replaced. It's amazing how fast a jealous sibling becomes a protective "jr. parent". I also try to remind my difficult child of cute things he did when he was the same age so he can feel special too. (I know he's older than your difficult child but it really helped)
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Thank you so much for your concern about telling your sister. I am the infertile one in our family. The pain of hearing about my sister and sister-in-laws easy conceptions still twinges. And the guilt I felt for not being able to be happy for them made it worse.

    If you can, please tell her in private when she will have time to process before she needs to put on her 'game face'. This one will be hard on her since you weren't even trying.

    I'm sorry that this pg has happened when you didn't want it. I hope that once the shock wears off that you will be able to enjoy this pregnancy.

    I think it is pretty normal for 3 year olds to not want the new baby (I remember my nephew wanting to trade his brother for a puppy.) By the time the baby arrives, difficult child will be 4 and you can make a big deal about him being the big brother and getting to do things that the baby can't (go to school, go to the movies).
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Congratulations on your new baby!!!!!

    I completely understand your fears. It is very sweet and considerate of you to think about how you tell your sister. I am always amazed at the thoughtless ways people handle others' fertility issues, including their choice to have another child at any particular time. If anyone "blows a gasket", hang up the phone or leave. They have NO RIGHT to try to make you feel bad about having another child. If you don't want to do that, tell them that you are sorry they feel that way and are so small minded that they cannot be thankful that God has chosen to bless you with another child at this time. I have a friend with 12 children (all bio) and I have witnessed numerous times when people she knows or complete strangers who see her with her kids or ask if it is her first (stranger ask that, of course) and then try to make her feel bad because she has had so many children. Each time she looks at them and asks who they are to question when and if God blesses her with another child? People usually backpedal at that point, or walk away.

    Your fears are understandable. Wiz was 4 when Jess was born and we had started to see some of the problems, though not nearly all of them. He insisted right up until he saw her undressed in the hospital that I was going to have a T Rex, that it was a T Rex that he felt in my belly (can you imagine giving birth to a live T Rex, with-o the shell? OUCH!) rolling around. He had to pull the blanket open and watch as we pulled her little onesie off in the hospital before we could convince him that she was not just not a T Rex but also that she was not a boy. He kept asking when her "parts" were going to pop out and if he was born like that how old was he when his "parts" popped out! (It really was very cute - he was very concerned that she was broken or somehow missing a part, LOL.)

    By the time I was preg with thank you things were pretty bad with Wiz. We were already seeing a psychiatrist and trying medications. So bad that at one point I was advised to raise Wiz in a home as an only child. If only they had told me this BEFORE I was 7 mos preg with my 3rd child!! There were problems, I won't say there were not. But now that Wiz is an adult and has chosen to use the tools he has learned, all of my kids have a really good relationship with each other.

    Most kids go through a period of jealousy and adjustment, but even with a difficult child it CAN be handled. It will be a good idea for the baby to sleep in your room the first few months at least. After that a baby monitor will help, esp if you have one of those cool video ones. But even the audio monitor will be a big help. difficult children are not usually quiet when they are doing something they shouldn't. At least not when they are as young as your youngest will be.

    Whatever happens, we will be here with sympathy, empathy, and friendship. We will even offer advice and not be offended if it doesn't help or you choose not to use it!!!

    Do what you can to make this a special time for your boys. Let them share in things however is reasonable given their ages. Talk with them about it (closer to the due date, of course), have them do the hospital tour. Bringing a gift home from the hospital for the boys from the new baby is an excellent idea. Esp if it is something that really appeals to them.
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jones - congratulations on the new little one!

    I understand many of your concerns. My youngest was a surprise, at a time when my difficult child (age 6) was very unstable and we were fighting with- the "professionals" because they kept throwing behavior charts at us and we were far past that point. We were dealing with- a very violent kiddo (no diagnosis at the beginning of that last pregnancy). I also didn't dare tell my parents because... well, I just knew the news was not going to be well received. I finally had to tell my dad because he and his wife were coming out to visit and the beach ball belly was going to be impossible to hide. ;)

    I think you're in a better position because you're already identifying concerns - I knew keeping the baby safe would be a challenge, but it never occurred to me that difficult child would come after me/my belly. He did of course.

    I think it's smart to get your support team on board and aware of the situation ASAP so they can help you prepare difficult child. I wish I could give you concrete ideas, but we were in crisis mode pretty much the entire pregnancy so it was kind of a get-thru-the day time for us. I did keep Diva (the baby) with- me 24/7 after she arrived to ensure she would be safe.

    JJJ's advice re: your sister makes total sense to me. It sounds like a very thoughtful plan.

    I will tell you that from where I'm at now, almost 13 years later, Diva was/is a true blessing to us. Yes, the pregnancy was incredibly stressful as we tried to deal with- difficult child and get professionals onboard. Yes, I was very scared during the pregnancy, worried about the chaos I was bringing her home to, and certainly there were some tough times, but I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason. Diva is and always has been an absolute joy - and yes, it was wonderful to finally get another female in the house after all this testosterone, LOL.

    Congrats again!!
  9. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    Thanks Ladies for all your support! I am positive that I will be venting/sharing with you many things over the next 8 months. As far as my sister goes, I will have to tell her over the phone, since she lives in Utah and I live in Michigan - I am not sure when she will come home next probably not until the baby (if she is not too upset) or next summer. I have a funny story to share though... We just got home from one of our annual family reunions and we always bring trinkets and stuff to raffle off to help with the cost of putting on the reunion every year, well there is one aunt who always makes a baby blanket to raffle off. I got really excited when I saw it because it was really pretty and of course I now have a use for it too! Mom and I were talking about it and she wanted it to give to one of her nieces who is due in Sept. so I told her I would also put a few of my ticket in, just to increase our odds of getting it (LOL)... After she left the raffle area and wasnt looking, I went back over to it dumped the rest of my tickets in for it! I won it!!! My first baby item for the new little one:D! I hope my Mom doesn't ask me about the blanket anytime soon though... I am NOT ready to deal with her yet!
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You might want to wait until after first trimester. Just in case there are problems, you don't want to go through the hassle of telling everyone. I know a lot of celebs wait until after tat first danger period is past.

    As for your sister, it would be wonderful if she was able to have her own child at the same time as you. Even if she ends up adopting or fostering. I remember a close friend who was trying to have kids but had problems, at the time I got pregnant with easy child 2/difficult child 2 (none of my pregnancies were planned; I was using contraception for mot of them). I felt very guilty and stayed away form my friend once the pregnancy became obvious. With hindsight it probably wasn't the right thing to do.
    She did become pregnant a few years later then it was as if the way was opened and she went on to have three children.

    As for my mother's unfortunate comment - she also said to me that I should talk to another sister of mine who had a termination (I hadn't known). So I obeyed my mother and talked to that sister, whose advice was to NOT terminate, although she was still glad of her choice. But it was HR choice, she said. And she had no doubts. She said if there were any doubts, to not do it.
    I told Mum about the outcome of my conversation with sis, and Mum accepted my choice. Said that now at least it was a considered choice and she would of course welcome another grandchild. she was just worried about my disability and previous problems in pregnancy. She also apologised for her comment that she would have terminated - she said she had been glad of each and every one of us, but life was different back then.
    Besides, I realised afterwards she wouldn't have had time to think of termination with me - she was 6 months pregnant before she found out!

    Congrats on winning the baby blanket! And do make sure you take plenty of photos - there are few baby photos of me, I think the novelty had worn off. And coming from a big family, we did cop heaps.

    Some years ago when concerns were raised by our (then) government about Australia's population not growing, Aussies were told to have at least three children. "One for each parent and one for the country."

    See if that can help shut people up.

    Good luck telling your sister. Tell her first, but tell your mother immediately after.

  11. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    The only problem that I have with- waiting to tell people is that I go back to work tomorrow (school start yea for me - LOL!) and my Mom will be the one watching the boys for me, soooo how long do you think I can hide it from her? I have always told her right away with- my other to kids and the miscarriage that I had between B1 & B2. I have already been trying to avoid both her and my sister as much as possible, but now I will be seeing her everyday. I would LOVE to wait as long as possible to tell people, but we will see...
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You do what you have to do. Maybe you have to tell her ASAP to ease the stress. Because if you miscarry, again she will need to know.

    Good luck with it. And remember, we're happy for you.

  13. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    I want to wait to tell her hopefully until after my 1st doctors. appointment @ 10 weeks, which is in Sept. I will probably wait until a good time to tell too (unsure if there ever will be a good time, but you can hope). Part of the reason I think that she might flip out is because we are somewhat struggling financially, hence why FF1 is working 2 jobs...
  14. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Truthfully? If you and your husband are happy, who the heck cares about what anyone else thinks?

    Let me explain...

    A long time a galaxy far, far away...

    wait a minute...that's a totally different story!

    I was married for 5 years - I had been told that I couldn't have kids. BAM! difficult child 1 - closely followed by 2 and 3. The last week in October, they are all in consecutive age - this year will be 9, 10 & 11.

    So, the last was born in 2001. Miscarriage (nasty - it was a really bad one) 8/9/08 and then Evie was born 1/6/09. Eight years apart from the "last" one! To make the story even jucier: husband had JUST found a job the year before after 2 years of not working. I'm a type 1 diabetic so I should have been birthin' no babies, ALL by c-section AND when Evie was born (number 4) I was just about to turn 45.

    Relate THAT story to anyone that's going to give you lip - they'll back down and get supportive REALLY quick!

    Congratulations my friend! Be happy - we're here for you and if anyone picks on them remember not to consider their name for the new baby, whom we shall temporarily call BETH! (just kidding! lol! ;)).

  15. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    Beth you are too funny! I keep thinking to myself that I am getting too old (within a week of turning 34 when this one is born) to go back to the "get no sleep at night" again stage... Neither of my two boys slept through the night until they were 5-6 months old! They both had colic REALLY bad too - We had the "witching hours" from 5PM-9PM ever night (for 4 months straight!) where it didn't matter what you did (rocked them, walked them, bounced them, or swung them) they just screamed bloody murder. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this one doesn't do that... PLEASE be a easy child! I think as I get farther along in my pregnancy I will get more and more excited about it... I look forward to my 1st doctors. appointment when I should be able to hear the heartbeat for the 1st time too! FF1 really doesn't say much about the baby - I think maybe he is still in a little bit of shock still. We have talked a little bit about how we will need to rearrange things in the house to make everything fit, since we only have a 3 bedroom house. The boys already share a room, so that won't have to change except they will both have to move to the bedroom in the basement. Well, I should try to get myself back to sleep, since I have to start back to work in the morning (oh I guess it already is morning 3:03 AM - LOL).