See it over and over

[sooverit]

I see all of what I have to say over and over in these forums. I am glad (and sad) that I am not the only one going through this. I have a son who recently graduated highschool, turned eighteen, and I feel like I have no control. I would be lying if I said it just started. It didn't. He has been troubled for awhile. I have had him in counseling, psychiatrist, group counseling, etc. since he was about 13. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and clinical depression. At one point he was put on Concerta and Prozac together. It was a disaster. He got extremely depressed and suicidial. Quit all sports, quit caring. He has not been the same since, although he has been off medications for quite awhile now. Just recently I took him for an ADHD checkup. His grades as a senior n highschool were terrible and I was worried he would not graduate wth a low dose of plain ole ritalin he was able to turn it around.
He is currently on probation for fighting with an "ex bff" for hitting on his girlfriend. This probabtion includes drug counseling because he tested positive for pot. He did very well the first 3 months of probation stayed clean, etc. now he doesn't care, smokes pot daily. He has already tested positive once and just got a warning. Next time it will be bad. But he doesn't care, he wants his current doctor to prescribe pot for his depression. I couldn't believe it, I stood shocked while explaining his theories. Par for the course, his friends suck. I want to move him to a remote cabin in the woods until he comes to his senses. He has seen all to well what addiction does. My sister died an opiate addict. My husband is gone now because of alcohol abuse. I can't believe he would go down the same road. But according to him, "pot isn't bad. It helps." I don't even know what to do besides let the natural consequence of the parole happen. My heart is broken.

 

[bluebell]

Where do you live? Was he charged as a juvenile or adult? There are not many 'real' consequences for drug users in the states. Resources are overwhelmed here. My son has escalated to a drug trafficking charge because there has not been any consequence given by the court, either as a juvenile or an adult. I am not even sure there will be any real consequence to this felony, except maybe ruining his chances of a career. But I don't fret over that, I've gotten real, he's not capable of having a career anyway.
I understand how you feel, it's just sad I used to take my son's legal troubles seriously, but noone else does, so why should I? I hope your son does have consequences.

 

[Copabanana]

My husband is gone now because of alcohol abuse. I can't believe he would go down the same road.

Unfortunately that sense about marijuana is prevalent today, especially but not exclusively among our kids on this forum.

While we would hope that our children do not go down the tragic path of a parent, so often they do. I think they do so not just because of genetic proclivities but as a consequence of seeing and experiencing the downfall of a parent, and the sense of poor self-worth, abandonment, and trauma that comes from having a parent who self-destructed and carried their child with them *in spirit, or in fact.

The central problem for us is this, I think: There is not one thing we can do to change this. Thus we are traumatized by our own witnessing of all of this. Loving these kids, we are helpless to stop them. We ignore our own pain, focusing on theirs. We blame ourselves for not having stopped them; and even, for causing it all by our supposed lacks, faults, which we invent. And sometimes our kids are oh so willing to heap on. None of this is true.

I urge you to begin to focus upon your own needs and well-being. The most meaningful and effective intervention for your child will come from his own efforts, and experiencing the consequences of his choices.

I am sorry for the pain of this. Unfortunately, you are not alone in this. Welcome. Take care.

 

[sooverit]

Where do you live? Was he charged as a juvenile or adult? There are not many 'real' consequences for drug users in the states. Resources are overwhelmed here. My son has escalated to a drug trafficking charge because there has not been any consequence given by the court, either as a juvenile or an adult. I am not even sure there will be any real consequence to this felony, except maybe ruining his chances of a career. But I don't fret over that, I've gotten real, he's not capable of having a career anyway.
I understand how you feel, it's just sad I used to take my son's legal troubles seriously, but noone else does, so why should I? I hope your son does have consequences.

I realize it might not be the consequence I think he should have. I saw my sister get off time and time again until she died in a car accident while driving under the influence, which was her first charge. I have had custody of her kids for a long time. She was so intertwined in our life because of the kids. I always hoped my kids (that includes my niece and nephew) would see the pain it caused and not go down that road. 3 of the 4 did. My husband is in a long term rehab 9-12 months. I don't think he will be coming back. I hate all of this. I hate it is going to be legal, I hate it is so popular. I hate it all.

 

[sooverit]

Unfortunately that sense about marijuana is prevalent today, especially but not exclusively among our kids on this forum.

While we would hope that our children do not go down the tragic parents of a parent, so often they do. I think they do so not just because of genetic sensitivities but as a consequence of seeing and experiencing the downfall of a parent, and the sense of poor self-word, abandonment, and trauma that comes from having a parent who self-destructed and carried their child with them *in spirit, or in fact.

The central problem for us is this, I think: First. There is not one thing we can do to change this. And Second. We are traumatized by our own witnessing of all of this, as observers who love these kids. And are helpless to stop it. We ignore our own pain, focusing on theirs. And our own sense of guilt at having contributed to it (true or not), and/or our inability to stop it.

I urge you to begin to focus upon your own needs and well-being. The most meaningful and effective intervention for your child will come from his own efforts, and experiencing the consequences of his choices.

I am sorry for the pain of this. Unfortunately, you are not alone in this. Welcome. Take care.

I really wanted to focus on my well-being and that if my kids after my husband left, but I feel like my son just filled that space. I worry constantly about him. He has such a kind soul, loves animals, and wants to train them to be service animals. I hate to see him throw all those dreams away.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome Sooverit:

I read a sign outside a drug rehab/shelter that "addiction is a pre-existing condition".

That had so much meaning to me. Addiction runs in many families and we have to realize that it is literally an illness. It may start out as fun or social but many of our Difficult Child end up being addicted, the brain is changed and it's just not that easy to stop.

As parents we are thrown into a world we probably know nothing about and it becomes our entire life trying to fix and save them. Both of which we cannot do. All we can do is educate ourselves and that also is no easy task.

I hope that you have some type of support for yourself or even therapy can be helpful to help you navigate the course you are on. You are wise to let him suffer the consequences of his actions. That is a good place to start!

Keep posting here too. It will help you a great deal. With this forum and my therapist I have been able to stay sane.

 

[sooverit]

Welcome Sooverit:

I read a sign outside a drug rehab/shelter that "addiction is a pre-existing condition".

Thank you for your kind words. I am not exactly sure how I feel about this quote. I mean is it hopeless then? I smoked pot has a teen and young adult, but I turned it off like a light switch and never looked back. I never got in trouble though. I really hoped when he got in trouble initially that would be it. No such luck. Though his Dad was clean for many years it didn't take much to go back. Not to pot but alcohol. My father in law was an alcoholic as well, so maybe so. Where I was mad as hell with his Dad and my sister for the relpses and lies and excuses, all I am now is sad. It is so different with your child. For years I never thought pot was addictive, I really doubt that theory now.

 

[RN0441]

No, it is not hopeless. But it is something THEY have to want to do.

I also smoked pot in high school (a lot) and tried other drugs and drank. I did it with girlfriends and never alone. We laughed and had fun. I am NOT glorifying it but it's just what I did. I was not in a dark place with it. I never became addicted to any of it. My son did. That is the difference. I did not have anyone tell me what I was doing was dangerous because I lost both parents by the age of 17.

Now I drink socially but I do enjoy it. I have a great job and established home and marriage so it doesn't run my life. My son has not been able to do that. It DOES run/ruin his life. Until HE get it then he will not get better. The addictive gene skipped me and my older son but unfortunately it did not skip our youngest.

Our son is working on himself now but we forced his hand. I don't want to take away any credit for the hard work he seems to be doing this time but if not now, when?

I have had many processionals tell me that having addiction in the family is a precursor to becoming an addict which is what that quote means to me. It came true for us.

 

[BusynMember]

Scientific evidence supports this.

I have two adopted kids with serious drug use in the family and they were told repeatedly that drinking and using drugs, even to experiment, was okay for some people but not for them. They took it to heart. My youngest does drink socially, but not a lot. She knows it would not anger me if she used pot recreationally but insists she has no interest and never did. Sonic, age almost 24, doesnt drink or use drugs at all and avoids people who would try to pressure him.

I am lucky here...and relieved. I do believe a predisposition to addiction is inherited. At the same time it can be controlled or reined in. One way is to not indulge. An addict can also quit. Addicts quit every single day. It is not a fatal condition. There is actually quite alot of hope!!

 

[sooverit]

One of my adopted kids is absolutely intolerant to any kind of self destructive behavior. She is will call someone out in a heartbeat on any excuse they have for it. (Sometimes very harshly) she works hard and studies hard. The other is only 13, he is a smart, funny, and a little self conscious. I (maybe naively) can't see that in him. My second youngest is 15 and on the spectrum, he shows zero interest in anything like them. He gets very anxious when his big brother is in trouble and asks why to understand why the 18 year old does what he does. You an actually see him try and puzzle out why his older brother thinks things are worth the trouble.

I ask my self repeatedly if this is just a teen having fun like I did. But it seems to have taken over everything. He doesn't seem to care that when he goes to his court appointed drug testing that it is going to be positive. And the reason I feel like it is hopeless sometimes is because my sister never got clean from opiates, my husband clearly chose what was more important. I just feel like life has revolved around drugs and alcohol for so long that I will never be free of it.