Self blame is self pity?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just read this. Was reading a very interesting article about a totally different topic, but it was a thoughtful article. And this jolted me. I have felt self blame. After thinking about it, I agree that it is actually a lot poor me, self pity when I have done it. In the context of our kids, is it "Im upset that things are not the way I want them. I must not have done enough. I am a bad parent" self pity? I dont kow, in this context....just my thoughts.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Active Member

    I would agree. But as we are only human and in a crazy space with our kids, self doubt, blame and pity are natural emotional responses. We need to learn to recognize these emotions and not dwell on them for too long. When I feel this way I fall to the 3 Cannes to help me through. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why does society think parents are responsible for how our grown kids turn out? We have limited impact on them once the teen years kick in and very few kids decide to live their parents dreams. I feel DNA matters big time too...we have no control over the hand they are dealt in that department.

    Did it start with Freud? By now, we all know his theories have been proven wrong.
     
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Active Member

    Jung and Freud, there have been some pretty kookie theories. I think a lot of why we feel the way we do is Ego driven. We feel pride when our children do well, and shame when they do not. And the fact truly is we have no claim to any of their actions good or bad. We believe we do though.

    I had to learn to get over the shame and park my ego. I know now that what my son chooses to do is exactly that his choice. I can guide him through the process of how to get help but only he can embrace this.

    I choose not to live in his chaos and he must become self sufficient and carry on with his life. I choose to love him regardless (although some days that is easier said than done).

    I will support his efforts for positive change and self improvement. I will not enable him to make bad choices and harm himself. That is my right.

    We humans are funny creatures.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I did. I am completely guilty of blaming the parents. When it was my own son, I thought it had to have been us. I was too hard or to soft. I didn't pay enough attention to him. I didn't put him in sports. I should have monitored him more. Jabber and I spent too much time on our relationship and not doing things with him. We promised to take him to dig for diamonds in Arkansas and never did.

    Yes. He did drugs and stole from us, etc. because I didn't take him to dig in the dirt for Arkansas diamonds. Really.

    How ridiculous.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • List
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    When my son was sentenced to TJJD, the judge looked at me and said, " It is your job as a parent to control your child's behavior." Are you f*ing kidding me. I did everything I could to keep him from going down that path.
     
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'd say the judge was out of line, but judges are just people too. That's what the "lucky" parents think. They think if your kid is behaving badly, it's because you are a bad parent...ignoring them, or mistreating them, or setting a bad example. I was reading a news story about some kid who did something; stealing, drugs, I don't recall what, and the comment was made that the kid didn't come up with this stuff on his own, that he got it from home. Well BS. We are hard working, sober, honest people. We certainly don't lie and steal and get drunk or high and we've always made that very clear. We set a good example. We couldn't force him to follow it. What were we to do? Chain him in his room? Quit our jobs to watch him every second? Beat him?

    A parent can only do so much. But people with "good kids", who are good parents, think if you have a "bad kid" it's because you must be a bad parent.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lil, I did not take it very kindly. I had the audacity to ask the judge if I could control her behavior. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Her reply was along the lines of she could think for herself. I responded with.... so can he.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • List
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What about good people with a good kid and a difficult child?

    What about two negligent parents who raise teo good kids? It happens.

    The theory that we caused it makes NO sense.

    Pas, that Judge would have messed with my sense of integrity. I am not as good on my feet as you. I may have just cried. Partly out of frustration. But what you said back to her was profound, even if she didnt appreciate it. I appreciate it.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  10. StillStanding

    StillStanding Member

    I was guilty of this. Before I stared having problems with my child, anytime I heard of an out of control young person, I had the solution! "If that were my kid, I'd..."

    And, then, it was my kid. And, you know what? I couldn't change a thing. Leniency, tough love, punishment, negotiating... you name it, I tried it all.

    I don't feel guilt. I've tried everything. I do, however, feel sad. I wish something I had tried had worked.

    What's the expression? The best parents in the world, don't have any children? LOL!
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    SWOT, I was a regular in her juvenile court. I spent 20 years dealing with the court system working with young offenders in the inner city schools. I think that after awhile the lines became blurred between who my clients were and who I was in relation to them.
     
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I didn't really mean to defend the judge - just to point out that they're people too and that's how people think. Heck, it was how I thought, until I was the parent in question.

    But, you'd think a judge in a juvie court really should have a clue. I liked your response @pasajes4 - I likely wouldn't have been as quick on my feet with the come-back.
     
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The thing about this judge is that I had the up most respect for her. I always felt that she was humane and treated the kids and their parents with dignity. I think she was shocked to see me in court with my own kid. It was almost as if because of what I did professionally, my own kid should have known better. I wish it was as simple as that.

    I can't say that I have not been guilty of sitting in judgement of other parents...including myself. If only I had done a better job at being a parent. The only reason i came up with that response was that I had been to a CODA meeting the night before.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know exactly how you feel.
    It's so draining and condescending when people try and "blame" the parents. I'll be the first to admit I made mistakes as a parent but I made sure to teach my son right from wrong. We gave him a stable loving home to live in. We set a strong work ethic example for him. I warned him many times that if he continued to be rebellious and make poor choices that he would end up in jail.

    I think we all have gone through the emotions of self doubt. It didn't help any when my son would yell at me that I was a horrible mother. For me, I had to really step back and take a look at my role and own what was mine to own and let the rest go.
    Also, when our kids become adults they are free to choose how they will live. We have no control over that and most often they resent any influence we might offer.

    I know with my son, DNA plays a huge role. He is just like his bio-father and yet that man was in my sons life for just a few years and that was limited.

    I'm reminded of stories where a child grows up in complete dysfunction and yet they grow into a responsible adult. I wonder if that judge would say the parents are responsible for their child's successo_O

    Bottom line, everyone comes to a point in their lives when they decide for themselves how they want to live. It always comes down to the choices we make.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Boy I had to eat crow on this one!

    When my Difficult Child was quite young (and sweet and adorable), I worked at a middle school in the in school suspension room. I was a teacher's aide and assigned to my own classroom. They felt that I'd had 3 boys so could handle it. It was the perfect job that enabled you to have lots of time off for your younger children. It was kind of intimidating though because our kids were GOOD!

    Well it was not fun let me tell you. A lot of these kids had major issues (thus would have an in school suspension) so I saw all types. I remember this one boy in particular. I wanted to strangle him but yet felt sorry for him. He had dirty clothes on every day. Hair dirty etc. He would not listen to me, couldn't concentrate etc. He got on my LAST NERVE. I cringed when he was brought into the room. I wondered what the hell kind of parents he had.

    Well then one day his mom stopped in to drop off something (can't remember but may have been lunch money or something). She was a doll. Sweet, loving and so caring with him.

    I later found out that he had autism and was not on any medications because his mother didn't want him on any. This was when I thought parents were responsible if their kids were seen as bad. In this case the boy actually had a diagnosis.

    Now I look back and think about how I USED to think. I was so very worng
     
  16. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Pasa.
    That's it for me--- profound sadness. I no longer am as judgemental of parents as I now know, that this can go terribly bad... It remains an everyday struggle to separate myself from my son's choices.
    ...and sometimes, "everything you can" is not nearly enough, in anyone's eyes, especially our own. Now I get that but I'm still left with the sadness which is so difficult to rise above. It seems you have a better grasp on the His Choices=His Outcome thing than I do. I get it's on him but how not to be enmeshed in the sorry state of his life, short of having no contact, I still struggle. I get tired of hearing the drama, of saying "I'm sure you'll figure this out". How painful that anyone would judge where we all have been, my shoes have walked it as have yours. The soles are tired and so worn. Prayers.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I try really hard to remember that other people's opinions are none of my business. Try is the operative word. It still stings a lot of the time.
     
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yes, I'm sure that was part of it. When I went to court with my son on a shoplifting charge, I was beyond mortified as the judge was someone I knew professionally before - and since - going to state work. With the same last name, not anything I could do to keep him from knowing we were related...but I made sure never to mention what our relationship was. Pretty sure he figured it out though. That was likely the most like a failure as a parent as I've ever felt.

    I think my son has made me better at that part of my job, more empathetic. I had a woman in a hearing the other day who was being asked to pay support to the state for her adopted child she had relinquished back to children's division. He had multiple diagnosis, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and was a danger to the family. She stated she'd tried to undo the adoption and been denied, stopped, and said, sadly, "I can't imagine what you must think of me..." I could, honestly, tell her I didn't judge her one bit for the circumstances that brought her before me. It didn't change the outcome of the case, because that's simply dollars and cents, but I certainly didn't look at her more harshly. I see a lot of that sort of things in state cases. Instead of wondering how the parents could let things get that far...now I think, "There but for the grace of God...."