Crayola, again I'm so sorry about your mom. No one can replace her. My mom has been gone a very long time. I still talk to her, I know what she would say to me so it becomes a real conversation which makes me feel close to her. I believe she is still with me at times. My mom was that one person for me.
But my mom did not leave this world in the traumatic way your mom did. I was your age when my mom left, exactly your age, but my mom was not stolen from us by a sneak attack as your mom was from you. And I think my mom was much older than yours. It was pretty fast for us but we knew it was heart failure for a couple of months and my mom had us there, and we had her, up until the middle of that night she went. In hindsight we knew she waited until we were not there to go, as a final act of love from her.
You were not given the same ability to be there, to know it was logically coming, to have those final days and moments with your mom. You have been through a great trauma, one I can only imagine, one that literally makes me cry for you as I'm writing this. I don't know how you could reimagine her passing but if there is a way you could connect to her in your heart and find a peaceful way through her illness to her passing I think it would be best for you. I think it would then clear your path to be able to lift the burden you feel at the injustice of her passing and find peace within yourself and allow you to be open to a loving memory of your mom. A way to connect to her in your memory that feels only the love and guidance you should feel from the memory of her.
What would your mom want for you? You probably know it's not what you are experiencing these days. All I can think of as a suggestion is maybe you could look into EMDR. I am one of those people who can attest to it's effectiveness for specific trauma, which this particular situation for you seems to point to.
No matter what you do, how you deal, know I'm here hoping and praying for peace for you. Love to you.