so sad, need hugs

amstrong

New Member
Ant's Mom,

I am so sorry to read about all of this. I know you do not feel strong right now but you are. Your many posts show this-you have been a true inspiration to me over the last few years.

I have almost lost husband in the past-he blamed difficult child and his chaos also-still will sometime refer to this when he is unhappy or in a mood. I always tell him that difficult child has NOTHING to do with he and I and that I refuse to accept his blaming difficult child. I also tell him that i do understand his feelings about the difficult child issue as i have lived it since the day difficult child was born.

You are a strong, vibrant woman who desrves the best! Whatever is in the cards for you, will happen. Hang in there! Maybe this will result in Ant seeing you in a different light since he is there with you in your sadness, a sadness caused this time around by someone you love other than him. Bask in Ant's kindness and hug that baby! Babies have a way of making us feel warm and fuzzy-take advantage of his unconditional love.

Hugs,
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
Predator?!?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
Let boyfriend go on being sick, if that is his choice. </div></div>

Barb, you are creeping me out. What predator? Janet is strong enough to not be a victim. It doesn't mean you don't feel pain. It just saves you from being a victim. Predator, doe's lying in wait for a well laid trap! I don't think so. You might need a different therapist. If it were me, I would run out the door screaming.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Oh boy - do we need to talk. I am at work and I apologize for not seeing this yesterday. I just went through this with boyfriend of 4 years (well last June) but I learned alot with the experience.

I will be back to talk tonight.
I PM'd you, too.
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Hey {{{Janet}}} - I'm so sorry things turned out like this. Everyone has said such wonderful things and made so many thought provoking comments, I won't repeat them.

I'm thinking of you and holding you and your boys in my prayers today. I think you're right (and hopeful) when you say that God may have closed this door because it's time.

~hugs~
 

Sunlight

Active Member
thank you all. I read and read over again what you say. truth is there is a lil good and bad in boyfriend. the bad stuff is that he has lied in the past about other stuff.

shortly after we started to date, twice while seeing me, he went to comfort a woman from the support grp. two diff women. one of the times, he and I had plans to go out with the grp to a dance. he and I met at applebees and I brought along a galpal. when we were about to leave to go to the dance, in walks in L from the grp. boyfriend had told her to meet us there and I didnt know it. the grp meets all over and we sometimes car pool or follow one another and this place was farther off.

we all went outside to our seperate cars. L and boyfriend never showed up at that dance. his cell was shut off. he later confided that L said she had a bad day so he took her to the movies instead. next day he showed up here with flowers and cried and apologized. he said he could not let L have a headache and not be with her. again..he knew her before I knew him and this was very early in our dating. he begged to continue with me. he had never dated her and she has since moved out of state. she was not interested in him. I had spoken to her afterwards.

the other time our gang was together at a club to dance. he drove me there, but ignored me and talked a lot to R. R and he had been in the support grp together. they had dated before he and I (for two months). in fact I fixed them up. R had broken off with him and told him she did not love him. she is now happy with someone else. he and R bought each other drinks but he didnt even offer to buy me a drink and we didnt dance. when we got home I broke up with him. after a week he was calling and emailing me and we started up. he was fine again til this thing unfolded with M--the woman he had been emailing.

I also had found out on three occassions that he was still looking at American Singles, match.com and true...single sites. I told him he cannot look for his ship to come in while he was seeing me. he stopped that. then in november, by mistake, I found that he had started an acct on myspace. he gave his name and location and his preference to date someone with no kids. when I called him on it, boyfriend had ant remove the acct because he didnt know how to do that and ant fought with him at work the next day. their only argument. we also had issues of him lying and saying he was working, but he was home viewing porn movies, that was last year. When he fessed up, he promised to never do that again..but he did once more. oh dear...I cannot believe I am spilling this all out.

I hate to make people hate him because his good side is so good. then again, I am the most inexperienced dater in the world. what do I know. he has never yelled at me, and is calm and loving to me. then again...barbara has a lot of truth there in that this is abuse too. he lies, he is sneaky. I am a poor judge of character. sigh. as barbara said my ex was so bad that any man looks good if he is just not yelling or swearing at me.

I think he is drawn to me and my religious nature. I think he thinks I am good for him and keep him in line. he knows he has a problem with lust. he knows I am Ms goody two shoes for the most part. sigh and double sigh.

he called last night, sick with grief over breaking off. he was in bed by 8 and his stomach churning. he says he misses me.

I dont know. he said he will call me tonight and I may ask him tonight to be honest and tell me for sure if he is thinking of dating m/ and maybe that is why he broke off because he is sick of feeling guilty around me or sneaking. that would at least make me know what is really going on. I think when he looks at my face, he is consumed with guilt. I do believe since we went together, he has not kissed or slept with anyone else. I do wonder if given the opportunity...he would.

I also think my sons and my grandson will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I told him that. I told him he would be King, but there would be room made for them. my ex used to try to isolate me from my kids and I will not do that to them or me again.

I just want things simple. for crying out loud til my eyes are swollen...I want someone to trust and believe in. I cannot be a warden and will not be second best. I want to be a priority. I think he could not let me go all this time because he is afraid if he goes out there looking around, he will not find someone as good as me. on the other hand, if he breaks up I may find someone and he would not be able to come back.

I hid a lot of stuff about my ex so people would not hate him. perhaps if I had shared info about him, they would be able to help me overrule my emotions and break off. I have told this stuff now about boyfriend so people can help me get over him. sigh. sob. sniff
then again...I miss him and telling this stuff would make people mad at me if we get back together. perhaps he would miss me and stop this looking around and lying??? I dont know.

he also seems to have a sleep problem and cannot sleep at night and is going for a sleep study. perhaps sleep deprivation is making his thought process off whack?? he and ant are still talking daily to one another. ant told me he would never discuss me with boyfriend or our relationship, I appreciate that. ant is calling me and protecting me as he knows I cannot eat right now.
I took an ativan to sleep. I had some from the doctor as I take them to go on a plane. when I awoke, I immediately was aware that boyfriend's arms were not around me and I sobbed and dragged myself to work.

I did confide in two coworkers there mostly because my eyes keep tearing up. they both believe boyfriend and I will be together. they have met him and they both believe he is in love with me but may be having a breakdown of some sort. I dont know, I dont know!

I am on lunch break and going back.

 

Abbey

Spork Queen
Oh, Janet...I'm so sorry. :frown: It may be that he just became overwhelmed with difficult child world. We all suffer from that as well. I can somewhat understand why he wouldn't want to be around Ant because of his antics, but Kaleb? How can you not want to be around a little one? Something does sound a bit fishy.

Hugs to you.

Abbey
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Awwww Janet...he is human and you are human. He isnt a king and shouldnt be. You are equals.

If this is meant to be, it will work out. If not, then you have learned something and the next time you will have more knowledge going in. You will always be a mother of two boys and a grandmother to however many kids the boys have. That will never change. The man in your life has to accept that. Most "mature" women come with families.

You have had many good times with boyfriend. Savor the good memories. He has made some mistakes but who hasnt. Sometimes through fire stronger steel is forged.
 

Sunlight

Active Member
Janet, I was raised that the man is king. I like nurturing and caring for a man. I like to groom them, cut their hair and nails, give back rubs, make good dinners, cater to them, clean and work side by side in the yard with them, watch movies together, sit on the porch til the sun goes down, lay in the grass at the park and watch the ducks. in return I want them to love me and make me know that I am the only woman in their world. forever. I do not want to have to look over my shoulder and fear the future or be surprised by sneakiness. I hate lying.

It is Biblical that the man care for and protect the woman. he makes her feel loved and that makes her want to do things for him and stay with him. he would then deserve the attention and nurturing he gets from her.


our relationship will be changed forever one way or another.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Well that all sounds lovely! Im sure it will all work out for you either with boyfriend or with someone else.

I guess I just didnt understand the term King. To me that is an equal loving relationship in which each persons needs are met.
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
Janet, this is so polar opposite of how you have represented boyfriend in the past. It almost sounds like 2 different people.
His weaknesses haven't outweighed his contributions to your family. If he is as truly abusive as you suggest then why in a million years would you go back or even consider it?!? I don't understand how one day he is your life and the next day he is portrayed as a unfaithful porn king. I don't understand how or why you walk back into that relationship and then be surprised when it happens again.

What happened to the guy who did all those wonderful things?
As far as your ideas of making him a king is great if it's what floats both of your boats but maybe that wasn't what he was looking for. I don't quite get it but like I said whatever works in a couples relationship to make it healthy and good.
I do want to point out that you are making your children your priority, but it is not expected that his daughter would be his?

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable but maybe presenting a different side. Maybe my definition for abuse is considerably different than yours but he doesn't sound abusive at all even when you share the negative things.
He sounds like a man who isn't ready to be a one woman man. Not a pleasant experience, maybe a bit of a scoundrel but if he was so bad, why would you want him back?

I am so obviously out of touch with the dating world that my jaw is on the floor because of comments about a much loved boyfriend. I'll not comment any more since I obviously don't get it. I hope you heal and find peace.
 

dreamer

New Member
I did not read all the replies.......
I wanted to give you a hug.
DO remember that most people have good plus not so good inside of them.and most people are going to look out for number 1. Neither of you needs to be "the bad guy" to have a breakup. ANd it is possible he may not know himself what he wants or feels right now.....maybe it just does not feel "right" to him? ANd while he may very well miss you and adore you, he still could have some difficulties with the relationship.
Not so long ago you and him had that other problem with that other lady from that group and the emails? Maybe he just is not the trype person who feels comfuy cutting former people out of his life even if it is for a current relationship. That does not make him bad nor does it make you bad for wanting him to do so..........but it DOES make it hard to have a relationship if you both feel differently about such a thing.
Hang in there. nuture yoursel;f. Love yourself, do something nice for yourself.
 

Sunlight

Active Member
fran, I am very distraught as you can see. a wave of grief, anger, confusion, low self-esteem comes over me. when I say abuse, I am referring to emotional abuse of me not being able to trust, emotional abuse of sneaking out to meet someone, emotional abuse of seeing his email asking her over for a glass of wine. emotional stress of being lied to, and not knowing if he is tempted to cheat, etc. anyone in a relationship would be stressed if their SO had a history of this stuff. I am the first to admit, I do not have a large dating history having been married at 18 for 32 yrs.

as I said his good is very good. some people would not be bothered by the other stuff. he has weaknesses that do not sit with me. however, I was hoping that could be worked on. he loved being treated well. it is hard for me to have people thinking all the best when it is my fault for not sharing the rest of the stuff we had trouble with. it gives a more complete picture of him. if his good side had not been so very good, I would not be crying and missing him.

I have favored him over my sons all along and try to balance things here. he is more than welcome to love his daughters above all, but I expect to be at least consulted when I am cut out of a trip we planned together and other "family " stuff. I know he and his daughter had discussed things, his daughter was just here for the weekend this past weekend and all seemed to be well.

well, none of this matters...he has chosen to end the relationship anyway.



 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
I guess I have a different definition of "abuse", too. I've heard enough stories of your exhusband to agree that he was definitely abusive. What you are describing with boyfriend- to me- would be relegated to a "jerk" maybe, but not an abusive person. And if you truly think he was abusive, I guess I would have to echo Fran's question of why would you want him back? Surely NOTHING could outweigh true abuse. It didn't with your ex. I would like to think that you learned from that experience and wouldn't repeat wanting another abusive relationship.

The type of relationship you describe as what you want sounds a lot like the marriage between my nephew and his new wife. They belong to a very conservative wing of the Presbyterian Church. VERY conservative. Frankly, their marriage vows last summer made my head spin :faint: but each to his/her own and they are very happy together....because they both want the same kind of relationship like you described. They found each other (long story) basically through having the same religious beliefs/same church. I wonder if maybe that might be a way for you to meet someone next time? If memory serves, I think you met boyfriend through a Christian group but maybe it wasn't conservative enough?

Suz



 

rejectedmom

New Member
Janet you do sound confused. From what you have posted in this thread and others I believe that even though the relationship was good on many planes, it didn't fulfill some core needs in both of you. A break up doesn't have to be all about the bad nor all about the good. We humans are all flawed. The key to a lasting relationship is finding someone whose flaws are something we can live with. I may be called a cynic but the less we have to change going into a relationship the better the chances for its success. At our age our habits and beliefs are pretty well planted within our psyce so entering a relationship thinking someone will change really isn't a realistic approach.
Minor adjustments are easily attained but changes in our core beliefs and needs do not come easily.


Please be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve over this loss. When the pain has subsided then take a look at the relationship from a more objective perspective. Ask youself what was good about it and what was bad? Then armed with that knowledge maybe you can find a better fit with someone else. Heal, analyse, learn and move on. It is all you can do. (((HUGS))) -RM
 

Stella Johnson

Active Member
Honey he really does not sound like a one woman man. I know it hurts right now but I really think this is a blessing in disguise. Trust me, I have been there done that with wondering men.

There is someone out there. You just haven't met him yet. :smile:

Steph
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
boyfriend is human, nobody is perfect.

The fact is right now your life is about you. Not about boyfriend. It is about you finding out who Janet is. What Janet likes and wants. What Janet will want in a husband someday or even if she wants a husband.

Your thoughts are full of questions - how, why, what next? I know. If you take this time to think only of Janet...and become a confident, strong woman again...you will be happy. Whether it is with boyfriend or not.

Frankly, most men are attracted to a strong woman. If they sense weakness they feel like it will be too much work. That is not to imply that a committed man runs at the first sign of weakness. They can be supportive, too. However, if it feels to a man that his lady is losing her self-esteem or confidence, he becomes less attracted to her.

Janet, tell me honestly - do you think you were stronger when you first began dating?

If so, you must focus on you now. Take a few days and be weepy - it is OK and it is good for you to feel the pain and wonder all these questions. But, then it must become about you. When you are conifdent again a man (maybe boyfriend, maybe not) will be attracted to that smart, confident, sophisticated lady. The one that when she gets dressed in the morning turns in the mirror and says to herself 'you look good'!

I would guess we all need the reminder now and then. Make it about 'me' for a bit! Goodness, we are worth it!
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
OH yeah, I meant to tell you this, too.

Last June I came here with the same pain. boyfriend and I just last night spoke of marriage and our future. We got back together 8 weeks later and took if VERY slow. Meantime it was all about me. I lost weight, got a new hair cut and color, had to buy some new clothes. I felt so good I was forced to look backwards to see the changes I had made unintentionally that became unattractive to boyfriend. Frankly, I could not blame him. I did not even like who I had become.
 
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