So stressed

[ColleenB]

Thinking of you and your husband. This is such a scary road our kids have chosen, with no idea of where we are or where we are going since as parents we are all along for " the ride"

I am interested in hearing what you decide to do. Our son still won't do the drug program here, and to be honest not sure how successful it is. I wrk with many kids who have been.

Our son is American by birth, so even though we live in Canada, he could go to the US.

Please keep us posted. Thinking of you....

 

[Kathy813]

Oh my. I don't even know where to start. First of all, 13 days in rehab is nothing. Your son is not anywhere ready to leave. Personally, I don't think 30 days is enough time to accomplish anything and he will need an IOP that lasts much longer than two weeks.

My daughter spent three months in one of the best rehabs in the country that is located in Deerfield Beach. She then followed that with a recommended sober house in Delray Beach (which unfortunately I can't remember). She relapsed almost immediately and spent the next four years bouncing from rehab to IOP to halfway houses and then would start the process all over again.

There are so many halfway houses in the Delray area. It is called the recovery capital of the world. Unfortunately, as my daughter said, it also means that are a lot of relapsed addicts in the area so drugs are plentiful. Many of the halfway houses in Delray and the surrounding areas are being investigated for insurance fraud. My daughter said some even paid her to stay there so they could collect money from her insurance company. They get around it by calling it IOP so the insurance will pay for it. I also just read an article about halfway houses in south Florida billing insurance thousands of dollars for $12 urine tests.

As far as getting the benzos, that is exactly what my daughter did. She used her insurance policy that we paid for to get the benzos. There are halfway houses that let them take them with a prescription if they have anxiety issues. In my daughter's case, it always led back down the path to substance abuse.

My daughter surprised us recently by showing up at our door in Georgia. We told her that she couldn't stay and she is now in a 35 day inpatient program here. When she told the intake person about her four years in south Florida bouncing from rehab to halfway house and back, the person told her that they have a name for that. It's called the south Florida shuffle.

I am not saying that there are no good halfway houses in Florida. Your son just doesn't sound ready to leave rehab and I am worried he will end up in an even worse situation.

Just my two cents.

~Kathy

 

[rebelson]

If it (sobriety, detox) is forced, if the addict is not 'ready' to be sober...they won't stay sober. They might for a few wks or month...but they will resume the addiction behavior. Money cannot buy sobriety. They have to truly WANT it FOR themselves.

Kathy-you are correct about S. Fl.

 

[susiestar]

Please be aware that laws regarding using, having and trafficking substances are stronger or are applied more harshly in FL than in many other states. Many of the chronic pain patients on the support forums who are from FL are constantly having to deal with police even though they, and their doctors, are abiding by the laws.

I agree that if your son only went to rehab to not get kicked out then he likely isn't ready for sobriety. I hope you find a good program and that he truly wants sobriety. Until he truly WANTS it, absolutely nothing matters.

 

[Copabanana]

Thanks so much for any help.

Can he go into the military?

I would have loved this for my son, who had a chronic illness, and could not go. And then it was mostly all down hill from there.

What about Job Corps?

From reading the posts about the corruption in these treatment facilities, that seem to fleece people with money, I might consider programs for poorer kids, where the profit motive does not carry the day.

COPA

 

[RN0441]

I believe he is getting out of rehab this weekend after 21 days. Or possibly next week after 28 days. I agree neither is long enough but that's what insurance dictates. His dad is driving him to Delray Beach for intensive outpatient treatment and sober living. He will check everything out and make sure he has what he needs. My husband is very thorough so he is in excellent hands. After six months or so if he is successful he will then go to college.

He said he is ready to put this behind him. He wants to accomplish his goals and go to school. He has said that both times we have had family meetings. No one has coerced him into saying this. He realizes that his poor choices got him where he is now which is not where he wants to be. I think that most are forced into treatment at some point but then are usually glad they are there and know it's what they need. Will it stick? Only the man upstairs knows.

Kathy yes of course I'm worried because I always think of the worse case scenario.

Colleen we are excited about this because he is and we are hopeful.

Copa I don't believe he can go to the military because he is on Effexor for anxiety/depression. However, he really wants to go to school.

We're giving him this chance but he knows its on him to make it successful and a good experience or not. As I told him, he can go to the best program in the country and not stay sober or the worst program and stay sober. It's all up to the individual. I think the shock of us telling him he cannot be home with us is a wake up call to him. That is so out of character for us.

 

[New Leaf]

We're giving him this chance but he knows its on him to make it successful and a good experience or not. As I told him, he can go to the best program in the country and not stay sober or the worst program and stay sober. It's all up to the individual. I think the shock of us telling him he cannot be home with us is a wake up call to him. That is so out of character for us.

Prayers lifted up that he will wake up and use this opportunity to find himself and his purpose and meaning.
You have done so much for him RN.
Stay positive and hold faith while working on building yourself up.
Day by day, moment to moment.
You have value and you matter.
The rest is up to him.
Wishing you peace of mind and heart.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Kathy813]

I truly hope that he is one of the success stories. Keep us updated.

~Kathy

 

[Tired Mom]

My son went to rehab and sober living in Delray. I agree a 1000% with what Kathy said about insurance fraud for the drug tests. I kid you not it was something like $60,000 plus billed to our insurance company just for drug tests. I have mixed feelings about sons trip to rehab and sober living. The rehab lied to us about being inpatient and then we made the mistake of telling them about my sons secondary insurance and then refused to call the primary insurance to get anything precertified. It was very stressful because insurance company was saying they would cover nothing if the rehab didn't call and the rehab refused to call. Rehab called secondary insurance and secondary insurance told us and them they were precertifed as long as they called primary and precertification but rehab refused to call primary. Rehab refused to pick up phone when we called. We had to get company Health advocate involved. Dealing with insurance issues was almost as stressful as the fact that my son had almost died. Sober living in Delray where my son was really was just a place for him to live that wasn't our house. Many of my sons roommates were kicked out for doing drugs. My son definitely saw people using drugs.
There were very few rules at my sons sober living house. I would not send my son back to the same place. On the positive side right now my son seems to be doing Ok but I do know he has had alcohol since coming back from rehab. We take it day by day.

 

[RN0441]

Tired Mom - yes I hear there is a lot of that in Delray. Luckily we found a reputable place that is on the BBB list and licensed by the state and we don't have secondary insurance so that is not a worry.

He will be in IOP for 3 months and then sober living. He knows it's up to HIM, we are just providing him this change of scenery. We don't want him back home and it isn't good for him or us. He is driving there Monday with his dad. He is looking forward to the gym, riding his bike on the beach and getting a job. We all feel this will be a positive change for him. I can't overthink this. One day at a time!

 

[Roxona]

Can he go into the military?

What about Job Corps?

I've looked into both of these for J. The military will no longer accept you if you've been to rehab, so that's out. Job Corp has a strict no drug policy and they require you to stay on campus for the first 30 days. After that you can leave campus only on the weekend. The program J wanted was 8 to 12 months long...he wasn't willing to stay on campus for that length of time.

 

[Copabanana]

We don't want him back home

From our experience everything starts from this.

he really wants to go to school.

Oh, how I hope he gets there. To me, in my own life, everything came from my education: opportunity, self-respect, mobility, meaning.

I think the shock of us telling him he cannot be home with us is a wake up call to him.

Stick with this, RN. My son was gone 4 and a half years, homeless in 4 counties, with multiple hospitalizations. I would not relent and let him come home.

Every single time he treated me with disrespect I threw him out. Little by little I think he got it--that nothing comes free--even mother love has conditions. My conditions are he do productive work or go to school.

Stick to your guns. Our children need to understand that they sink or swim by their own efforts, and that nobody suffers for them, when they sink. Only them. It is very hard to go through, but I think my son tired of living a life that was so hard, without dignity or comfort. He learned that I could be hard and hard-hearted. I think he needed this, to find his own motivation to change.

I think your son must be responding to your own resolve, taking his life more seriously because you are serious. You have drawn a line. He is beginning to realize you are no longer playing.

As I write this, my son is here--just since yesterday. He had come back to my town about 6 weeks ago. He had burnt bridges everywhere. I would not let him stay here. He showed up at my door, I threw him out after 2 days. There was nobody else left that would welcome him. I did not either.

Recently, we bought a small house in the small downtown in my small city. The intention was that he live in an apartment above the garage when he was capable of following rules. Surprisingly, my son was very gratified to have this opportunity. My son and M, my significant other, have been working side by side remodeling it. All of the other times M has tried to help him by offering work, my son has sabotaged it. So far, not this time.

I am glad you found a treatment option about which you have confidence. Now it is your son's turn to do what it takes. Take care.

COPA

 

[Kathy813]

RNO441, I was thinking about your son and remembered something that might be helpful. When my daughter wanted to go back to college, I was worried about sending her to a place where there are drugs and alcohol everywhere. I can't imagine a place where it would be harder to stay sober than a college campus.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that there are colleges that offer special programs for students that are in recovery. They live in a sober housing dorm and get a lot of support to stay sober.

Here is a link about the programs:

http://collegiaterecovery.org/programs/

There are more schools listed now than when I was looking a few years ago.

Here is another link with more schools with sober living housing on campus:

https://rehabreviews.com/where-do-college-and-sobriety-meet/

Just an idea.

~Kathy

 

[Eryn]

Please ask your son do make his own calls for HIS sobriety! The more you do for him the more he'll expect, he needs to be fully active in his life.

I kept thinking for my 26 year old's 9 year herion addiction, if I can just get him in rehab (again and again) he'll be ok, if I can just help him get a job, he'll be ok. If I can just find him a good sober home he'll be ok. 9 years later he's not ok

 

[Kathy813]

Eryn, I agree with you. That is something RN's son can work on while in IOP/sober living. I don't think, though, that there is anything wrong with RN suggesting a program like this. In fact, if it was my child and I was paying for the college education, I would make it a requirement that he/she was in a program like the ones in the link. Too many of us have thown money down the drain for our kids to spend a semester drinking or using drugs with nothing to show for it.

Again, just my humble opinion.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Thanks Kathy. Funny but I had mentioned this to him; that others in college certainly have been through what he's been through. I figured maybe they have someone he can connect with. The links are helpful.

Copa so happy your son is doing better. I read your other post. Hopefully he will continue to surprise you.

Eryn I gave him two choices in Florida to go to after rehab and he did the research and made the calls while in rehab. He had very little computer/phone time and only if his therapist was with him. He was released from rehab yesterday morning. Today he is on a road trip with his dad heading to Delray Beach for 3 months in intensive outpatient and then to sober living after that. He knows this is a fresh start for him and it's up to him. If he screws up, he's not doing it in my home. He knows coming home is not good for him and he wants to go out of state. I am very thankful that we were able to do this for him to give him a fresh start.

We feel good about our choices but it is all hard and we don't know the outcome but I prayed a LOT and this is what worked out so I'm hoping it's the path we are supposed to take.

 

[RN0441]

My son went to rehab and sober living in Delray. I agree a 1000% with what Kathy said about insurance fraud for the drug tests. I kid you not it was something like $60,000 plus billed to our insurance company just for drug tests. I have mixed feelings about sons trip to rehab and sober living. The rehab lied to us about being inpatient and then we made the mistake of telling them about my sons secondary insurance and then refused to call the primary insurance to get anything precertified. It was very stressful because insurance company was saying they would cover nothing if the rehab didn't call and the rehab refused to call. Rehab called secondary insurance and secondary insurance told us and them they were precertifed as long as they called primary and precertification but rehab refused to call primary. Rehab refused to pick up phone when we called. We had to get company Health advocate involved. Dealing with insurance issues was almost as stressful as the fact that my son had almost died. Sober living in Delray where my son was really was just a place for him to live that wasn't our house. Many of my sons roommates were kicked out for doing drugs. My son definitely saw people using drugs.
There were very few rules at my sons sober living house. I would not send my son back to the same place. On the positive side right now my son seems to be doing Ok but I do know he has had alcohol since coming back from rehab. We take it day by day.

How is your son doing these days?

 

[Tired Mom]

How is your son doing these days?

RN thanks for asking my son is doing OK. We are literally still taking it one day at a time. He had an incident where he met girl and was going out all of the time very late and we knew something was wrong. We hit a breaking point where one night he said would be home by Midnight didn't come home wouldn't answer his phone and then showed up at 5:00AM without the car. He was obviously intoxicated we made him show us where the car was and it was several blocks away with a flat tire. At that point we told him it had to stop that there wasn't a point in getting mad he either had to stop or leave. He was silently angry for a few days but hasn't gone out now for about two months. Last Friday he had a car accident on the way home from work. I got so worked up when he sent me the text but in this case it wasn't his fault, when we got there he called the police though other people didn't want him to and he was completely sober.

I try to really soak in the good days. I am almost certain my son has some undiagnosed mental illness. His social skills are very low and he has a completely addictive personality. Prior to our breaking point I found evidence that he had gone gambling and spent $2K on one day and I thought cr** another addiction to add to everything else. I have a general sadness when I think about him. I am almost certain a day will come where something will happen and we will have to kick him out. I wish he would be open to getting mental health help.

The most positive things is that he is still at the same job for about a year and a half now. His bosses are overall happy with him and he works about 50 hours a week. He enjoys his job. The other sort of good thing is that he is almost addicted to working out in his free time. I can live with this addiction he goes to the Y about the same times in general as my husband so they interact a little and I know he is safe during his time of working out.

How are things for you and your son?

 

[RN0441]

It sounds like your son is pretty stable and not causing a lot of problems in your home. Those are good things. He is still young like my son so we always hope maturity will kick in at some point.

Our son is fairly stable right now. He never really graduated from any of the treatment centers he was in but is now renting a room in Boca Raton with a lady he found on Craigslist. He has his own room and bathroom and gets full run of the apartment. He is working about 26 hours per week nearby. We are paying 2/3 of his rent and he pays the rest plus all food. He has a nice girlfriend that he spends all his time with. You can see in my signature he has had a few relapses since being in Florida in March. We did see him over Thanksgiving and that was a good visit and will again see him for Christmas.

He is not starting school in January as we hoped but we don't want to push it. He wants college but we don't think he's ready. He is smart but has very bad social anxiety so maybe working right now is all he can handle. I think it's good he is on his own rather than in our home. That did not work for him. We tried it and he always went on binges after a long time sober. I wish we could have him with us but sometimes it just isn't good. He also has an addictive personality like your son. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but doesn't like to take anything for it and seems to be doing fine without it. My husband also has bad anxiety but never took anything so he thinks son shouldn't either but if son wanted to he would. He just can't take any type of benzo which he always abused. We have two older boys that are successful so we know that our son is not taking the same quick path that they took.

One day at a time is all we can do. Good luck to you and I hope things continue to go well.

 

[WannabeAgoodFather]

I have a question. How does rehab work? How long will he stay in rehab? I do not want to and do not have room to pay for his car, insurance and other things while he is gone. Plus, I personally do not believe in rehab as the ones with the problem acknowledges his problem and willing to seek treatment will succeed. If he doesn't believe in rehab but goes because he is forced to, I do not think it will work. I would like to hear about this from experienced people with rehab.