So tired of abusive, grown son....

[Sleepymom1]

Hello kind friends - I posted here many years ago, but it has been a long time, so I should probably start fresh. My story is similar to so many of yours. My son is 25 now, but has been "troubled" for most of his life. His drug use started in his early teens....marijuana has always been his drug of choice, but he has experimented with many others. He spent time in juvenile detention, dropped out of high school, finally got his GED (I was thrilled!). He caused so much trouble at home for us that I helped pay for an apartment for him for several years. Of course, he tore that place up and ended up moving back home with me. I am twice-divorced....can't blame that only on my son, but let's be honest....these kinds of kids are hard on a marriage! I now have a very understanding boyfriend. My son basically beat him up this past November, because my boyfriend said something to him like, "You need to treat your mother with more respect." My son, who I'm quite sure was on drugs at the time, pretty much went crazy and went after my boyfriend. My boyfriend just held him down as best he could, while I called the police. Long story, but....my son ended up doing about 30 days in the county jail. Around Christmas time, his biological dad started to feel sorry for him, and talked me into bailing him out for the holidays. So, we did. He came back to live with me. It was difficult because he and my boyfriend could not be around each other. We hung in there until January. Son had a court date, and I took the day off work to drive him downtown. Murphy's Law struck - it was rainy that morning, there was an accident, and we were running late for court. This time son went crazy on ME. He started screaming profanities at me, yelling at me to "drive faster" (which was impossible - we were stuck in traffic), and kept trying to grab the steering wheel. So dangerous - it was amazing I didn't wreck the car!! Then he punched me in the arm while I was driving. Something changed in me that day. He had never hit me before, and I decided I wasn't going to allow myself to be treated that way anymore. Fast forward to March - I moved out of the house that I had shared with my son, into a nice apartment with my boyfriend. Son is now homeless, living in a tent. Although that makes me sad, it is such a relief to be able to come home and not worry about what my son's state of mind will be on a given day. No more walking on eggshells! For the first few weeks after the move, I didn't hear much from him. Now son is starting to contact me more often, asking for rides, for me to help charge his devices, etc. I have been helping him here and there. It had been going ok until last night. He called me a little after 10pm, saying he had found a car he wanted to buy (he has some money saved up - about $1,000 I think). Obviously this would be, most likely, a junker used car. He said he had the cash to pay for it but wanted me to put my name on the title, since he has no mailing address. I forgot to mention that he has already totalled 2 cars; one of them was mine! So, of course I said no to his request. Well, that was met with cursing and yelling. I hung up on him. He tried calling me back multiple times; I didn't answer. Then he texted me repeatedly, ending with "sorry I'm not worthy." Today I am just feeling tired and depressed. Even though I finally made the move and no longer live with him, he is STILL finding ways to torture me!! I really don't want to change my cell number, as I've had it for years. I could block his number, but honestly, hearing from him occasionally is the only way I know he's alive.
Wow, I didn't know this would get so long! Thank you all for "listening" and for letting me vent. I am supposed to be working from home, but just can't stop thinking about all of this. I feel like you all are the only ones who truly understand and "get it." I look forward to any and all responses. Take care, and stay safe and healthy out there.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I am so very sorry for your pain. I have felt it. No matter what I did for my daughter, I was a biotch. Never a kind words unless she wanted something and she got a ton, draining our retirement savings. We would be in far better shape had we kept our hard earned money.

I send you.love and light. Please don't engage him if he hurts you. It's not worth it.

 

[Sleepymom1]

Thank you for your kind words, Busy. I'm sorry for your pain, too, and that you went through so much of your savings. That is awful. My son called me this afternoon and sort of apologized for yelling at me, saying the car thing "didn't work out" after all. Imagine that! Hopefully I will get to enjoy a day or two of peace before the next request/demand comes along....sigh. I wish peace for you as well.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome!

So sorry to hear that you are going through this but as you know, WE ALL GET IT here!

I think having your son not live with you is best. You can't fix his issues and you and your boyfriend (or anyone else) is not his punching bag NOR do you have to put up with that. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. That is not what I'm saying at all. All of us here LOVE our kids desperately and that is why we have almost killed ourselves trying to FIX them - which is NOT possible by the way.

My son is fine now after many years of crap, but when it first started we had no clue what we were dealing with. Our older two were pretty good kids and we didn't have much trouble with them other than the normal teen stuff.

More will be along to give you advice or support. Take what you want and leave the rest.

I recommend you see a therapist that specializes in addiction. That is what I did and it helped me tremendously. If it weren't for that and the folks here and my faith in God I think my son would have either ended up dead or in jail.

Keep posting here and reading posts and take care of yourself.

 

[Sleepymom1]

Welcome!

So sorry to hear that you are going through this but as you know, WE ALL GET IT here!

I think having your son not live with you is best. You can't fix his issues and you and your boyfriend (or anyone else) is not his punching bag NOR do you have to put up with that. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. That is not what I'm saying at all. All of us here LOVE our kids desperately and that is why we have almost killed ourselves trying to FIX them - which is NOT possible by the way.

My son is fine now after many years of crap, but when it first started we had no clue what we were dealing with. Our older two were pretty good kids and we didn't have much trouble with them other than the normal teen stuff.

More will be along to give you advice or support. Take what you want and leave the rest.

I recommend you see a therapist that specializes in addiction. That is what I did and it helped me tremendously. If it weren't for that and the folks here and my faith in God I think my son would have either ended up dead or in jail.

Keep posting here and reading posts and take care of yourself.

Welcome!

So sorry to hear that you are going through this but as you know, WE ALL GET IT here!

I think having your son not live with you is best. You can't fix his issues and you and your boyfriend (or anyone else) is not his punching bag NOR do you have to put up with that. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. That is not what I'm saying at all. All of us here LOVE our kids desperately and that is why we have almost killed ourselves trying to FIX them - which is NOT possible by the way.

My son is fine now after many years of crap, but when it first started we had no clue what we were dealing with. Our older two were pretty good kids and we didn't have much trouble with them other than the normal teen stuff.

More will be along to give you advice or support. Take what you want and leave the rest.

I recommend you see a therapist that specializes in addiction. That is what I did and it helped me tremendously. If it weren't for that and the folks here and my faith in God I think my son would have either ended up dead or in jail.

Keep posting here and reading posts and take care of yourself.

Thank you, RNO, for your kind words. So glad to hear your son is doing well now. That gives me hope! Yes, I am thankful to have a high-achieving, loving 22-year-old daughter. She goes to therapy regularly and tells me I should, too. Going to look into it. So thankful to have found this group!!

 

[Crayola13]

I'm glad you realize your safety matters, therefore no longer allowing him to live with you. Your boyfriend must love you a lot. Him trying to grab the wheel is scary.

 

[JMom]

Sleepy,
I am glad that you and boyfriend are safe now. Must have been really scary when it got physical. You can block him then unblock him when you are ready to hear from him. I did it a lot in the past. Kept me from checking my phone constantly.
:0)

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Sleepy, I understand your fear and dismay. The first time my daughter attacked me she was 15 or 16. She pulled the phone off the wall and threw it at me hitting me in the head.
I was shocked and couldn't believe she could actually do this.
Since, she has probably attacked me 4 or 5 times in the last 20 years and is still verbally abusive.
Each time it was sudden and I could not believe how fast her violence was triggered.
We were on our way to church one morning and she started hitting me in the head as I was driving. Can't even remember how it started. I should have turned around and went home but I knew church was a better place for me to be.
I have distanced myself from her each time this happens. The last time was about 4 or 5 years ago standing in my kitchen making us coffee, I said something she didn't like and her fist went upside my head. My ear rang for several hours after that.
Please, be careful. In my experience, once it starts it is hard for it to stop.
I make sure I stand back from my daughter if she is not showing she feels happy. I don't visit her very often any more. I hope she never starts reacting to her children violently. I can only pray about that.
My son is more of a verbal abuser, however he does get very close with his hand clinched and I can tell he wants to strike something, usually ends up being a wall or door near me. He has never made contact but I fear it anyway. I never thought my daughter would hit me either.
Again be careful. Be safe. Don't forget how fast he was triggered.

Big hugs to you. Know I understand completely and care.

Peace and Love

 

[Sleepymom1]

Sleepy, I understand your fear and dismay. The first time my daughter attacked me she was 15 or 16. She pulled the phone off the wall and threw it at me hitting me in the head.
I was shocked and couldn't believe she could actually do this.
Since, she has probably attacked me 4 or 5 times in the last 20 years and is still verbally abusive.
Each time it was sudden and I could not believe how fast her violence was triggered.
We were on our way to church one morning and she started hitting me in the head as I was driving. Can't even remember how it started. I should have turned around and went home but I knew church was a better place for me to be.
I have distanced myself from her each time this happens. The last time was about 4 or 5 years ago standing in my kitchen making us coffee, I said something she didn't like and her fist went upside my head. My ear rang for several hours after that.
Please, be careful. In my experience, once it starts it is hard for it to stop.
I make sure I stand back from my daughter if she is not showing she feels happy. I don't visit her very often any more. I hope she never starts reacting to her children violently. I can only pray about that.
My son is more of a verbal abuser, however he does get very close with his hand clinched and I can tell he wants to strike something, usually ends up being a wall or door near me. He has never made contact but I fear it anyway. I never thought my daughter would hit me either.
Again be careful. Be safe. Don't forget how fast he was triggered.

Big hugs to you. Know I understand completely and care.

Peace and Love

Wow, Overwhelmed....I’m sorry you have had these types of issues with both your daughter and your son. Yes, my son has punched and kicked holes in the walls, and thrown/broken numerous household items. He shattered my glass front door not long before I moved out of my house. I pray that your son never gets physically violent with you. So awful how we bring these children into the world and they can treat us this way! I guess it’s often due to drugs and/or mental illness, but it still hurts. Hugs to you!

 

[Blindsided]

Hello kind friends - I posted here many years ago, but it has been a long time, so I should probably start fresh. My story is similar to so many of yours. My son is 25 now, but has been "troubled" for most of his life. His drug use started in his early teens....marijuana has always been his drug of choice, but he has experimented with many others. He spent time in juvenile detention, dropped out of high school, finally got his GED (I was thrilled!). He caused so much trouble at home for us that I helped pay for an apartment for him for several years. Of course, he tore that place up and ended up moving back home with me. I am twice-divorced....can't blame that only on my son, but let's be honest....these kinds of kids are hard on a marriage! I now have a very understanding boyfriend. My son basically beat him up this past November, because my boyfriend said something to him like, "You need to treat your mother with more respect." My son, who I'm quite sure was on drugs at the time, pretty much went crazy and went after my boyfriend. My boyfriend just held him down as best he could, while I called the police. Long story, but....my son ended up doing about 30 days in the county jail. Around Christmas time, his biological dad started to feel sorry for him, and talked me into bailing him out for the holidays. So, we did. He came back to live with me. It was difficult because he and my boyfriend could not be around each other. We hung in there until January. Son had a court date, and I took the day off work to drive him downtown. Murphy's Law struck - it was rainy that morning, there was an accident, and we were running late for court. This time son went crazy on ME. He started screaming profanities at me, yelling at me to "drive faster" (which was impossible - we were stuck in traffic), and kept trying to grab the steering wheel. So dangerous - it was amazing I didn't wreck the car!! Then he punched me in the arm while I was driving. Something changed in me that day. He had never hit me before, and I decided I wasn't going to allow myself to be treated that way anymore. Fast forward to March - I moved out of the house that I had shared with my son, into a nice apartment with my boyfriend. Son is now homeless, living in a tent. Although that makes me sad, it is such a relief to be able to come home and not worry about what my son's state of mind will be on a given day. No more walking on eggshells! For the first few weeks after the move, I didn't hear much from him. Now son is starting to contact me more often, asking for rides, for me to help charge his devices, etc. I have been helping him here and there. It had been going ok until last night. He called me a little after 10pm, saying he had found a car he wanted to buy (he has some money saved up - about $1,000 I think). Obviously this would be, most likely, a junker used car. He said he had the cash to pay for it but wanted me to put my name on the title, since he has no mailing address. I forgot to mention that he has already totalled 2 cars; one of them was mine! So, of course I said no to his request. Well, that was met with cursing and yelling. I hung up on him. He tried calling me back multiple times; I didn't answer. Then he texted me repeatedly, ending with "sorry I'm not worthy." Today I am just feeling tired and depressed. Even though I finally made the move and no longer live with him, he is STILL finding ways to torture me!! I really don't want to change my cell number, as I've had it for years. I could block his number, but honestly, hearing from him occasionally is the only way I know he's alive.
Wow, I didn't know this would get so long! Thank you all for "listening" and for letting me vent. I am supposed to be working from home, but just can't stop thinking about all of this. I feel like you all are the only ones who truly understand and "get it." I look forward to any and all responses. Take care, and stay safe and healthy out there.

Sleepy mom, I am glad you came back, I am sorry you needed to.

I have been where you are. I learned after thousands upon thousands of dollars that my Difficult Child never used the money she said she needed on what I thought I was giving it for. Addicts, her drug is alcohol, lie.

Your son is 25, if he cant get the car on his own, he probably isn't responsible enough to have it. I understand they need transportation to get work. Let me pit us like this. My Difficult Child had a car her wealthy ex gave her. That was several years ago. She still doesnt work.

I found help here to get the strength I needed to say no, to look at my responses as though I were talking to my girlfriends child. Emotionally driven decisions are no substitute for common sense.

Sending wishes you find resolution that works for you and the peace of your home.