It has been a while since I have even felt like logging on here. I have been so depressed; I dont even want to do anything. Even reading wasnt interesting me. I have depression; quite honestly I think my 14 yo difficult child has it too. I take my medications; however, she refuses to take hers. When I started feeling so stressed that I just didnt give a darn about anything, I went to my MD and she increased my dosage. Doing better, but swear that when I start feeling like just maybe I can do this; my difficult child senses it and thinks it is the perfect time to act up. I admit, my situation is not as bad as some. I have read posts on here that had me thinking Thank God Im not dealing with THAT. But honestly, I am still so overwhelmed and I feel so negative about my difficult child that I cannot stand to be in the same room with her most of the time. I cannot stand the sound of her voice. Im bitter and angry. Im TIRED. I work full time, I am a full time student (online so I can be home to assist my husband with the chaos), and I have two other children; one of whom I know also has ADHD, but shows no signs of ODD (Im keeping my fingers crossed). My baby is only 2 and therefore she is defiant just by nature. I am aware that the odds of her having ADHD are high; since my husband and my other two have it. Trust me, I am not looking forward to it. I am exhausted. People ask me, Why arent your kids in any activities? Because Im too tired!! I get maybe 5 hours of sleep a night during the week. By the weekend, I just want to sleep because Im worn out. My husband is the same way. Saturdays and Sundays used to be used for cleaning and doing things..now we just look forward to the nap we will get on Saturday and Sunday. Our marriage is still strong, and the love is there, but there is such tension in this house that its like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That much stress all the time is exhausting. If the kids were in activities I think we would just reach the breaking point mentally. Both of us are barely hanging on and keeping control as it is. As I write this I am scolding myself for not appreciating the positive things about my daughter. She is artistic and creative. She can be sweet when she wants to be. She has a good heart. I see potential in her. I guess that is why it so infuriating the stupid choices she is making and has been making since she was 10. Its just so hard to believe that this incredibly intelligent girl with so much going for her failed 8th grade and had to go to Summer school and now is failing 9th grade with only weeks left in the school year. She doesnt do her chores, and when she does, she does them ½ um, butted. She just got two referrals on Friday and had ISS on Tuesday. The referrals were for defying a teacher and skipping class. So much for the phrase, Well at least she only does it at home. It could be a lot worse. I try talking, I try reasoning, I try to motivate her with rewards like time with her friends. She will do what she wants and then when she gets a consequence, she simply does not care. I have been told then it must be the right consequence. When I tell you that I have tried just about everything, I am not exaggerating. I have emptied out her room. She has no computer, no tv, no cell phone, and we are going on a year or longer. She doesnt care. She has been grounded just about the whole school year. She doesnt care about that either. She is perfectly happy sitting on the couch staring at the wall. She has no motivation to do anything. How many 14 yo girls do you know that have to be TOLD to bathe? Her record is 5 days with no shower before I just couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her. Shell walk around in dirty clothes. She wipes her hands on her pants and then wears the very same pair of pants to school the next day. I have tried my very best to be consistent, even though she doesnt care. I still keep giving the consequences and still keep trying to find SOMETHING positive that she has done to praise her. There isnt much, believe me. I can say at least she is not on drugs that I know of. I toss her room every couple of weeks to make sure. There is absolutely no trust between her and me or my husband. Every ounce of trust we had for her has been obliterated by her lying and her sneaky behavior. She tried pot once. As far as I know its only been one time. I didnt find out because she told me. I found out because Im a registered EMT. I know that stimulants do not dilate pupils. She tried to blame it on her Adderall. First of all, she didnt take it most of the time and if it was Adderall that was doing something to her pupils it would constrict them, not dilate them. I was worried about her and I read her diary. She wrote about it in there. I was devastated, but I had to know. Her therapist and I did not see eye to eye on the whole diary reading incident. He felt I violated her privacy. I feel she does not deserve privacy if she is going to not follow the rules in our home and lie to me. I needed to know if there was something I had to get her help for. She does not see that therapist any longer. She sees no therapist at this point, as a matter of fact. The reason for this is that my daughter is a master manipulator. She goes in there behind closed doors and makes it sound as if shes persecuted. Then I have to spend the time in there with my daughter and the therapist advising him/her that things did not go down like that, heres what REALLY happened and basically have to defend my parenting. I didnt appreciate paying a copay and taking time off of work to have to explain to a supposed professional how manipulative my ODD/ADHD difficult child is. They should KNOW. Just by the nature of the diagnosis they should know. Im also sick and tired of her teachers treating me like I am an uncaring parent, or that I neglect my daughter. I am a firm believer in that sometimes you just have to let em fall on their face for them to learn the lesson. She knew that she would fail if she didnt do the work. I refuse to treat her like a little baby and get her assignments from her teachers and make sure that she does them. Even if she does do them, for one reason or another she doesnt turn them in when she gets to school, so why expend the energy? Is her future boss going to make allowances for her since she has ODD? Is the world? The answer is nope. Nobody gives a darn WHAT initials she has, they want the job done or youre fired and they can hire someone else to replace you. Jobs flipping burgers or working at a clothing store for teens are a dime a dozen. There is always someone who can do the job better than you and get paid less. I remember someone posting to one of my other posts and saying that Im more apt to stand outside and get a tree to change to something else than I am to get my difficult child to accept my authoritarian parenting style. It is HARD to deal with someone talking to you like youre the scum of the earth without getting upset. I dont know if any of you can understand my ramblings, but I swear, it gets harder and harder to come home at night makes you fantasize about running away and just driving; past the house and the tension and the attitude and keep right on going by the house instead of stopping. After all, Im just trying to teach her how to be a functioning member of society. I am trying to teach her how to clean and take care of herself. Im not being nitpicky or unreasonable. I just want her to know that she cannot use her disorder as an excuse to give up on anything that she sees as a challenge, and in life she cannot simply refuse to do something because she doesnt LIKE or WANT to do it! Ugh! There has GOT to be an answer for me somewhere. Im sinking fast!