tryingtobestrong. My heart goes out to you. I don't have answers but wanted to offer my support. My son too struggles with anxiety and depression and refuses any help. He chooses to smoke weed to cope. I was up most of the night worrying about him. So many times over the past few years, he will hit very rough times and call me asking for help. Then I get help and he refuses to participate. It is a vicious cycle. For him, it is when he comes out from his self medicating with weed. I will be making calls today to see if I can get him in somewhere, knowing full well that he will probably refuse to go. Hugs to you. This is incredibly difficult and this site helps.
I am really sorry. So much worry. Perhaps he is afraid that if he goes for help the doctors will consider alcoholism and want him to quit in order to help him and maybe he doesn't want to or think he can. Weed too. Or maybe there are other drugs now.
At any rate I hope he does get help so that you can have peace. Love and hugs.
So sorry to hear this. So hard. It does seem like your son has accomplished a lot though through all of this.
I know it is hard not to rush in and rescue him and if that is what you choose to do then so be it. Maybe on the other hand you can let him know that you are there for him and love him. He has to figure this out on his own unfortunately.
I agree with SWOT that he probably knows he is an alcoholic and is not yet ready to quit. Maybe his girlfriend leaving will enable him to see that he really needs it? It's so hard to know what will happen and I know what it feels like trying to save someone from....themselves.
Have you thought of seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction to help guide you through all of this. Be supportive without enabling? That is hard stuff I know. I've been walking that tightrope for years. My therapist has helped me maneuver around the sharp corners of all of this or else I'd be a guilt feeling mess.
I know the feeling of dread when there is a change in the girlfriend situation. I feel bad admitting this. If dread is what I feel, then how healthy of a relationship could it have been? Yes, I don’t want to be my son’s emotional crutch, but I shouldn’t have felt relief that someone else was playing that role. At the end of the day, these guys stay ill in these relationships. Maybe safer in the sense that they don’t walk out into traffic, but with something like terminal illness.
I know it’s scary to think of them feeling desperate and self-destructive but maybe you can manage your anxiety by trying to reframe this as an opportunity for him to reflect. He has been spiraling for a while, even in the relationship.
I think the best we can do is to be the eye of the storm and exude some confidence (maybe even if it’s false for now) that he wants control over his own happiness. And ultimately wants to fire the untreated alcoholism and anxiety that are unfortunately, his bosses for now.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation with your son. Being a parent is never easy and when they are supposed to be adults and independent but they aren’t.... well it’s not what we imagined when we had them as sweet babes. If only we knew what would work we would do it but unfortunately there is no magic answer, we all find different ways to deal and figure it out... or not!
I offer only my empathy and the advice I would give is to make sure you keep talking and sharing and reAching out as being alone and isolating is what we do and it never helps.
Keep posting and you will find strength in the support here.
I am so sorry you are in such a predicament. It is so very hard for us as sober parents to see our children go through this agony.
I agree that you may benefit from seeking some therapy for yourself.
Know that you are not alone. As parents we get caught up in the fear, obligation and guilt that comes with these terrible situations. We refer to it as FOG. We need to remind ourselves that we did not cause these troubles. We can not control them nor can we cure them. Sometime having our children face the consequences of their behaviour is the only chance they have of seeking to improve.