Sometimes You Have to Walk Away

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TessFromWA, Feb 27, 2015.

  1. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member


    I started a new webpage. Not sure yet what I'm going to do with it. Maybe just save some of the words of wisdom that I receive here, I hope no one would have a problem with that?

    The first thing I want to save there are the words I received today from MidwestMom:

    Your daughter wants to hurt you and her dad because she can't help it...she is personality disordered. They don't think like "normal" people. We need to keep a distance from people like that to protect ourselves.

    You treat yourself with love. I always, from experience, warn people who have younger disturbed kiddos to guard their hearts and don't ride too high when things may look better. Take a longterm view of things. People don't change overnight. Some don't ever change or think that they SHOULD change. But WE can change the way we look at life and others if we remember that we can only control our own behavior. Our own morals and feelings do not necessarily extend to others, including our adult children, especially if they are not walking the right pathway. We can't change their thinking, but we can prevent them from hurting us. We can go low contact. We can take ANYTHING they say with a grain of salt We can learn to accept their words without giving them meaning. We can hear them talking and let our own voice inside our head tell us "Remember...actions speak louder than words." We can just learn who to trust and whom not to trust. We can learn radical acceptance.

    "My daughter does not share my morals and values. I accept that she will do things I consider unthinkable. Why can I accept it? Because I can't change it. I don't have to like it, but I can accept that she will not have the same thought processes I do and I can move on, secure in my own skin."

    As hard as it is to accept, our adult children are not us. They are not even extensions of us. They are separate human beings and at times they are dangerous to us. As another example of how life is not as valued, there is an epidemic of adult children disowning their parents. I had to face this myself when it happened to me. I'm a researcher. It is a fact that our grown kids are dumping us in spades and often for reasons we don't even understand.

    The world is what it is.

    I find peace in radical acceptance. I hope you can find something that helps you find peace.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You might want to directly contact the site owner and see what the policy is. Her board name is "runawaybunny"
  3. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Maybe rather than webpage I should have said "digital journal". LOL Like a Pinterest page, where I can save pictures (like the one I created above) and quotes I find encouraging, and words of wisdom. Only unlike Pinterest, it's not open to the universe. It's mine and I choose who sees it.
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I keep a MS word document journal where I can go back and look at what I need to emotionally remind myself of. If you did a website, you will be putting yourself out there publicly, telling everyone about your difficult life path with your dysfunctional child. In a way it could make you a target as other people see how much you are/were willing to put up with, especially other dysfunctional people.
    Personally, I would have a problem with someone taking my words and putting them on another webpage without my permission. I have been through enormous pain to get to where I am and I consider my thoughts - even though I am posting them here - to be shared for the specific purpose of offering support to others in "like" situations but also because this board allows me to do this anonymously.
    Please remember our informative and heartfelt postings here come after many years of dealing in very painful situations. We lived, we learned, and those lessons we learned belong to the person who experienced them. I am happy that you are gaining something from this site but I urge you to collect information that helps you in a private way, that is only for your own personal use, as was intended.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    I see what you're saying...and I won't put anything from here on it...unless it's something that I've written or created such as the image I posted with this thread. I'm sure there are ways to bookmark things from here that I want to be able to come back to? Or maybe a word doctor is best...I just don't know my way around the navigation off this site that well yet.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've kept an anonymous online blog/journal for over 12 years. For the first half of that time, it was public and open for comments, but I could select who could see/comment as I went along so it kept the anonymous and troll-ish commenters away for the most part. After a while I made it completely protected, and only people I put on a protected list could read it (so there was no way my kids could find it or read it). Most of the ones I "let in" were other journalers I'd met on the site, who already knew my story. In fact, it was through one of those fellow journalers that I found this site. Journaling online was and still is an important outlet for me.

    If you create any type of blog, I'd just encourage you to keep it anonymous, and to make sure it's a site where you can remove/ban any disruptive trolls that may stop by. As for sharing any words you've read here, I'd definitely get that poster's permission first.
  7. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Nah, not a blog...more a digital journal/scrapbook. And I'll probably be the only one who ever even looks at it. I basically just wanted a place to keep pics like the one I put on this thread. Creating encouraging visuals like that make me happy.
  8. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    TessFromWA -- I have no idea what is the best way to for you to proceed with your recordings of things. But I love that you're doing something which sifts, sorts and clarifies things for you! I've had to do the same at times. And this CD site is spectacular for putting your thoughts into writing, hearing others' thoughts in writing, and receiving insightful ideas and support.

    Terrific group of people here. And glad you're here on board with us all!

    by the way, I love the post you have, above. Sometimes it really is necessary to walk away. It's just better for everyone. Doesn't have to be permanent (or, it can be if that's what feels healthiest for you). We can love from a distance. It's a learned way of loving, but we can. Boundaries are always helpful. They make the relationship better. Or, if they don't make the relationship better (and nothing makes it better -- which is, sadly, fairly often the case), then walking away permanently is sometimes the wisest decision. It may not be our favorite decision (at first, especially), but it is often the wisest/healthiest decision in the long run.

    I'm always open to love. But, in so many ways, the best way to preserve love is to preserve sanity (really.....been there, done that).

    Love is better when it coexists with sanity -- even from a distance (or, especially from a distance).

    We're with you in support! And way to take charge of your own sanity by creating new avenues of inspirational reminders!