Still Clueless

[JJJ]

Eeyore has been "dating" this girl for about a month. My sister knows the girls family (and has for about 10 years) and says there is no way the mom would allow her freshman daughter to date. I explained that their "dating" relationship consisted of Eeyore walking her to her bus after school, texting and talking on the phone.

I offered to let the girl come with on one of our family outings this week but she wasn't able to/wasn't allowed/didn't want to/???

Last night, Eeyore and her talked about having him come to her house and hang out today. Per Eeyore, last night her mom said she'd think about it. Eeyore woke up at 1:00pm, showered and said 'see ya' cause he was walking to her house.

Umm....hold your horses there sugar...

1. Do you know her address? No, but I know what neighborhood she lives in.
2. Did you mean to try and walk over a mile in your brand new boots? My gym shoes aren't cool.
3. Did you confirm with her that her mom said yes and that they are expecting you at this time? No.

Umm....so you are just going to show up at her house. Not sure that her mom is going to be okay with that. That assumes that you can even find her house (he showed me the address he had written down --he had the street name wrong, I was able to figure out which street he meant but he would not have been able to do so.)

He's on the phone with the girl now. I don't think she actually asked her mom.

He just decides how something "should be" and then gets all upset when the world isn't that way. I feel bad for him. I don't know how to get him to understand that society has norms and that he needs to learn them.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

So, did the young lady in question speak with her mother about Eeyore coming over? Was he able to go for a visit?

Even more difficult might be the discussion that she is not allowed to date......

Actually, both my kids had a "16" rule. No dates until 16. Hanging out in a group was allowed, but one on one was not until they reached 16.

Sharon

 

[TeDo]

That sounds sooo much like something difficult child 1 does and no, he would not have figured any of this out either. He also has a problem when things don't go according to HIS plan. They just don't get it. Let me know if you figure out a way to teach this so it sticks. I would love to know how to do it. It would make OUR lives much easier anyhow! LOL

 

[trinityroyal]

Poor Eeyore. We've found that this is one of the hardest things to teach. My difficult child still does things like that at 22, and we haven't really found an effective way to teach the nuances of socializing, so instead we've put in place some basic rules:

- no phoning before 10 am (12 noon on weekends)
- no phoning after 8 pm
- no dropping in unannounced on people
- we (parents or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff) must confirm all invitations before difficult child can go...
- etc. etc. etc.

Over the Christmas Holiday, he announced that he'd been "invited" to spend the day with his friend A, who lives 2 doors down from us--they've known each other since they were about 5 and A is very understanding of difficult child's difficult child-ness. Per our standard procedure, I asked to see the text message. Turns out difficult child had sent a text asking if he could go over but hadn't received a reply yet. If I hadn't intervened, he would have arrived on his friend's door step uninvited and unannounced at 8:00 am.

Sigh...

 

[JJJ]

He chatted with the girl for over an hour and was happy but no visit today. Supposedly her mom said maybe soon.

Any surprise that I insist on speaking with the parents before I let my kids go anywhere. (They do know how to be embarrassing!)

 

[JJJ]

Trinity -- we have many of those same rules but Eeyore seems to lack the impulse control to follow them when he "decides" that something should be a certain way. So his phone only works for two 90 minute periods per day, otherwise he'd bother people all day long. I also have strong parental controls and monitoring software on his phone and his laptop. While he has a Facebook page, he hasn't been allowed to access it for over 6 months because he just does not get it.

For Eeyore, there isn't going to be a magic age of 18. Our "control" over his life will continue for many years. We will likely seek guardianship of both him and Tigger.

 

[JJJ]

Ugh, just heard explicit lyrics coming from Eeyore's room. Apparently he didn't click on "no explicit lyrics" option on his Pandora account. So I fixed it and added a PIN so he couldn't undo it. He stopped his feet but got over it pretty quick. He thinks because this stuff exists and other teens listen to it that he is "suppose to" listen to it. Very typical teen but with that difficult child distorted thinking taking it just over the edge.

 

[trinityroyal]

For Eeyore, there isn't going to be a magic age of 18. Our "control" over his life will continue for many years. We will likely seek guardianship of both him and Tigger.

Eeyore sounds very much like our difficult child did at 16. At 22 he has a bit more maturity and control (and much better medications), but we still have to keep the leash very very short. Any loosening results in a near-complete loss of all the skills he's acquired over the years in therapy, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) etc. What's that phrase? "He works well when cornered like a rat in a trap." Describes difficult child to a T.

We are in the process of setting up guardianship, powers of attorney etc. for difficult child, as he's not likely to be able to manage his own affairs for a very long time if ever. And starting succession planning to determine how difficult child's guardianship should be handled once husband and I are gone, since putting any of his siblings in that position might be far too much pressure on them. Weighty matters indeed.

 

[pajamas]

Ok - ya got me - first post from a long-time lurker

This is SO like my difficult child#1 that I have to send a sigh of sympathy your way. Holden is an Aspie engaged to his second-ever girlfriend and living with her parents - who are somewhere on the spectrum themselves (and we suspect may see him as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for their socially inept daughter). They are planning an April wedding at the Renaissance Fair. As parents, we still don't know anything, but his older sisters are trying to help persuade them to wait. Maybe until difficult child#2 is out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (which her psychiatrist and therapist are trying hard to get her into)? Life is way more complicated than they told us!

 

[susiestar]

I am so glad we are not dealing wth this with Wiz anymore. My parents had fits over dating with him. There was some girl from the psychiatric ward that was the reason he faked wanting to hurt himself to get back there to see her again. That was just super strange to us.

We were blessed, esp Wiz, because he met a girl and eventually a group of friends who trained him on what to do and not to do. the officer who responded to the house the two times was also a huge help, odd as that sounds. Now he hangs with a set group mostly, and is navigating socially quite well. It isn't something we expected to happen though.

Trinity, I had to laugh about the whole "does well when cornered like a rat in a trap". It just fits so many difficult child situations, doesn't it?

I have no idea how one does succession planning for kids like ours. We feel blessed that Wiz seems likely to be able to handle his own affairs because we really have NO ONE to take over. My folks are not young, my brother is so far from fit that it isn't worth considering, and husband's only sister never wanted more than 1 child and sure as sugar would NOT have done what our kids needed. So that is it. I can think of one friend who would be WILLING to take one or more of my children, no questions asked, but she isn't in a position to do that. she knew the worst of what Wiz did and loves him anyway and that is a heck of a lot more than most of my relatives.

JJJ, I admire how you help navigate the pathways of this type of thing. I don't think that any of us thought about dating issues when our kiddoes were first diagnosis'd. I sure didn't!

 

[gcvmom]

Sounds a LOT like my difficult child 2 and his plans to ask a girl to homecoming without discussing it with husband and me! He just came home one day and said I asked so-and-so to homecoming, mom! Fortunately, she couldn't go, but I had to ask him how he was planning to pay for the tickets? Dinner? Flowers? Etc. He had NO idea what's involved. And then I reminded him that he's not 16 yet -- we have the same rule in our house, too.

 

[DaisyFace]

Our difficult child makes plans all the time - and forgets that she needs to check with parents (and/or friend's parents)...

AND forgets to get the necessary information....like the time, date, and location.

So yeah...I hear you.