I had my follow up rheumy appointment Wednesday. At the initial appointment he ordered tons of bloodwork (9 vials total) and xrays of my back and right hip. X-rays look good. You could have knocked me over with a feather as I have so much pain and burning in my hip, I wouldn't have been surprised if we started talking about hip replacement. Basic lupus test came back positive (had been negative in the past), but further testing showed no lupus. Vitamin D is extremely low - almost non-existent. Level should be at 30; I'm at 4. So, after pushing he ordered more testing for celiac sprue and put me on very high doses of Vitamin D supplement. I had some elevated protein which prompted more testing for multiple myeloma. I don't have those results yet. I've really been struggling the last few days. We've uncovered more of the puzzle, but we still don't have the answer. Everyone was putting all of their money on connective tissue disorder so I feel like we're back at square one. Vitamin D deficiency can cause bone and muscle pain, but it doesn't seem to cause the nerve involvement I have which is getting worse nor the swelling and I don't think it can cause the other neurological impairment. on the other hand, Vitamin D deficiency is linked to my coronary artery disease so we may finally have an answer as to my heart disease. Plus, we need to determine the cause of the severe deficiency. As another thought, a former friend of mine had abnormal results that were indicative of (I think) myeloma and after being tested further at the cancer center was determined it was lupus. Since I had the negative then the positive, it's making me wonder. Lupus is also the only autoimmune disorder linked to premature arteriosclerosis. I don't know. I feel like I'm grasping at straws anymore. I really, honestly do not care anymore what the diagnosis is. I just want my life back and I want off this roller coaster. I just don't think I can take much more of this. When I left the rheumy office on Wednesday, I envisioned throwing myself in front of a truck. It should have bothered me, having that thought, but it didn't. I used to have those thoughts all the time when my depression wasn't under control. I haven't had those thoughts in years. It's amazing how easily that can all come back. (For the record, I'm not actively suicidal. It was just an indication of my limitations right now.) I have an appointment with my GP on Monday to talk to her about all of this. I need someone to talk this through with and to help me make sense of it and to plan our next step. Still have more testing with the neurologist, too.